Euphoria (12 page)

I spent the next half hour sitting on a bench in the park telling my sister everything from Scarlett and Mason’s friendship and her helping him out with his recovery to the acceptance letter to UC Berkeley to filling out applications for Scarlett without her knowing. The following half hour was spent listening to her scold me about my selfish behavior and her telling me in every possible way that I was acting like an ass about the Mom and Scarlett situations. By the time we ended the call, Crys had successfully brought me back to reality and I knew what I needed to do to make things right.

As I drove back to my house that afternoon, I called my mom and apologized to her for both showing up at her house without calling and for my childish reaction once I found that she wasn’t alone. I told her that I did want her to be happy and promised to be more understanding. Hearing the joy in her voice after I said what I needed to, elated me immensely. We exchanged “I love you’s,” and said goodbye as I pulled into my driveway. I grabbed the mail from the box just before going into the house and tossed it on the kitchen table as I headed back to my room. I quickly typed out a text to Scarlett before stripping out of my clothes and jumping in the shower.

Me: Hey butterfly, I hope everything went good today. If you are free tonight, I’d love to see ya. I’m about to take a shower but after that I’ll just be chillin at the house.

SCARLETT

I was turning on to Ash’s street when his text came through on my phone. I looked down at my phone, smiling, I had missed not hearing from him all day. I didn’t know if he was upset with me since I had spent a Saturday with Mason or if he was busy doing things on his own.

My day had not gone quite as planned, beginning with picking up not just Mase, but Andi too from the center. Once we got to the apartment, I realized that I had underestimated the emotions that I would feel being back in the place that he and I once lived as a couple. I didn’t even want to go back into his bedroom, I wasn’t sure that I could see the bed that we had shared intimately. In addition, I couldn’t figure out their relationship at all; it seemed as if they didn’t know each other very well, which I couldn’t decide if that made me happy or not. Either they were great actors or there really was nothing going on between them romantically. I could never get Mase alone to ask him who she was or what was going on with the whole situation. She seemed nice enough, a little on the quiet side, but very appreciative to both me and him. I took them both to Super Target so that they could stock up on groceries, toiletries, and other things that they needed. She had mentioned that she had never lived on her own before, and when she went to pay, she used an American Express platinum card. The entire scenario continued to get more and more bizarre as the day went on, but I just did what any good friend would, I smiled and stayed supportive.

Once we got all of the food put away in the refrigerator and pantry and the rest of the plastic bags unpacked, I decided to leave them to get some rest. They both seemed to be pretty exhausted. I couldn’t imagine the emotional or mental mindset of either of them, having just been released from rehab. I wasn’t sure what Andi’s addiction problems were, but I hoped that Mase had really thought about that thoroughly. I didn’t know the first thing about how the rehabilitation process worked, but two recovering addicts living together didn’t seem like such a good idea to me… or maybe it was, maybe they could support each other and hold the other accountable… I really had no idea. I supposed it really didn’t matter at that point, it was a done deal.

As I was leaving the apartment, both of them thanked me several times for my help and Mase gave me a tight hug with a kiss on the forehead before I made my way out the door. As soon as I got in my car, I decided I didn’t want to spend the rest of my evening wondering what in the world had just happened, so I drove straight to Ash’s house.

I skipped up the front walk and tapped my knuckles on the door, anxious to see him. After several knocks with no response, I assumed he was still in the shower and grabbed the spare key from under the flower pot, letting myself inside.

“Hello? Anyone home?” I called out as I walked through the front door. No one responded but I heard the shower running in the back of the house, confirming my previous assumption. Before heading back to Ash’s room, I got a coke out of the refrigerator and as I walked by the kitchen table, an envelope with my name in the pile of mail caught my eye. Curious to why something addressed to me would be coming to his house, I opened the letter and read it. Completely confused and more than a little irritated, I went to his room and waited for him to get out of the shower.

Several minutes later, I heard the water turn off and shortly thereafter, he walked into his room, wearing only a towel around his waist. As soon as he saw me sitting on his bed, he smiled and said, “Wow! That was fast!”

When he leaned down to kiss me, I put the letter in front of my face to block his advance. “Do you want to explain what this is?”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Can’t Stand Me Now ~ The Libertines

Over You ~ Miranda Lambert

All of Me ~ John Legend

ASH

When Scarlett shoved the letter in front of my face, my heart sunk into my stomach. I had planned on coming clean about everything that night, I really had, but this definitely wasn’t the way I wanted her to find out. I was stunned silent for a moment as I briefly skimmed over the letter that she held up. Not knowing the best way to approach the subject now, I just decided to be brutally honest.

“It’s an acceptance letter into UC Berkeley,” I answered.

“Why is it addressed to me?” Both her hands and her voice were shaking as she asked the question.

I took the letter from her hands and sat down next to her on the bed, still in just my towel. “I know you probably aren’t going to believe me, but I was going to tell you all about this and everything else tonight or the next time I saw you.”

“Everything else? What in the fuck is going on, Ash? Why have I been accepted into some college that I didn’t apply to?” The confusion was quickly turning into anger and I knew that I needed to start explaining fast.

“Let me put some clothes on so that we can talk,” I said as I slid off the bed and walked over to my dresser. I swiftly threw on some boxers and pajama pants and then rejoined her on the bed. She just sat there staring at me, making no attempt to hide her displeasure; I was expecting either steam to start rising from her head or a flood of tears to fall from her big brown eyes at any minute.

