Falling to Pieces (10 page)

“Nothing. She’s just teasing.” Only I know that Billie isn’t teasing. I can tell by the look on her face that she can read me like a book. She knows that no matter how hard I try to get rid of my feelings for Ivy, they keep popping back up.

9

Ivy

My second mistake was the nod. I had regretted that nod for the last year. Every time I think about that night I can’t figure out why I nodded. It was just a tiny gesture. I had hoped that it wasn’t what pushed Asher over the edge. I’ve continually told myself that he would’ve done the same thing even if I hadn’t nodded. But now I see that I was wrong. The nod was the deciding factor.

And the nod was the lie.

After Asher speeds away, I race toward the apartment with my dress swimming around my legs. My thoughts drift to Cam, causing my stomach to clench. If only we hadn’t gotten in a fight that night. Maybe then I never would’ve gone to Asher’s and our lives would have turned out differently. Cam wasn’t a bad guy. Sure he was a little controlling, and we fought a lot. In fact that night we had gotten into a fight because he wanted to have sex and I wasn’t ready. The truth is that I never would’ve been ready with him. I didn’t love him. I think he knew that and it angered him. But he didn’t deserve what happened to him. He didn’t deserve the chain of events that I put in motion.

The minute I get inside the apartment, I throw my purse on the kitchen table
, and pull out my phone with the intention of charging it. But then I see that I have numerous text messages. My chest tightens when I realize they’re from Mom saying that Grandpa’s in the hospital. Heart hammering in my chest, I pick back up my purse and hurry out to my car. As I slip into the driver’s seat, I’m grateful that I only drank half a beer. I guess my disgusting make-out session with Dustin was good for something.

Weaving through the streets toward the hospital, my hands clam up and I wipe them alternately on my legs. My mind is a jumble of prayers, all saying the sa
me thing – that my grandpa will be okay. I know he’s getting older and sicker, but he’s the closest thing to a dad I have left and I’m not ready to lose him. Finally I pull into the dark parking lot and shut off the car. Taking a deep breath, I step outside and run as quickly as I can in these stupid high heels.

Once inside, I check the texts to see what room Grandpa’s in. It’s not the first time I’ve been in this hospital to see him, and at this point I can navigate my way around pretty well. When I get to his room, I find M
om standing outside of the door holding her mouth like she just sucked on a lemon.

“Is he okay?” I ask breathlessly, pushing a strand of hair from my face.

“Where have you been?” she demands. “I’ve been texting and calling for hours.”

Shame washes over me. “I’m sorry.”

Her eyes lower to my outfit, and my shame deepens. “And why are you dressed like that?”

“I went out, okay?” I step around her
, and move toward the door to Grandpa’s room. “I wasn’t checking my phone.”

A shadow casts over my shoulder
, causing me to flinch. I sigh when I realize it's just a nurse, and I chastise myself for being so jumpy.

Mom notices the nurse too and smiles in my direction. “This is my daughter. S
he’d like to go in and see her grandpa if it’s okay.”

“Oh, yes, Ivy. He’s been asking about you,” the nurse says
, and I ignore the angry look that passes over my mom’s face.

The sight of Grandpa’s frail body in the hospital bed with tubes connected to his body steals away my breath. I swallow hard
, and fight with my stiff legs to keep them moving. The nurse must sense my hesitation because she gently pushes me forward with her hand.

“It’s okay, dear. He’s fin
e now,” she says.

I nod
, painting on my brave face before stepping up to his bed. For a moment his eyes are closed, and I study the spidery veins of his eyelids. I reach out and touch his hand, cradling his icy fingers in mine. He stirs and his eyelids slowly open.

“Hey there pretty lady,” he says in a raspy voice.

“Hi, Grandpa.”

He gives me a conspiratorial look. “Come to bust me out of here?”

I laugh lightly. “I wish. But no, I think they need to keep you in here a little longer.”

The nurse gives him a warning look before heading out the door. I let go of Grandpa’s hand just long enough to grab a chair and pull it over. After sitting in it, I place my hand over his again.

“So, are you feeling okay?” I ask. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, I’m fine. What about you?”

This catches me off guard. “I’m not the one in the hospital, Grandpa.”

“No, but you’re the one that looks like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

His words unnerve me. Sometimes I find it comforting that Grandpa can read me like a book, but sometimes it’s just irritating. It’s so hard to keep things from him. However, at times it’s necessary. Some secrets I have to take to my grave. Besides it would only worry Grandpa, and that’s something he doesn’t need right now. “I’m just concerned about you, that’s all.”

“Don’t worry about this silly old man. I can take care of myself.”

I raise a brow. “I think your situation says otherwise.”

Grandpa waves my words away. “Ah, this is nothing. I’ll be good as new tomorrow.”

“I know you will,” I assure him, because the truth is that I need to believe it too. Machines beep in the quiet room, and the white walls seem to close in around me. I squeeze his hand as if in comfort, but I’m really steadying myself.

“Don’t ever get old, Ivy. It stinks.” Grandpa jokes.

“Okay, I’ll do my best.”

“You didn’t get all dressed up for me, did you?” Grandpa asks with a slight smile.

I grin. “No, I went out tonight.”

“Did you go out with anyone special?”

Asher’s face flashes through my mind, and I bite my lip. “Yeah, but it’s not gonna work out.”

“Why not?”

I shake my head. “It’s just not meant to be.”

“You kids and you’re funny beliefs,” Grandpa says with exasperation. “There’s no such thing as meant to be or not meant to be. If you want something you go after it, you work hard and you make it yours. It’s as simple as that. Your life is your own, Ivy.
You have to take charge of it.”

