Existence (22 page)

“No, but then she isn’t the worst one here.” Leif still appeared horrified. I smiled.

“They’re very entertaining once you realize they’re harmless. I feel so bad for them, Leif.” I shook my head.

“Anyway, tell me about school and Miranda and you. How is everyone?”

Leif’s face eased into a relieved smile. “You seem better already.” He touched the side of my head gently. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“I miss you too. Thanks for coming today. I needed to talk to someone from the outside world. Tell me, how is everyone?”

He gave me a sad smile. “We’re worried about you. We 158

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miss you and we talk about you all the time. Absolutely nothing else is going on.” I wanted to tell him I thought about them all the time, too, but the truth was I thought about Dank. I’d heard him last night. He’d been there, in my dreams.

“Did you bring my schoolwork?” I asked, glancing at the bag in his hands.

“Oh, yes, here you go. Can you actually do it here?” He glanced over at the two girls who’d recently walked in and started playing Monopoly. Apparently, they were having a disagreement and had proceeded to shove play money down each other’s shirts while yelling. Nurse Karen rushed over and started breaking the argument up. I heard her tell them how much alone time they’d lost.

“Why does she keep threatening everyone with time? Is that like how long you get time out or something?” I laughed and shook my head. “No, it’s actually the opposite. We only get one hour a day to stay in our rooms alone. It’s a punishment to get your time deducted. Time alone in your room to escape is coveted.” Leif let out a ragged sigh and shook his head. “You don’t belong here, Pagan,” he said, staring back at me with a frown.

I shrugged. “Just because I don’t throw fits, curse at nurses, and deal with voices in my head doesn’t mean I’m not dealing with my own stuff.” He didn’t nod in agreement.

His hand squeezed mine.

“I love you. I’m not going anywhere,” he said in a hoarse whisper. Tears sprang to my eyes and I gave him a watery smile.

“I know.” I wanted to say more but I knew I couldn’t.

“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo,” Gee called from the hallway as she walked toward the stairs with her arms full of towels.

I laughed out loud. “She’s harmless,” I assured Leif, and then thought about it a moment. “Okay, maybe not harmless.

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But she doesn’t mean any harm right now.” Leif’s look of horror returned.

“Do you lock your door at night?” he asked, glancing around as if afraid one of them would hear him and come after him.

I grinned and nodded. “But only because there’s a lot of screaming and running at night. Night terrors and the like.” He shook his head and gazed back down at me. “Please, hurry and get better and come home. This is not where you belong.”

“I know.”

* * * *

The muffled screams began right after lights out was announced. I covered my head and blocked out the sound. I had waited all day to return to this bed and fall into a deep sleep where I could hopefully hear his music. I thought of the times he had sung to me and the times he’d held me and kissed me. My eyes drifted closed and the music began. I fought, wanting to open my eyes and find him in my room.

He was there. I could feel him. His guitar played my lullaby and I tried desperately to open my eyes. It was as if a dark blanket was over me, and I couldn’t remove. Instead of being panicked, it warmed me. The comfort of knowing Dank was with me would be enough for now. His voice joined the strumming of his guitar. He knew I was here and he’d come to me. I wasn’t alone. The muffled sounds of screams and slamming doors ceased and all I heard was the music that helped fill the hole inside of me. I wanted to turn around and face the source of the music and throw myself into his arms.

I drifted off to sleep, unable to fight the drowsiness any longer.

* * * *

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“Aren’t you just little Miss Popularity?” Gee was sauntering down the hall toward my room when I stepped out into the hall after a thirty minute nap. If it wasn’t for my nights when the music came and Dank was with me, I would lose my mind from the monotony of this place. “I have a visitor?” I asked as Gee turned into her bedroom.

“Yep,” she said and slammed the door behind her. There was no way Gee had any alone time left today. I’d personally heard Nurse Karen take away two days’ worth since breakfast. Someone would be up searching for her in a few minutes.

I headed down the steps, anxious to see who’d come to see me. The moment my eyes found Miranda standing at the front door with her arms crossed over her chest defensively I broke into a run.

“Did Gee come tell you that you had a visitor?” Nurse Karen asked, frowning and glancing behind me. I nodded, not wanting to be the one to rat Gee out for going to her room. “Where is she?” Nurse Karen asked.

I raised my eyebrows and shrugged. “I thought she came back down here.” Nurse Karen stared down the hallway, frowning as if she thought she had missed Gee’s return. She nodded and went back to typing on the computer.

Miranda threw her arms around me as soon as I reached her. It felt so good to see her. “Please leave with me,” she whispered in my ear.

I chuckled. “I can’t.”

“I’ll help you break out. Girl, these people are crazy, you need to get out.” I bit back a laugh. “The Gee girl is a nut case and she did not come back down those stairs. I was watching her. If she didn’t come back down with you promptly I was coming up to avenge you.” I laughed out loud this time.

“Come on over here and we can talk.” I took her hand and led her back to where I had sat with Leif two days ago.

Miranda glanced back at the stairs. “She still hasn’t come back down. Maybe you need to tell the nurse,” Miranda 161

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hissed from behind me. I sat down in a chair and pointed at the one beside me.

“No, I’m not telling Karen anything. Gee isn’t bad. She really likes to leave an impression. It’s more about attention with her. And I don’t want to be the one to rat her out. She likes me and I’d like to keep it that way. I’ve seen what she does to the people she doesn’t like.” Miranda’s brown eyes grew big and round. I smiled reassuringly. “Things a school bully would do, not an axe murderer, calm down.” Miranda seemed to relax a little and crossed her legs in front of her then leaned forward to stare at me closely. “So, they are being okay to you here? The crazies like you and no one is mistreating you? Because if they are I’m going to take them down. There isn’t a mental around here gonna mess with my girl. I got your back.” Her fierce expression warmed me.

