Ex-Factor (Diamond Girls) (21 page)

I choked down the lump in my throat.
No, dammit.
Cringing on the inside, I bit down on the inside of my lip.
Yes.
If I looked as stupid and immature as I felt, I was in some serious freaking trouble.

Freshly showered and dressed in a black button down and dark jeans, Bodie was the epitome of hotness, and way prettier, in my opinion, than Channing Tatum, who’d been sitting in the number one spot on my Top Five To Die For Celebrities list for ages.

I raised a brow. “Going somewhere special?” If he said he had a date after this, I thought I would hurl—or explode. I wasn’t sure which.

He cast me a sexy smirk and shrugged. “Maybe. It depends.”

“On what?”
Ugh.
What the hell was I doing? I didn’t want to know about his possible date with another girl.

He shook his head. “Not what. Who.” The corner of his mouth turned up, and he leaned forward until he was close enough for me to smell his minty-fresh breath. “I was kinda hoping we could spend some time together, and you know, talk.” He glanced down at my textbook, and then back at me and grinned. “After we finish our assignment, of course.”

“Um…” I shoved my book away from me and turned my body to face him. “I don’t understand. You walked away from me after school yesterday clearly pissed off. I figured you didn’t—”

“Wanna talk to you anymore?” he said, cutting me off. His smile faded, and he stared over his shoulder, avoiding my gaze. “It probably didn’t help that I wasn’t in school today, either.” He treated me to a pointed stare and tapped the side of his head. “Doctor’s appointment. Had to adjust my meds.” He looked down and wrung his hands together. “I effed up, Doll Face. Let my temper get the better of me.” He scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed. His dark eyes locked onto mine, ensnared my full attention, and held me captive. I couldn’t have looked away if I’d wanted to.

“You have every right to be pissed at me, Nev. And I wouldn’t blame you if you decide you don’t want to talk to me once our assignment is done. But, I am sorry, and I was kinda hoping you’d at least give me the chance to explain why I got so upset yesterday.” He stood from his chair and held out his hand while eyeing me with a mixed bag of hope and uncertainty.

Sweet, charbroiled balls of fire.
Of all the things that could have come out of his mouth, that was what I’d least expected.

Silence filled the room, the frantic beating of my heart and the soft tick of the grandfather clock in the adjoining family room the only noise I registered. My gaze wandered from his hand to the completed paper on the table, then back up to his face. The somewhat confident facade he had going a few moments earlier started to fade, a set of deep wrinkles forming between his eyes.

I slid my hand into his just as he was lowering it, stood from my chair, and shrugged. “I finished our paper when I got home from school today. If you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

Bodie’s shoulders visibly relaxed, and relief shone behind his eyes. The corner of his mouth lifted, and he gave my hand a squeeze. “Yeah. I, uh, kinda finished the assignment this afternoon, too. C’mon. Let’s go.”

***

A bird squawked overhead as I slumped down onto the aging black and red plaid blanket Bodie brought for us to sit on. The fabric was soft and worn, and I rubbed the pilly edge between my finger and thumb, wondering who was going to speak first. I stared out into the distance, marveling once again at the beautiful landscape that made up Bodie’s back yard. The sun would set soon, its late afternoon rays casting hues of pink and purple across the few scattered clouds decorating the horizon.

“Eli used to date my sister, Haley.”

I tore my eyes from the scenery and gaped at him, the word “oh” lingering on my lips unspoken.
Well, hell.
That little tidbit of information certainly explained a lot.

Bodie picked up a stray twig and jammed it into the loose dirt off to the side of the blanket. “And Jackson dated Callie.”

If I was speechless after his revelation about Eli and his sister, I was straight up mute after he spilled the deets about Callie and Jackson. My eyes widened, and I stared at him open-mouthed.

Bodie clenched his jaw and spoke through gritted teeth. “Haley and Jackson, they hadn’t been in the ground a week before Callie and Eli hooked up and moved on. From the way they carried on, it was like they’d never been in a relationship with Jackson or Haley.” His voice broke, and the sensitive guy I’d connected with on our first visit to this hill emerged, heart heavy and weary. “It was like they didn’t even care they were dead.”

