Entrelacen (5 page)

I’ve always wanted to write something
meaningful, so I thought maybe the shrink was right.
Maybe getting a journal would help. I used to love to
write, so maybe this would be a step in that direction.
Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll write a book.

Dear Diary,
So writing is supposed to help me. Hmm well,
here’s to hoping I can be helped. I don’t have much to
say except that I keep toying with these poems in my
head. I figured I can write them down and eventually
make sense of them later on.

Every night I sit and wonder
What's left for me to ponder?
My life’s a mess I live a lie
Here I wait and wonder why
I break the rules and make mistakes

More and more my heart will ache
Days will come and Days will go
Love and Laughter I'll never know
The truth of me will always be
Just a misunderstood memory

Somehow she was right. Writing my feelings
down seemed to be helping. My mom told me she was
going to be moving me to another school. It was only
a week before spring break, but I didn’t complain. I
put her through hell those 2 days I was gone, so I
figured I owed her. She said the school was a charter
school, meaning it was self-paced so you could do as
much as you can as fast as you can. Lisa tried to get
her dad to pull her out and enroll her into the charter
school without any luck.

The week flew by. This school was so
different. There were no classes; everything was on
computers. Each person set his own goals for the day
and tried to meet them. The teachers were really cool
too. They had this attitude that was very soothing.
They acted like there were no stupid questions. If they
didn’t know the answer, they would look it up and
help you understand. I finished with English II and
math models in no time. Math models was a weird
class; it taught me how to balance a check book and to
set up a budget. Really? Why did I need to know that?
I felt like I was going backwards. I mean I was in AP
Geometry at my last school, and I had to learn how to
balance a check book that I didn't even have. I was so
glad when spring break came. I missed my friends.

Dear Diary,
So new school, new people, new teachers,
blah. It’s not as bad as thought it was going to be. At
least my brother is with me and we watch out for each
other. I don’t hang out with Stephanie much anymore.
I blame her for my rents finding out. Part of me wants
to thank her, but I feel so betrayed. I wrote this poem
about her, it’s not the best but then again it’s just me
expressing myself right? So it doesn’t really matter.

A Friend
You made me believe you were,
I told you things I've told no one before,
So you were a friend.
I thought you were for real,
I thought you were perfect,
I thought you were a friend.
Now I've come to see,
Everything I thought was make-believe
So in the end you lost a friend.

My birthday came around; I turned sixteen,
which meant I could start driver’s ed, get a paying
job, and buy a car! I always wanted a mustang, but I
doubted I would be able to get one. It would just have
to be on my dream list.

We picked up Lisa, Sandra, Stephanie and her
baby cousin to stay the night at a cabin for my
birthday. No matter how hard times were, my mom
always made birthdays special. I don’t know what I
would do without her.

We got to the cabin, went swimming, ate
pizza, listened to music and hung out like we used to.
My dad and mom were arguing, big surprise there.
Steph’s cousin Ronnie and I were outside when I
heard Steph talking about me. I couldn’t concentrate
on exactly what was being said, but by the
whispering, I knew it wasn't good.

