Everything is Changed (16 page)

jake

‘You can't wear your skinny jeans, Jake,' says Mum from the doorway of my bedroom.

‘Don't be a cliché,' I say back.

She laughs and then her voice gets serious. ‘I mean it, Jake. You need to wear something less obviously teenagery.'

‘As far as I know there's no hiding the fact I'm a teenager, Mum. Unless you lied on my birth certificate. Now that you mention it, I am pretty small for my age.'

‘No denim and no manky t-shirt. You have that shirt I bought you for Dad's funeral.'

‘It's white.'

‘Yes, the opposite of black. Not sure why teenagers are so attached to wearing black. White is much cooler in summer.'

I laugh because I can't help it. Usually Mum is pretty in touch with things, but this is anything but.

She doesn't laugh back. She gives me the practised mother look. ‘Wear the shirt.'

‘Okay,' I say.

One of Mum's patients is a scientist. And because Mum clearly talks about me so much, and how I want to be a scientist, he offered to have us come down to the lab where he works and go on a tour. Mum's super excited and I want to be, but it's hard to be excited about anything at the moment, because Alex's moving and the man is still in a coma and everything I do reminds me of how my life is going to change next year without my best friend down the road. But I'm trying to be excited for Mum's sake. So today, Mum and I are going to the CSIRO to see inside the laboratories where they are developing new food grains that may reduce the risk of diabetes or something like that.

I feel like Charlie Bucket in the chocolate factory. The poor kid in the only new shirt they own with the overly excited adult accompanying them to see if their lot in life can possibly change.

I wait until she's out of the room and I take off my dirty black t-shirt and search around in the cupboard for the white one. It's at the back with my dad's motorcycle jacket that I haven't tried on in ages. I remember when I discovered he'd left it here. It was like this little secret between him and me, a sort of message that he was coming back one day. At least that's how I chose to see it when I was nine, but then he went to jail and never came back.

I slip on the white shirt and immediately feel ridiculous. The cotton is cool against my skin and I roll up the sleeves because I hate having anything on my arms. But no matter what Mum says, I'm not taking my skinny jeans off. It's not like this guy is about to offer me a job. It's just a tour.

I find Mum in the bathroom, putting on make-up. She never wears make-up. It's beginning to freak me out a bit.

‘Mum?'

She smiles into the mirror, causing her lipstick to go a bit crooked.

‘What's with all the effort?'

She takes her time to answer, rubbing her lips together and then wiping a tissue around the outside to blot off the smudges. It's strange seeing Mum in lipstick. It's like she's someone else.

‘Please don't wear those jeans, honey. They have a ripped knee.'

I smile. ‘They're supposed to.'

She sighs. ‘This man is doing us a favour. I just want to look respectable.'

And then I get it. All that stuff that I feel, Mum feels it too. Except where Mum obviously has a need to try and fit in, I get more rebellious when I think someone's judging me. But despite hating the idea of taking off my uniform skinny jeans with the holes, I nod. ‘Sure. I'll go change my jeans.'

Mum drives this old beat-up car that Dad bought new just after they'd had me. So it's nearly sixteen years old and looks every minute of it. It even has a tape deck, which I find constantly amusing, because most teenagers haven't even seen a cassette tape, let alone played one in their parent's car. Mum likes driving to The Beatles because they remind her of her dad.

‘So Thomas, that's the man who's showing us around today, he's worked at the CSIRO for twenty years. Isn't that amazing?' says Mum as she turns onto the freeway.

I'm too distracted to answer, because right at that second we drive under the overpass, and I automatically turn to stare at the bank on the side.

‘Jake?'

I nod distractedly as we speed past the spot where my life changed.

‘He started as a junior and now he runs the whole department.'

‘Oh,' I say, feeling my hand starting to shake so I wedge it under my thigh to stop it moving.

‘Jake?'

‘Yeah?' I finally look across at her.

‘Try to get excited about this. Okay?'

‘I am,' I say, forcing a smile.

Mum shoots me a glance to see if I understand what she's saying. I nod. She's really impressed with this guy and I hope it's because of his brain and not for some other reason. I'm not really sure how I'd deal with that. Mum hasn't dated anyone since Dad left and as far as I know she's pretty content with her job and her crime shows. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she wants something more.

‘I'm nervous,' I tell her, hoping it will cover how sweaty I am.

‘Oh, honey, don't be. It'll be fun.'

