Faith, Honor & Freedom (24 page)

“It is what it is, and it’s not the only way to make a family. It’s not the end of the world, you know?”

“It kind of is to me, at this moment. Not only do I not get the kids, but I apparently don’t get the guy either.”

“Since when have you even wanted the guy?” she asks. “I feel like it came out of nowhere. You liked him when we were sixteen and haven’t mentioned him since. I always thought you guys had the chemistry, but you used it in all the wrong ways. You fight more than anyone I know!” she says disbelievingly.

“I honestly have no idea. He was just there one day, and he kissed me, and fuck, he’s a good kisser.”

She blushes. “I know.”

“What do you mean you know?” I ask, spinning around.

“Calm down, I only kissed him! And it was once. He was hammered … I was hammered. It seemed like a good idea until we tried it. Great fucking kisser, but it just felt wrong,” she says, shrugging.

I still can’t help but feel jealous, which is ridiculous considering he’s probably kissed hundreds, if not thousands, of women. I feel the nausea rise up in my stomach at how many have come before me. Did he compare me to all of them? Maybe he doesn’t even want kids, but just saw this as an easy way out? But then why would he say all of those nice things? My mind is still reeling, and I realize I still haven’t answered Vi.

“You didn’t! You couldn’t keep a secret from me if you tried.”

“You never asked. If you had, I wouldn’t have lied.” I realize getting mad at her isn’t going to get me anywhere. She’s happily married now, with a baby, and a house, and all of the things a woman my age should have. Things that I’ll never get to have now.

Damn it, I hate self-pity!

“All right, I’m over it. I shouldn’t even be shocked, the two of you were the biggest whores … shit, sorry Vi.” I watch as she winces at the word
whore
, and I immediately feel terrible.

“It’s fine. It is what it is, and I was what I was. I can’t change that, just as much as you can’t change the fact that you can’t birth a child.” I give her a horrified look. “I know, shitty comparison, but Lana, you can adopt, you can do foster care. Shit, I’ll carry a baby for you. It’s not the end of the world.”

I know she’s right, but at this moment, I still can’t bring myself to accept it.

“Don’t let him win. Don’t let him steal this from you. You want a family … make it happen. What about Jade’s baby? She needs a home.”

I shake my head vehemently. “As much as I love that baby, it’s just not the right time or place. As of right now, I’ve blown through my entire savings, and I’m not even sure I have a job. How can I keep helping women give birth when I can’t do it myself? I’m going to resent my clients. That’s not fair to them.”

“Lana, you don’t have a mean bone in your body. You couldn’t resent them if you tried. Go ahead and laugh afterward that you will never have to go through that pain. You can make someone else do it for you. That’s a blessing in disguise.”

I know she means well, but it’s just not helping. “That’s easy for you to say. You get to hold something you created every day. I will never have that. Ever”

She looks at me sadly, before whispering, “I know.” She lets the tears well up in her eyes as we start to cry together.

A knock on the door sometime later brings us both back to reality. Vi rushes to the door and looks out the peephole. She looks back at me and mouths, “Hoss.” I wipe the tears from my face and nod. She opens the door and lets him inside.

“Give us a minute,” he says to Vi.

“Yeah, sure,” she says, throwing her shoes on and gathering her purse. “I’ll bring back supper.” She gives me a sympathetic look, and I do my best to let her know I’m going to be okay.

She closes the door behind her, and I’m left with Weston, and the giant purple elephant in the room. He walks over to the bed and sits down beside me. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. My heart is still shattered, and I don’t want to break down crying in front of him again.

“That was a dick move,” he says with pain and remorse in his voice.

Honestly, after thinking it through since he left, I find I’m not even angry with him. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have reacted the same way. I’ve
always
wanted kids. I guess it’s easier for me to accept this because I have no choice. I can’t leave my body for a new one. Weston can, though; he can easily a find a woman to give him everything he wants. Everything I can’t. Even if we’ve known each other our whole lives, this relationship, or whatever this is, it’s new. I would like to think I would have stayed and stuck it out if he told me he couldn’t have kids, but who knows which love would have won out in the end.

