Fall On Me (11 page)

He frowned deeply as his eyes studied my
face. "Baby, every time you've reacted like that you've been
provoked. By me."

"Provocation is no excuse," I urged. "In any
situation. I did wrong. This is all on me, Kyle."

"Lee, I'm a major douchebag sometimes and
you're only human." He clasped my face in between his hands and
grinned. "Did you know that Cam went all
Bruce Lee
on Derek
with a toilet paper holder once? I got off lightly with a shampoo
bottle…"

"What?" I shook my head and stifled a laugh.
"She didn't…"

"She did," Kyle grinned. A sadness crept into
his eyes, but he blinked it away quickly. Taking my hand, he led me
back to the couch before sinking onto it and pulling me down on his
lap. "I never know what to say to you," he said quietly. "You need
to let me know if I bring stuff up that's hard for you to talk
about."

"I'd like to hear more," I whispered as I
snuggled against him. My back was throbbing, but I ignored the pain
as I rested against Kyle. "Please tell me more."

"About Derek and Cam?" he asked quietly.

I nodded. "About anything you can remember
about Cam."

"Well, she tramp-stamped Derek when we were
in college," he mused.

"What's a tramp stamp?" I asked in confusion.
I wasn't sure what that was code for.

"It's a tattoo, baby," Kyle chuckled before
bending down and kissing my hair. "Sometimes I forget how sheltered
your life was before moving to the hill."

"How come you're not tramp stamped?" I
asked.

"I hate needles," he whispered with a
shudder. "Besides, it's not my thing."

"I'm glad," I whispered. "Your body is
beautiful. You don't need to be scarring it."

"Cam could drink a beer faster than most guys
I know," Kyle said, veering the conversation away from scars before
laughing softly. "And I don't know if you ever noticed, but she
used to do this weird thing with cereals."

I smiled and turned my face up so I could see
him. "She would scoop the cereal up with a spoon, but tip it
sideways and let the milk spill out before she ate them."

"Yeah," Kyle said eagerly as his eyes lit up.
"It used to drive me fucking crazy."

"Me too," I chuckled. "She always did that.
Since as long as I can remember."

"Such a waste of milk," he mused.

"I used to drink her leftover milk when I was
small," I admitted, red faced.

"Uh..." Kyle groaned. "That's fucking gross,
baby."

"What," I shrugged. "It was a waste and I was
hungry. And in my defense I was like four or something."

"Were you hungry a lot as a child?" he asked
in a soft voice.

"Not really," I mumbled, arching my back to
ease the throbbing. "I mean, I was never full, but I wouldn't say I
was starving…although I probably would've starved if Ted and Mora
weren't so good to me." I frowned as I thought about it. "I'm still
confused as to how he kept me alive as a baby…he was always drunk,
Kyle. Like every single day. It's a miracle he remembered to feed
me."

"Jesus," Kyle muttered as he tightened his
arms around me and kissed my shoulder. "You have to stop. I can't
hear this... I can't."

"Okay, I'm sorry," I muttered. We sat in
silence until I couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry for today,
Kyle."

"Lee," he sighed. "Please stop
apologizing."

"What if I'm like him?" I whispered in
mortification. "What if I'm going to turn out like him? Do you
think behavior like that is genetic?"

"You're not now, nor will you ever be
anything like him," he spat. "I'm still trying to figure out how
that bastard's blood is running through your veins."

I sat up and turned to look at him. He was so
sure I was good. He was wrong. "I'm not perfect, Kyle."

"No, you're not," he said with a smirk. "And
I'm glad for that because I'm so fucking far from perfect it gives
our relationship a little balance when you drop your halo and show
you're human. You're so far above me, Lee, I feel like I'm hanging
on to your ankles just to keep you on the ground with me."

"What?" I asked in confusion. "Kyle, that
makes no sense."

"It does to me," he said simply. "We're both
fucked up, Lee. It's nice to know that. It's lonely being the only
screw-up."

Huh...I stroked his cheek with my palm and
smiled sheepishly. "I guess we're both a little broken, aren't
we?"

"That's an understatement." Kyle laughed and
squeezed me tightly. "At least we can be each other's glue. You fix
me and I'll fix you. Deal?"

