Falling to Pieces (9 page)

Zipping up my jacket, I climbed out of the warm car and surveyed the path ahead of us. It didn’t look too complicated. My sneakers could probably withstand the abuse. Without attempting to take my hand again—which
, admittedly, was more than a little disappointing—Kiernan headed off down the path. Chastising myself for being so ridiculously needy, I sulked after him.

I’d
just
broken up with Doug. And that was it,
I’d
ended things.
Me.
And here I was, desperate for Kiernan to hold my hand? Was I incapable of being on my own for five seconds? I’d taken care of myself my entire life. I certainly didn’t need some boy to do it.

We’d covered what I’d guess was close to a quarter mile before Kiernan veered off the path and I came to a dead stop. “Where are you going?”

“It’s an animal trail. Not as well-worn as the hiking path, but it’s worth the effort. Trust me.”

I scanned the thicker undergrowth with a critical eye and reexamined my footwear, imagining walking around for the rest of the winter with holes in them. But when Kiernan
offered me his hand, there wasn’t a chance I’d say no.

With his help, I climbed over fallen trees, around boulders and even hopped a small stream. It was quite the adventure, but I was beginning to wonder what the point of all of it was when we broke into a small clearing.

“So, what do you think?”

As they so often did around Kiernan, words failed me. But this time it had absolutely nothing to do with the boy standing beside me, and everything to do with where we were standing.

It was . . . indescribable. The stream we’d forged earlier opened up into a creek that meandered through the grassy meadow. A few patches of hearty wildflowers still clinging to life added sprays of purple, white, and blue to the scene. All around us, the only sounds were the leaves blowing and the water rippling.

It was like time had stopped. We’d found a place to escape the world. A refuge from reality. The one thing I needed more than anything else. I couldn’t believe it actually existed.

“Wow.” It slipped out on a breath barely loud enough to be heard and Kiernan grinned.

“Come on.”

Allowing myself to be tugged along, farther into the open space, I felt the sun warming my shoulders. It sparkled in the clear water like bits of broken glass.

“Nice, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” My mind hunted for more words while my eyes were distracted by everything around me. “It’s . . . amazing.”

Not entirely accurate—it was so much more than that—b
ut that was the best I was going to do under the circumstances.

“I found it by accident one day when I was out hiking
over the summer.” Kiernan plopped down in the grass and I lowered myself beside him. “I come here sometimes to think.”

“I’d come here to hide.”
I wanted to slap a hand over my mouth.
Who says things like that?
I balled it into a fist at my side, instead.

“Hide from what?”

“I don’t know. Life?” I shrugged, using the birds flitting from tree to tree as an excuse to avoid looking at Kiernan. “It’s so private here. And quiet . . . Like a secret.”

“Well, it’s our secret now. You ever need to hide, you can come here. Just don’t try to hide from me. I’ll always find you.”

His words sent a shiver up my spine that had nothing to do with the dipping temperatures. “It’s so peaceful here.”

“Yeah, that’s what I like about it. It feels like a timeout, like a break from how crazy life can get sometimes.” Kiernan grew quiet and I risked a peek to find him looking altogether uncomfortable. An unnatural look for him. “I kind of think this is what Heaven is like.”

“Really?” I don’t know why that surprised me so much, but it did. Heaven wasn’t something I thought about very often. “I thought Heaven was all clouds and golden gates, or whatever.”

“Hmm.” Kiernan
lay back on the grass, tucking an arm beneath his head. A tug on my sleeve had me following his lead. Side-by-side, we lay on the surprisingly soft grass, gazing up at the puffy, white clouds floating overhead. “Like that?”

I considered everything I knew about religion, which admittedly wasn’t much, and shrugged. “Yeah. I guess.”

“Well, I like this better.” Kiernan’s voice was deep and filled with something I couldn’t identify.

Rolling onto my side, I found his gaze riveted on me instead of the clouds. Whatever it was I’d heard in his voice, it was there in his eyes, as well. I couldn’t name it, but it warmed me all the way to my bones. “Me, too.”

I’m not sure if my hand sought out Kiernan’s or the other way around, only that they intertwined as we lay there silently enjoying the moment of rare peace we’d found together.

Nine

“Hey!”

Spotting Kiernan leaning against his car in front of my building, I nearly stumbled over my own two feet while simultaneously scanning the parking lot as though it may be some kind of hallucination. Not likely, given the way the nosy lady from next door was eyeballing him from her window.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check on you.”

“Check on me?”

He shrugged, studying my face closely. “You’re okay?”

Was this
all about my break up with Doug? Yes, I wasn’t excited for my first day back to school post-Doug, but I was pretty sure I’d survive. Kiernan didn’t seem quite as convinced from the way he was looking at me.

“I’m fine.”

His deepening frown confused me even further. Was I not supposed to be fine? I had been with Doug for a long time. Did it make me a bitch that I got over him so easily? Could Kiernan tell how selfish my time with Doug had been?

“Let’s go for a ride.” Kiernan rounded to the hood of the car to join me on the sidewalk.

