Faded (Rock Star Trilogy) (9 page)

I shake my head. “See, I’m not even learning anything.”

This is not at all what I pictured in my head. The harder I strive to have a normal life, the faster the spotlight chases m
e…
first with the documentary, and now the new album. Well, the new album is not a “definite” deal. If Barry hates it, then it’s obviously a no-go.

“Damn,” Dwayne comments, shaking his head. “I wish my teachers
in high school would have been that chill with me.”

“Stephan, you ready to race?” Another boy calls to him.

“Yeah,” he turns to me. “Want to ride?”

“Definitely.”

11
:02 PM

Frequently right.

My favorite thing about Stephan, besides his extremely sexy green eyes and his panty-melting smile, is his passion and dedication. Whenever Stephan loves something, he gives himself to it 100% no matter what the consequences.

He loves racing, and at first I thought it was stupid. He’s gambling, not only with money, but his life too. All it would take is one wrong move while driving, or leaving the races one second later and getting caught by a cop. But
I get it now
. Life is about taking chances. It’s about taking risks, no matter what the stakes. When I die I want to be able to say that I lived life to the fullest. I want to have no regrets. Because if you play it safe your whole life, are you really
living
?

I love how in these two months, Stephan has completely changed me and my way of thinking. I feel like I am not the same girl I was, and I do take more chances. I finally stood up to my mom and dad. I faced my fear of letting people in, and I came back to Hope. I didn’t take the
easy way out
, and I’m glad I didn’t.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Stephan asks me as we drive home.

“I’m just hoping that Barry likes my music,” I tell him. “And what if he
does
like it? And then I release it, and everybody else hates it?”

“If they hate it, then they’re stupid, because you’re amazing. Don’t ever doubt yourself, Scar.”
Stephan’s smile is reassuring. “And if you do fail, then I guess you finally get your shot at a
normal life
. It’s really not so bad either way, right?”

I nod. “You are right.”

“I frequently am.”

Tuesday, October 28

6:56
AM

My life is officially pathetic.

On
Tuesday morning when I wake up I feel excited. Today is my “normal day”. (Aside from the fact that there are cameras following me around everywhere I go). There aren’t going to be any trips to the studio for the next 24 hours, and I can actually go to school the whole day.

Wow. I’m excited about going to school.
My life is officially pathetic
.

The weather in Florida has
finally started getting cooler, but it’s still warm, especially considering it’ll be November soon. But it is officially hoodie weather, which happens to be my favorite time of the year.

When I walk downstairs Alec, Bridgett, Stephan, and Ethan are all sitting at my kitchen table.
I grab a cup of coffee and join them. All four of them look up at me as I sit down, so I know something is up. Peter has a camera right on my face as well.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Alec clears his throat. “It’s your parent
s…
”

“What about them?”

“They’re getting divorced,” Alec answers.

I think for a few seconds before responding. I knew this day was coming for a while, but it still hurts to hear it. The little kid in me was hoping they would somehow work it out, and somehow we would all be a family again.

“Oh,” I finally say. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say, think, or feel. But I know what I am feeling — hurt, angry, and partly relieved. I also feel guilty for feeling relieved. I shouldn’t feel that way about my parents getting divorced. Now, more than anything, I want to talk to Stacy. So I excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and I call her.

“Hey, Scar,” she answers.

“Hey. I was wondering if you’re busy today after school. I’d really like to come see you and Anna if it’s alright with you.”

“Yeah, that would be great.” We are both silent for a second, but then Stacy continues. “I saw on the new
s…
about mom and da
d…
”

I feel a tear
slip down my face. “I knew it was coming, but it still hurts.”

“I know. Me too,” she agrees. “Bridgett told me about your documentary and your new album. That’s so exciting.”

“Oh yeah, about tha
t…
Do you mind if I bring cameras? It’s really hard to shake these guys, and they are going to want you and Anna involved in this, since you are my sister and she’s my niece.” I hate asking.