“It wasn’t,” I finally say after a moment of silence. “It’s life changing. I completely understand—we’re new.”

“What are you talking about?” he asks. I give him a confused look, wondering what exactly
he
is talking about. “I don’t give a shit that you can’t have kids, Lana.” I feel my insides knot up inside. “I care because that fucker took away something that I can never give you back. He hurt you in a way I can’t repair, and I want to kill him for that. I want to kill him for taking away something so precious to you.”

He runs his finger along my cheek as I process what he’s trying to say.

“So you don’t want kids?”

“Sunshine, I want whatever you do. You’ve always wanted a family, so I did, too. This though? It doesn’t change a damn thing between us. You’re enough for me, Lana; just you. You will always be enough for me.”

I feel a sob escape my throat and relief course through me as I let go of some of the worry that’s been burdening me.

He’s not leaving me.

“Come here,” he says, lifting me into his arms. I lay my head against his shoulder and try to hold back the tears. I’ve been doing way too much crying lately. I just want things to go back to normal. Well, normal plus Weston.

“You’re going to be okay, Lana. When I left, I drove over to the hospital to talk to your doctor. He wouldn’t tell me shit, even when I pulled my badge on him. He did say that hypothetically, someone in that situation could still have a baby. You just can’t grow one yourself. You just put the parts into another woman and let her do the dirty work,” he says, attempting to be humorous. Well, at least he didn’t throw himself into the arms of another woman.

“I know. It’s just all so clinical. I miss out on the whole magical part of it all.”

“Baby, you are the magical part of it, and if someday, I’m that guy you want to have kids with? I’ll make sure those nine months are magical for you. Plus, we still get the fun part of it,” he says with a mischievous grin.

I give him a small smile back. “I know. I’m sure I’ll be okay with it someday, too. It’s just not going to be today.

“I know, babe,” he answers.

“Weston?”

“Yeah Sunshine.”

“I was talking to Vi, and she said that Rhett always knew we were going to get together, and he was fine with it. He just wanted to hold you off until you were done being your dickhead self … your words, not mine,” I say, attempting to smile.

“Nah, she must be mistaken. Rhett told me at least a hundred times a week to stay away from you. God, if I stared a little too long he’d beat the shit out of me, and I let him. I knew he was right.”

“She says he was okay with it. She wouldn’t lie to me. She couldn’t if she tried.”

He pulls back and stares at my face for a moment, while he tries to work out something in his head. “Are you sure?” he asks disbelievingly. “We’re talking about your brother here, right?”

“Yeah. Looks like you’re fresh out of excuses now. If you want to leave me, you’re going to have to give me a real reason.”

“Shit,” he says, an immense smile forming across his face. “I know how hard today must have been for you, but I think this is one of the best days of my life.”

“I love you, Weston Hoss,” I whisper. Never a truer statement has left my lips.

He smirks. “I love you, too, Lana Carter.”

His warm lips press down gently on my forehead. I feel my body start to ease, and I grab a hold of the back of his neck, directing his lips down to mine. He lets out a growl of approval before his lips crash down hungrily on mine. I let all of my worries melt into his body as I concentrate on his tongue moving expertly inside of my mouth, and his soft lips pressed against mine. I pull back and bite down on his lower lip.

“Fuck,” he mutters, laying me back on the bed with ease. He hovers over me, his lips meeting mine again, this time slowly. I feel my body react to his touch, and move my hands down to his ass, wanting to feel at least some of his weight. Instead, he pulls back completely.

“We should probably stop,” he says gruffly.

“Probably … but I’ve had two pain pills, and I’m already feeling okay. Anything you do is only going to improve on that,” I whisper. He pauses for a moment as if considering, before reaching down, pulling my shirt up over my head. I sit up, giving him access and groan a little as I realize that even with two pain pills it still hurts to move much.

I lay back down, and he looks me over. The staples have been removed from my stomach, and the wound has closed over, leaving a bright red, ugly looking scar. I move to cover it, feeling insecure, but he grabs my hands and moves them up over my head instead.

“You are beautiful, Lana … always will be,” he whispers into my ear. My whole body blushes as I wait impatiently for him to touch me again.

