Fashionably Dead in Diapers (24 page)

A mirrored ball began to rotate over their heads and the band started to play “Little Red Corvette”
.
I couldn't look. It was too horrible. I wracked my brain for a plan B. I was going to have to save all of them now. Where in the Hell was The Kev? I was definitely going to need him.

"Oh my galaxies!" Lulu gasped with pleasure. "They are so cute and they can sing. It's not great, but I don't feel the need to hurl anymore."

Wait. What? She thought they were cute? Was she smoking crack? Huhu obviously agreed. She was clapping and singing along. However, Lulu was correct. They weren't awful. They were bad, but not awful.

Slowly Fairies in the audience began to sway and sing along. They were loving it. Martha and Jane were in Heaven if their pelvic thrusts and obscene gyrations were any indication. They sang their old lady hearts out and the Fairies were screaming with unabashed hero worship. Never in my life had I seen anything so redonkulous.

The Simon and The Randy were on their feet cheering, but The Paula was passed out on the table. I was unsure if it was the performance or the Fairy Juice. It didn't matter—all Martha and Jane needed were two yes votes to win—actually one. All of the rest of the contestants had gotten zero yes votes. The only unhappy person was The Corrine. She was clearly pissed that there would be no decapitations tonight. She shouldn't be so sad. There were definitely going to be some heads rolling tonight—just not Martha and Jane's.

Martha and Jane ended their medley in a bizarre version of the splits and the crowd went bonkers. The Simon ran out and tackled the old bags with joy and the emcee ran out with a huge trophy. Martha and Jane sobbed and bowed over and over as the Fairies tried to touch their new Goddesses. Unbelievable, but good. They were safe. I hoped.

"Oh my stars," Lulu said. "I want to wrap them up and keep them!"

"I get one too," Huhu said.

They were nuts, but I had no time to explain how insane the two old bats were. It was time for the finale. My finale.

"Are you guys ready?" I was poised for flight. I still had no clue what I was going to do, but I'd figure it out as I went. I was fifty-nine percent sure that the Mini Elves would follow my lead and not fuck me up. Decent odds.

"Wait," Susu screamed and held onto me before I plunged into the chaos. "The Ho-bag From Hell is going to speak. She's got Ethan with her.”

It was against everything in me to hold back, but we needed to hear what she said. Hopefully it would determine my next move.

"Ladies and gentlemen," she purred as she ran a manicured nail down Ethan's face. Her beauty was mesmerizing, but her insides were rotten. He turned his head as she tried to kiss him and the crowd tittered uncomfortably. She turned on them with a look so vicious we gasped from all the way up in the rafters.

"This is fucked," Susu murmured.

I couldn't have agreed more.

"I'd like to announce the wonderful news. I am to be mated to Jon Bon Jovi. Tonight," she said as the Fairies clapped excitedly. "Jon Bon Jovi will be our King and the child of the one who wrongly calls herself the True Queen shall be mine!"

The crowd clapped again, but whispers ran rampant through the rows of the Fairies. Maybe they weren't all her loyal subjects. Fuck. A mass blowup of Fairies was now out of the question. I could not kill innocent people, but how in the Hell was I going to be able to tell the difference? I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.

She wrapped her arms around Ethan and literally humped him on the stage. A rage akin to the one I felt earlier bubbled to the surface and I seethed with fury. Sparks flew off of me and not just from my fingertips. I was literally one big rainbow of deadly glittering flames.

"Oh shit," Huhu squeaked. "What do we do?"

"Make me big," I hissed. "Make me big now. Do it," I yelled as the flames around my body increased. There was no way in Hell a flaming hummingbird was going to cause enough damage. I needed to be me. "Now," I hissed as they backed away in fear.

They grabbed hands and chanted. Susu began glowing first and the others soon followed. I had not seen anything so stunning ever. I felt something twitch inside of me as the chanting became more intense and the glowing ramped up to where I couldn't actually look at them anymore. It hurt getting little, but that was nothing compared to what happened next. I would have welcomed death in the short minutes that it took the voodoo to make me big.

