Fairytale Not Required (23 page)

Harlan's words rang through Astrid's mind as she sat out on the deck, wrapped in a light blanket. She hugged herself tighter, her emotions warring between pride for how she'd stood up for herself to Jason's mother, and sadness for the realization that she'd lost her chance with Jason by being so defiant with his mother.

Not that Jason was the right man for her, if he ended up judging her unworthy based on her childhood, but a part of her still wished she hadn't been so forthright. Maybe it had been too soon. Maybe she should have waited until she and Jason had more of a foundation before exposing herself to him so completely.

No. She could have no regrets.

It was too late to change what she'd done. Plus, it was better to know now that he couldn't handle her past, than to have him leave at the last moment, like Paul had done. Better to know she couldn't count on him before she was foolish enough to actually do so.

She didn't need Jason Sarantos. She really didn't, no matter how much he seemed to touch her heart. She lifted her chin and gazed out across the lake, watching the play of the moon on the water.

She forced herself to calm her frantic mind and to focus on the moment. On the setting. On the magic of the evening. It was beautiful here. So beautiful it made her heart cry, because she knew it was fleeting. Just like every home she'd had, it would slip out of her fingers. There was no way she could afford the rent to live here, and she would not live on the charity of a man who wanted her baby.

Her fingers brushed against the cold metal of her bracelet, and she looked down at the piece she'd started to make for Jason.
Fire.
Maybe fire didn't mean igniting her dreams. Maybe fire meant giving up her dreams for some stability. Maybe that was what took the real courage, that moment of deciding to walk away from her dreams and accept a life of less to take care of her child. Astrid fingered the cool metal. Maybe it was time to give up on the jewelry. Maybe it was time to get a job. Health insurance. A steady paycheck, even if it was small.

A small part of her rippled with relief at the idea of having a steady paycheck, of not having to panic about her fluctuating and dwindling income from her jewelry. But at the same time, the most immense sense of loss assailed her. Her jewelry had been her one constant for all these years. She'd been able to pack her jewelry-making supplies with her each time she'd started anew. The jewelry had always been there for her. A sanctuary into which she could retreat. How many hours had she gone into the corner and huddled up with her designs and her beads, lost in a world that made her surroundings and dingy motel rooms disappear? If she took a full-time job, what time would she have left for her jewelry-making? Especially when the baby came?

That dream would die.

Tears began to trickle down Astrid's cheeks as she stared at the beautiful scenery. She hugged her belly. "What am I supposed to do?" she whispered. "I don't know what to do."

For once, just once, she wanted someone to take her hand and show her the way. She was so tired of trying to figure it out on her own, of trying to hold up the world by herself. And now she was supposed to guide a child, too? Even Harlan would be gone in the morning, their fragile connection too fleeting. "It's too much," she whispered. "I don't know how to do this—"

"Astrid?" Jason's low voice drifted around the side of the house, and she heard his feet crunching on the gravel pathway.

She hurriedly wiped her cheeks and took a deep breath as Jason walked around the corner. Her breath caught as he came into view. He looked like a gallant knight, come to her rescue. His hair was disheveled. His tee shirt was loose, his jeans low on his hips. The moonlight cast his face into a mixture of silver light and dark shadows, like he was emerging from the darkness to help her. Dammit. He was beautiful.

Agonized by how tempting he was, she tore her gaze away from him and looked out across the lake.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

She bit her lip, her emotions warring within her. Why had he come after her? Why hadn't he been so disgusted so as to let her go? She didn't want to have hope. Hope was cruel. Hope caused pain and agony. "I'm kind of tired," she said softly.

"That's okay. I am too." He grabbed the railing with both hands and then vaulted easily over it, the muscles in his arms and shoulders flexing as he hoisted himself up. Dammit. She remembered how strong his muscles were. She was vividly aware of what his body felt like beneath her hands. And now, she was viscerally conscious of the close distance between them on the tiny deck.

"Jason—"

"Hi." He sat down next to her on the narrow bench, his shoulder pressed up against hers. Astrid caught her breath, her heart racing at the feel of his warmth and strength so close.