I close my eyes and listen intently to the words of She Loves Me whispering out of the speaker near my foot.

As we pull into the enormous car park at the Clayton CSIRO, I try to psych myself up. I'm going to see a proper lab where they do work on nanofabrication. Mr Cap was totally pumped when he heard where we were going, but Mum looked at me like I was telling her aliens were invading when I tried to explain what they did.

‘Shall we park here?' she asks, circling the car park for the hundredth time.

‘Yep. Perfect,' I say, slightly irritated she's so nervous, because I need her not to be.

She finally stops the car, killing the sound of Yellow Submarine.

‘Do I look okay?'

I smile as she strains to catch glimpses of her face in the rear-vision mirror. ‘Yeah, Mum. You look great.'

She nods. ‘Come on then. Your future awaits!'

Future. I'm not sure what that is now.

I traipse across the asphalt, Mum walking just a step in front. She keeps tugging at her clothes and flicking her hair like she's going on a date. We head inside to the cool of the foyer. Silver is everywhere, like the designer was setting the scene for what they imagine science will be one day. Mum can't keep still, and I try to ignore her, but the more she fluffs herself, the more I understand how much this means to her. She gives our names to the receptionist and we wait.

Mum shakes a tin of mints at me and I pour half the box into my hand. I chew more than I need, my mouth exploding with cold. A man with grey hair and a giant smile walks towards us. I clock his wedding ring as he holds his hand out to us. I'm relieved.

‘Good to see you, Kate,' he says, leaning in to kiss Mum on the cheek. She blushes and I wonder again what he is to her.

‘So this must be Jake, the budding scientist,' he says, shaking my hand.

I swallow the rest of the mints so I can speak. ‘Yeah,' I answer, feeling about five.

‘Your mum told me you've been doing really well at school.'

I shrug, embarrassed, while Mum watches me with this crazy proud-parent super smile plastered all over her face.

‘Do you know much about what we do here?'

‘Yeah, a bit …'

‘Well, you're about to see our state-of-the-art labs and other amazing facilities. You just have to wear these.'

He hands us two visitor's passes and I clip mine to my shirt. I'm pleased now Mum made me wear nice clothes. We fall in behind him as he leads us down a corridor. I can hear Mum making polite chit-chat while all I can do is stare at a huge cylindrical machine off to the left. We reach one of the labs. Through the glass, I can see giant machinery whirring and scientists in white lab coats, watching screens.

‘In this particular lab, the work they're doing is part of a global race to make microchip technology that can discover new enzymes,' says Thomas. Mum nods like she knows what he's talking about.

It's everything I imagined science would be. People bent over microscopes. Giant metal fridges. Fluorescent overhead lighting. And that still, quiet atmosphere just like in the church I used to go to with my grandfather, where people had their own little rituals they carried out in silence. This is my sort of church.

Mum and Thomas have walked ahead, so I hurry to catch up with them. Thomas holds open a door for me, and I walk through into a lab where even the air feels smart and knowing. Thomas talks softly, explaining. ‘This is our biochemistry lab where we do analysis of fabricated devices and imaging. We have a 3D printer and high-tech microscopes.'

I watch a woman peer into the eyepiece of a giant microscope. I want to know what she's looking at, but I don't want my voice to be the thing that breaks the silence, so I shuffle out behind Thomas without saying anything.

He shows us to the cleanroom areas, which we can't enter because they have to stay sterile. And he shows us the wet chemistry areas and the robotic wet benches. My mind soars at the possibilities. I'm aware of Mum studying me as I watch the busyness through the windows. I'm aware of her hope and it's a lot to bear, but nothing can weigh me down at this moment.

‘What do you think, Jake?' says Mum behind me.

‘Pretty amazing.' As if I can sum it up in words.

‘A lot's changed since I started here,' says Thomas. ‘Half these machines weren't even invented when I trained.'

‘So what do you do here?' I say, realising it's the first question I've asked, and even now can't actually look away from the lab long enough to make proper eye contact with him.

‘Sadly, I do more public relations work than real science these days, and I miss it,' he says. ‘But a lot of the work we do is very specialised and it's not necessarily my area of science. So instead I get to talk to the public a lot. Inspire young scientists like yourself.'

Mum laughs and I think how nervous she sounds, how unlike herself she is today. ‘Thanks, Thomas. I think he's very inspired,' she says, reaching out to touch my arm.