She sighs. “I knew you were going to ask me that. And I know that being in your life means doing stuff like this. Can you just let me think about it today, and after school I will call you? I want to see you more than anything, but I have to think about Anna.”

“I understand. I should probably go now. I hope I get to see you tonight.”

“
Me too. I love you,” she tells me.

I can’t help but smile. “I love you too.”

I hit the end button and take a deep breath. The heavy feeling on my chest already feels lighter. Talking to Stacy was exactly what I needed. Now I just hope I get to see her tonight.

I walk out of the bathroom and back to the table. Everybody is still staring at me. Maybe they’re waiting for me to break. Or cry. But I don’t. Instead, I turn to Ethan and Stephan.

“We should probably get to school if we don’t want to be late.”

11:06 AM

Just a little.

Since talking to Stacy earlier, I’ve be
en in a surprisingly good mood. She was exactly the person I needed to talk to about our parents’ divorce. Now I just hope that she lets me come over later to see her and Anna.

Th
e cameras are bugging me less now, though maybe I am just getting used to them. Earlier this morning, my director, Peter, got in trouble for talking too loud in my history class. He’s usually the one yelling at me, so it was kind of awesome watching the teacher scold him.

Missing
school has really put me behind. I don’t understand a lot of what’s going on in class. I’m going to need Ethan to catch me up, especially math. The only problem with that is I don’t have
any
extra time to study. It feels like I have to choose between my career and an education, and I hate that. I want both.

In cla
ss, I go up to all my teachers just to make sure I don’t have any homework — they confirm that I don’t. I should be relieved, because I don’t know
how
I would find time to do the work anyway, but I’m not. I came back to school to learn, and I am not learning
anything
. I came to Hope for a
normal life
, but that obviously isn’t going to happen.

But I can’t complain. This is everything I wanted (aside from the documentary). I wanted to have Stacy back in my
life;I wanted family and friend
s…
I wanted people to treat me like a person, rather than a rock star. I wanted my dad to stop controlling my life. I wanted to play
my music
,
my way
. And that is exactly what is happenin
g…
It just isn’t happening in the way that I expected it to.

As I sit in study hall, Stephan is playing with my hair. It’
s kind of distracting. I’ve read the same page at least three times, and I still have no idea what it says. I really don’t mind though. Stephan is a good distraction.

Stephan is the one who makes me feel normal. Bridgett and Alec are both all about my career right now,
and while I know they mean well sometimes I just need to clear my head. I love that Stephan is constant, and no matter what I need, he’s there. I hope that I can one day return the favor.

I turn around in my desk and face him. “You’re kind of awesome,” I whisper.

He grins mischievously. “Just kind of?”

I hold my index finger and thumb an inch apart. “Just a little.”

“Well, I think you’re
a lot
awesome.”

I can’t help but smile.

“You have a great smile,” he comments.

“
I’m glad you think so, because
you always make me smile
,” I tell him.

“Hey, Scar, I was wondering, why did you move to Hope?”
he asks hesitantly. “You’ve never really told me before.”

It should be easy
to answer this question. I’ve told Stephanmore about myself than I’ve ever told anybody else, and I know he would never judge m
e…
He wouldn’t think my reason was stupid. I take a deep breath and tell him.

“I came here because of the name
— Hope. I felt like I had
none
when I first moved here,” I answer truthfully. “Now I know,
Hope
was waiting on me all along.”

“I’m really glad you came here. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”

“I couldn’t imagine my life without you either, Stephan.”

“Good,” he says, smiling at me with a crooked
grin. “I worry sometimes. I know it’s stupid, but you left once. What if you do again?”

I feel guilty at his words.
I wish I could go back in time, and not run away. “I’m sorry that I made you doubt me. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life, but I’ve always been through it alone. I am not used to depending on other people. This is all new to me. I’m sorry that I ran, but I promise I will never do it again.”

“I know
that you’ve been through a lot, and I hate that I wasn’t there for you before. I wish I could have been.” He leans forward in his desk. “I promise you, Scarlett, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I will
always
be here for you.”

