Fading (56 page)

When I get home, I decide to start taking more control, like Dr. Christman suggested. I can't keep avoiding situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable. I know I can't keep hiding from my emotions because I'm too scared to deal with them.

I take out my phone, scroll down to Roxy's name, and tap her number. After several rings, she answers.

"Candace, hey."

"Hey Rox, do you have a minute to talk?"

"Hun, I always have time for you. How are you?"

"I'm doing better, actually. I wanted to call and apologize for my behavior and walking out on you. I've been going through some stuff, and I was out of line."

"I've been worried about you. We used to always talk, but I feel like you've somehow gotten lost this year, and I wish I knew how to be a friend to you."

"You are a friend. And I love you. It's been a rough year, but I think I'm getting on the right track. It feels that way, at least."

"That's good to hear."

"But, I was calling because I wanted to know if you've filled my position yet."

"Your position will never be filled."

"So, I can come back?"

"Always, hun."

"Thanks, Rox. Can you get me on the schedule for next week?"

"Of course. Stop by in a couple days, and I'll have the schedule out."

"Great."

"And Candace..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm glad you called me. You know you can always call, anytime."

"I do know. Thanks again. I'll stop by later this week."

"Sounds good."

"Okay, bye."

"So, tell me how things have been going?" Dr. Christman asks as she pulls out her notepad.

"I called my boss and got my job back. She put me on the schedule for next week."

"What made you decide to do that?"

"You suggested that I stop avoiding situations that spike my emotions. Work has always been that place for me. It's always been a place I feared Jack walking into."

"What do you normally do when your anxiety peaks at work?"

"I go to the back room and restock."

"And what are you going to do now when you start to feel that way?"

"I know I need to stay out in the shop."

"Just remember that a spike in emotions is okay. They will spike, but they will come down again and you will be okay."

"When I get anxious, I feel that there will be no coming back down. I feel like everything is about to spiral out of control."

"That's very common after the kind of trauma you've been through. It's normal to be afraid of feeling, but whatever you're feeling, you need to understand that those feelings will not be permanent. Instead of running from your feelings, I really would like for you to stay in them. Try not to shut down. Think about your anxiety level, and when it gets high, I want you to see that you're still okay."

I nod my head and say, "I think that doing something like that at work is a good place to start. I'm not alone, and sitting here with you thinking about it, I can rationally say that nothing would happen. That I would be okay."

"Good. And how has your sleep been lately?"

"Restless."

"Are you still on your sleeping pill?" she asks.

"Yes. Honestly, I'm too scared to wean off of them."

"That's okay. You're making progress in other areas, and so we will keep focusing on that before approaching your nightmares."

After the session is over, I head over to Common Grounds to pick up my schedule for next week. When I walk in, I see Roxy behind the counter. She walks around it and comes to give me a hug.

"I'm so glad you decided to come back. I've missed you. I've been stuck working with Sarah, and all she talks about is her stupid dog."

I laugh at her and say, "Thanks. I'm so sorry for—"

Cutting me off she tells me, "Forget it. I'm just glad you're here, hun."

I walk to the back room with her, and she gives me the schedule for next week. It feels good to be back here. Even though Dr. Christman helped me to see that this place is a trigger for my irrational feelings, I feel like this will be a good starting point for me to try to overcome them.

"
So how are you and Kimber doing?" Jase asks me as we stand in the long line to buy our caps and gowns for graduation.

"Really good. We've both been busy getting everything wrapped up for graduation. But we spend several evenings a week hanging out."

"So are you excited about tomorrow night?"

"You have no idea. Excited and super nervous," I say as the line slowly moves forward. Tomorrow night is our final production, and I have been living and breathing dance for the past few weeks.

"Well, Mark has been dying to see you dance."

"I wasn't sure if he was going to be able to make it."

"Yeah, Ryan has a new band that alternates Saturday nights."

