Every Shattered Thing (Come Alive) (17 page)

“Everything okay?”

I stare down at the drop—nothing more than twenty feet—but my palms start to sweat and my knees start to shake. I croak out. “I’m afraid of heights.”

No, afraid isn’t the word. It’s more like terrified. Scared shitless. Horrified.

He laughs. “Stephanie. I got you. Come on, you’ll feel better once you cross this. Besides, it’s quicker going this way than turning back and walking all the way through the meadow again.” He shrugs his shoulders and motions again toward the clouds. “Think of it as a shortcut.”

I shoot accusatory glances his way. “Did you know this was here? Did you know we’d have to walk on this bridge? What if a train comes?”

“Impossible. This track is dead at night. I use to walk it all the time, remember?”

I take a deep breath and grab his outstretched hand. “Okay. Let’s do this. But I swear, Matouse. If I die...”

He leans over and kisses my cheek. “That's my girl.”

My heart nearly jumps out of my chest when I find my footing beside him, but I ignore the fear banging against my ribcage and look at Kevin. “So, uh...I guess I don’t get it. You said you would walk the tracks when you were younger to get away.” I look around and try to not focus on what is below me.

“What is it exactly about walking tracks that helps take your mind off the situation?”

“When was the last time you thought about why you were out here, Steph?”

I walk quietly for a moment. “Point taken.”

In the distance, a slight rumble fills the air and echoes around us.

“Looks like we may get rained on.”

Kevin freezes mid step and turns to look at something to his right. The more I look at him the more I realize he’s not trying to
see
something but
hear
something. I stop, a funny feeling in my chest.

“What is it, Kevin?”

“It’s not rain.”

“What?”

“The sound. It’s not thunder.” He looks at me, hiding nervousness by twisting his lips and darting his gaze away from my face.

He’s avoiding me—he’s hiding something. What’s going on?

“What is it then?” I start taking a few more steps before I feel the shaking.

Holy fuck the ground is shaking.

I put two and two together and don’t have to strain my ears to hear the train’s siren. I turn my head and see Kevin’s figure, illuminated by the headlight. Even though I see the train and I know it’s coming, it takes me a little while to process everything. The fear settles deep in my chest and I scream.

“Holy shit. Kevin! Kevin we have to
run.”

He snaps out of his trance and turns and rushes towards me, hurdling the grooves and crevices of the rails. “Move,” he whispers urgently, pushing me forward as he grabs my arms and pulls me with him down the track. His eyes are wide and his breath is already labored, the fear and determination more evident with every step.

There’s no possible way we can outrun this train. We can’t jump, the riverbed has been dry for years now. The other side of the bridge is about 150 yards away, but at the rate we are running and dodging rails, we’ll never make it. My heart pounds in my chest. I can’t stop shaking. Kevin just continues to run, pulling me and yelling at me to watch my footing.

All of the sudden he stops and I charge in front of him from left over momentum. I turn around, the train’s whistle getting louder and louder and the rumbling becoming more and more pronounced. My whole body is shaking now. I can barely keep my footing.

“What...are...you...doing?" I ask him, furious and ready to push him off the bridge for bringing me here.

I swear if I make it out of here alive I’m gonna kill him.

“Look.” He points and I follow his gaze. We still have about 100 yards to go, but the other side of the hill juts out underneath the bridge, offering a makeshift overpass. We look at each other and hurriedly make our way to the edge where we can jump and hide from the oncoming train. We near the edge and I stop just as Kevin leaps for the hidden nook.

He has got to be kidding...

He lands hard and picks himself up, dusting off the dirt and grass. He looks around before realizing I have yet to jump.

“What the hell, Steph?! Are you kidding?! You gotta jump.” He calms down for half a breath and looks me in the eye. “It’s not that bad. I’m here. I got you. Please, Steph. Hurry.”

