Entrelacen (8 page)

It was New Year's Eve. My twentieth birthday
was only four months away. It was only eight months
until we would make our move. I was out at the mall
with Ashley and Mia shopping for our outfits for the
night's festivities. Ashley is a new friend I made in
college. She’s the sister of a girl I worked with at the
water park, and we hit it off. Mia knew Ashley from
school, so we formed this little group. Ashley is
beautiful, but if you told her that she would find 100
reasons why she’s not. While Mia isn’t that pretty, her
personality makes you look past it all.

“So tell us about this guy that has you smiling
like an idiot," Mia said.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about
Mia.”
“Oh come on. Spill it," Ashley said,
continuing what Mia had started.
“Fine Ashley. We ran into each other when I
was on vacation in Vegas a year ago, and when I say
we ran into each other, I mean that literally. Well he
found me somehow on Myspace later on, and we’ve
been talking ever since then."
“Is he hot?”
They laughed, and I had to join in with them
because he totally was. He reminded me of Channing
Tatum the first time I saw him, but I didn't tell them
that.
“Oh she’s smiling Ash, which means he
definitely is hot.”
I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. For the
first time ever I was deliriously happy. I knew it was
crazy to feel that way because he lived a million miles
away from me. I didn't care though. We weren't even
together, and he still made it his mission to make me
smile. Alicia Keys' song “Fallin” started playing from
my phone (his ringtone). I swear it’s like he knew
when I was thinking about him.
“Hey!”
“Hey babe, what are you doing?”
I know it’s totally weird that he called me babe
when we were not even dating, but I have to admit I
loved it. It sent butterflies all through my stomach and
gave me this natural high. It’s like he knew exactly
what to say to chip away at the walls I had built.
“Some girls and I are at the mall trying to find
something to wear to the party tonight. What are you
doing?”
“I’m a little jealous you’re going to a party
tonight without me. What if someone kisses you?”
I like when he got jealous. It meant he cared,
right? We had not had that conversation, the DTR
(define the relationship) one. It seemed so childish.
We had this unspoken thing that we did to show we
cared. First clue, jealousy.
“Well, isn’t that the idea? Go to a party, check.
Find a hot guy and geta hot kiss at midnight?”
“So you’re saying you’re going to kiss
someone tonight?”
Got him right where I want him. "Duh. I mean
that’s if you don’t call me at midnight.”
“That’s my girl. I’ll make sure I call at
midnight my time and midnight your time, so you can
have 2 kisses. I have to go though. I was on break, but
I needed to hear your voice.”
“Awe that’s sweet. Okay. I’ll let you go. You
better call me, or I’m going to find someone to kiss.”
“Babe, you know you won’t, but I’ll call you
to make sure. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Be careful tonight. Bye love.”
“You too. Bye babe.”
Walking down the mall, I felt lighter than air.
Nothing could spoil my mood.
“April, HELLO, are you still with us?”
Apparently I block everything out when I’m in
my bubble, because it’s obvious Mia and Ashley had
been calling me for a while.
“Duh, we have to find something nice so we
can take some hot pictures.”
“Oh my god, you’re in love with him!”
Mia had this look on her face that I can’t even
describe. It was a mixture of shock and awe. Was she
right? Was I in love with James? My emotions were
raging inside of me. I couldn't be in love with him
when I loved Brian, right? There was still nothing
going on the front with him. He was still MIA. No,
not love, infatuation with James, yes definitely. Yes I
was infatuated with James.
“Mia, please, I’ve met him in person once. I
can’t be in love with him. I can say I’m infatuated
with him. James makes me smile. He doesn’t make
me feel like I should be something I’m not.”
I felt a little conflicted. I fully believed that
Brian was my soul mate, but maybe we weren’t ever
going to be together. Can you be soul mates with a
friend? It was going on two years of knowing Brian.
If he felt anything more, it would have happened by
now. Feeling justified, I allowed myself to be happy.
Maybe I could have a future with James. Forgetting
about boys, I put all my focus into finding a cute
outfit and getting pumped for the NYE party.
We walked into Vanity, and I immediately
spotted these awesome jeans that I just had to have.
Okay, I just needed to find a shirt. I started looking
through shirts, and just when I didn’t think I was
going to find one, I did. It was usually not my style,
but it was so perfect that I didn't care. I bought it
immediately.
The party had started off great. I was having a
lot of fun, but then midnight rolled around. No call. I
made a quick call to my cousin because he’s blessed
with having his birthday on New Year’s Day, and then
I waited outside for a little while since its quiet. Still
no call came through. It made me feel insecure and
hurt that he didn't call. I pushed it to the back of my
mind like I did with everything else and went back
inside.
It had been a few days, and I still hadn’t heard
from James. I started to get really worried. I thought
maybe he wasn't just blowing me off that night.
Maybe something happened to him. I finally got an
alert on my phone from Myspace. I logged on and
went into my messages:
Hey April. This is James’s mom. He wanted me
to get a hold of you and let you know that he’s in jail
and won’t be able to call you like he said. As soon as
he can, he’ll call you.