“April, she’s been talking crap about you since
you stopped hanging out with her.”
“Seriously Ronnie, I don’t get why she has any
reason to be pissed off. She’s the one who screwed
up.”
“I don’t know, but if I were you I wouldn’t
take it.”
Ronnie was twelve, and for her to say that
about her cousin meant something serious was going
on. I decided to go confront Stephanie. I ran up to the
cabin, but no words came out. That night I must have
blacked out because I had no idea what happened
next. All of a sudden my dad was in my face, while
my mom was putting Steph and Ronnie in the car. My
head started hurting and I could hear my brother and
his friend Jay telling Steph, “Damn, my sister fucked
you up!”
They left, and I sat up on the bed and asked
what happened. Well apparently I came into the cabin
and started punching Stephanie in the face while she
was sitting on the bottom bunk. I also managed to hit
my head on the top bunk. It figures that I would try to
knock myself out.
“Well that explains why my head hurts.”
“April, your mom tried to get you off of her,
and when you pulled back you connected with the
bunk bed frame. Lisa couldn’t move then because
your head was on her lap while you were bending
over connecting punches to her face.” Sandra said
reluctantly.
I look up at Lisa and she has this look on her
face,“What’s wrong Lisa?”
“Umm. That was a little freaky April. You
didn’t look the same. It was like this whole other
person.”
“I told ya’ll I was tired of people walking all
over me. I heard her talking about me. Ronnie said it’s
been going on since we came back.”
“We were going to tell you...”
“Yet you didn’t Lisa. Should I end the party
now and have my dad take you two back too? I mean
if you’re my friends like you say you are, why you
would let her continue to bash me at my birthday
party?”
“We told her to shut up when you came
running in.” Sandra pipes in.
“Yeah April. She opened her mouth to tell us
we were stupid for still hanging out with you when
you punched her right in the jaw, impressively I might
add. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“There’s a lot in me that no one knows about
Lisa.”
I had this feeling that the night I turned sixteen
was the beginning of a whole new set of problems. I
wasn’t a fighter. I never thought I had that much
anger. I wish I could say it got better, but it didn’t.
That Friday we went to the movies like we always
did, and some guys were being very disrespectful to
my friends. I got tired of it and got in one guy's face.
You know how guys say they would never hit a girl,
yeah that’s a load of bull shit. He pushed me to get me
to step back, and I punched him. I had another black
out; maybe I should get that checked. I got into my
friends car, and we goto Sandra’s house.
“Oh man, you have a black eye. What were
you thinking April? Seriously, are you like having a
mental breakdown or something? I think we need to
start calling you Rocky or something.” Sandra says,
standing in a boxing stance.
Incredible. I was being scolded for sticking up
for them. “Umm no Sandra, but I figured you and Lisa
would have more respect for yourselves and not let
them disrespect you that way.”
I looked at Lisa, and she looked terrified. “Are
you ok Lisa?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just can’t get over the fact
you just fought a guy. I’m supposed to be the tomboy,
April, not you.”
We all started laughing. It was time for me to
head home and face the music. My dad and brother
were so proud of me, my mom not so much. I think
she was worried that I was spiraling out of control.
Things started to get better. I wasn't getting
into any more trouble, and I was doing really well at
school. It looked like I would be graduating a year
early, so I was really excited about that. The
remaining two months at school went by fast.
Once school was out for the summer, I was
able to start working to save money for a car. I had
been going to this water park since I was a kid, so
why not work there and get paid to have fun? I started
working nonstop. I hadn’t been writing much, but I
actually felt really good. Lisa moved back home, so I
got my own space back. I didn’t expect to see those
friends much that summer because I just wanted to
