Ex-Factor (Diamond Girls) (17 page)

Taking care to hold my hand just as Bodie had, I lifted my upturned palm toward Zephyr, giggling when he nibbled up the pieces of carrot. “It tickles,” I said, and quickly swiped my empty palm against the front of my jeans.

Bodie chuckled and fed Zephyr the last bits of carrot in his hand before railroading me with the question I’d been dreading since the moment we’d neared his beautiful animal. “You wanna ride him? He’s a great horse. Real easy to…”

His words trailed off as I took a step back and swung my head side-to-side in a frantic, I-don’t-want-to-do-this-please-don’t-make-me motion. My body stiffened almost instantly, and any ease I’d started to feel fled the minute I pictured myself atop the ginormous animal.

Bodie placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder and gave a squeeze. “Relax, Doll Face. I’m not gonna force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Maybe some other time, yeah?”

I exhaled the breath I’d been holding and smiled in relief. Another time far, far from now sounded fine to me.

He slid his hand from my shoulder down the length of my arm, sending ripples of heat undulating through me as he laced his fingers with mine. “Wanna take a walk instead?”

My shoulders relaxed even more, and I gave him a nod. “Sure. A walk sounds nice.”

We headed out the back of the stables and followed a narrow dirt trail up the rear of the property into the hills.

Despite the overly warm weather, autumn had cast its miraculous spell on the abundant trees, creating a backsplash of orange, yellow, and red against the clear blue sky. The ground crunched beneath my feet, the mixture of dirt, fallen leaves, and scattered tree branches becoming thicker and more abundant as we trekked higher up the hill.

We walked for a bit in silence, my fascination with the beautiful scenery decorating his backyard preoccupying my every thought. I’d never seen so many colors in one place, or breathed air so fresh, so clean. I’d grown up in an ugly, debauched city surrounded by desert on all sides. Nevada wasn’t a state anyone would refer to as “pretty” or “full of nature” by any means. At least not the portion I’d lived in.

When I wasn’t taking in the grandeur of the lush, hilly countryside, I was marveling at the perfection that was Bodie. Thick, corded muscles spanned the length of his arms, shoulders, and back, bunching and flexing with each movement he made, each stride he took. His worn jeans hung perfectly from his hips, accentuating the strength of his legs and his divinely sculpted butt. He was impeccably made—pure male perfection from head to toe.

And he was spending time with me.

“So, uh, how long have you been teaching kids to ride?” I’d wanted to ask him as soon as little Gracie had left the stable area with her mother, impressed with his gentle nature and patience with the adorable little girl. Bodie had a gift, and I was glad to see him putting it to use.

He shrugged his shoulders as we approached a steep incline in the trail. “Not long,” he said, grasping me by the elbow and guiding me up the difficult part of the trail. “And I’m not teaching yet. I’m in training.”

“Training?” I said, a tad surprised. He’d looked like he knew exactly what he was doing.

“To be a PATH instructor, you know, work with kids who have disabilities.”

“Wow,” I said, eyes widening in surprise. “That’s, like, really cool. Is that what you want to do after you graduate? Work on the ranch? Teach kids to ride?”

Bodie’s face grew somber, and he shook his head. “Nah. My plan was always to get a football scholarship. Go to a Pac 12 school and get picked up by the NFL.”

A thin, bushy branch jutted out across the trail, and Bodie, ever the gentlemen, held it up so I could pass through.

“My plans have since changed a bit,” he said, letting the branch snap back into place with a loud rustle.

“Yeah? What do you want to do now?” I asked, urging him to continue. His candor was startling and refreshing at the same time, and I didn’t want him to stop talking.

He pointed to the scar on the side of his head and feigned indifference. “It’s not about what I want to do now. It’s about what I can do. Football’s out. That’s for sure.” He was doing his level best to sound strong, tough, but I could sense the hurt lacing his words, and knew it was probably killing him on the inside, not being able to play the sport he so loved.

“Why does football have to be out? I’m sure there are a ton of athletes out there living with epilepsy.”