Glancing at myself, I grimaced and grinned. I was alive and I was back. The rafters were no longer a comfortable place to be, which was fine. I had no intention of watching anymore. It was my turn to take center stage. I jumped and I flew letting rage carry me forward. I landed with an ungraceful thud, but I didn't give a shit. Most of these fuckers wouldn't even be alive to talk about this evening when all was said and done.

Chapter 20

Teaching your child that good conquers evil may seem like a good idea. However, this doesn't always hold true. Most of the time it does, but not without a massive clusterfuck. Also, do not use the word clusterfuck around your child. This will cause problems when he goes to kindergarten. Trust us. We know.

"Who in the Hell are you?" The Corrine screamed in fury as Ethan quickly moved to my side. He dropped his Bon Jovi disguise and his fangs emerged from his gums. The crowd gasped, but none louder than The Corrine.

"Ethan?" she said in a little girl voice that made me want to gag. "You've come back to me." She sighed in ecstasy, fell to her knees and kissed his feet.

"Get up, skank. He's not yours," I said as I kicked her away.

"Kill her," The Corrine screeched from the floor.

Oh my Hell, I did not have time for this shit. As an army of Fairies advanced on me, I waved my arm violently. Thousands of Fairies froze and went airborne, but that wasn't the best part. Nope. All the male Fairies sported double Ds, press-on nails, frizzy hair and a full face of garish makeup. The female Fairies now were the proud owners of unibrows, mustaches, long gnarly leg hair and tiny penises. The Fairies that weren't frozen midair screamed in terror and ran like the Devil was on their heels from the ballroom. It was all kinds of awesome and my Mini Elves shrieked with glee.

I turned to The Corrine and curtsied—just like Martha and Jane. She deserved no less than me pretending to take a crap on her solid gold floor. "I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Astrid and you're dead."

Her bellow of rage shook the room. She lunged at me with such hatred I took a step back. Violent magic seeped from her every pore. It was going to get ugly fast. Quickly I flicked my fingers at her, trapped her magic and froze her in a very unflattering position. Even though the hanging Fairies were mortified at their new looks I heard quite a few laughs at The Corrine's predicament. And just so she didn't feel left out I flicked my hand at her again. She now looked like the rest of her people, tiny penis and all. I turned away from her. She was the very least of my problems right now.

I needed to do something before all Hell broke loose and I knew this was the best time to get it over with. This was going to suck ass, but I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't come clean. Not that anyone would want to hear what I had to say—I still had to say it. I turned to Ethan and gathered my courage.

"Ethan, I have to say something to you."

"What do you want to say to me, Astrid?" he asked softly as he stood next to me. His eyes turned a brilliant green. He was so very beautiful I wanted to cry.

"Don't say anything until I finish."

"I promise," he said as he watched me curiously.

Here goes nothing. "I love you, Ethan. I know that's wrong, but I needed you to know. It seems ridiculous since I've only known you for a few days, but I do." The words flew quickly and awkwardly from my mouth.

He stared up at the ceiling and my stomach plummeted to my toes. Shitshitshit, I had started this and I was going to finish it.

"I know you love your mate and I don't care that you can never love me back. Well, actually I do, but that's selfish and wrong. She's a very lucky woman and I wish you the best. Shit—honestly, I don't, but it's the polite thing to say. It's probably wrong that I'm telling you this, but I have to. I want you to know that I'm going to leave my husband when we get back to wherever we're from because it's not fair to him. It's wrong to be with a person when you love another. I hope he understands and I really hope I don't have twenty-two children. It would absolutely suck to be a single mother to that many kids. Anyway, you don't need to hear that part. That's my problem and I will deal with it."

I wasn't sure, but it looked like Ethan was laughing. He couldn't be…that was impossible. Martha and Jane looked so confused I almost giggled, but nothing was very funny at the moment. Plus, I wasn't quite done.