"I'm sorry about my mother," he said.

Astrid swallowed, trying to calm the frenzied pace of her heart. For a moment, she wanted to retreat into the old Astrid, and tell him that it was okay, that he didn't need to apologize, but then she thought of Harlan, and his belief in her worthiness. She didn't deserve to be treated like the enemy, no matter what his mother's motivation had been. It wasn't okay, and it was a lie to politely say that it was. So, she nodded slightly, and simply said, "Thank you."

"Tell me about your mom."

She glanced over at him. "I already—"

"No." He propped his feet up on the railing and clasped his hands behind his head, as if he wasn't even paying attention to her. "Tell me about who she was. Tell me something you admired about her."

"Something I admired about my mother?" Astrid stared at him. "But she was a mess."

"She raised a daughter who is courageous, strong, and incredibly passionate about herself and living. I think she did something right. Tell me." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the house, waiting.

Fresh tears began to burn in Astrid's eyes. No one, not even herself, had ever suggested she look at the good side of her mother.

"There has to be something good," Jason said, his voice a low rumble in the dark night. "Everyone has something good about them."

"I don't know—"

Jason turned his head slightly to look at her. "My former wife was a workaholic," he said. "She was obsessed with money and fame. Anything that got in her way was an irritation, including me and our boys. My parents hated her from the first moment."

Astrid bit her lips. "I know what that's like." She would never forget how Paul's parents had made their disapproval of her so obvious when she'd met them. She'd been so ashamed of who she was. Looking back, it made her want to cry for how much she'd let them bother her. Today, she wouldn't be that victim again. She simply wouldn't.

"But you know what?" Jason continued. "Even though Kate was cold as hell to us, three times a year, she went to South America on a trip to bring medical care to people who had none. I thought she did it for the fame and to be able to put a check box on her resume, but one day, she got a letter from someone in the program. They told her that a young girl who she'd treated for a brutal infection had survived. When Kate heard that the little girl was going to live, she cried. She was alone in our den, and she didn't know I was watching. She didn't cry to impress anyone. She cried because that little girl had another chance to live." Jason closed his eyes again. "Maybe Kate didn't have space in her heart for us, but I realized that night that she went to South America for the sole reason that she cared. She helped a lot of people over the years."

Astrid rubbed the back of her neck, thinking about the story. Not just that Kate maybe had more depth than people thought, but more importantly, the fact that despite all he'd been through, Jason was still able and willing to see the good in her. He hadn't judged her on her flaws, and had kept his heart open to see what beauty there was in her soul.

Maybe he wasn't like Paul.

Maybe Jason was different.

"Your turn," he said. "What's good about your mom? About your childhood?"

Astrid took a deep breath and for the first time in her life, tried to think of her mother and her childhood without being embarrassed by it. "She always protected me," she said quietly. "Some of her boyfriends thought that they could jerk me around, and every time it happened, she took me and left him within a half hour. No one ever got to mess with me. Ever."

Jason smiled. "That's a good mom, right there, protecting her kid. I like that."

Something warm began to build inside her at his words, at his support of her mother. Something so beautiful she didn't even have the ability to name it. Emotions whirling inside her, Astrid hugged the blanket tighter around her. "I hated being on the move all the time, but one of my favorite memories was driving down the highway with her on the way to our next destination. She would crank the radio to an oldies station, and we would belt out the lyrics, going totally crazy. I loved that. Singing with my mom always made things seem better."

Jason shifted so he was facing her. He slid his arm along the back of the bench, tucking it behind her head. His eyes were dark in the night, but he was watching her intently. "She sounds like a real character, living her own life no matter what anyone said. Like her daughter does."

Astrid's pulse hummed at his nearness, at the intensity of his gaze. She tried to hold her head up so it didn't rest on his arm, but his shoulder was too strong, too tempting, and she slowly relaxed against him. "That's for sure," she said. "My mom never did anything because it would make others happy. She lived for herself...and for me." Looking back, Astrid had to admit that they'd always had enough food, enough money for a roof over their heads, even if it was just the car. Was that why her mom had always chosen men with money? To make sure her daughter was taken care of in that unconventional lifestyle?