I smiled. "Deal."

****

"And by the way," Kyle whispered, several
hours later as we were lying in bed facing each other. "Don't ever
leave me hanging like you did this morning. Trust me, my dick hurt
ten times worse than my nose."

"Kyle," I whispered, completely mortified. "I
was b…"

"I don't care," he said before I could
finish. "I don't care about that and neither should you." He yawned
loudly as his eyelids fluttered closed. "I'm not some adolescent
asshole who doesn't understand how a woman's body works," he
muttered, his voice drowsy. "I wanna be inside you…no matter what's
going on inside of you."

"I was worried," I confessed. "I'm still
worried…" My voice trailed off as the sound of Kyle's heavy
breathing filled my ears. I stared at his peaceful face. He looked
so much younger when he was asleep. "I love you," I whispered
before climbing out of bed and into the shower.

****

Chapter 7

Saturday
night…

Lee

"Lee, come on, get dressed," Kyle grumbled as
he pulled my shoes out of our wardrobe and dropped them on the bed
next to me. Rachel's gun hadn’t killed me, but I had a feeling the
pain I'd woken up with would. Getting out of bed this morning and
taking care of Hope was hard enough. I was sore and didn't feel up
to going out for dinner, but telling Kyle this would only result in
a humiliating trip to the ER.

I woke up again this morning with horrible
back pain. I was aching all over and every time I peed I felt like
diving into a bathtub full of boiling hot water to stop the burning
sensation. I actually had to do that twice this afternoon. I was
used to the pain in my back but the pee-burn sucked. I wasn't
completely sure if I was on my period or not, but it had been five
days since I called Dr. Bromwick and I was still spotting. I'd
called Dr. Michaels again yesterday, but the secretary I'd spoken
to informed me that he was out of the office for another two weeks
and the only doctor available was Dr. Bromwich…

I spent an unhealthy amount of time on my
phone last night googling my symptoms and after a dozen
heart-stopping, terrifying possible causes for the bleeding, I'd
come to the conclusion that Dr. Bromwick was right about two
things. I was on my period and I was stupid. Incredibly stupid…

I'd also woken up in the middle of the night
screaming my head off and every time I'd tried to close my eyes I'd
been haunted with memories of Cam. Last night's nightmare had been
more disturbing than others. As usual I was back in the kitchen in
Thirteenth Street, holding Cam's lifeless body in my arms, except
last night she'd spoken to me...

"I don't want to die, Lee."

"Don't make me die for you."

"Why are you letting her hurt me?"

"It's you she wants."

She had chanted the same four sentences over
and over until her eyes started to roll back in her head. Then she
had started to cry. That had been the worst part. Her tears were
blood and they'd soaked my body. When I woke the guilt had been so
smothering that I'd felt like I was going to suffocate from the
pain. Kyle hadn't spoken a word when he held me in his arms. He
hadn't tried to shush me or tell me it would be okay. He let me cry
it out and I was grateful for that. He couldn't say anything to
make it better or make the nightmares stop. He couldn't do anything
to change the past. But sleep hadn't come and this morning I
couldn't eat.

"This isn't a setup, is it?" I asked as I
watched Kyle button his blue shirt and tucked the tails of his
shirt into his black pants.

"There's no set up, baby," he said grinning
and for a brief moment I wished he had a vagina just so he could
understand what it felt like to pee razor-blades. "I just want us
to have a nice family meal. Is that so hard to believe?"

Quite frankly it was and I smelled a rat. His
obsession with playing happy families with my mother was upsetting
me. I'd been forgiven for the whole shampoo bottle incident. I was
sorry. I shouldn't have done it, but my actions seemed to have kick
started his fixation with repairing my relationship with my mom. He
re-started the 'talk to your mother' conversation the moment I
opened my eyes this morning and had continued with it on and off
throughout the day. I was fairly certain I would explode if I heard
the words 'that poor woman' come out of his mouth one more
time.