‘Yeah, thanks,' I say, realising the tour has come to an end and not wanting it to.

‘You should apply to our work experience program. We offer a few places to year ten students,' says Thomas.

My heart races at the thought of me, here. I nod, not managing any words. We follow him back to the reception area and hand in our visitor passes.

‘Here, Jake. Take my card and get your teacher to email me about the work experience program,' he says. I look down at the small white business card, his name embossed in gold letters. I can feel my hand starting to shake again and I wedge the card down deep into my pocket so I won't lose it. I've never been given a business card before.

‘You take care, Kate,' he says, giving Mum another kiss on the cheek. ‘Your mum looked after me very well in hospital. She made sure I always got chocolate mousse instead of jelly for dessert.' He laughs and then adds warmly, ‘It was nice to meet you, Jake. Best of luck with everything.'

I manage to say thanks, and then Mum and I head out into the day. It's so sunny I have to fight to keep my eyes open. Neither of us says anything until we get to the car and then it's like all the effort of having such good manners makes us both explode with giggles. Mum can't find her car keys and has to tip out everything in her bag to find them and even that makes us laugh. Finally she holds them up, triumphant. ‘Ta da,' she says, sending us into stitches again.

I slide into the front seat and say to her, ‘That was great.'

Mum smiles a big, beaming smile at me. ‘Yeah. It really was.'

‘Thanks, Mum.'

‘Pleasure, honey. Thanks for letting me come with you. Hope I didn't ask too many stupid questions.'

‘Not one.'

She nudges me. ‘What about if we go have lunch in the city instead of going home?'

I smile. ‘Yeah.'

‘You'll have to navigate, though. I have no idea how to get there.'

‘Okay,' I say as she hands me her mobile so I can look up Google Maps.

Maybe if I can just keep going, everything will be okay after all.

alex

My locker looks so small now that it's empty. I've taken the lock from the front and left all the stickers and graffiti. I sort of like the idea that some part of me will live on after I'm gone. Jake has managed to avoid me for the most of the day. I know he's feeling weird about me leaving, but I wish we could just hang out like normal for the last time.

I know I should be moving a bit faster because class is about to start but I don't want to. I'm pulling out all the empty chip packets shoved right down the back of the locker when Lucas whacks me on the back in a sort of affectionate way.

‘See ya round, Alex.'

‘You just broke my shoulder,' I say.

‘Don't change. We like you the way you are,' adds Tien with a grin.

‘I'll be back. And I'll send you an invite to my sixteenth next year.'

‘With all the rich kids? Awesome,' says Tien.

‘Strike that. I won't bother inviting either of you.'

Tien smiles and gives me half a hug. It feels strange having guys I've known since prep saying goodbye to me like I'm leaving the planet.

‘We're heading to the skate park after school …' I say to Lucas and Tien, knowing even before Tien pretends to salute me they won't come. They never do.

‘Bye,' I shout as they get swallowed up in the swarm of students already celebrating the end of year before their final classes.

‘You okay?' Ellie's peeking out from behind my locker door.

She has her ‘smart look' empty-frame glasses perched on her head.

‘Yeah. Nah. Dunno.'

She nods. ‘It's a funny feeling, isn't it?' Of course she totally gets it. She's moved schools three times already because her dad gets posted to different places.

‘Yeah. I guess I hadn't really thought about it properly, even though I knew it was coming. I just kept putting it off in my head.'

‘At least you aren't moving states.'

‘True.'

‘And this way you get more holidays.'

‘Also true,' I say, thinking of the extra weeks at the beginning and end of each year.

I slam the door but it doesn't shut. It's never shut properly. Ellie taps the locker next to it. Jake's locker. We've had adjoining lockers since we started high school.

‘And Jake?'

‘Ignoring me. No, not ignoring me. Ignoring the fact I'm leaving.'

‘How very Jake of him.'

The thing is, I know why he's ignoring it, but I can't really explain it to Ellie. He thinks I'm leaving him here to be alone with the freeway, with what happened. He thinks that because I'm moving I'm escaping it all. It's not true. I'll just take it with me wherever I go, but I get why he's feeling deserted.

Ellie must interpret my silence as sadness because she stretches up and kisses me on the lips. Usually she's all weird about us kissing at school. She thinks it's bad form. So I reach for her, sliding my arms around her back and pulling her closer, until she's leaning on me up against the bank of lockers. Then she stops and moves away.