“I wish it were that simple, and maybe at some point it was for us. But things have just gotten so complicated now.”

“Then make it less complicated.” Grandpa shoots me that serious look I’ve learned to watch out for over the years. “Unless you don’t want to, then move on. But if you really like this boy and you think he’s worth it, then figure out how to make it simple again.”

I
wonder if that’s even possible. Is there really a way to get back to the way things used to be with Asher and me, or have we screwed things up beyond repair?

I
barely make it inside the apartment when Billie descends on me. I’m so tired my eyes burn and I struggle to keep them open. My arms, neck and back are sore, and I think about Grandpa’s words about me carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.  This night has definitely been an emotional roller coaster.

“Ivy, I’ve been so worried.” Billie doesn’t look much better than me. Her mascara is smudged and rings her eyes, her hair is mussed and her lipstick has smeared off.
At least she’s changed into pajamas though. I can’t wait to get out of this dress. “Asher said he brought you home, but when I got here you were gone.”

“You saw Asher?
” At first I’m surprised, but then I remember. “Oh, that’s right. He had to go back to the party to pick up Cole.”

“I don’t know who Cole is, but I doubt that’s the
name of the blond he was with.”

My insides knot. “He was with that
blond girl again?” I toss my purse on the table, and sink down onto the couch. Billie follows me, tucking her pajama clad legs up under her body.

“Yeah, but for what it’s worth, I could tell he was totally thinking about you.”

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. She can have him.” I shake my head. “Sorry about not leaving a note, Billie. I came home and noticed that I had a gazillion texts from my mom. My grandpa’s back in the hospital.”

“I’m sorry,” Billie says.

“He should be fine. He was just having some chest pains and dizziness. I think he’ll be released tomorrow, but it’s getting more dangerous for him to live alone. Mom is thinking she needs to move him into her house within the next month or so.” I prop my elbow up on the couch cushions and rest the side of my head in the palm of my hand.

“
That sucks for your grandpa.”

“Seriously. I don’t think he’s in love with the idea.”

“Well, I’m glad he’s going to be okay.” Billie readjusts the pillow behind her back. “But what about you? It sounds like you had quite the evening.”

I blow out a breath. “That’s one way to put it.”

“I heard Asher hulked out when some guy pawed at you.”

I feel my cheeks warm. “Who told you that?”

“Actually the blond did.”

I
giggle. “I’m sure she didn’t appreciate Asher leaving her to come to my rescue.”

“Is that what happened?” Billie leans forward, her eyes alight with excitement. “Sounds super hot. I wish I’d been there.”

I shrug. “It was stupid. The whole thing was. I never should’ve let that guy kiss me, and I never should’ve let Asher take me home. I need someone to start making decisions for me, I swear. I just keep making bad ones.”

“Ooh, pick me, pick me.”

“You would like that, wouldn’t you, you control freak?” I roll my eyes.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Billie pouts.

“Well, maybe I’ll take you up on it at some point. In the meantime, just keep me away from Asher.”

10

Asher

It is evening
, and the air has only slightly cooled from the hundred degree temperatures of earlier in the day. Sweat slides down my shoulder blades as I continue running on the trail near the lake. Leafy trees only partially block out the sun. Rays still shine through the gaps, but I’m grateful for any shade I can get. When we were seventeen, I talked Ivy into running with me once. She had been complaining about her weight, which was silly because she’s never had a weight problem, but I got tired of hearing it so I told her if she was serious about getting fit she should run with me. She reluctantly agreed. We ran on this same trail, but we didn’t even make it a mile before she had to stop.

I’ll never forget the look on her face that day, her cheeks slick, her hair matted to her head. She was so mad at me
. She accused me of pushing her too hard. In retrospect she may have had a point. I’ve been running for years and I can get a pretty fast rhythm going. Suffice it to say that she never agreed to go with me again after that, no matter how often I asked her.

I round a corner and
the lake comes into view. The shimmery blue water beckons me. It would feel so good to jump in at this point, and it reminds me how warm it is outside. Pumping my legs faster, I hurry forward. Initially I went on the run to clear my head, but it seems that even running reminds me of Ivy. Is there an activity I haven’t done with Ivy? I can think of one right off the top of my head, but I’ve fantasized about it so many times that I’m not sure it counts.

It’s been over a week since the party
, and I’ve done my best to avoid Ivy. I’m assuming she’s doing the same thing. It’s likely that if I stay away from her apartment or restaurant, I could go the rest of the summer without running into her. The thought causes me to feel both comforted and bothered at the same time. 

My feet thud on the concrete as I emerge from the trail and make my way onto the sidewalk. I’m grateful when I reach my car. Once inside, I turn on the air conditioning and savor the cool air swirling around the front seat. I blast my favorite radio station to quiet my restless thoughts during the short drive back to my house. The minute I pull into the driveway I spot Cole sitting on the hood of his car next door talking with Michael. My stomach churns and I almost hide down in
my seat. But it’s too late. They’ve spotted me, and Cole waves in my direction.

I am not ready to see Michael. We haven’t spoken in over a year and I’m not sure how it will go when we finally do. Michael was Cam’s closest friend, and he’s never been known to be a forgiving guy. Since I can’t sit in my car for the rest of my life, I step out and return Cole’s wave. Michael’s death stare causes a chill to snake down my spine. I won’t fight back if the guy hits me. I’ve already done enough damage, so I’ll take what’s coming to me. Only I’m betting it won’t be pleasant
, and the thought turns my stomach.

“Heard you were back.” Michael
moves toward me, and I notice that he’s gained a lot of muscle since we last saw each other.

I swallow hard, hoping it wasn’t for my benefit. “Yeah. Just for the summer.”