"Come on, princess. Hope's all dressed up and
looking adorable…let's go show her off to Theresa and the girls in
the restaurant."
Hit me with the daughter card why don’t
you…

"Fine," I muttered as I grabbed a plain black
dress out of the closet. Easing my string top off, I pulled my
dress on over my head. Stretching hurt my back and I winced when a
stab of pain hit me.

Kyle looked at me for a moment with an odd
expression…a saddened expression before masking his features and
walking over to me. I felt his hands skim my sides and then move
around to my lower back. "I love you," he whispered before placing
a kiss on my shoulder.

My anger evaporated and I sagged against him.
"I'm sorry. I'm just lonely today. Last night Cam…" I stopped.
There was no point dragging up the past or my screwed up dreams. "I
shouldn't take my bad mood out on you."

He slid the fabric of my dress down my body
before moving his hands around to my back to zip me up. "I just
want you to be happy, Lee."

"I know," I breathed.

Sometimes it was too much.

The feelings I had for Kyle…sometimes they
threatened to drown me.

****

Kyle

I had an infallible talent for making things
worse. Seriously, it was a gift. I seemed to make every situation
twenty times worse by just opening my mouth. I knew the moment I
walked Lee into the hotel restaurant I'd made a huge mistake. She'd
been so down in herself all day, missing Cam…I should have called
this dinner off. Derek had tried to warn me, but I'd thought…No, I
hadn't thought. I should have fucking thought. I was in serious
trouble.

"How could you, Kyle?" Lee whimpered and I
couldn't stop my ears from reddening, or my cheeks.

Yeah, I was an asshole.

I'd thought by inviting Tracy to dinner it
would give Lee the push she needed to break the ice. But I'd
obviously thought wrong. I had a pair of very angry gray eyes
boring into my skull and I didn't feel so smart now. Derek, who was
lounging in his seat at the table, with a half dozen empty shot
glasses in front of him, gave me two sarcastic thumbs up.
Asshole…

"Should I go?" Tracy mumbled from her seat
beside Derek and I swear my heart strings tightened.

That poor woman…

"No," I said at the same time Lee said,
"yes."

Tracy worried her lip clearly unsure of what
to do.

"Fine," Lee sighed as she dragged her chair
out roughly and sat down. It didn't slip my attention that she
winced when she sat. She was in pain… "If you want her here so
badly, Kyle, then you can talk to her. I have nothing to say
to..."

"I have," Tracy said quietly, halting Lee
mid-sentence. Lee glared across the table at her and Tracy seemed
to straighten her spine a little. "You don't have to say anything,"
Tracy urged in a desperate tone. "Not one word if you don't want
to. All you have to do is stay."

Lee frowned and wiped her eyes with the back
of her hands. "There's nothing…."

"Kyle told me how forgiving you are. Well,
I'm not asking for forgiveness. All I want is to spend some time
with you."

Lee stiffened for a moment before her
shoulders sagged slightly and her head nodded. "It's a good thing
you're not asking for forgiveness," she said quietly. "Because
that's something you will never get from me."

I released a breath when I saw Lee wasn't
leaving. Placing Hope's car seat on the floor, I sank my ass into
the chair next to hers, though I slid mine as far away as I could.
I'd a feeling I would need the space. She had high fucking heels on
and I wanted to keep my toes.

****

Lee

With deep reluctance I lowered myself onto my
seat, inhaled steadily and fought the urge to run. Looking up, my
eyes immediately sought and found Tracy. She sat less than two feet
away from me. I felt myself stiffen, my ankles locked together, and
my eyes roamed over the woman who claimed to be my mother. She was
looking at me with this…yearning look and I wanted to vomit. Her
yearning should have happened twenty years ago. Not now. My eyes
travelled over her face seeking a memory. One single memory.

I came up empty.

"You have a beautiful daughter," she told
me.

"I do," I replied bowing my head. Her stare
was too much.

"And a good man," Tracy mused in a dreamy
tone.

"
Good
wouldn't be a phrase I would use
for him right now," I managed to grind out through clenched teeth
as I glanced at Kyle. The side of his face–that I could see–was
red. He seemed to be extremely interested in his fingernails all of
a sudden. I turned to look at Derek, who was sitting opposite me at
the table.
'Chin up'
he mouthed as he gave me a reassuring
smile.