The pain in his voice was more than I could bear. I closed the small gap between us and wrapped my arms around him. Words were cheap. A dime a dozen. Actions spoke volumes, and I wanted him to know, deep down to the pit of his soul, that I was there for him. That I cared. That he wasn’t alone and that there was someone who understood everything he was feeling. I’d jump into the fire with him. Wade across an ocean of sludge and emotional baggage if it meant helping him through his pain. Even if we were never anything more than friends.

His body reacted to mine almost instantly. The tension in his neck and shoulders released, and he snaked his arms around me and pulled me into his lap. Fingers buried in my hair, he cradled my head against his chest, a low groan rumbling from deep within his ribcage.

“I care about you, Nev. So much. You, like, have no idea.” He pressed his lips to the top of my head, then rubbed my back in long, soothing strokes. “I wanted to tell you how I felt yesterday after school, but then I saw Eli all up in your business, and well…”

My chest felt tight, and it was hard to breathe. “There’s nothing going on between Eli and me, Bodie. Please believe me. I don’t want anything to do with him.” I paused, the familiar flush that preceded crying crawling up my neck and face. I shook my head. “I’m so sorry, Bodie. I should have handled things with Eli better. I should have…”
Told Erin about him. Not kept this whole mess to myself.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Doll Face. I’m the one that owes you an apology. I freaked out when you told me Ass Face had been hitting on you. All those feelings, all the hurt I felt after Haley and Jackson died came flooding back, and I just lost it. I promise you, Nev, I won’t walk away from you again. You have my word.”

A chill ran up the length of my spine despite the warmth of Bodie’s arms.
I promise you, Nev…
My stomach heaved, and my limbs felt weak. There was a very real chance Bodie would eat his words before we left the hill. God, I’d made a horrible mess of things. Sabotaged myself, just like Dr. Frank said. I couldn’t keep doing this to myself. Couldn’t keep hiding things from the people I cared about.

Bodie’s hand slid up my back and came to a rest at the base of my neck. His warm fingers massaged the tight spot between my shoulders, and the sensation, however undeserved, rendered me into a giant bag of boneless flesh. “So, how’s your girl, Erin? She any better today?”

His voice did things to my insides—set my skin on fire and made me ache. And his hands. The way they trailed across my back, stroking and kneading my tender flesh, gliding over the sore spots with gentleness and care. I wanted to melt into the blanket, and I was positive I was drooling.

Forming coherent thoughts while Bodie had his hands on me was difficult, but I somehow managed a breathy sounding “Nuh-uh.”

Oh, God. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t let him hold me and touch me so tenderly when there were still things he didn’t know. Things that would not only hurt him, but Erin too. I moved out of his lap and fiddled with a small hole in the blanket in front of me, avoiding his gaze.

“I’m worried about Erin, Bodie. She blew up at practice last night. Screamed at Callie in front of everyone.”

“No shit,” he said with a chuckle. “I’m sorry as hell I missed that. I’d pay good money to see someone rip into Callie’s skeezy ass.”

As much as I agreed with him about how rich it would be to see Callie get her comeuppance, I couldn’t get past how wrong the entire episode had been. The Erin I’d come to know didn’t lash out in anger during the middle of practice. She’d get mad, talk crap to me, or Claire, or Tayla, but she wouldn’t have a meltdown in front of everyone. The situation with Eli and Callie had knocked her off her axis and sent her spinning in a direction she didn’t normally turn.

She’d showed up at school looking like her classically beautiful and perfectly put together normal self. But I saw through her façade, saw the sadness that lurked in her half smiles and the conversations she forced herself to carry. I also saw the utter heartbreak that crossed her face during Foods when she was forced to work side-by-side with Eli. The jerk wouldn’t even look her in the eye, much less talk to her.

Shame whirled in my gut as I thought about all the text messages Eli had sent me. All the times he’d flirted with me right under her nose. The conversation I’d had with him before the homecoming game. I knew what a two-timing jerk he was, and I’d said nothing. Too scared of losing the first real friend I’d ever made, I’d kept his douchebaggery a secret, and in doing so allowed Erin to get hurt.