work as much as possible. I worked so much that the
summer flew by, and I bought my first car!
There’s nothing like your first car. I fell in love
with mine as soon as I saw her. Girls name their cars
too, and her name was Butterfly. You’re probably
wondering what kind of name is that. Well here’s the
story behind Butterfly. Butterfly was a white 1998
Mirage. The first thing we put on her were these
purple seat covers with butterflies on them. She was
my way to get out when things got hard. I would get
in her and just drive, no particular destination in site,
and it would relax me. Butterfly was my freedom. But
like the all great things, summer ended, and school
began.
It was the first day back. I was officially a
senior! I just knew this year was going to be great. I
grew apart from my old friends but had confidence I
would meet some new people this year. I was sitting
in my cubical getting ready to start the last classes I
needed to graduate high school, and this girl sat down
next to me.
“Hey, I’m Jaci.”
I looked up at her seeing she had her hand
out, so I shook it. “Hey, I’m April. You a senior?”
“Oh thank god. Yes. You must be a senior
too!”
I laughed. I could already tell that this girl and
I would be best friends.
“Yeah, I’m hoping to be done by Christmas.
You?”
“Same.”
We had lunch together and made plans to hang
out. I knew this year was going to be awesome. We
met a few other people, and we have this whole group
now. I don’t think I had ever been this happy. I got a
job after school, so this way I could have fun without
having to depend too much on my mom.
I got home from work one night; I had just
pierced my ears again, so I went to the bathroom to
clean my ears. I heard my mom telling my dad
something, and then I heard what sounded like a slap
and my mom asking what that was for. The room went
red. I pushed the door to their bedroom open to see
what was going on, and my dad had the audacity to
stand up, in a boxer's stance no less, and try to fight
me.
Everything was moving so quickly. I felt my
face sting and realized he just slapped me. I just
snapped because I was so mad. I started fighting with
him. Cue black out! People talk about out-of-body
experiences when they’re close to death, but I swear I
had one. I could literally see myself fighting with my
dad and then slamming him through the glass doors of
the showers. My brother heard the commotion and
came in to pull me off of my dad. I went to my room
and called Lisa because she was the only one I could
think of. No answer. I called Sandra, and she sent her
dad. I saw my dad walk into my room saying
something, but I didn’t comprehend anything he was
saying. I just saw the bottle of alcohol he had in his
hand. He had me pinned against the window. I kept
thinking,
Okay the ground isn’t too far if he pushes me
out. I’ll be hurt, but it shouldn’t kill me.
He thrust a bottle into my hand, and said, “Hit
me, you hate me so hit me.” I put the bottle down on
the dresser. He picked it up and slammed it on his
forehead. Blood and glass flew everywhere, all over
my face and clothes, and what did I do? I turned and
threw up. My brother pulled my dad out of the room
when I started to hear sirens getting close. I
hyperventilated. I kept seeing black spots in front of
my eyes and felt like I was about to pass out.
I woke up in my bed. It was just a dream. Then
I saw towels all over my floor and realized it wasn’t a
nightmare; it was reality. I called my mom into the
room. I needed to see what was going to happen now.
“Hey mom, so what do we do now?”
“Well he’s at your grandparent’s house. He's
sober and wants to speak to you.”
“I’m only going to say this once, so listen. I
don’t want anything to do with him, so I give you
three options.”
She looked at me with this look of exhaustion.
This had been wearing her down. I wondered just how
much she put up with to keep our family together. I
felt guilty; I hadn’t made it easy on her like I hoped.
Yes I worked. Yes I gave her money if she needed it,
but there was something going on that she had been
hiding from us. I felt awful but gave her my
ultimatums anyway.
“You have a few choices. You and I can move
out and away from him. You can stay, I’ll leave, and
you won’t see me again. Or you can visit me in jail for
killing him.”

