Falling for Grace (Four Winds) (22 page)

Still holding her up against the wall, Rafe broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against hers, absorbing her ragged breathing. 

"That's not all I want, Grace."

"You want to sleep with me."  Grace was so turned on right now, she was completely okay with the notion.

"No."  He didn't let go of her, his grip didn't lessen, and he didn't break eye contact.  Eyes intensely staring deep inside her, her vision clouded with the now familiar green haze that she attributed to Rafe's presence inside her mind.

For the first time since realizing that's what it signified, she wasn't angry at him.

"I want all of you, Grace.  I want you to give yourself to me and know that I would never do anything to hurt you.  Do you understand?  I need your love." 

She gulped, trying to tamp down the desire that still threatened to overwhelm her.  She had the need to kiss him again, to make him stop talking, to lick the Adam's apple that rose and fell when he spoke.  Grace managed to suppress the urges that threatened to overwhelm her and lower her legs from around his waist, straighten her skirt, and nod dumbly.  "I understand."

"But you're still not ready to do it, are you?"

She looked down at her feet, afraid to look at his face because she was scared she would tell him anything to get him to make her feel the feelings that his touch promised.  She slowly shook her head from side to side.  "I don’t know."  She swallowed again, feeling like shit.

Surprisingly, he embraced her, his warm arms enveloping her as he kissed the top of her head.  "That's okay.  I can wait."  Grabbing her hand, he led her back out into the main part of the club.  He found Uri and said something in his ear that Grace couldn't hear, and Uri looked at her and nodded, taking a sip of his water.  Making a shooing gesture to the both of them, he turned back to watch his wife dance with a gleam in his eye.

"Where are we going?"  Grace yelled to Rafe as he led her out of the club.

"Back to the hotel."

He must have sensed her elation, because he stopped and turned to her.  "We really need to talk some more.  We need to completely understand each other."  She nodded again and followed him silently.

Rafe called a cab, and while they waited, he put his arm around her, pulling her close against his side.  Grace just fit under his arm, and she inhaled deeply of his spicy smell.

"What is that?"

"What is what?"

"What kind of cologne do you wear?  I've never smelled it before, except maybe…" She wrinkled her nose.  "It's not patchouli, is it?"

He laughed out loud, the deep rumbling laugh that made Grace weak in the knees.

"It's not cologne.  It's just the way we smell.  Frankincense."

"Oh."

"Do you like it?"

She blushed, a deep red that she could feel crawling up her chest to her neck.  "Yes."

Pulling her closer, he said, "Good.  I like the way you smell, too."

A teasing smile graced her lips.  "What do I smell like?"

His face turned to her, leaning close so that she could smell his breath, fresh, and clean.  "Right now, you smell like vanilla and gardenias, with the ever present underlying scent of sunshine and the sea."

The taxi pulled up in front of them, and when Rafe told the driver where they were going, he raised an eyebrow.

"I know how far it is, we don't have a car.  Just take us, please."

A cab that would take them from Galveston to Texas City was an expensive ride, and Grace never would have paid it, but Rafe was adamant, and they didn't really have any other options, except to wait for everybody else and catch a ride with them.  Apparently, it was important to Rafe that they get back before the others.  The ride was silent, but the energy coursing between them was at an all-time high.  Grace could feel the crackle in the air, and looked over at Rafe to see him staring at her.

At the hotel, he led her silently through the lobby to the elevators.  In the elevator, Grace was a bundle of nerves, having no idea what to expect.  Rafe had held her hand the entire time, and he was still holding it, stroking the pad of her thumb with his, in a soothing gesture.  After the scene in the bar, Grace wasn't sure what to make of it.

He led her to a different hotel room than the one she'd been using.  Opening the door he said, "I got my own room today.  I'd like for you to stay here with me tonight."  He said it quietly, as if he was unsure of her response.

"I would like to, but I want to know what to expect, first."

He let go of her hand and walked across the room, shedding his overshirt and tossing it onto the bed before throwing himself down onto the chair facing a sofa.  He crossed his ankle over his knee and leaned back in the chair, eyes raking her body from head to toe.

"We need to talk tonight."

"So, talking?  That's all I can expect?"  The words didn't come out the way she'd intended for them to.  The way she said them, it sounded like she was put out that he didn't want to make love to her.  But that was far from the truth, sort of.

"I mean…"  Grace started to try to take it back, but realized the futility of it when she saw the blatant amusement in Rafe's eyes.  They were twinkling, and the wrinkles around the edges implied suppressed laughter.

"I'm turning human, Grace."  His eyes cleared of the twinkling laughter, and Grace knew that this was "the talk" he'd been wanting.  She sat on the couch, curling her feet underneath her.

"It's not complete, yet.  But archangels don't get hungry, or thirsty, or tired.  We don't get hurt, or bleed, or…" His voice lowered, "…horny."  He ran his hands through his hair, still loose around his shoulders from the club.  "I've been feeling things that Uri had to explain to me.  "Jealousy, anger, despondence.  Uri says these are all dark sides of the light.  That you cannot feel love without feeling these emotions too."  He leaned forward and reached for her hand.  She acquiesced, letting him grasp hers tightly.

He sighed heavily, and his eyes roamed around the room before landing on hers, where she could see that his were watery.

"Are you crying, Rafe?"  She asked him softly, unaware the words had left her lips.  She hadn't intended to speak at all, just listen to whatever it was he had to say.

