Existence (25 page)

Existence

and the darkness consumed me.

* * * *

The smell of coffee and bacon filled my senses as I inhaled a breath so blissfully sweet it woke me with a start. I sat up and glanced around my bedroom. I was in my bed. I swallowed and my throat constricted in pain. I touched my chest and felt tenderness, as if I’d been punched right over where my lungs rested inside me. It had all been real. Dazed, I stood up and walked over to the window to gaze out into the forest behind my house. Would it show proof of the hurricane-force winds that had swept through last night, fighting to take Dank? The trees stood just as they had when I’d walked into them last night. The leaves blew gently in the breeze. This was wrong. I’d given myself up for Death. Gee could have taken me. I had seen it in her eyes. Had Dank still possessed the power to stop it even with Hell pulling him away? I was alive and I was here in my house, breathing, when I’d asked to leave this body behind and cease my life on earth.

“No,” I whispered against the windowpane as tears trickled down my face. “I wanted to die. This existence you have given me is worth nothing with you gone. I can’t live with the fact you’re no longer…” A sob wracked my body and my legs gave way beneath me as I crumpled to the floor. I curled my body into a ball in an attempt to deal with the pain ripping through my chest. This wasn’t an existence I could live with. I’d been so sure that Gee had known a way to save him.

This, this life where Dank was condemned to Hell and I was allowed to continue on as if nothing had happened, would be my own personal Hell.

“Tell me, Peggy Ann, are you always this dramatic?” I jerked at the sound of Gee’s voice and lifted my swollen eyes to find her sitting on the edge of my bed. Her long, thin legs 182

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were crossed and she was studying me with the tilting of her head. “You’re a rather unique human,” she said with a smile.

Anger began rising inside me and I stood up and glared at her. She’d lied to me. She had made me think I could stop Dank’s fate.

“Woah, Peggy Ann, take the psycho look off your pretty face and breathe deeply.” She paused and smirked. “Now that you can breathe, that is.” I hated the smirk and the flippancy of her attitude after what had happened to Dank.

“You lied to me,” I hissed as I closed the distance between us.

Gee shook her head slowly. “No, I didn’t. Honestly, Pagan, stop with the advancing on me thing. It isn’t like you can hurt me. Quench the drama, sweetheart. I know you love him. Shit, I figure you have more intense feelings toward him than the measly love you humans so easily give. I mean, most humans wouldn’t throw their souls blindly away into an eternity they didn’t understand for the sake of saving Death.

It was rare indeed.”

“You could have tried harder to take me. He was being pulled away by a force stronger than him. You could have killed me! I walked right up to you and offered myself like a sacrifice.” I covered my mouth as a sob escaped and the steps of my mother echoed in the hallway. I froze, not sure what to do. My insides felt as if they had been ripped out of me. I didn’t have the strength anymore to cover up the pain I was feeling.

The bedroom door opened and Mom peered at my bed and smiled and then closed the door softly. I stood frozen and confused as to what I’d just witnessed. I swung my gaze back to Gee, who was still sitting on the edge of my bed.

Mom hadn’t been looking at her. Gee turned slightly and patted something with her hand smiling at me. My eyes moved from her to the place I’d vacated after waking up this morning and for the first time, I realized I was still in bed. I took a step closer and peered down at what appeared to be 183

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my sleeping body.

“I think an ‘I’m sorry’ would suffice at the moment. You know, for yelling at me and the awful hissing thing you did.

Kinda reminded me of the ones down there and, well, they freak me out.” I tore my eyes off my body and stared back at Gee who appeared utterly pleased. “I’m waiting on my apology. Speak, Peggy Ann, you know you can.” She puckered her lips and tilted her head from side to side.

“I’m dead?” I asked glancing back at my body. “I mean my body is dead?”

Gee gave a loud sigh. “Yeeeeeees, now let’s hear it: ‘I am sorry, Gee, for talking to you so ugly when you did what I asked you to.’ Come on, you can say it.” I shook my head and studied my body before walking over to the mirror. I looked the same in most ways except all my imperfections where gone. I was a perfect version of me.

“What? Why am I here? Does my mother not realize I’m dead? Where is Dank? Did they let him go? Are you going to transport me? Or am I a wandering soul? Where is Dank?” I felt hope for the first time since I’d woken up. I gazed back into the mirror and touched my face. My cheeks were soft and smooth where tears should have left them wet and tender.

Gee grinned. “It takes some getting use to, the whole being in a body for seventeen years and now you don’t have one. You forget and you think things are certain ways and they are not. Like the fact you were sobbing so intensely there on the floor with all your dramatic flair and you knew that your body produced tears so you felt them because you thought they would be there.” Gee shrugged and stood up.

“Where are you going? Are you taking me? Where is Dank?” I asked again and she held up her hands as if in defense.

“Okay, first of all, I didn’t get my apology and you still think you can start just demanding answers.”

“I’m sorry! Now where is Dank?”

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Gee frowned. “That didn’t sound like you meant it.” I closed my eyes and realized that even with them closed I could still see. Weird. “Your eyes aren’t closing, Peggy Ann, you just think they are. I explained the way that works already so stop it. You look like you are doing the creepy stare thing souls do.

“Please, I’m sorry. Just tell me where Dank is,” I pleaded.

Gee smiled. “Okay, okay fine. The truth is I don’t exactly know.” She shrugged and walked past me.

“What do you mean?”

She turned back around and smiled at me. “It all is confusing. You let me kill your body but of course lover man wasn’t going to take your soul from your body. However, I knew, as did he, that if your soul was truly willing it could leave the body on its own. So, I left the swirling hurricane last night and brought your dead body back here. I knew when your soul came back around from the trauma of killing off your body that it would be the time of reckoning. I waited to see and, sure enough…” she paused and smirked.