We finally made it into the house,
my house. For the first time it felt like
home. It’s amazing how being able to trust
someone can make the things around you
come into perspective. It’s like taking a
deep breath after you stick your head out
of the water when you are trying to hold
it. I finally noticed all the amazing things I
had been surrounded by for the last two
years. All the books that I could have
occupied my time with, all the different
types of art I could have studied. I felt a
wave of guilt crash around me. No wonder
mom had been distant. She probably
thought I didn’t appreciate everything she
had done for me, for us.

I took Deandra to the kitchen to
grab us a bottle of water and some snacks.
Then we head upstairs to my room. I
didn’t hear any sound coming from any of
the other rooms so I knew Mom must’ve
been out. She always seemed to be gone
when I was home. I really hoped
everything was okay.

“Okay Logan, are you going to fill
me in on your little secret?”
Alright. I was ready. I took a deep
breath and unleashed everything, and I
mean everything. I told Deandra about
how my dad would beat me until the
darkness took hold of me. I told her about
the time when I was twelve and ended up
in the hospital. I told her how we were
always on the run and was never able to
make lasting friends. I told her how I still
had nightmares that he would come back
for us and never stop coming after us
until we were dead. I told her that I was
worried about what he might do to her if
she was around when he showed up. I told
her everything! The dreams I had every
night, the fear that I was going to be just
like him. I told her my biggest secret of all:
that I had the darkness inside of me, the
raw power I felt coursing through me, and
how when I’m angry it’s like a panther
trying to claw its way to the surface.
Deandra didn’t bat an eye. She took it all
in, and there were a few moments before
she responded. I thought I may have
freaked her out by saying too much.
“The first thing I’m going to tell you
is this. Logan you are not your father and
you will never become him. For one, you
have the biggest heart and even though
you hide it from everyone else you can’t
hide it from me. Second, don’t worry
about me. If he comes while I’m here and
tries to do something stupid, I know you
won’t let anything happen to me, just like
I won’t let anything happen to you. Last,
all of this is going to make you a better
person. It will make you the best friend to
anyone you deem worthy of getting over
the wall you locked yourself in, but It’s
also going to make you a force to be
reckoned with. Your determination and
passion are going to make you an amazing
boyfriend, husband, and father one day.”
That wasn’t what I was expecting to
come out of her mouth, and it made me
feel glad that I was trusting my secrets to
her. She was right; we were going to be
great friends. I thanked the universe once
again for bringing Deandra to me when
they did. I don’t think I could have
continued to fight the darkness that was
growing inside of me without her.
Probably makes me sound like a chick, but
I don’t care.
“Thank you D. Okay, so enough with
the serious talk. How do you like it here so
far?”
She launched into telling me
everything, right down to the rumors that
were circulating through the student body
about us. I’ll never understand how the
minds of girls work. We ended up
watching some TV, and then Deandra got
ready to head out. I walked her out and
watched her walk down the street. She
only lived a few houses down, and I
wanted to make sure nothing happened to
her.
My mom finally made an
appearance, and she didn’t look good.
There was something strange about the
way she was acting. She would jump at
any little sound, she looked like she had
lost a lot of weight, and she had black
circles around her eyes. She used to wear
these pretty sundresses all the time, but
now she wouldn’t wear anything other
than long sleeves and jeans. I tried talking
to her, but she wouldn’t even look at me.
It’s like I was reminding her of something
that she hates. I knew I was starting to
finally grow into my body, I mean puberty
and all, but it was more than that. I’ve
caught myself a few times staring at my
reflection in the mirror. I was looking
more and more like him. Maybe that was
why she couldn’t look at me. I looked like
the person who destroyed our life. I gave
up on trying to talk to her and just went
on acting like nothing was different. More
lies, more secrets, more questions with no
answers.
The rest of our junior year in high
school flew by, and all of a sudden it was
summer. School had become more
tolerable since Deandra came into the
picture; she actually made me get out of
the house every weekend. We weren’t part
of the popular crowd, but we managed to
get drafted into this group of kids that
lived around us. They were the
emo/skater-type people.
I was planning on getting a summer
job just to have extra cash and be able to
help mom if she needed it, but I never got
around to applying for any. D spent a lot
of time with the group we hung out with
at school. I kind of thought she might have
been into one of the chicks that were in
the group. I hung out with them every
once in a while, but it wasn’t really my
thing. They all liked to party and hook up,
and that wasn’t me. That’s surprising,
right? I couldn’t care less about the things
most teenage boys were interested in. I
fully intended on staying away from the
opposite sex. I didn’t want to fall into the
kind of love that most teenagers had. It’s
just a way to set yourself up for failure.
It was the last week of summer
vacation, and I was over at one of the
guys’ house, and he planned for us all to
meet up at some indoor mini golf place
that night. It was supposed to be really
cool since all of it was decked out in black
lights, so I agreed to go. I couldn’t
remember a time I went out on a Friday
night. That’s what decided it for me, well
that and Deandra begging me to go with
them. She had a date with some chick
from school that she met through one of
the guys in the group and said she needed
her ‘wingman’. I don’t know why because I
never dated anyone, so I had no idea how
I could help her.
We walked to the mini golf place
because none of us had a car. After