“Okay, so here’s the deal. As you know I’m finishing up my Master’s degree this May, so I’ve been applying to several different universities to enter their doctorate programs. I knew that if I was accepted into any of these, I’d have to move and I wanted you to come with me wherever I went. So without talking to you first, I took it upon myself to apply for a transfer for you to each of these schools as well. I thought that once I found the right place where we could both go, I’d present it to you and you’d want to go together. I didn’t want to tell you and stress you out until I knew that we were both in.”

“So let me get this straight… you were basically deciding my future for me. You weren’t giving me any say in what school I go to or where I live?”

“Well there are only a handful of schools that offer a PhD program in nuclear astrophysics, so I applied to all of them for both of us. I mean, of course you have the option to not come with me, but I thought that this…,” I explained as I moved my hand back and forth between our two bodies, “I thought we were for forever, so I assumed that you would want to go.”

“Do you hear yourself right now? Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? You’re no better than my parents who tried to control me forever. You’re completely planning my future for me, without even discussing it with me!”

“That wasn’t my intention, Scarlett…”

“No! It’s my turn to talk,” she interrupted me. “You of all people… the person that has been so adamant about me learning to make decisions on my own, to live my life for me, to not let others control me… you’re such a hypocrite! That’s exactly what you’ve done, or are trying to do. I can’t believe this.” She jumped off the bed and began pacing around my room.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think about it like that. I thought if when I told you about it, I had all the facts together, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I promise you, butterfly, I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was taking away your decision. If you would’ve said no to all of them, then we would’ve figured out something else.” My voice was now shaking, but with fear instead of anger as hers was.

“We would’ve figured something else out? Like you wouldn’t have continued your education? Bull shit! And don’t even with the ‘butterfly’ crap right now, that’s a fucking joke. You don’t want me to grow wings and learn how to fly, you want me in a little cocoon where you can control me just like everyone else!”

“Scarlett, please calm down. I know you’re mad; I know that I fucked this up, and I’m desperately trying to tell you that I’m sorry. I was going to tell you about everything, even without knowing that the letter came. I talked to Crys today and she made me realize that I was being a selfish asshole, especially with the way I handled this. I’m sorry! I want to know what you want. Please, let’s talk about this,” I pleaded with her.

“What I want right now is some time by myself. I need to cool off and time to think. I’ll call you later.” She picked up her purse and keys off of my bed and stomped out of the room. I desperately wanted to call after her, to chase after her and beg her not to leave, but I didn’t. I let her walk out the door, hoping and praying that it wasn’t for good… hoping and praying she wouldn’t run to his arms again.

SCARLETT

Anger didn’t even begin to cover the emotion that was coursing through my veins. Rage… fury... disappointment… irritation… outrage. I couldn’t stop shaking as I escaped Ash’s house and got into my car. I was so overwhelmed with everything that I had just found out, I couldn’t even cry. It was almost as if I was feeling so much, that I just went numb, like a defense mechanism so that I didn’t have a complete mental breakdown.

I needed someone to talk to badly. I couldn’t talk to Mase about this; he didn’t need any of my issues to stress about especially on his first day home with a new roommate. I could go home and talk to Max, but I felt like all I did was cry about my life to him. Plus, if I found out that he knew about what Ash had done, I was going to be livid with him as well. I tried calling Mina, but she didn’t answer; she was probably out with Noah somewhere, as she usually was. I really needed my Evie in that moment. I missed her all the time, but I really fucking needed her right then.

I drove straight to the cemetery; it was where I had to go, the only place that I felt I could find some solace. I parked my car not far from her gravesite and grabbed my jacket out of the backseat. The sun was disappearing into the horizon and the frigid February night was setting in rapidly. It had only been a couple of months since I had been there at the one year anniversary of her death, but so much had happened in that short amount of time. I trudged my way over to her headstone and knelt down in front of it. The ground was frozen and the wetness of the soil quickly soaked through the knees of my jeans, but I barely noticed.

As I read the words on her grave again, the tears finally came. And boy did they come. I sat there and cried and cried and cried. I have no idea how long it was before I was able to catch my breath and the lump in my throat subsided.

“Why did you have to leave me? I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without you. Every time I think I start to figure things out, like I’m finally moving in the right direction, something slaps me in the face and knocks me backwards. I need you here with me, I need you to catch me and pick me back up. You weren’t supposed to leave me; we were supposed to do this together. How dare you do this to me!”

Arms wrapped around me from behind as I began to sob again, pulling me close to the masculine chest to which they belonged. I knew by the clean scent of the cologne that it was Ash, and instead of jerking away from him, I let him embrace me. He pulled me into his lap and held me close to his body while he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. He continued to rock and soothe me in the cold darkness until I had cried out every last tear.

After I apologized and said goodbye to Evie, Ash ushered me to my car. Before closing my door, he squatted down so that he was eye level with me and reached out to brush his thumb across my cheek. “I’m really sorry for everything, Scarlett. Can we go back to one of our houses to talk about it? I can’t leave things this way between us.”

I nodded and agreed to talk to him at my house. I believed that he never intended to make me feel that I wasn’t capable to make a decision regarding our future or that my opinion didn’t matter, but his actions did just that. He needed to realize that if we were going to be together, important decisions like where we were going to go to college and live needed to be a joint discussion from the very beginning, particularly as I tried to escape that feeling of being controlled that I had lived with all of my life.

He followed me in his car for the short drive back to my house. Once we were inside, I excused myself to take a quick shower before we talked. I hadn’t been home since I had left for the rehab center that morning, and especially after my bawling session, I was sure I looked like a complete mess. I quickly washed the dried mascara off of my blotchy face and then tried to scrub the funk of the day off of me under the spray of hot water. After rapidly drying myself off, I went into my room to put on something comfortable and warm. Ash was waiting for me on my bed with all kinds of pieces of paper spread out around him as well as my laptop and iPad.