"When we get back, I will take my seventeen children and I'll go away—far away. You'll never have to see me again. I won't disrupt your life because I love you too much. I understand that this is mortifying for you, but I had to tell you. Please forgive me."

I looked at my feet and wanted to die. Why did I just do that? Had I truly lost my entire mind? Yes, I had. However, I felt free. I could now kill a shit load of Fairies and if I died I would have no reason to come back as a ghost and bare my soul to him. Wait. Did ghosts even exist? Slowly I glanced up, expecting to be laughed at or dismissed. What I saw shocked me to the core.

Ethan closed the gap between us and pressed his lips to my forehead. "You love me even though you don't know who I am to you," he marveled as he took my face in his. "You are my miracle and I don't care if your memory never comes back. We will make new ones together. You are mine, Astrid. You always have been and you always will be."

I was as confused as Martha and Jane at this point. Did he love me too? How was that possible? "What about your wife? You have a wife," I stuttered as I pressed my cheek to his hand. It felt so perfect—so right.

"She will understand." He lowered his lips to mine and kissed me with such reverence that tears filled my eyes. I breathed him in and felt like I was home. I wasn't sure his wife would understand, not to mention my husband, but I pushed those thoughts away. I couldn't believe this man loved me. How did I get so lucky?

"Enough," The Corrine yelled from her frozen position. Damn it, I'd forgotten to weld her mouth shut. "He's mine. He will always be mine. I can make him stay."

She was fucking insane.

"Unfreeze me or I will send the word to maim the baby. He's a horrible child and I hate him," she hissed. "He has ruined my palace and turned hundreds of Fairies all colors of the spectrum, but Ethan loves him," she spat with disgust. "That is how I will bind him to me, you stupid whore. I will destroy the child unless Ethan mates with me. Tonight," she screamed at a volume that echoed through the ballroom with its vitriol. The Fairies began to wail and moan.

I was many unflattering things, but whore was not amongst them. I'd had enough of her. She wanted to be unfrozen? Fine. She'd get her wish and then regret it.

"You're supposed to trade the child for the life of the false Queen. It is her baby," a dangling Fairy yelled angrily. "Not to use as bait to get a worthless Vampyre."

I was now quite pleased I'd forgotten to mute all my prisoners. The angry rumblings from the crowd were going to work in my favor.

"You know," I said as I walked to the end of the stage and faced the floating Hell that hung before me. "It's not Gemma's baby. The false Queen is The Corricukee and she stole the wrong child. Your True Queen has no child. You have nothing to barter with, you assholes."

"She lies," The Corrine shouted. "And my name is The Corrine, you heathen."

"That's what I said." I smiled sweetly. "And I wouldn't use the word heathen around me. My Uncle God won't like it."

The crowd gasped. They were wondering who in the Hell I was. I only wish I knew…

"Oh shit," Susu screeched.

Oh shit and then some…I had not taken into account the power of The Corrine. She broke the spell and ran to the side of the stage. She raised her arms and all of the Fairies dropped to the ground with sickening thuds. This was bad. They rushed the stage and all Hell broke loose. The Corrine took off through a side door. Damn it, I have to deal with her later. There were entirely too many Fairies coming at us.

"Motherfucker," Martha yelled as she decapitated two fairies that had jumped onto the stage. "There's a shitload of these homosexual bastards."

"Now, now, Martha," Lulu admonished her as she tore into and began to eat a Fairy. "That's rude and untrue. You mustn't speak like that."

"Sorry," Martha grunted as she maimed three more Fairies that were gunning for her.

How in the Hell did Lulu do that? I'd been admonishing them for their un-PC comments for years.

The sheer amount of Fairies coming at us was overwhelming. Our odds were bad. I contemplated blowing them all up, but I was certain not all of them were pure evil. They lived in abject fear of an evil ruler—they were pawns in her game. I couldn't kill innocent people. It was wrong. Shitfuckshitfuckshit. Ethan was tearing through Fairies like they were paper and I had destroyed my share too, but how much more could we take? There were seven of us and hundreds of them.