I toe the line and glance back at the train, closing in on me. I go to jump and freak out at the last minute, waving my arms around wildly before stepping back onto the track, gaining my composure and balance. I know I have less than seconds left, and I have to make a decision quickly. I don’t know if I can watch, and I don’t know if my heart will survive the adrenaline, but I close my eyes and step off the ledge, falling flat into Kevin as we tumble a few feet down the embankment. As soon as I land the train roars past, blaring it’s horn. I seriously miss getting smashed by seconds. We lay there for a few minutes, collecting ourselves and recuperating from the jostle of the train flying over us. My heart is still beating at double time, but now it’s not from fear. I feel...
alive.

That was fucking amazing.

Slowly, I began to smile. A low chuckle starts in my belly and rises to a full blown snort of laughter. Kevin twists his head and looks at me incredulously, “Wha...are you
laughing?
What’s so funny? We almost died. I almost killed you.” He covers his face with his hands and groans. “Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry. I made you walk the bridge. I made you do something you didn’t want to do.”

I can’t help it. I try to stop laughing but I can’t, his words only make it all worse.

Trying to hold it all in, I fail and make a horrible noise with my mouth. I lose all control then. I turn and bury my face in his chest and laugh so hard my eyes start to water and my chest starts to hurt.

I’m not laughing because anything is funny. Absolutely not. I’m laughing because of joy. Because, after the experience of running from a train and jumping and landing and feeling the vibrations even in my bones—I feel gloriously alive. Without even thinking, I jump up and start screaming at the top of my lungs, waving my arms in the air and twirling around. Once I stop, I hold out my hand and Kevin reaches for it, pulling me down on top of him. I push back his hoodie and look in his eyes.

“You are absolutely breathtaking when you lose your mind.” he whispers. “I’m so turned on right now.”

“Don’t you feel alive?”

Kevin gazes into my eyes and grins. “Yeah. I do. But mostly it’s because of the girl on top of me and not because I almost died from being run over by a train.”

I hit him and he laughs. I sit back and place my arm across his chest.

“You said you wanted an adventure.”

He stops laughing and looks at me, pulling me close. “I did didn’t I?” he whispers, and then kisses me slowly and surely as the thunder roars in the distance and the night insects end their song.

***

I’m resting on his chest and watching the clouds billow and break when he brushes the hair away from my cheek.

“We should probably get you home,” he says.

I groan. “I’d rather get drenched by those clouds then find out what waits for me at home.”

Kevin pulls me up toward him and cups my chin with his hands. “Promise me that no matter what happens you will always remember this night as something beautiful. Where instead of feeling worthless, you felt loved. Instead of hiding in fear, you fought and won. Instead of feeling hopeless, you remembered what it felt like to come alive.”

I allow a slow tear to fall and he wipes it off my cheek. “How did I even find you?”

He smiles and grabs my hand to keep walking. “I like to think we found each other.”

We turn the corner of my street and the rain starts to fall—slow steady drops making their way down—and for the first time I am anxious to get home just to hear the rain falling gently against my window. I sigh with contentment and Kevin drops his head in agreement. We walk this way until we get to my house, where, out of habit, I look for dad’s truck in the driveway.

He’s not there, but I’m not surprised. I take a deep breath and turn toward Kevin.

“Thanks for tonight.”

He kisses me on the cheek. “Of course. Go inside and hang out with your brother. Write about our sordid adventure tonight.” He winks and I blush, thinking again of the train’s headlight blinding me before I finally took the leap. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest for a little while before finally letting go. I walk in the front door to a silent house, my mom crashed out on the couch with cough syrup on the table and a pill bottle in her hand. Walking over to her, I place a finger on her throat just to feel the pulse and once satisfied, walk towards the bathroom to take a shower and wash off the grime from tonight.

It’s pretty sad when mom has to create her own cocktail in order to sleep through whatever may
happen at night.
I turn on the shower, allowing the hot water to warm my frozen bones. I think of my time with Kevin and blush as the steam starts rolling into the rest of the bathroom, fogging up the mirror. I know then, in the middle of another night spent with Kevin Matouse, I am desperately in love.

It scares me to death.