I am totally and completely
in love Stephan Montgomery. I didn’t think it was possible to love somebody as much as I love him. His words bring me peace.

“
Always is a long time
,” I say once I regain my composure.

“Not long enough.”

At this moment, I wish we were
NOT
in class. I want nothing more than to jump on Stephan and attack him with kisses. “You’re perfect.”

“I’m not perfect.”

Did I really just say that out loud? “You are to me.”

“Well, you’re pretty damn close yourself.”

“Close?” I try acting offended, even though I’m really trying not to giggle like a twelve year old.

“Nobody is perfect, Scar, but you’re the closest I’ve ever found.”

“What do you like about me?” Yeah, so maybe I just fished for a compliment, but I’m a girl! I can’t help it.

He shakes his head at me and smiles. “I am positive you know exactly what I like the most about you, but I will tell you anyway. I would tell you every single day if you wanted me to.”

Everyday would be nice
.

“Let’s start with the outside. You’re fucking sexy. Your long blonde hair, your big blue eyes, your smile, even your teeth are perfect. How is so much beauty allowed in one girl? And your bod
y…
” He checks me out and isn’t bashful about it. “I love your height. You’re so small, but you fit perfectly in my arms. Your ass is nice too. Seriously, how can somebody so skinny have such a curvy body? Your boobs are absolutely perfect, and I can’t wait to get you naked so I can see them up close and personal.”

I bite my lip to keep from smiling. My face feels warms, and I’m pretty sure the temperature just went up at least
twenty degrees in here.

“You are equally as beautiful on the insid
e…
You have so much love to give. You looked for Stacy for ten years, never giving up hope. That’s amazing.  And when you found Bridgett, you just took her right in and loved her like you knew her your whole life. Even the way you are with Ethan, what you did for him with Mona was amazing. I feel fortunate to even be a part of your life.” He shakes his head slightly. “You said you didn’t have Hope before coming here, but you’re wrong. You wouldn’t have come here if you didn’t. You saw where your life was heading, and you didn’t like it, so you did something to change it. That means that you don’t
just
think with your heart, but you also think with your head. You’re smart.”

I have to laugh at that. “I would be failing school if the teachers didn’t let me slide by, Stephan. I’m
not
smart.”

“Just because you don’t do well in school doesn’t mean you’re stupid. And if you were actually here
half of the time, you
would
do well,” he counters. “Nobody can do well just showing up to school once a week.”

“I was wondering somethin
g…
” I say hesitantly.

“What’s that?”

“I know that you said you wouldn’t say it until you’re married, bu
t…
Do you ever see yourself falling in love with me?” I literally hold my breath as I wait for his response.

Stephan looks surprised at my question, and he thinks for a few seconds before he replies. “Do you really want me to answer that question in study hall?”

I bite my lip. “Maybe.” Okay, definitely, but I don’t want to sound too eager.

He laughs silently and shakes his head at me. “
I will tell you this. You, and only you, have my whole heart. Forever. Take it however you want it, but I am not going anywhere.”

I like the sound of
forever
coming out of Stephan’s lips. Maybe forever seems unrealistic for a nineteen year old girl, but I have no doubt that he
is
my forever.

“Every
day I spend with you makes me wish for a million more,” he continues. “I know that you are the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I hope that doesn’t scare you away, but it’s how I feel.”

I suddenly feel like cr
ying. “It doesn’t scare me away.”

Stephan
looks relieved by my words. “Good, because I seriously couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. You complete me.”

As if my heart wasn’t beating fast enough already, it kicked into overdrive at his words
. How can one guy be so
perfect
?

12:03 PM

Pass the salt.

I don’t understand high school. Why is it socially acceptable to put so many teenagers in one place? Wouldn’t it be
safer to keep us all separated? And as if school isn’t bad enough, there is lunch, where they put five hundred of us in one room, and expect us not to kill each other. I think they’re asking too much.

Stephan and
I take a seat at our usual table, and Peter shakes his head at us.