So that was... well I don’t know what that was.
I know what it’s like to be in jail because of my
brother. He is all too familiar with it, so I replied to
her message.

Hey, I know you don’t know me, and you’re
only letting me know what’s going on because he
asked you to. I was wondering if I could have his
inmate number and the address. I know from
experience that mail helps them get through it in
there. I appreciate you letting me know what’s going
on.

For the next few months we wrote back and
forth, at least twice a week. I found out that he got
arrested for assault down on the Las Vegas Strip
because some guys pushed him, and he defended
himself. For the first time I did something I never
thought I would and actually sent him pictures of
myself. It’s insecurity in its finest form. I knew he had
seen me, but that was once and over a year ago. I'm a
little embarrassed to admit that his letters were what
really did me in. I was completely and totally in love
with him. At least I thinkI’m.

Summer came and went. I saved every single
pay check from the Water Park, and boy were they
nice pay checks! Working over 100 hours every two
weeks seems like a lot, but I loved working at the
water park. I was the front end manager and had a lot
of fun. Nothing could be better than that. It’s August
31, 2007. Lee turned one! We was hanging out in a
hanging bouncer on the porch while Matthew was
running up and down the UHaul truck’s ramp.

It was thrilling and unnerving at the same
time. Picking up and moving to a completely new life,
going somewhere that nobody knows my past felt….
wonderful. No one would know that I ran away once,
that I was a cutter, or that I was once so shy that I let
people walk all over me. This was my second chance
at something new, and this was my chance to really be
me. It’s funny when I looked back to when I was
thirteen; I had such high hopes and dreams, yet
nothing really accomplished. Next thing I knew I was
twenty years old and running away from my old life
into something new.

We drove the eight hundred plus miles from
Texas to Nevada. Getting a job was top priority. I
started working two jobs. I was already making new
friends. One of the best type of friend I could have
made was this crazy girl Nicole. We started working
at this retail shop at the same time and instantly
clicked, which is beyond crazy since we both despise
most girls. Nicole was a bit outspoken and hilarious. I
was never bored when she was around. She had these
amazingly expressive brown eyes, black hair, tattoos
and piercings, and was totally not what you would
expect. Then again when people first look at me, I’m
probably not what they expect either. I got my first
tattoo when I was fifteen. Everything in my life
changed during that time in my life, and I felt like it
needed to be documented. I don’t believe in getting
random designs. Each one of my tattoos has a special
meaning to me. The first one I got was my name; it’s
on my right ankle. It’s something that’s not ever going
to change but reminds me of who I’m every day. I
think I got it because I really wanted to get my nose
pierced, but my mom wouldn’t let me, however she
allowed a tattoo. Backwards, right? Well she figured
my name was never going to change, so oh well.
Little did she know she just set me up for the biggest
addiction of my life. I ended up getting my nose
pierced when I turned sixteen anyways.

It was downhill from there. The next tattoo
was the Chinese symbol for faith. It covers the scar
that was left behind from one of the bad times in my
life. I remember it like it was yesterday...