“Honestly, I never doubted it. I could see your fierceness to save him. I knew it was your soul that was talking and I expected your soul to leave your body. It, of course, did and I should have immediately been able to take you and head on up.” She gnawed on her bottom lip and shrugged.

“What?” I asked with relief running through me at the thought that Dank was still Death and he was not burning in Hell.

“Ah, well I’m not real sure. I mean I like you and all but I’ve got a busy schedule and you have taken up quite a good deal of my time these past few weeks. Well, at least since Dank expelled Ky and I got stuck with the job of making sure Mr. Stubborn released your soul. Anyway, see the thing is I didn’t hang around and postpone our departure so I could chat with you and you could ask me a million questions. I, uh, well, your soul isn’t coming. It won’t leave or there is a force holding it.” She sighed and frowned at me.

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“I don’t know what’s going on here. You’re a first on all accounts. Maybe Death does have to take your soul after all. I have no idea. My guess is that you had better go get back into that body of yours and live this life. I’m afraid Death hasn’t been given a reprieve for his rebellion. If you don’t go back to your body then you’re going to spend eternity as a wandering soul. I don’t have to tell you what a wandering soul is because we both know you already know. You see them all the time. Do you want to have their miserable existence?

Look, don’t let him have been given eternal damnation for nothing.” She walked over to where my body lay, lifeless. “If he has to burn in Hell for all eternity don’t let him have to do it knowing you’re a lost soul. He’ll know. They will make sure he knows. It’s all about the pain and torture down there.

What a little heat can’t do to him the knowledge that you gave up the promised eternity he fought so hard for you to keep is going to cause him pain like you will never comprehend.” She stared down at my body. “It’s your choice.

Get back in and live. Do it for him.” Then she was gone.

I stood over my body looking at it as hot tears ran down my face again although now I knew I only felt the memory of tears. I was a soul. I couldn’t cry. I touched my face and my body felt cold. The thought of returning to this body and existing while Dank no longer roamed the Earth because of me was unbearable. “You’re my reason for my existence, Dank. How can I live without you?” I whispered into the room and knew no matter what pain life would hold for me I couldn’t cause him any more pain. I would endure life so he wouldn’t have the guilt of my lost soul to torment him. He’d given up everything for me. I could sacrifice an eternity of sorrow, if that’s what it took to ease his suffering. I slipped back into bed and felt a warm tingling sensation run through me as I rejoined the body I’d left. My eyes opened and a sob escaped from my lips.

“Pagan, honey? You ever going to get up and come eat?” Mom was standing at my doorway smiling at me, completely 186

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unaware that her last visit into my room she’d seen an empty body.

“Yes, um, sorry. I guess being in my bed again caused me to oversleep.” She walked over to me and sat down beside me.

“It felt good to have you home last night. You can miss school today if you need a day to get adjusted.” I thought of staying home in my room and knew it would be too hard. I needed to get out and talk to people. I needed to see life and find a way to survive it. I wouldn’t be the cause of Dank’s pain. I’d live, for him.

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Mom had sent Leif on to school without me and explained I would be coming in late. Leif was one thing I had to deal with. If I had to live this existence, I couldn’t continue to use him. I would never love him the way he deserved. He was my friend and a source of comfort. Allowing myself to remain his girlfriend not only was wrong for Leif, it was a betrayal because I would never belong to anyone but Dank. I couldn’t live that way. Living wasn’t going to be easy for me.

I needed to cut all the strings that tore at my already damaged soul.

By the time I checked in to school I’d missed English Literature. The halls were filling up with students. I held my books close to my chest and clenched the pink late slip in my hand. I could do this. I chanted the reminder over and over in my head. Miranda came out of the crowd of people, beaming when she saw me.

“PAGAN! Hurray, you came! I’ve missed you like crazy bad. Now lunch won’t be so boring and, Oh my G! Guess what?” I struggled to keep up with her rush of words so it took me a moment to realize she wanted me to react to her

“guess what.”

“Oh, um, what?” I couldn’t even force a smile.

She beamed at me and glanced around to see if anyone was listening to her before looking back at me. “Dank Walker is here. Like, at our school. Like, as in, enrolled at our school.

Can you believe it? I mean, I know he went to a high school in Mobile, Alabama up until last year when his band landed a hit song and started playing all over the United States instead of just the Southeast. GAH! Can you believe he is here! At our school? I guess if he had to go back to high school our little quaint coastal town is preferable to somewhere in Alabama. But still, I can’t believe this.” I stood frozen as her words registered in my brain. Dank was here? How? The rocker she spoke of no longer existed.

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Panic laced with disbelief tightened my chest and I had to take a deep breath.

“Where?” I managed to ask, knowing I couldn’t mask the desperate expression on my face. Miranda grinned and nodded toward Leif.

“Better get that star struck look off your face. Here comes your man.”

I barely glanced at him and reached for her hand. “Tell me where he is. Please, now.” Her eyes grew wide at my sudden breathless demand. She was going to think I was flipping my lid again.

“Uh, um, well around here somewhere,” she said in a concerned tone and glanced over at Leif, forcing a smile that didn’t meet her worried eyes.

“Did you know Pagan was a big Cold Soul fan?” Leif glanced at me but I didn’t have time to deal with him at the moment. I needed to find Dank.

“I have to go. I’ll see you later,” I said by way of explanation as I headed through the crowd at a run. I fought the urge to call his name aloud.

“You’re going to get put back in that mental place if you
don’t calm down.”
Dank’s smooth voice spoke teasingly in my ear and I spun around. He was, of course, not whispering in my ear or anywhere near me.