‘School rules, Mr Cormack. No kissing in the corridor,' she says with a smile.

‘So expel me.'

Then Ellie grabs my hands in hers and looks serious for a second. ‘Wish you weren't leaving.'

‘Yeah, it sucks.'

‘We've only just found each other.'

‘I'm only 19.2 kilometres down the road. You make it sound like I'm dying.'

‘I know, but it still sucks.'

I like knowing Ellie doesn't want me to leave. ‘Do you want to hang out at the skate park later?'

Ellie pulls a face that I know means she's about to take the piss. ‘You asking me on a date?'

‘Yep. I'm all class.'

The bell goes and Ellie practically shoves me down the corridor towards English. Seems bizarre I'm even bothering to attend. As far as last days go, it's been a pretty ordinary one. Sass's friends were organising some sort of going-away party for her. All I get is double English and a cold meat pie.

*

Jake is showing off. He's doing every trick he has, maybe so that Ellie can see how great he is. This is the first time we've hung out all together in the skate park and I can sense Jake is feeling strange about it. Maybe that explains why he's behaving like a dick.

‘Check this one,' he calls to us. I don't look but Ellie does. She must realise I'm not watching him because she elbows me playfully in the side. This must be what it feels like to have a child who wants you to watch them all the time.

‘My turn,' says Ellie.

As Jake rides up out of the bowl, Ellie grabs my board.

‘It's really hard, Ellie.'

‘Yeah, I bet,' she says, smiling.

Jake looks at me like he's waiting for me to tell her not to do it. As if.

‘It's not for beginners,' says Jake.

Ellie laughs and I want to kiss her.

‘I can ride a board, Jake.'

‘Yeah, but …'

‘But nothing. Just tell me what to do.'

Jake shrugs. ‘You have to drop into the bowl …'

‘You mean I have to ride off the edge and into that hole over there?'

Jake laughs and I get a twinge of jealousy. Ellie can lighten him in ways I can't now.

‘Come on, I'll show you,' says Jake.

‘I'll watch,' I say, walking over to sit on the edge of the small bowl.

Ellie and Jake skate around to the other side. Ellie looks right on a board. She's a good height and she knows how to stand without looking awkward like I do. I'd never admit it to Jake, but I always feel like this big tall beast on this flimsy little plank of wood with wheels. The dimensions are all wrong.

Ellie's animated and chattering about something and Jake's head is bent, trying to catch her words. Seeing them together like this makes me wonder how I'll feel next year when they're still here, and I'm not. Jake says something I can't quite hear, which makes Ellie laugh. And then without waiting for him, she rides straight off the edge and drops perfectly into the bowl. Jake follows her in and shows her the basics of the trick. Their voices float up towards me in grabs.

‘I'll sit out to give you room,' says Jake, heading up to where I'm sitting. ‘I didn't know she could skate that well,' he says to me.

‘Yeah. She rides a unicycle. She has better balance than me,' I say.

Jake laughs. ‘That wouldn't be hard.'

Once I would have laughed too. Punched him lightly in the arm or dropped his board off the edge so he'd have to go get it, but now I just give him a look. But he doesn't notice. He's too busy watching her.

‘She's amazing, Alex. She can do tricks it took me years to learn,' he says as we watch her skate fast towards the quarter pipe.

‘She's going too fast,' I say, jumping up.

‘Nah, she's right,' he says. ‘She's judged it perfectly.' And she hits the bottom of the pipe, gets airborne, grabs the board as it comes down and lands neatly on the back.

‘El-lie!' yells Jake as he skates towards her, like he's going to swing her around in a circle. ‘You did it!' Then he stops suddenly, right in the middle of the pipe, as if he's just realised she's not his girlfriend. Ellie is skating towards him, but before she can reach him, he turns and skates away. She looks confused and gives me a shrug. I shrug back, even though I know it's because he likes her. I don't want him to feel like that, like he's trapped in the middle of us, like he doesn't know how to be. I have to be better around him. Make him feel included.

‘Impressed?' says Ellie as she skates over to me, taking me away from worrying about Jake.

‘Always.'

She leans up and kisses me on the mouth. I slide my arms around her and pull her close. But after a few seconds I notice Jake behind us, so I stop and move away. He watches us for a moment and then he jumps on his board and skates off to the other part of the park. And I feel so torn.