This floor is hard. It reminds me of life.
Everyone always walking all over me, like the floor,
no one cares if they scratch or destroy me. How
pathetic I’m comparing myself to a floor. I don’t know
what’s more pathetic: the fact that I’m doing the
comparison or the fact that it’s true. Its funny how you
can be surrounded many people but feel so alone. I
woke up this morning so damn depressed that I
decided I couldn't do it anymore, so I go get a towel
and lay it down. I grab a razor and sit down on top of
the towel. As I swipe the razor over my left wrist, I get
interrupted, but not before I make contact.

The past is supposed to stay in the past, but it
never does. I got three more tattoos along the way: a
trinity with my mom, a crescent moon and stars, and
then a butterfly. Nicole was surprised when I let her
know all about my tattoos because I still have that
nerdy vibe. Hanging out with her put me at ease. She
accepted me as me. She didn't ask about my past. It
was a silent mutual understanding of each other. I
knew she had a hard life and vice versa.

We started working on the jean wall, and we
ended up talking about James. I started to feel guilty
because I hadn't written to him since we moved to Las
Vegas; its now been six months. Our thing started to
become too real, and my insecurities started to show
their ugly headmore often now that I’m in the same
state as him. I’ve never been the type to be overly
confident or conceded, but I know I have a pretty face
and I have a great personality once people get past my
shyness. My problem is that I don’t have that
“perfect” figure all guys want.

A few months went by and my twenty-first
birthday came around, so I went back to Texas to
celebrate. You’re probably wondering why I would
leave Vegas to go to Texas to celebrate right? Well to
put it simply, I missed my group of friends. No one
knows how to party like they do. So that’s what we
did the whole week I was there. Days were filled with
playing with Mathew and Lee. Nights were occupied
with parties. Speaking of Mathew and Lee, the
moment I stepped off the plane, I knew I was going to
be getting some interesting news. Well, interesting
might be the wrong word. Shocked, pissed off, and
hundreds of other names that I won’t repeat work a lot
better. Why, you ask. Well guess who was going to be
having another baby, as if two weren’t enough? That’s
right. My father and his wife Tiffany were having
another child in about two months. I just looked at
them, took the boys, and walked out.
What the hell
were they thinking? It’s like they didn't realize they
weren't even able to raise the two they had. Why did
they think they could take care of another one?

One of the things that have always remained
constant in my life was the guarantee that my father
would always be unemployed. It amazed me that he
still put himself first. I know he did it with me and my
brother, but we were lucky enough to have a mother
that cared enough to take notice. When I brought the
boys home from the walk, I decided it was time to
have chat with my dad. I mean someone had to, right?
If he wasn’t going to man up, someone needed to step
in and let him know how ridiculous he had been. Why
not me?

“Hey Dad. Can I talk to you for a second?”
The whole time I was cringing inside because I knew
that this conversation could turn into a major fight. Oh
well. Guns up, right?

“What’s up daughter?”
“I know you’re supposed to be the adult, but
you are acting childish. I absolutely adore my little
brothers, but what the hell are you thinking by
bringing another child into this world, into your
family when you can’t even support the ones you
have?”
The look he had on his face was priceless. I
don’t think I had ever seen my dad this shocked
before. Immediately after, anger replaced the look of
shock. You know when people say that the eyes are
windows to the soul? Well, it’s true. I knew the
moment he got angry just by looking at his eyes, and I
braced myself. I seriously planted my feet and took on
a fighting stance. Since that one night, fighting with
him is something I take very seriously.
“You’re right. I’m the adult, and what I do
with MY family is my business, not yours. If we want
to have more kids,we’re going to have more kids. It’s
as simple as that. If you don’t like it, that’s too damn
bad. You don’t have to be a part of it.”
“One of these days those boys are going to be
mine. At the rate you’re going, it’s going to be sooner
rather than later.”
With that said, I left. I don’t know why I even
tried. He didn’t hear anything that was said. I’m so
glad that I’m like my mother. She truly was my saving
grace. Without her, who knows what my life would
have ended up like?