Enough (8 page)

He l
eaned closer to me and said, “Don’t think about that.”

I sighed. It’s true. He’s with a lot of girls and none of them are me.

“What do you want me to think about then?” Please tell me. Anyone. Because all I can think about is kissing him.

“Me.”
He said. What? Bryan hesitated but then leaned into me. “Think about us.” I felt his lips on mine a second later.

This is really happening. OMG! This i
s really happening.

I need to feel alive again.
After everything that happened to me…

I need this.
Right?

I kissed him back.

I want this. Is it wrong that I was just raped and I’m seeking comfort from my best friend…who happens to be a guy?

He rested his body light
ly on mine. I can’t believe this is happening. I thought he never thought of me like this before. I stayed friends with him because I thought he didn’t want to do anything more from there. All this time…or is he just saying it now? Because I’m vulnerable right now…I don’t care. I want this.

We
made out a little longer until I rolled him over so I was straddling his lap. He broke the kiss and said, “Emily, what are you doing? We are not going to–”

I kissed his cheek, his chin, his neck
, then I nibbled his earlobe. Yum.

“Can’t we just do something irresponsible for a change?”
I asked. He didn’t budge. I grinded my hips into his and still nothing. Then I kissed him on the lips. I felt his body jerk under me and he turned me over. That’s better. Bryan kissed me harder. He’s a good kisser…and he’s making me feel like me again.

I felt for the end of his shirt and
lifted it over his head. “We can wait. We don’t have to do this.” He said waiting for an answer. I didn’t like having him on top of me. It’s dark and it brought back the memories of the party,
that
night. I was raped. I shouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t care anymore. I pushed those memories aside and once again turned him over. I took off the sweater I was wearing and threw it somewhere on the floor.

“I’m sure.
You have a condom, right?” I asked. He reached over to his nightstand and opened a draw. I brought my lips back to his as he felt for the hem of my tank top. He lifted it over my head and rested his hands on my hips. I like the way this feels. It never felt like this with Zach.

Bryan
moved his hands up my sides and my heart started racing. He passed his hand over the cut and I winced. Shit, he felt me move. “You okay?” He asked.

“
I’m fine.” I kissed him again, trying to forget about the cut. He ran his hand over it again and I winced once more.

“What is that?
Is that a band aid? Let me see that.” He pushed me onto the bed and I rolled onto my back as he got up.

“God Bryan
, it’s nothing.” I said annoyed. I got up and looked for my shirt. I found it on the bed. As I put it over my head, Bryan turned on the light.

“
What the fuck, Em. How did that happen?” He asked walking up to me. “Emily, how did you get that?” I grabbed the sweater off the floor and put it on. He saw my wrists while in the process. “Ohmygod…Emily, tell me what the fuck happened to you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I grabbed my phone and
walked out of his room. I can’t tell him. We were just about to have sex. Why did I do this? I should have never come here.
You’re a whore.

“Emily?” He grabbed my arm
and I stopped but I didn’t turn around.

“
Bryan, just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have come here. We shouldn’t have…I’m sorry. I gotta go.” I walked down the hallway and grabbed the front door handle.

“Emily
, you can talk to me. Was that Zach? Did he do that at the party?” He looked at me and his eyes widened. “Did
Alex
do that to you?”

“No
! God Bryan, just let me go. I don’t want to talk about it. Just forget about what happened right now. Forget about me. I only mess up people’s lives.” I snapped.

I
opened the front door as Bryan’s mom stopped short.

“Emily…
? What a nice surprise. Are you staying?” She asked.

“Hi
…Mrs. Vincent. No. Sorry. I can’t. I just came by for a few minutes. I have to go.” I said. I need to leave this house.

“Yes of course, tell
your mom I say hello.” She said.

I let her walk in then
I walked out. Wendy’s nice…she must think I’m nuts…I never walk out of their house like that. I closed the door behind me and went down to the driveway.

I just
now remembered it was dark outside. Shit!

I wasn’t going back in that hou
se though.