I smiled. “Everyone is great, but thanks for the support.” She peered over her shoulder at Nurse Karen, “I hope the other nurses pay more attention to the mental cases than that one does. Do you know she’s playing around on Twitter?”

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Chapter Seventeen

“Pagan.” Doctor Janice walked into the Great Room where I sat playing Monopoly with Gee, who cheats, and Roberta, who keeps glaring at Gee for cheating.

“Yes, Ma’am?” I asked. She smiled at the girls with me and held up a clipboard in her hands.

“It’s time for your assessment. Please come with me.” I stood up from my Indian- style position on the floor.

“Ah, shit, I was so enjoying you, Peggy Ann, and here you’re gonna be told you’re not mental and sent home.” Gee flicked her pierced tongue at me and winked. She’d taken to calling me Peggy Ann the last few days. It was slightly annoying but it wasn’t worth making it an issue. I forced a smile and followed the doctor. I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

Dank came to me at night and I feared once I was home he would leave me again. My chest ached, reminding me it was still empty. Doctor Janice opened the door to her office and held it for me to enter.

“You will have to ignore the mess on my desk. I’ve been going through charts this week and it always gets a little out of hand in here.” She smiled at me apologetically and walked around to stand behind her desk. “Please have a seat,” she said, motioning to the overstuffed black leather chairs beside me. I sank down onto one as Doctor Janice took the clipboard in her hands. She slipped the pair of glasses hanging from her neck on a pearl chain onto the bridge of her large nose.

“It appears, Pagan, that you’re the most mentally healthy patient we’ve had in a very long time. You’re compassionate and make friends with even some of our harder cases, which only strengthens the diagnosis that you are not mentally ill.

Befriending someone like Georgia Vain isn’t easy, and Jess is her only friend because she happens to suffer from fear of Georgia and self-preservation. The evaluations from the nurses all say you’re kind and understanding. You react the 163

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way one does who understands you’re surrounded by those with mental sicknesses and you’re patient with them. That not only makes you a very pleasant patient but also a very stable person.” Doctor Janice sat the clipboard down on her desk and slipped the glasses off and carefully dropped them back on her chest. “The basic fact is: you don’t belong here.” I nodded, knowing there was no point in arguing with the doctor that I was a mental case and needed to stay. Doctor Janice glanced back down at the chart in front of her. “I carefully looked over the recommendation sent when you were prescribed a stay here to help you learn to deal with the trauma you suffered. I don’t normally disagree so strongly with other doctors’ observations but this time you were grossly misdiagnosed. Now, the question that fascinates me is why, Pagan Moore, did you get so withdrawn in yourself that your mother sought medical attention for you?” I swallowed the fear building inside of me at the thought that I would be sent home today and tonight I wouldn’t have Dank. I needed a reason to stay. I stared back at Doctor Janice and wondered if I could be honest with her and if the truth would keep me here. If I told her I saw dead people, would she change her mind? I started to speak and an image of my mom’s tear-filled eyes when she’d come to visit yesterday came back to me. She missed me and was worried about me. I was hurting her, or rather the sickness she thought I had was hurting her. If I admitted to seeing souls they would indeed label me crazy. I would be diagnosed with a whole new problem and my mother would be consumed with worry. I would just try to get one more night. One more chance to hear Dank and this time I’d fight the heavy sleep that always kept me from seeing him. I would find a way to speak to him.

“The car accident bothered me and I did withdraw into myself because I didn’t like thinking about what I’d witnessed. I agreed to come here to make my mom feel better. I was scaring her with the way I’d become reclusive.

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My stay here has been eye opening and I will always cherish it. The girls here are just like me but they have mental sicknesses that make living a normal life difficult. They’re still people. They still have feelings and want to be accepted.

I’ve enjoyed getting to know all of them. You’re right, I don’t have the mental sicknesses the other patients do, but being around them has helped me learn to accept what I witnessed.”

Doctor Janice smiled. “Well, that continues to confirm my diagnosis. You’re completely mentally sane and very mature for your age. Would you like to call your mother and tell her you’re free to go home?” This was my moment to ask for one more night. I needed to say goodbye. I needed to open my eyes tonight and see him. I couldn’t leave until I’d seen him.

“Doctor Janice, would it be a problem if I stayed tonight and left first thing in the morning? I would like to have dinner with my new friends and properly say farewell to everyone.”

Doctor Janice gave me a slow, pleased smiled and nodded. “I think that would be perfect.” I glanced at the phone on her desk. “Can I go ahead and call my mom, then, and let her know I’ll be free to go in the morning?” I thought of how the news I could come home in the morning was going to bring back a smile to her face.

Knowing she would be relieved eased the ache some, but not enough.

* * * *

I carried my tray of food over to sit across from Gee and Jess. Gee tilted her head from side to side like she so often did when she was thinking about something, and flicked her tongue ring against her teeth several times.

“You’re leaving, aren’t you, Peggy Ann?” I smiled at her and nodded. She sighed dramatically. “Figures they’d send 165

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you home since you have no mental cracks. I mean, you don’t even scream at night. Then, of course, he sings to you. Kind of impresses me really. He’d scare the shit out of me if he came in my room. You may not be a screw ball but the fact you’re not scared of him makes you someone I don’t want to piss off.”

I froze, listening to her words. She knew Dank came to me at night and sang to me. How did she know? Did she see him? Did she see souls? Was that my problem? Was I Schizo? She cackled her mad laughter and winked at me.

“You’re thinking you might just be whack after all, aren’t you, Peggy Ann? You wish you were this fucked up. No dice though, girlie. No fuckin’ dice,” she whispered leaning toward me so the nurses wouldn’t hear her cursing and take away anymore of her privileges.