He shrugged. “Probably. That’s not what’s keeping me from playing. My seizures are a direct result of a traumatic brain injury from the accident. Doctor says I can’t risk any more head trauma.” He shook his head and frowned. “It’s not like there’s a hell of a lot going on up top, but that’s the skinny. I’m permanently benched per doctor’s orders.”

I drew in a quick breath and tried to keep my expression level, void of pity. From experience, I knew that was the last thing he needed or wanted.

“Well,” I said, hopping over a fallen log. “What else are you passionate about? There’s got to be something else you like to do, or that interests you besides football.”

He shrugged. “I work out. Help the coaches in the weight room. That’s about it. And college? I’ll go, but I don’t really see myself sitting behind a desk after I graduate.”

I pondered his words quietly. Though I barely knew him, I had to admit I couldn’t see him working behind a desk, either. With his athletic build and muscular frame, I pictured him on the cover of a sports magazine, or better yet, on a billboard modeling Calvin Klein underwear. With his chiseled body, he’d make a killing as a model. I shook the thought away, deciding I didn’t like the idea of a million other horny women ogling his goods.

“Hmmm, well, it’s obvious you like to work out and know how to take care of your body.” It was a total understatement, but served to make my point. “Why don’t you look into becoming a trainer? Or a coach?”

He nodded his head quietly, his expression serious as though he were truly giving thought to my words. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about both those things. Maybe.” He glanced back at me and cast me a halfhearted smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “The future just seems so uncertain right now. I can’t seem to think beyond the present. My counselor tells me I should take shit one day at a time, so that’s what I’ve been doing. Getting through school, working the ranch, trying to get by.”

I acknowledged him with a nod, and kept quiet. A strange emotion I couldn’t pinpoint coursed through me after hearing him mention he also saw a counselor. Satisfaction? Thankfulness that I wasn’t alone in having to seek help? I wasn’t sure, and was immediately ashamed for having entertained the fleeting thoughts.

“So, when did you start training to work with horses and kids?”

Seemingly relieved to talk about something other than his future, he perked up a bit and continued sharing with me.

“My family’s owned this ranch for three generations. My sister and I grew up on horseback. Learned how to ride before we learned how to walk. But when school hit and I started playing football, I got busy, and this part of my life, well, it kinda got shoved into a corner. I never had time to ride like I did when I was younger, or help out.” He paused for a minute and shook his head. “That’s not right. I had time. I just didn’t care. Couldn’t be bothered with anything outside of partying and football. And now… now all I have is time, and a shit ton of regret.”

He shook his head and made a “tsk” sound. “I did nothing but think about myself for a long-ass time. I figured it was finally time I started thinking about others. My sister had been in training to be a PATH instructor before she died. She liked helping people.” He sucked in a long, shallow breath and shrugged. “I don’t know, picking up where she left off makes me feel close to her in a way. Like part of her is still around.”

My chest ached for Bodie and his loss, but swelled with admiration at the same time as I listened to him talk about following in his sister’s footsteps, and helping others. His accident had changed his life, stolen his sister from him, and erased his future in football he’d so carefully planned. It had also changed the way he viewed himself and the world. He’d gained a sense of compassion he maybe didn’t have before. The loss he suffered was equal to mine—maybe even more devastating—and he continued on in spite of it, grew as a person, where I wallowed in grief and basically gave up on life as a whole.

Livvie was wrong about Bodie. He wasn’t dangerous, or scary. Quite the opposite, actually. Bodie was strong, resilient, and so much better than me in every way.

“Sorry for the temporary buzz kill there,” he said, a large smile spreading across his mouth as we reached the top of the hill and stepped out onto a clearing. “But, maybe this view will make up for it?”

The view was breathtaking. A sea of green, topped with sky blue as far as the eye could see. From our vantage point you could see a large portion of the valley below. Row upon row of grapevines coated the tan countryside, creating a picturesque painting I never wanted to forget.

“Pretty cool, yeah?” Fingers still laced with mine, Bodie led me to a nearby tree. He sat down with his back against the base of the trunk, and pulled me down so that I was sitting directly in front of him with my back to his chest. He draped an arm across my torso, and settled back with a low sigh.