Someone grabbed my shoulder and
I jumped. “Hey, it’s only me. Emily, talk to me. How do you expect me to see you like that and not worry?” Bryan said. I looked down at the ground but he tilted my chin up to face him. “What happened?” I turned to walk away. I can’t do this. I’m a water fountain now. The tears just keep coming out. What was about to happen with Bryan was going to be amazing and I just ruined it. The stupid cut ruined it. “At least let me give you ride. It’s dark and if something happened I don’t know what I would do.”

If
only he knew that something
already
happened.

I reluctantly got into his car.

It was the quietest five minute drive to my house ever.

I stopped him f
rom saying something when he turned of his car.

“
Bryan, don’t. I said I don’t want to talk about it. I know that you’re very protective but you can’t…you couldn’t this time. I’m sorry.”

He held my hand and turned towards me.

“What happened at my house…that was real. I care about you. You can trust me. If you don’t want to talk about it then don’t. I won’t pressure you. But I will find out sooner or later. If someone hurt you, I will find them and–”

“Don’t try
and get hurt for me.” I said. He stared at me with those eyes. “I’m not worth it.” Before I could say anything else, Bryan’s lips were on mine. It was probably two seconds but I didn’t mind.

“You are worth it.
” He said.

I opened the passenger side door and g
ot out.

“Ju
st forget what you saw, Bryan.” I said.

He was about to say somethin
g else but I walked towards my house, turning my back to him.

I ca
n’t look at him and not tell him everything.

Someone already kno
ws what happened and let’s hope that he doesn’t tell anyone.

As I walked inside the house, Declan was about to walk into the kitchen but turned my way instead. “Hey, you’re home late. Where were you? School ended two hours ago. Oh and Tiffany came by and asked for you, too.” He said.

I headed
up the stairs.

“If
anyone comes by, tell them I’m not here.” I said.

“Di
d you get into a fight with your friends?” He asked concerned.

Sorry, big brother. I’m not in the mood.

“Yeah, something like that. Don’t tell them I’m here, okay?”

“Yeah, what
ever you say.”

I walked up to my room and closed the door.
I made sure my iHome was on, my window curtains were closed, checked my closet and then I laid in bed.

Christina Perri’s
The Lonely
played. I cried to it because how it relates to me. The lyrics really hit home but I just couldn’t find the strength to get up and turn it off.

I can’t take what happened today. S
chool, Bryan, everything. At the end of the day, all that was on my mind was what happened to me. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone. Not even Alex. Especially because he saw part of it. I just don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or to say that I deserved it because of the rumors. But in the back of my mind, I feel like I do deserve it. People see who I show them. Do I come off as a whore?

I got a
few texts from Bryan but I turned my phone over and closed my eyes. I can’t do this right now.

***

It’s Thursday. I’ve been in the fetal position on my bed for a while now. Strength is something I don’t have anymore. School is something I can’t seem to get up for either. My iHome finally gave out because it was constantly going. My phone is dead. I need to shower and nobody has bothered me. I wondered about that but Declan did bring me food. I never touched it. I couldn’t.

My mood changed because all I
could think about was the rape.

Everyday I would ask myself,
Why me? Did I deserve it? Maybe I did! No, I didn’t. Nobody does. When will he come back again? When will I know who he is? What will I do when I see him? I knew the answer to that question but I can’t think about it anymore.

I got up
and took a shower.

I went back to
bed and covered myself up with my comforter. The bruises are still visible. They’re all over my body. I look and feel like shit.

It was around two in the afternoon when a knock came to my door.
I faced my window and rolled my eyes. “What?!” I snapped.

“Honey, someone is here to see you.”
Mom said walking in.

I tensed up.
Mom knows I don’t want to see anyone.

“Mom, you know I said I’m not here. Tell Tiffany
I went shopping or something.” She’ll go away. She’ll be a pain in the ass but she’ll go.

I heard my mom move closer to my bed.
“It’s not Tiffany. He said his name is Alex.” My eyes widened in shock. What the hell is he doing here? I hesitated before I answered.

“Okay, let him in.”
I said.

