Fading (54 page)

"Is this Candace Parker?" a man's voice asks.

"Yes. Who is this?"

"Detective Patterson, ma'am. I got your message and was returning your call. How can I help you?"

The anxiety slowly builds in my stomach as I'm caught off guard by the phone call, especially since last night's events. A flash of the girl's face that Jack was with crosses my mind, and I decide that maybe this is what I need to do.

"Oh, yeah. I...umm, I'm not quite sure where to begin."

"It's okay. Did you have a specific question you wanted to ask me?"

I walk further down the hall and sit down at the top of the stairs. "I guess I was just curious about what would happen if I wanted to press charges; if it was too late...or..."

"Well, I have your file here. It seems the hospital went ahead and had your rape kit sent over to the criminal lab where it is being stored. That, along with the eye-witness report, well, you have a solid case."

"Umm, so there was someone there? I don't remember..."

"Yes, ma'am. Let me pull up his statement." It takes a few seconds before he continues, "Okay, according to his statement, he heard screaming in the alley. When he came into view, you were knocked unconscious. He was the one who called 911 and waited with you until the ambulance arrived."

My hands begin to tremble as I think about someone being there with me. It makes me almost feel embarrassed just thinking about someone seeing me like that—beaten and naked. That night begins to replay in my head: the screaming, the weight of him on top of me, his grunting, watching his fist before he slammed it into my face.

"Umm..." I mumble out in a shaky voice and wipe away a few tears that are now rolling down my cheeks. "Do you know who? I mean..."

"Give me one second." I hear him tapping the computer keys when he continues, "Last name is Campbell. Ryan Campbell. Seems he owns the building where this happened."

Suddenly the air is sucked out of me, and the sensation of pinpricks overtakes my body as I turn cold.

"Ma'am?"

The phone slides out of my trembling hand and tumbles down the wooden stairs. I'm frozen and I'm shocked.
Ryan?
I begin to wonder who the man is in the other room; the man I trust.
Why didn't he ever tell me? Was this all a game to him?
My stomach churns, and I feel like I'm going to be sick. How could he lie to me, deceive me?

I start taking deep breaths as I reach my hand up, grab onto the banister, and pull myself onto my wobbly legs. I need to get out of here.

Gently easing the door open, I quietly pad across the room and pick up my purse. I look down at Ryan, who is still sleeping, and I feel pieces of my heart crumbling and falling hard into the pit of my stomach. I'm so embarrassed. No wonder he was so patient with me; he knew all along.
How could I be so stupid? How could I have let my walls down like this?

I fumble with the necklace around my neck, and suddenly, everything feels like a lie. If he truly ever thought I was fierce, it was just a product of his deceit. I clench the bar of the necklace and yank on it, breaking the delicate chain. I look down at the engraving, and I feel like an idiot for allowing another man to strip me bare.

When the tears begin to fall, I set the necklace on the nightstand, and I turn my back and leave. Quickly running down the stairs and out the door, I run to my car as fast as I can and throw it into reverse. All the wounds I've tried so desperately to mend are slowly starting to rip open as I start putting together all the pieces. The way he looked at me the first time he walked into the coffee shop. He knew me. He never pushed me because he knew exactly who I was. It was all a lie. It was all a sick game, and I was the fool who fell in love.
What the fuck is wrong with me?

As soon as I get home, I run into my room and shut the door behind me. Still trying to make sense of everything, I fall onto the bed and cry. I cry for a long time. I've never felt so hollow, so completely hopeless. When I can move, I roll over and grab my pillow to bury my head in it while I sob. Gasping for breath, I smell the remnants of his scent that linger on my pillow. I jump out of the bed and frantically start ripping the covers and sheets off, slinging them across the room.

"Candace?"

Startled, I turn to see Ryan walking into my room and closing the door behind him.

"Get out," I seethe.

"Babe, what's going on?"

Holding my arms out in front of me, I tell him, "Stay away from me."

His brows are knitted together as he looks at me in confusion. "Baby, what happened?"

I begin to cry harder and back myself against the wall. "You know exactly what happened. You know exactly who I am!"

Standing in the middle of my room, he doesn't say a word as his face slowly turns to shock, and I know he knows exactly what I mean.

"How could you?!" I scream.

Shaking his head, he says, "Babe, let me explain."

"Explain what?! That you've been lying to me this whole time? That you've just been using me? Why?!"

"No! It's not like that. I didn't know."

"How could you not know? God, I'm so fucking stupid."

"I didn't know when I first met you. I didn't know until I saw your tattoo."

"What?!"

"Babe, please let me explain."

"Get out!"

When he doesn't move, I scream, "Get the fuck out! I don't ever want to see you again." My legs can no longer support me, and I fall to my knees, sobbing—breaking.

"Just leave me alone."

"I'm not leaving," he says as he moves and kneels down in front of me.

"I fuckin' hate you. You made me fall in love with you, and it was all a goddamn lie."

"God, Candace. Please let me explain."

When he reaches out to touch me, I snap. "Get out! Get the fuck out!"

He jerks around when Kimber bursts through the door. Our eyes meet, and she turns to Ryan and demands, "Get the fuck out and away from her before I call the cops."

He turns back to me and pleads, "Babe, please. I love you so fuckin' much. Let me explain. Don't do this."

"I didn't do shit, Ryan!" Covering my face with my hands, I wail and scream, "Just go. It's over!"

"I'm serious. After the shit from last night, you better get the fuck away from her and leave. Now!"

All I hear through my cries is Ryan's voice echoing when he screams, "Fuuuck!" from across the house and then the slamming of the door as he leaves.