Looking down to the ground, I am a little caught off guard by the mention of Ryan's name. I know Jase is still friends with him, but he makes a point to not mention him around me.

"Sorry," he says.

I look back up at him and tell him, "It's fine, Jase. I know you're friends."

"So, can I go there?"

Letting out a sigh, I nod my head and he says, "He misses you. He hasn't been the same since."

"Neither have I. But, it's done. It's been almost two months."

"So, that's it?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I've been pretty busy trying to sort my own issues out," I tell him.

"I know you have. And I'm proud of you."

We take a few steps as the line continues to creep forward. "I just need to be alone right now. I realize how much I was clinging to people. I did it with you, and I did it with him. In a way, I guess I'm glad this all happened. It forced to me to finally find the will to try to pull myself out this hell. But, I had to do it alone."

"I understand. I really do. So, how is everything going with all of that?"

"We've been talking a lot about the attack. Dr. Christman really wants me to stay in the moment, feeling the power of those emotions without shutting down. The more we do those exercises the less scary it is talking about it."

"That's really good. I'm really glad that you're doing this. I always felt so helpless. I never knew what to tell you."

Grabbing his hand, I tell him, "You always said the right things to me. You always made me feel safe."

He kisses my forehead and asks, "How are your night terrors?"

"I'm still taking my pills. She told me that the more I can cope with my anxiety and triggers during the day and realize I'm okay, then the night stuff should work itself out naturally. But for now, I still take them."

He slings his arm around my shoulder and kisses my head. "You're pretty amazing, you know that?"

"Stop embarrassing me. So, tell me about you. Any job offers yet?"

"I have an interview at Dean Allen on Monday."

"That's great! So, you're definitely staying in Seattle?"

"Yeah. It's home for me. I love the city, and Mark is staying, so it only makes sense. What about you? I know you were thinking about the Pacific Northwest Ballet."

"That's when I thought I could never leave. But, I'm really hoping for New York. I think I can go now and be okay. I'll miss you like crazy, but if I got the opportunity, I'd have to at least give it a shot, you know?"

When we finally make it to the front of the line, we get fitted for our purple caps and gowns. I hand over my paperwork to order my honor cords and stole. Jase laughs at me and all the bells and whistles I have to wear. I just shake my head at him. I was still able to maintain my perfect four point this year, which makes a solid four years.

"Want to grab a coffee before we go?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

While standing in line for our drinks, I spot Kimber from across the room. I shoot her a quick text letting her know we are here, and I see her start heading our way.

"God, this place is packed with every douchebag around!" she snaps as she joins us.

I laugh at her as we walk over to take a seat at an empty table. "Did you order your cap and gown?"

"No, did you see that line?"

"Kimber, you have to get it ordered today. It's the last day."

"Come with me," she begs in a whiney voice.

Taking a sip of my drink I say, "Too late, I just did it."

"Jase?" she says in a singsong voice, but her face drops when he tells her, "Sorry, I went with Candace."

"You guys are hookers! Why didn't you call me?"

"Because you were in class," Jase tells her while I laugh. She's going to be one pissed off chick when she has to stand in that line alone.

"Well, stand with me anyway."

"I can't. I have rehearsals in an hour. I have to run home 'cause I forgot my dance bag."

"You guys are really sucky friends, you know?"

"What are you doing tonight?" Jase asks Kimber.

"Aside from standing in that long ass line, nothing. Why?"

"Come out with Mark and I."

"Drinking?"

"When do they ever not drink?" I butt in.

"Then I'm in! I'll call you when I can find my way out of this fuckin' crazy ass vortex," she complains as she stands up.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"To go get my cap and gown. Alone."

Jase and I laugh at her when she walks off.

"Well, I better run too. I gotta get to the studio."

"Okay, well I know tomorrow will be busy for you, but if we don't talk before then, I want to wish you luck now, sweetie. I am so proud of you, and we will be there to watch you."

"Thanks, Jase. Love you."

"You too."