waiting outside for the rest of the group
to show up, I noticed D’s date had another
girl with her. The girl was hot! She was
wearing faded blue jeans with holes in
them and this super tight black tank top
that hugged her breasts like an extra layer
of skin. She had creamy white skin, red
kissable lips, and blue-grey eyes that
reminded me of a cloudy sky.
“Earth to Logan! You may want to
pick up your jaw off the floor and wipe
the drool of your chin,” Deandra managed
to whisper to me in between her giggles.
“Who is that D?”
“Um I think that’s Elise. She’s
Jaime’s twin.”
Twin? Wait. I didn’t know Jaime
had a twin, and once D said that, I
noticed the other girl next to her. They
definitely weren’t identical because Jaime
didn’t look anything like Elise. Jaime was
a tomboy; Elise looked a lot more girly.
Jaime was wearing some black dickey
pants and a purple shirt that showed her
shape but wasn’t skin tight. She had short
black hair that she spiked out and green
eyes. She looked absolutely nothing like
Elise.
Jaime walked up to D to give her a
hug and turned to face me and her sister.
“So Logan, this is Elise. Elise, this is
Logan.”
I turned to look at D with a look
that said, “What the hell is going on”
because I totally felt like I was set up all of
a sudden. D just smiled and looked away.
Yup, I was totally being set up!
“Hi Logan. From the look your
giving Deandra, I’m assuming you didn’t
know about this either?”
She gestured with her hands
between the two of us.
“Well, no I didn’t, but I should have
guessed this was going to happen.” I laugh,
“Hey, let’s get inside so we can kick their
butts at mini golf for setting us up. What
do you say?”
“Let’s do it. You girls are going
down!”
Laughing we made our way to the
counter to pay, and then we hit the
course. We killed Jaime and Deandra. I
was surprised to see that I actually got
along well with Elise. My guard stayed up,
but not as high as it usually does. I was
able to be myself without explaining my
past. Jaime asked me if I could give her
and D some time alone. I agreed partly
because I knew D would want the same
thing, but I also wanted to spend some
time alone with Elise.
We said our goodbyes and walked in
different directions. I had a hundred
different thoughts running through my
head, and I knew I needed to say
something to Elise. We had gotten along
all night, and I could see myself liking her,
but I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I
didn’t want the complications that come
with it. I didn’t want to tell her about my
past and involve her in my messed up life.
My dad was winning again. It’s one thing
to tell D about what was going on, but I
couldn’t do that to Elise. I started to put
my guard up higher and ended up taking
her home. We talked the entire time, and
when we reached her door, she leaned in
and gave me my first kiss.
Maybe hanging out with D made me
go soft, but this just didn’t feel right. She
walked inside, and I walked home to find
D on my porch waiting for me. She had
been crying. My first thought was that
something went wrong with Jaime. I
completely forgot about my kiss and asked
D what was wrong. Her answer was the
worst possible news I could have gotten.
“Logan, I’m moving again,” she said
in between sobs.
“What do you mean you’re
moving?”
“My mom was cheating on my dad,
so he kicked her out. She wants me to
move with her.”
“Don’t! Tell your dad that you want
to stay here with him.”
“I tried. He said I should go with her
to keep an eye on her.”
I couldn’t believe it. This is why I
never got close to people. They would
always leave me.
“This sucks beyond anything, you
know that? I wish there was something I
can do to convince him to let you stay.”
“Just promise that no matter where
I move, we will stay in touch. Promise me
Logan.”
“I promise D.”
We hugged, and I walked her home
so she wouldn’t have to face it all over
again by herself. I felt the beast clawing its
way to the surface, and I stiffened up.
Deandra must have felt the change
because she stopped to turn and look at
me.
“Logan take a deep breath. Good.
Now release it. It’s going to be ok. You are
not alone. You have Elise now, and Jaime
said she would keep an eye on you. You
have our whole group. It’s not going to go
back to the way it was last year.”
Deandra didn’t understand that the
whole reason I hung out with our group
was to be around her. It had been a year
since I started to feel alive, one year of D
being in my life every day. I had been
ignoring the signs that something was
definitely wrong with my mom. I would
have to face everything that I had been
avoiding. It was all going to crash down
around me.
“Elise kissed me.”
“What? Why didn’t you say anything
before now?”
“Well after you told me you are
being forced to move, kissing seemed less
important. What’s the big deal anyways?”
“It’s a huge deal! It was your first
kiss. Be a total girl about it and tell me
how it was.”
“Ugh, a total girl D? You do realize
you wound my masculinity all the time,
right?”
I was enjoying laughing with her so
much. I was going to miss this. D was the
only person I could be myself with
completely. How was I going to go back to
who I was? I didn’t want that.
“Yeah yeah. Get to the kiss.”
“Well it was just a kiss, but it felt
totally wrong. It felt like I was cheating on
someone, and that makes no sense
whatsoever considering I’m not dating
anyone.”
“Well maybe it’s just your mind’s
way of telling you that she’s not the one.”
“Come on D. We’re seventeen and
still in high school. The chances of me
finding ‘the one’ are slim to none.”
“I don’t know about that, but kiss
girls and make mistakes. Live life Logan.
Don’t go back to how you used to be. If
you don’t want to do it for yourself, then
do it for me. I’ll expect a report of your
conquests every time I call!”
“Okay. Take care of yourself
Deandra. I’m going to miss your ugly
face.”
“Me too Logan. I’m going to miss
you so much that it’s ridiculous.”
I gave her a hug and a kiss on the
head. I turned around and walked away
from the new life I had and into the old
one I was all too familiar with, but
something was different. I could feel it
pulsing underneath my skin. It was held
back by Deandra’s presence, but it had
come back full force. It’s begging to be
released.