He chuckled quietly.  "Probably.  It's just illustrating my point.  I feel it all when it comes to you, Grace.  All the pain, all the good.”  He swiped at the tears, and his voice changed.  It was angry with an edge of desperation, and it sounded strange coming from the usually affable Rafe.  “I’ve lost some powers.  I can’t head hop anymore with strangers, and my healing powers have faded.  I’m so different, but the strangest thing is all the negativity I’ve been feeling.  Damien was one thing, I’ve always detested him.  But strange men watching you play volleyball?  That kills me.  But I have to let it go.  I didn't realize that I can't have one without the other, don't you see?  I have to let go of the bad to focus on the good."

The hand that wasn't clutching hers came up to her face, and cupped it in the palm of his hand.  "As do you, Grace.  You also need to let go of the bad to focus on the good."

She shook her head, loosening his hold on her face.  Releasing his hand, she stood and started pacing the room.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Rafe."

"Your mother."

She spun on him, suddenly angry.  "What do you know about my mother?"

"Not much, just what I've gleaned here and there.  But your relationship with her has hurt your ability to have relationships of your own."

She turned her back on him again, but the quiet intensity of his voice left her feeling ragged.  He was right.

"It's not my relationship with my mother as much as it's the example of her relationship that she's given me."  Her voice was barely audible, even to her.

"Tell me about it, Grace."  When she didn't say anything, he prodded her.  "Please."

"She's been dating Carl for at least ten years, and all he does is use her.  She works two jobs to feed him and keep him in beer, while he just lays on the sofa playing video games all day long.  Then, he'll go out and cheat on her, and she takes him back.  Every God-damned time.  When I ask her why she does it, she says it's because she loves him.  She just can't help herself.  I don't want that kind of love, Rafe."

"I'm not offering that kind, Grace.  Have I ever taken a dime from you?  Do you truly believe that there's another woman out there for me?  It's you.  Since the first time I heard your silent pleas, it's been you.  It's always been you."

She snorted, stifling the rising jealousy, even as she knew she had to right to feel it.  "Yeah, right.  Since the beginning of time, out of all the women you could have had, probably have had, it's me.  Whatever."

"Grace.  I swear, as God is my witness, you are the only one.  He's chosen you for me.  The trite cliché applies here.  We were meant to be together.  The sooner you see that and let go of your past, the sooner we can be together.  You have to let go of the bad stuff so that you can see the good.  What exactly are you holding onto that's keeping you from enjoying a new life?"

"What new life?"

He smiled solemnly.  "A life with me."

Rafe didn't know what else he could say or do to convince Grace to trust him with her love.  That's what he needed her to do.  It was up to her now.

"That's all I wanted to say to you, unless you have something to say."  Calm suffused his outward manner, but his insides were roiling with tension.  He wanted her to say yes, that she loved him, that she couldn't live without him, she would give herself to him completely.

She was looking at him, with a strange emotion in her eyes.  Rafe didn’t know what exactly the emotion was, but it made hope swell in his chest.

Slowly, she began to talk.  “I want you Rafe.  I can’t deny that I want everything you’ve promised me.  A life with you sounds…impossible.”  He opened his mouth to say something, but she raised her hand to stop him.  He complied.  Whatever she wanted to say, he would listen and try to understand.  “But I want it more than anything.”  She stood and began pacing back and forth in the small room.  “It’s just, I’m having to change my entire way of thinking about guys for you, and it’s hard.  I know you’re not Carl, and I’m not my mom, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve programmed myself this way, for protection.” 

She turned to him, and the look in her eyes made Rafe want to hold her close to him and never let go.  He wanted to fill the emptiness inside her, to erase the pain.  Still, he stayed silent and let her talk.

“I like you, but what if it’s a mistake?  I’m nobody special.  I’m a twenty-four-year-old beach bum.  I’m a lifeguard, living with three other people.  I’m still in college, with no end in sight.  I’m nobody, Rafe.  How can this be meant to be?”

Again, he opened his mouth, but she wasn’t finished apparently, because she held her hand up to him once more and continued talking and pacing.

“You’ve lost your powers.  You’ve lost your…archangelness.  For a beach bum.  And you haven’t even tried to have sex with me.  How do you know we’ll be…”

He had to stop her right there.  He just
knew
.  He rose and strode across the room, grabbing her shoulders and turning her towards him, pulling her close, not giving her any room for misunderstanding.

"Because, I don't want to do it in that order."  The answer held finality, not leaving room for argument.  “I want you Grace.  In ways I’ve never thought possible.”  He'd never dwelled long in his corporeal form and hadn't seen the images of carnality that kept flashing through his mind when Grace was around.  Lord knows he'd pushed his limits with her.  He'd almost taken her at the club.  He'd stopped himself just by sheer will.

"Oh." 

He didn’t let go of her.  “Yes, I’ve lost my powers, and I’m not going to lie and tell you it was easy.  Uri helped me with that part of it.  He explained to me what exactly I was sacrificing for.  He showed me his love for Heather and how good it is.  How right it is.  How it’s everything I’ve ever wanted.  And more.”

Rafe lowered his voice to a whisper.  “And the Boss doesn’t make mistakes.”  He lowered his mouth to hers in a tender kiss.  He wanted her to understand his promise, his sacrifice, the rightness of it all.  He nibbled at her lips until she opened up to him, and then he thrust his tongue inside her mouth, using every bit of restraint he could to keep the kiss gentle.  Her body melted against his, and eventually he pulled himself from the swirling emotions rampaging through his head and ended the kiss, pushing her back gently.