She walked to
my door and whispered to someone. What the hell?

“She’s be
en a bit moody about the move. No one has heard from her teacher so she will have to move to Seattle with us. Hope you can get her out of bed.”

I realized she was talking to Alex. What was he doing outside
of my bedroom? Mom would never allow any boys upstairs. Except for Bryan.

“I’ll try
, Mrs. Vasquez.” Alex said.

“Pl
ease, Ms. Spencer or Grace. I gave up that last name a long time ago.” Mom said.

I heard
Alex walk in and saw him stand by the windows. I see him looking at me from my peripheral vision but I didn’t glance back.

“Close
the door, Mom.” I said.

“You know the rules. Doors stay open when we have guests.”
She said. I rolled my eyes but continued to stare out of the window. That rule is bullshit. Guests stay downstairs. We don’t close doors. It’s just because I have a guy up here. Even my mom thinks I’m a whore.

“Did you come alone?”
I asked Alex.

“Yeah. I came to see how you’re doin
g. You missed school and no one could get a hold of you.” He said.

Why did he show up? He doesn’t have to pretend to care.

“Is she gone?” I whispered.

“Who?” H
e asked.

“My mom.” He looked over at the bedroom door and nodded.

“I don’t see–” I put my finger to my lips to shh him. I listened carefully and there was nobody there. I got up, poked my head out into the hallway and closed the door quietly. As I went back to bed I connected my iHome into the outlet and plugged my phone in to charge. I caught Alex looking at me and I didn’t realize until then that I had on pajama shorts and a tank top. All my bruises were visible. Fuck.

I walked
to bed and covered myself up.

I got a
text as soon as I sat down. I didn’t look at it. It’s probably just the same people asking the same questions, where are you? Why are you not in school? You can talk to me. Emily what happened?

“What happened?”
Alex asked.

I
answered him with a sigh.

I’m
going to have to get use to that question I guess.

“You can sit
down on the bed. You’re getting me tired just by looking at you stand.” I said. He didn’t move. Alex just looked at me as I stared back at him. “I don’t bite.” He waited then finally listened. My phone chimed again.
God, leave me alone.
I ignored it with an eye roll. “So…” I don’t know why he came but I’m kind of glad.

I caught his scent as he walked over to my bed.
Yummy…

“So…did you c
hange the bandage?” He asked.

“I did. H
ow did you know what to do?” I asked looking at him again.

Alex is here…in my bedroom and I ca
n’t think straight. I just want to cry or smile. I don’t know which.

“My family was a bunch of
doctors. My sister was practicing. I was her guinea pig when it came to cuts, broken bones, et cetera.” He said.

I smiled but then I thought of how his sister died a while
back and the smile disappeared. Shit, should I have even asked that?

My pho
ne chimed again. God, they can’t take a hint. I reached for my phone and I froze. It’s from unknown. I know who it’s from.

Unknown
: Emily…You’re trying to avoid me. I don’t like it. I am always watching. I know you know that. I miss you. I’ll be seeing you soon.

I stared at it for a bit. I do
n’t know what to do. This guy is killing me.

I threw my phone aga
inst the wall and heard it crash to the floor.

I ca
n’t avoid it any longer. I need someone to know. And I think that someone has to be Alex. He already saw a part of it. He knows some of it.

Alex
put his hand on my leg and held my eyes. “You okay?” I stared at the window then I glanced over to Alex. He moved closer to me. His hazel eyes bore into mine like he knew what I wanted to talk about.

“It happened…it happened again.
” I said.

I let the tears roll down my cheeks
.

He moved
closer to me. His legs were touching mine at this point.

“Is that how you got…all of those?” I know he’
s talking about the bruises. I nodded. “When?” I shut my eyes. I can’t look at him. I don’t want to see the pity in his eyes. “Who did this to you?” I wish I knew.