He presses a soft kiss to my lips before placing another on my neck, my collarbone, and in between my breasts. He reaches around and unhooks my bra, tossing it onto the floor. He looks up at me with smouldering blue eyes, waiting for me to give the okay. I moan in response, and he latches onto my breast, his skilled mouth, nibbling, sucking, and swirling. I cry out in pleasure and push myself against him. He slips my pants off before placing three kisses along my stomach and moving down the inside of my thigh. When he reaches my knees, he uses his tongue to lick a path back up to my core.

He hovers above, and I start to feel self-conscious. Is he comparing me to other women he’s been with? I start to close my legs, but he pushes them back open. “Fucking perfect,” he says huskily, and I relax some.

He leans in, placing a warm kiss against my clit. The anticipation is killing me, and my body is aching for a release—something to help me forget everything else—even if it’s only for a moment. I feel his tongue reach out and dip inside as my throat makes an “mmm” sound. His tongue starts moving vigorously inside of me, deep, fast, and hard. He pauses to suck on my clit, gently nibbling at it before returning to his incredible tongue fucking. I’m putty in his hands, and he knows it.

“Weston,” I breathe, crying out my release as the waves of euphoria pulsate through my body. He looks up at me to make sure I’m all right. I throw my head back in response—still riding the waves of the mind blowing orgasm he’s given me. I feel two fingers slip inside of me, and my body screams in protest.

“No Weston, I’m still coming,” I say breathily.

Apparently he can’t understand me, or chooses to ignore me, because his fingers starts moving inside of me. The pressure is immense as I feel his thumb start to work my clit. He swirls his fingers deep inside of me. The first climax finally subsides, and I get a momentary break before the second one rips through me. I cry out loudly, my body tensing, and then relaxing completely. I feel some pain in my stomach, but the pleasure overrides it.

He brings his head up and rests it on the bed beside my stomach, kissing my hip gently. It tickles, and I give him a small giggle.

“That was incredible,” I say as I return from what feels like an out of body experience. What the hell have I been missing out on all of these years?

“You are incredible,” he replies, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together.

I hear a loud knock on the door. “Christ, are you done yet? Your food is getting cold,” Vi says impatiently.

We burst out laughing.

Chapter 17

Minutes, days, and even weeks fly by, trapped between four walls. We change hotels every few nights just to be sure I’m not a sitting target for Alec. Some are incredible, while others really make me miss the comforts of home. I’d kill for a real kitchen right about now. At least I’m finally healed up well. No more painkillers, and my scar is beginning to turn pink.

Weston is forced to work a lot of overtime, but always returns to the hotel at night to sleep. He also checks in when he can, even though there is always an officer stationed outside my door. He’s been incredible through all of this, and while I wish I could see more of him, I know he’s working hard to make sure Alec is put behind bars so we can have a normal life together.

The case was featured on a prominent crime show on television. Since then, thousands of calls and tips have poured in, and they’ve been working hard to investigate them all. I just keep praying Alec is found soon so I can finally move on from this nightmare. It was humiliating doing an interview for the show; not only do I know I’m a screw up, but now the rest of the world knows, too. I have to do everything I can, though, to make sure he never does this to anyone else.

Violet and baby Gavin visit when they can, and although the little guy is still a painful reminder of what I can’t have, it heals more than it hurts. I still love him like family, and I always will. I get to see Button four times a week. Weston, and occasionally other officers, drive me back and forth to see her. Even though I saw Button in the hospital after I knew I couldn’t have children, it didn’t feel real then. After talking with Violet and Weston and letting all of those emotions cloud my mind, it was a lot harder to hold her and even harder to let her go. She’s being released in five days, and my heart aches at the thought.

Today is my birthday, though, and I refuse to dwell on anything painful. I’ve been locked up for too long, and even though I still can’t leave this room, I’ve organized quite a bit just over the phone. I had flowers delivered this morning, a cake being delivered in an hour, and Chinese food coming for supper. Weston received a call early this morning before I woke up, and I’ve been sitting here all day alone. Vi said she’s stopping by with Gavin in a bit, and we’re going to do some online shopping since the mall is out of the question.