The view was no less spectacular from this position, and I drank in the beauty of it, wishing I could stay there forever. “It’s amazing,” I whispered. A sense of peace came over me, calm and serenity I hadn’t felt since well before my mother had begun her battle with Alzheimer’s. I let my body relax, eased my head back against Bodie’s chest, and stared up at the sky.

A flock of birds flew overhead, the soft whooshing of their wings echoing off the spattering of trees surrounding us.

Bodie moved his hand from his side and began playing with the ends of my hair, causing me to smile inwardly. I’d been secretly hoping he’d play with my hair again.

“I come up here to think sometimes,” he said, his deep voice cutting through the silence.

“About what?”

He sucked in a deep breath and sighed before resting his chin on the top of my head. “Deep shit. Nothing you want to listen to.”

I turned my head to the side and glanced up at his chin. “You can talk to me, if you want, Bodie. I don’t mind listening, and I won’t tell anyone what you say.”

I both felt and heard him lean his head back against the trunk of the tree. “I don’t know. I guess I think about how I ruined my life. How nothing will ever be the same. And I think about Haley and Jackson. I think about them a lot.”

I ran my hands up and down his forearm and gave it a squeeze, wanting him to open up to me, but not wanting to press him if he didn’t feel like sharing. I knew what it felt like to lose someone important to you. I knew what it felt like to feel responsible for the loss. Talking was difficult, even when you knew it would help. There was no way I was going to ask him to rehash something he most likely relived on a daily basis. And given how the gossip channel at school worked, I assumed he believed I already knew about his past anyway.

“I lost my dad to a drunk driver three months ago.” There. I’d done it. Opened up. Shared another piece of my shattered past with him.

A muffled groan escaped his lips, and I felt his body stiffen beneath mine. He said nothing at first, let my words float out into the open air and dissipate. His chin moved away from its resting place atop my head, as did the hand that held me close. I felt him shake his head, heard him suck in a deep, labored breath as he rammed his fists into the dirt at his sides.

“Fuck, Doll Face. I’m so… God, I’m so sorry.” He groaned then and shifted his body as if he were trying to move away. “How can you stand to be near me?”

I spun around, blown away by his words. I clamped my hands down onto his arms, narrowed my eyes, and met his troubled gaze head on. “What do you mean, how can I stand to be near you?”

He looked away then, off to the side, then finally met my gaze once more. “A drunk driver killed your father. Took away the most important man in your life. That drunk driver could have been me.” He mashed his lips together and stared at the ground for a moment before looking up again, jaw tight, disgust with himself apparent with each breath he took.

“I know you heard about my accident—the stories about my partying. I was a real asshole. And while I wasn’t driving the night of the accident, there were plenty of other nights I did. I could have killed someone.” His words trailed off then, and he looked up at the sky, refusing to look me in the eye. A small tick formed in his jaw and his face became a mask of pain. “I did kill two people, my baby sister and my best friend, by letting them get in a car when they’d been drinking. By letting Jackson drive drunk.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and let his head fall back against the base of the tree. “I go into Haley’s room sometimes when the pain gets to be too much. I can’t remember the sound of her voice anymore, but her room, her things, it all still smells like her, like flowers and cookies.

“And Jackson,” He paused, his cheeks expanding as he blew out a gust of air. “The asshole used to carry a giant set of keys around in his pocket, and the damn things jingled whenever he moved.” He looked off to the side for a minute, the muscles in his neck and jaw straining as he fought to maintain composure. A lone tear trickled down his cheek as he stared off into the distance, stone-faced and grim. “It’s weird. Whenever I fucking hear keys jingling, I look up, expecting to see him. And dammit if my heart doesn’t drop every time he’s not there.”

Bodie’s pain, his shame, hit me like a knife to the gut, and I ached for him. For the loss of his beloved sister and friend. For the physical aftermath he was forced to live with every day. His life had been forever changed by alcohol, just as mine had. I had to let him know he wasn’t alone. That I didn’t judge him, or think any less of him. How could I? I’d made the same mistakes he had, and was paying for them too.

“I was out partying the night my father died.”

That caught his attention, drawing his eyes back to mine right quick. He studied me quietly, face void of emotion.