“What?”

“You up for another adventure?”

“Kiernan, I can’t keep missing school. And neither can you. Plus, I have a paper due in English today. I can’t go.” His shoulders slumped and I got the impression there was more weighing on them than just disappointment. “What’s going on?”

“I . . . You didn’t get any messages over the weekend, did you?”

“What messages? No one has my number.”

“No emails?”

“No computer. I only check emails at school.” A sickening feeling was beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach. “Tell me what’s going on.”

He swallowed hard and glanced away from me, chewing his lower lip. It might have been a distracting sight had I not been so intensely focused on whatever it was he was hiding from me.

“Kiernan?”

“Doug.”

Umm . . . “What?”

“He . . .” Kiernan’s jaw clenched and he shut his eyes for a moment before continuing. “He had some pictures. Of you. He . . . spread them around.”

My heart went from racing to complete standstill in an instant. My entire body locked up . . . except for my mouth. “What kind of pictures?”

Pity filled Kiernan’s eyes, and I gasped. No. It wasn’t possible. Wracking my memory
, I recalled a few instances where he’d pushed as far as underwear together—never any further—but there had never been a camera involved. I never would have agreed to that.
Ever
.

If he had pictures of me like that . . .
“Oh, my God.”

“Jade, it’s okay. I—”

“It is
not
okay!”

He pressed his lips together
, at a loss as to what to say next.

“No,” he whispered, shaking his head slowly. “It’s not okay. It’s not okay, at all. But
you’re
going to be okay.”

“I’m not—”

“You will. I promise.” His hands closed around the arms I’d folded protectively across my chest. I focused entirely on those two points of contact and slowly got my breathing under control.

“They all saw it? All of them? I can’t go back there. Kiernan, I can’t show my face—”

“You can. And you will. I won’t leave your side for a second. I swear.”

“Kiernan,” I groaned, wishing I’d taken up his offer
of that adventure.

“Jade, you’re going to be okay. We’ll get through this together.”

I shut my eyes as his arms came around me, pulling me into his solid chest. Couldn’t I just spend the day there, like that? That would have been nice.

***

“Do you have them?” We’d been sitting in Kiernan’s car, parked in the senior lot for almost fifteen minutes, waiting on me to gather up enough courage to move another inch.

“What?”

“The pictures. Do you still have them?”

“No.” Kiernan looked disgusted by the idea. “Of course not. I deleted that crap as soon as I saw what it was.”

“But it’s still there, right? In your trash folder or whatever?”

He shifted in his seat, pulling one leg up onto the seat to fully face me. “Maybe. I guess. Why?”

“I want to see them.” It may have been a stupid idea, but I needed to know just how bad this was. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe you couldn’t see my face, or they were blurry, or dark. Maybe this wasn’t so bad.

“No! Absolutely not.” All hope turned to ash with Kiernan’s adamant refusal. He wasn’t going to lie to me. He hadn’t even tried to convince me they weren’t as bad as I was thinking. Because they were.

“Kiernan. I can’t—”

“Come on. No more stalling. We’re going in there. We’re going to face this, right now. No more hiding. Show them you have nothing to be ashamed of. Doug’s the one who should be ashamed. Not you.”

Easy for him to say.

If it hadn’t been for Kiernan all but dragging me through the back door, I was damn near certain I never would have set foot in that building again. No one would have been surprised if I dropped out. I doubt anyone would have even noticed. And it’s not like I
needed
the diploma. Kiernan didn’t seem to really care about any of that, though. He was hell bent on getting me back in there.

As the door clanged shut like some kind of ominous gong foretelling my future, I tried to shake him off. I was about to become a social pariah—as if I weren’t enough of one already. I was the freaking black plague on popularity. Kiernan didn’t need to be infected right along with me.

His grip on my hand only tightened, and he laced his fingers through mine. “Knock it off. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

“I don’t need a
chaperone.” He wanted me there, I was there. And I could already feel the stares burning through my clothes, no longer having to imagine what lay beneath because they already knew.

Oh, God, I was going to be sick.

“Maybe
I
do. Because, I’m telling you, if I see that sick son of a bitch . . .” Kiernan shook his head slowly and I could see it in his eyes. They weren’t just idle words. If Doug was in the building he’d better steer clear of Kiernan Parks.

The hushed voices and bursts of laughter that followed us throughout the morning were bad enough, but it was the looks—the silent stares—that made me want to bury my head in the sand and disappear. Girls looked at me as though I’d somehow betrayed our entire gender. And the guys . . . Their leering and suggestive smirks
made the dirty feeling go bone-deep.

True to his word, Kiernan didn’t leave my side. He delivered me to each and every classroom, relatively unscathed, and was there to collect me the moment the bell rang. We barely spoke. He knew I was just trying to make it through the day. And with him throwing menacing glares at anyone in a five foot radius, no one else dared say anything to me directly, either. And Doug? Him I hadn’t seen all day, which wasn’t uncommon without me going out of my way to do so . . . until lunch.