I fall into Kimber's arms when she rushes down to her knees in front of me. She holds me in her arms as I cry harder and harder. It's been so long since Kimber has hugged me, and her touch is almost too much for me. Ryan just took everything, and I feel like dust, like at any second I could be blown away into nothing. I grasp tightly to Kimber, desperate for her. I can't lie to her; I need her too much.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I've been lying to you."

"Candace—"

I cut her off and let everything out. Everything I've been hiding.

"I didn't want to lie to you. I love you, but I was scared. I was scared you would tell someone, and I was afraid to trust you."

"Sweetie—"

"Jack raped me. That night of the party, he raped me. And I stayed with Jase because I didn't want you to know. I didn't want anyone to know, and I was scared you would go to Jack and do something stupid. So I hid from you. I lied, and I hurt you. I lost my best friend and I'm so sorry."

"Candace, you didn't lose me," she says as she begins to cry. "I've always been here."

"I'm so sorry."

Kimber doesn't say anything as we both cry. I don't know how long we are on the floor, but when exhaustion hits, I lean my head back against the wall and release a hard sigh. When I look back at Kimber, I apologize again.

"Let's get off the floor, okay?" she says and then stands and helps pull me up. We walk out to the living room, and I sit on the couch as Kimber gets us some water. Sitting down next to me she asks, "Candace, what happened?"

"With Jack or Ryan?"

"Jack."

"He got pissed at me that I led him on and when I ran from him, he..." I don't finish my thought, because I can't, and I know I don't need to. "I was taken to the hospital, and I went home with Jase. I couldn't come back here because Jack had banged up my face pretty bad."

"Fucker," she hisses.

"Kimber, you can't say anything."

"Ryan beat the shit out of him last night."

"I know, I was there. That's Ryan's bar, he owns it."

"Is that why you were fighting? I don't understand."

Shaking my head, I start to cry again. "God, it's so messed up."

"Candace, I know you didn't think you could, but you can trust me. I love you."

"The thing with Jack happened in the back lot of Ryan's bar. I didn't know it, and I didn't know him when we met. But I spoke with the detective this morning, and he told me that Ryan had witnessed it." Hanging my head down, I struggle to get my words out. "I don't know what to think. He knew me all along and never said anything. God, I broke down like an idiot and told him what had happened to me and he already knew."

"That's fucked up," she says as she hugs me.

"I fell in love with him. How could he make me fall in love with him? I feel so stupid."

"You're not stupid. He lied to you. He's a dick face."

I can't help but chuckle through my tears at her words. I've missed her words so much.

"I wish I would have known," she tells me. "I wish I could have been there for you. I had no idea. I thought you were mad at me, and I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure any of it out, so I just gave up trying. Then I just got mad at you."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do. I mean, last night was the first time I've hung out with Jack, but he's one of Seth's friends. They're frat brothers and all."

"You can't say anything. Please, Kimber."

"I won't. I promise. I just don't know what to do."

"I don't know."

"Are you pressing charges?"

"No."

"Why were you talking to a detective?"

"He was at the hospital. He gave me his card. Jase had tried a couple times to get me to call him, but I didn't. I came across it the other day when I was starting to pack my room and I...I don't know, I guess I wanted to see what my options were. I don't know."

"You can't let him get away with this, Candace. He has a girlfriend, you know?"

"Kimber, I just can't. This year has been a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare, for me. I thought I was stronger. I thought Ryan was real. I don't know, Kimber. I feel so lost. More lost than before."

There's a knock on the door and Kimber gets up to answer it.

"Hey, Jase," she says as he walks into the house and straight towards me.

"I've been trying to call you, sweetie. What happened?"

I must have forgotten my phone when I rushed out of Ryan's place.

"He lied to me."

Sitting down next to me, he asks, "What do you mean 'he lied?'"

I start to cry and he takes my hand. "Remember when the detective told us there was a witness to what happened?"

"Yeah."

"It was Ryan. Jase, he saw it and never told me."

Kimber sits down on the other side of me as I lean into Jase's arms, and I hear Kimber tell Jase that I told her everything. And for the first time in a long time, the three of us hold each other. I'm so hurt and so lost, but at the same time, I feel like I'm finally back with the people who I have always considered my family.

When Jase pulls back, he wants to know how I found out, so I tell him about calling Detective Patterson and everything that he said.

"What did you say to Ryan?"

With a new slew of tears breaking free, I say, "I ended it. Jase, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. How could he do this to me?"

"I don't know, sweetie."

"You're gonna have to go over to his place. All my things are there and my phone. I left it all there."

"Don't worry about any of that. Jase will take care of it," Kimber assures me.

"I'll go over there when I leave here. But I don't want to leave you like this."

I lie down, rest my head in Jase's lap, and let him console me. I listen to him and Kimber talk about everything while Jase answers all of her questions. I don't say anything. I just lie there until the tears dry up and I have nothing left in me. I never thought I could feel as low as I do right now. I didn't think it was possible, but I feel like the depths of my despair can't sink any lower. If ever I wanted to lose myself and disappear, it's right now. I'm so empty and nothing Jase or Kimber can do or say could take away the stabbing pain inside me.

When Jase leaves, Kimber takes me into her room, and I crawl into her bed. I tell her I can smell Ryan on my sheets, and she goes into my room, grabs all of my bedding, and tosses a load into the washer. When she comes back, she lies down with me like we used to do and pulls the sheets over us, hugging me from behind. I've missed this, having her, my best friend, my sister.