“It’s
my fault. I should have left the house. I shouldn’t have come back upstairs.” I said. I looked at him then. “When you dropped me off, I came upstairs and went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and the power was out. I didn’t notice until I was in the kitchen. I freaked out and ran to my room.” I don’t want to remember what happened but I have to. Someone has to know. “I grabbed my phone, I was right about to call you…” I hesitated. I looked out the window again. I wiped some tears from my face.

“Oh
mygod. Emily, this is my fault. I shouldn’t have brought you here. You should have stayed–”

There was a knock on my door and
I went stiff. I brought my finger to my lips and Alex’s mouth closed. It was kind of cute to see in this fucked up situation.

“Em
, I came to see if everything’s okay.” Declan of course.

“I’m
fine.” I didn’t hear him leave so I waited.

“Can I come in?”
He asked.

I cov
ered myself with the comforter and mouthed
don’t say anything
to Alex. “Fine.” I said. A few seconds later my bedroom door opened. Declan looked at Alex then he glanced at me.

“Are you okay?
I heard something fall.” He looked back at Alex who was a few inches away from me. Declan doesn’t like men close to me.

“It was just my phone…
it froze. I threw it.” I said. He stayed quiet for a little bit, still looking at Alex. “You can go now.” I’m starting to miss the days he wasn’t here. I had privacy.

“I
f you need me, let me know.” He said.

“Yeah
.” I looked back out at the window. Declan hesitated but finally closed the door. Alex looked at me. “Is he gone?” Alex nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me what happened? I told you that you can talk to me. What happened at school that was because what happened?” I nodded. “This
is all my fault. I’m so stupid. I never should have let you leave my house.”

I looked at him
with furrowed brows. How was this his fault? He wasn’t the one who raped me. That psychopath raped me.

“How is this your fault? I should have left my house when I knew something
was wrong. With everything spreading at school, it is my fault. He even said it.” I said. Alex got up and paced my room.

“How can you not tell anyone
, Emily? You can’t keep something like that inside. What if you were going to hurt yourself? A lot of people care about you.” I couldn’t look at him anymore. I did think of hurting myself. I
did
try to hurt myself. I never thought of the results it would have on everyone else.

He looked at me. I think he knew what I was thinking about. “Emily… you didn’t hurt yourself did you?”
Alex asked. I stared at him.

“No…
I didn’t.” I lied. What would he think of me if he knew? Hottest guy in school is in my room, talking to me and I don’t want him to runaway because I’m suicidal. He walked closer to my bed. I sat up straight.

I looked
at my clock and it said it was 4:37 pm. Alex must have read my mind because he asked if I wanted to go get something to eat.

“I’d love that.”
I said. I was happy the subject changed. I don’t want to think about the shit I did. I got off my bed and grabbed my phone off the floor. I’m not in the mood to bring that so I threw it on my bed.

“Why are
you throwing that around?” He asked.

“Not in the mood to answer it.”
I said. I don’t want to tell him about the texts from
him
. Alex waited outside of my bedroom as I changed. I put jeans on and as I was looking for a shirt, I found a long sleeved sweater that read “The Life of the Party.” I really didn’t want to wear it but I was getting tired looking like a sad sap all the time. I put my hair in a loose bun and grabbed my purse. I hit pause on my iPod and threw that on my bed as well.

Tiffany always asked me why I
have an iPod and an iPhone. I told her I got the iPod two years ago for Christmas and last year I got the iPhone for my birthday. And I just couldn’t get rid of one. Music is my life. Together they hold more music.

“W
here are you guys going?” Declan asked from the living room as we walked down the stairs.

“Going to get something to eat. Do you want anything? I can bring something back.”
I said.

“No
, I’m waiting for Scarlett and Mom. They want to do something about our ‘situation.’ Seattle got flooded so we can’t move anything. We need to bring everything to storage and see what’s going to happen next. I guess we’ll be here for your birthday.” He said smiling.

“
Well, tell them I’m leaving and I’ll be back soon.” I said. Declan would never let me leave the house with a guy. I wonder if he’s bending the rules because I was in my room for days and someone finally got me out. I don’t know but it’s weird.

“Someone’s popular.” Alex said nodding toward flowers and balloons by the door.