I stood outside the cafeteria doors, clinging to the edge of a cataclysmic meltdown. Going in there would be like walking into a lion’s den.
He
was in there. They were
all
in there.

“Can’t I just eat in the library? I packed my lunch. Or maybe we could sit in your car?” I was practically begging Kiernan for mercy.

“No.” Kiernan shook his head, the merciless bastard.

“Kiernan—”

“You can’t keep hiding from everyone because it’s not just them you’re hiding from. You’re hiding from yourself. And if you keep that up, you’ll start to forget who you really are.”

“What if I don’t want to remember who I really am?” My entire body started to tremble and the words just sort of fell out in a moment of weakness.

“Then you’ve already started to forget. So let me remind you. You’re a strong girl, Jade. Tougher than anyone gives you credit for. And smarter.” He held up a finger when I opened my mouth to object. “Even if you can’t see it. You are. And you know what else you are?”

I was almost afraid to ask. “What?”

“Brave. You’re brave, Jade, because you’re going to walk in there, look them all in the face and show them they can’t scare you. Show Doug that he hasn’t won.”

Okay, that last part sounded good, but the rest of it . . . “I don’t know if I can.”

“I do.”

Arguing was futile. Kiernan wrapped a protective arm around my shoulders and ushered me inside. It was one of those surreal moments. The kind where time seems to stop and everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion. I swear you could suddenly hear a cricket chirping as every eye in the room came to us.

Kiernan didn’t miss a beat. He strode the both of us across the crowded room to a vacant table, and pulled out a chair for me. I took it—anxious to make myself as small as possible—and when he sat beside me, the chatter picked back up. Low enough for them to pretend they were whispering, but loud enough that I heard every word.

“I thought she was with Doug?”

“He dumped her because she was sleeping with Kiernan Parks.”

“I can’t believe it.”

Slut.

Tramp.

Look at those clothes.

That hair.

Why would anyone want her?

“Ignore them.” Kiernan pulled out a sandwich that looked like it had more meat crammed onto it than a pig roast. My limp PB&J looked pathetic next to it. “Where’s the rest of your lunch?”

The fact that I was conserving bread by only making
half
a sandwich didn’t help. “I’m not hungry.”

The frown on Kiernan’s face told me he wasn’t buying it for a second.
He pulled out a thermos and fiddled with the lid before sliding it over to me. “Do me a favor and open that?”

If he couldn’t get the thing open, I didn’t know what he expected from me, but I gave it a shot, anyway. Twisting with all of my might
, I nearly toppled the entire thing when the lid came right off. Steaming chicken noodle soup. The guy brought soup to school for lunch. Who did that?

“Try some.” He held out a plastic spoon and I frowned at it.

“I don’t need your food.”

“I didn’t say you needed it.” He chewed a large bite and swallowed before elaborating. “My mom makes the best chicken noodle soup. It’s my duty as a good son to brag about it and make you try some.”

“Kiernan—”

“Share it with me. Please?” He put his sandwich down and folded his arms like he refused to take another bite until he got his way. Juvenile, but effective.

Taking the plastic spoon he offered, I blew on a small bite before slipping it in my mouth. He wasn’t lying; his mom really did make the best soup I’d ever tasted in my life. “That’s delicious.”

“Told
ya so.” He went back to his sandwich and I had to force myself not to inhale the entire bowl without him.

More than nutrients, the
unconventional meal served as the perfect distraction. Everything else faded away as I focused solely on the warm, salty flavors coating my tongue, and the ridiculous jokes Kiernan kept cracking about his mother and her obsession with all things cooking and/or baking. I couldn’t imagine it, but he assured me we’d both be buried alive in homemade cookies come Christmastime. Definitely a first for me, I could go for that.

“Look who decided to
show her face in public.”

We were cleaning up when his voice came from behind us, grating like razor blades on my already overexposed nerves. Kiernan’s hands wrapped around the arms of his chair in a white knuckled grip, and I already knew this wasn’t going to end well. Tucking away most of my uneaten sandwich, I refused to look at him, fervently hoping Doug would just go away. Like that would ever happen

“Moved on already, I see. That didn’t take long.”

Kiernan spun around in his seat, still gripping one arm as though it were the only thing keeping him from flying right out of it. “Leave her alone.”

“You’re her new protector? It’s a thankless job, isn’t it? But the fringe benefits . . .” Doug grinned, lapping up the spotlight, shining down on the spectacle he was making of all of us.

“You son of a—” Kiernan let go of the chair and the only thing keeping him in it was the hand I placed on his arm.

“He’s not worth it.” I could literally feel the rage pouring off of him.

“Neither is she, man. It may seem like it now, but in the long
run, her skills are limited to—”

That did it. Kiernan pulled free of my desperate grasp and got to his feet, drawing the attention of every last person in the room. “You don’t know shit about her. What, you took some pictures without her knowledge or her consent? All that proves is that you’re a pervert. She should have you arrested for sexual harassment.”

“I didn’t take the pictures.” Doug’s hands went up in mock innocence as he smirked in the face of Kiernan’s anger.

“But you passed them around.”