Jason's fingers rubbed along her upper arm, a seductively tempting touch that was more than sensual. It was emotional, dragging her right down into his world, and she didn't want to resist it. It just felt too good to connect with him like this.

"Why haven't you talked to her in years?" he asked. "What happened?"

Astrid's good feeling fled, replaced with the bitterness and anger she'd associated with her mother for so long. She looked down at her hands and began to fiddle with her bracelets. "When I started to date Paul, she was furious with me. She didn't want me to get married. Now that I was old enough to date men and toy with them, along with her, she wanted me to stay with her, so we could run around and be girls together. She wanted us to look for a father-son team to hook up with. But when I became pregnant..." Astrid thought back to her mother's reaction, her fury that Astrid would do something so foolish. "I was ecstatic. I thought it was my chance to have the family that I'd never had growing up. A mom, a dad, a daughter, a nice house. It was my dream."

Jason began to play with the hair at the nape of her neck. "She didn't want that for you?"

"She told me I was being a fool. That I wasn't cut out for that. She was so angry at me, and for the first time in my life, I refused to go along with her. I told her I was staying with Paul when she decided to leave town again. She said I was on my own and left." Astrid swallowed, fighting back the feelings of betrayal. "When I lost the baby, and Paul walked out, I tried to call her. I left a message on her voicemail, and she never called back. She never came back to help me. Only Harlan did." She would never forget that sense of abandonment when she'd realized her mother had cut her out. "She finally called me over a year later. I missed the call and she didn't leave a message. And that's the last I've heard from her."

"Shit, Astrid." Jason sighed, still watching her. "You've never had anyone stick by you, have you?"

Astrid sat up, pulling away from Jason. "I don't need anyone," she said tartly. "I can do it myself."

He didn't move. He just sat there watching her. "We all need someone," he said quietly. "It's human nature."

"It's dangerous."

He shrugged. "Yeah, it is." He moved his hand to cup the back of her neck. "I know that it fucking sucks to be wrong about someone. To trust them and then have them let you down. But you survive it. We all do. As humans, we always find a way to keep going." He tightened his grip on her neck, pulling her closer. "You're so courageous, Astrid. Don't let fear stop you from living, or from trying to make your dreams a reality."

Astrid tensed as he leaned forward to kiss her, and she blocked him with a hand on his chest. "Don't," she whispered. "Please don't."

He paused, but didn't retreat. "You have no sense of how amazing you are, do you? You have the most beautiful soul, and you have so much love in your heart. That little baby is going to be the luckiest kid around to have you for a mother."

"No." Panic clawed at her. "Don't lie to me, Jason. I'm so tired of being lied to. I know that I have no idea how to be a good mother. I have no money. I have no income. What do I have to offer a child?" As the words tumbled out, a grim reality came to light. "I'm going to be like my mother," she whispered in horror. "That's why she went from man to man. Not because she liked them, but because she had no other resources to provide for me—"

"That's bullshit," Jason snapped. "You're not going to be like your mother. There are always choices. There are a lot of ways to support a child, and she chose that because of her own needs or issues that had nothing to do with you. You're not like that, and you won't choose that life, because it's not what you want. You yearn for stability and you'll find a way to do it." His fingers tightened on the back of her neck. "I believe in you, Astrid, and I won't walk away—"

"What is wrong with you?" She stood up, needing to get away from him, freaking out at the way he kept saying all those magical things she wanted to believe, and making promises she knew he wouldn't keep. "Why do you see all these great things when you look at me?" She held out her arms. "Look at me, Jason! Really look at me! I'm not some angel who has swept in to bring light into your life! I'm a mess! I'm flawed! Don't you see? You think I'm this amazing creature, and I'm
not
. You've created this image in your head of how amazing I am! Am I really supposed to trust it? What's going to happen when you wake up one morning and realize that I'm just me? That this woman who you convinced yourself was an angel because she could give you a baby is just ordinary, or worse than ordinary?'