I mashed my lips together and dropped my head with a sigh. I was as big a jerk now as I was the night my father died—a selfish, miserable jerk. I didn’t deserve to have Erin or Bodie as friends, and I sure as hell didn’t deserve the heartfelt apology Bodie had given me just a short time ago.

Bodie placed a finger beneath my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. His brows were drawn, his dark eyes filled with worry. He trailed his finger along the side of my face and brushed my hair out of my eyes. “What’s wrong, Doll Face?”

Any semblance of control I had over my emotions fled the building after his tender gesture, and I broke. Hard.

Tears streamed down my face, and my voice shot up about two octaves as I blurted out a pitchy, “It’s my fault! It’s all my fault!”

Bodie leaned forward and tried to pull me to him, but I held up my hand, keeping him at bay. “Please,” I sobbed. “Just let me get this out. I’ve messed up everything, Bodie. I’ve lied. Kept secrets from everyone, and I just can’t. I just…”

Tears clouded my vision but didn’t prevent me from seeing the mixture of shock and disbelief radiating from behind his eyes. I could tell he wanted to hear me out but was afraid of what I might say, and it made me sick to my stomach.

There was no going back, though. I refused to hide things from him anymore. So, I kept going, kept talking. I had to get it all out. I shook my head. “You’re probably going to hate me after I tell you this. God knows, I hate myself, but I have to get it out. I don’t want to keep anything from you anymore. I don’t want to keep anything from anybody. It just messes everything up.”

I paused for a moment and tried to gauge Bodie’s reaction. Part of me expected him to just get up and walk away, to eat the promise he’d made just minutes ago. But he didn’t.
Thank God.
He just sat still and waited; the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed and the tiny ripple the muscles in his neck made when he swallowed were the only movements he made.
Here we go,
I thought. This would be the defining moment in our fledgling relationship. My confession would either solidify what we had, or it would tear us apart.

I’d entered the irritating, gasping stage of crying, my entire body shuddering with each rapid intake of air. “Yesterday after school, after the thing with Eli…”
Oh, God. Was I really doing this?
“I told you Eli had been after me since my first day at school. What I didn’t tell you is that he’s been texting me non-stop.” My words came out in a sob, and I fought to suck air into my lungs. “He’s been flirting with me right beneath Erin’s nose, and telling me that I’m different, a challenge, and that he likes it.”

I looked down at my hands and wrung them together nervously before meeting his gaze once more. “I learned what a jerk Eli was on my first day of school, and I never said anything to Erin. Or anyone else, for that matter. I thought I could handle him. You know, convince him to leave me alone. And I thought I was protecting Erin’s feelings.” I bit down onto my bottom lip and shook my head in shame. “I convinced myself that in keeping Eli’s flirtation a secret, I was keeping her from getting hurt. I was wrong. So wrong.” My last word came out with a hard blast of air and I felt my shoulders slump, the heaviness in my chest a nagging weight I couldn’t stand to bear any longer.

“I was so selfish and scared. Scared of losing the first real friendship I’ve ever had. And now, because of my lies and my stupidity, I’ve hurt her. I’ve ruined everything. With Erin…” I paused, afraid of the reaction I’d get with my next words. “With you.”

I swiped at my tears and sniffled, encouraged by the fact Bodie still sat in front of me, and worried at the same time by the incredulous look he wore. What was he thinking? Was he going to say anything? Did he hate me as much as I hated myself?

He glanced over his shoulder toward the open valley below, the setting sun casting a golden hue over his already tan features. Stone-faced and silent, he ran a hand over his skull-trimmed hair and sucked in a ragged breath. When he faced me again, his features had softened, and his dark eyes were filled with compassion and understanding.

He shook his head, leaned forward so that his eyes were centimeters from mine, and placed a hand at the back of my neck. His fingers crept into the hair at the base of my skull, sending shockwaves of pleasure rocketing down my spine. A sliver of hope welled in my gut. “You haven’t ruined anything with me, Doll Face.” He pressed his forehead to mine and palmed the left side of my neck with his free hand. “Do I wish you’d told me all of this before now? Yeah. But not for the reasons you think.”

He pulled away infinitesimally, pegging me with a warm stare. “I know we’ve only been around each other a few weeks. But in that small time, I feel like I’ve grown to really
know
you. Especially with everything we’ve shared about our pasts.”