Chapter Fifteen

I walk into my room and notice all of the bags from yesterday’s shopping trip still strewn all over my floor. I decide to empty them and place the clothes where they are supposed to be when I notice Pacey hanging out under my covers. My heart drops. He only comes to sleep with me when something is wrong.

I walk over to the bed and sit down next to him, placing my hand on his face. He starts wiggling around and quietly moans.

“Hey Pace. What’s going on? Why are you sleeping in my room?”

He opens his eyes and rubs the sleep out of them before talking. I glance at my phone and realize it’s a little past one in the morning. When he realizes it’s me he grabs my hand.

“Where’ve you been? I woke up the other day and you were gone and you weren’t here last night.”

I bite my lip and stare at him a little bit before answering, “I just spent the night at a friend’s house, bud. I’m back now.” I motion to pick him up to take him back into his room and he protests.

“No!”
He stretches and rubs his eyes and I can see his lip begin to quiver. “Please let me sleep with you. I don’t want to be by myself.”

My arms drop and I watch him for a little while. Something else is going on. He’s

acting...different.

“Pace...what’s going on?”

He pushes himself farther down the covers and peeks at me out of the corner of his eye, his head almost completely covered by my blankets. Slowly, he pulls out his arm and holds it up for me to see, his other hand resting underneath his elbow to give him support. I look closely—at first I have no idea what he’s trying to show me. And then I see them, small dots on his upper arm, big enough for a cigarette butt.

My blood turns electric and I fight to remain under control.

That fucking bitch.

“Pacey, who did that to you?”

At first he just shakes his head, refusing to tattle, afraid something will happen if he gives up the name of his abuser. I have a good idea who it is, based on mom’s cocktail of forgetfulness on the table outside in the living room and her outburst with me earlier this morning. He takes a deep breath and starts talking just loud enough for me to hear. His eyes are wide and tears are brimming thick against his lashes.

“Momma got mad at me tonight for not eating my bologna sandwich. Her and Tyler started

playing connect the dots.”

I look closer and see the lines connecting the burns—from a Sharpie, no less—and my vision blurs. I can handle being a punching bag. I can get over being bought and seen as an object. But I won’t ever get use to seeing my little brother used as an ashtray. I close my eyes and lie down next to him, wrapping my arms around his small waist. He snuggles close to me and grabs my arms with his hands.

“Pace, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to protect you.”

He nuzzles his cheek against my neck and starts breathing evenly again. Within minutes, he’s fast asleep and I’m lost in my own thoughts, knowing my apology means nothing to Pacey not because he won’t forgive me, but because he’s not even upset. He never finds blame in anyone but knows when something isn’t right. And tonight, with painful burns dotting his arms, his four-year old heart knows something is definitely not right.

There has to be something I can do. There has to be a way to get out of this mess, and the tears start to fall in frustration when nothing comes to mind. I fight to keep Kevin’s words in my heart, that I am loved and worthy; I fight to keep the feeling of coming alive in my bones—the exhilaration of the next breath and the wind rushing against my face as I jumped off the bridge—but it’s not working.

It’s just never going to end, is it?
The question falls into my mind without any warning and I think about college next year and Pacey here by himself and dad's threats to do whatever it takes to keep me home. Suddenly, the magic of my night with Kevin shifts and I’m reminded of my reality—the nightmare I face every day. And as I fall asleep with Pacey in my arms, I feel the fight rise up in my bones. I
have
to get us out of here.

***

School the next day is a disaster. I can’t focus because of the night before. Every two hours or so, Pacey would wake up screaming and crying and I had to calm him down from the nightmare. Of course, he would just fall back asleep, but it wasn’t so easy for me. I didn’t sleep at all, and it’s showing in my lack of ability to stay awake.

These accidental all-nighters really need to stop.

At least, for now, I’m in English. Mrs. Peabody reserved the computer labs to give us a chance to work on our College Admissions project. I’m still fighting sleep when she walks over to where I’m sitting.

“Well hello, Stephanie.” She sits down next to me, her eyes wandering to the computer screen where I am looking at the local junior college’s admissions page. I quickly consider closing the browser, but then I realize I just don’t care.