Fashionably Dead in Diapers (20 page)

"How in the cocksucking Hell were you
kind of
kidnapped?" I yelled. I glanced over at Susu who nodded her approval of the way I worked in the legal swear word cock.

"Well," Martha started slowly. "Those fucker Fairies tried to take the baby. We love that wild little thing more than our own lives so Jane here bit the son of a bitch so hard in the ass that her fangs got stuck. He tried to shake her off, but she didn't budge. You should have seen it. That asshat was twerking he was in so much pain. Jane was flopping around like a ragdoll, but she wasn't gonna let go for nothing. I have false teeth so that wouldn't have worked out for me."

"Go on," I said. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The story was beyond absurd.

"Yep, my teeth were stuck in the fucker’s ass," Jane said proudly. "So Martha here took hold of his nuts and twisted the shit out of them. Ethan was busy ripping the head off of the other one, which was mighty impressive I must say. Anyhoo, Martha had hold of his boys and she shoved them back up into his stomach." Her grin was psychotic, but I was slowly beginning to respect the old biddies. "His voice got real high and tinny and the wimp was sobbing like a girl. She tried to pry little Sammy out of his hands, but he was a strong little bitch. So she just wrapped her hands around his limp pecker and held on for dear life. Next thing we knew we were in this stupid ass amusement park locked up like prisoners."

"Okay then." I was at a slight loss for words. They were certifiable, but they were brave. Ethan was going to have to reward them somehow for trying to defend his son's life—if Ethan and his son were still alive. "I'm going to break you out of here and we're going to get that baby. Ethan has been taken by the Fairies and I have no clue where The Kev is at the moment."

"The gay Fairy?" Jane asked.

"He’s not…" The memory came back. I'd had this conversation before, but thanks to The Dave it didn't hurt. It was a little weird, but not painful. Silently I thanked The Dave. I still had secret hopes that he would adopt me. "He's not gay. Gemma's not his beard and I never should have had you two idiots turned into Vampyres." I rolled my neck as another uncomfortable feeling rolled through me.

"You're remembering and not in the fetal position anymore," Susu noted as she flitted around my head.

"The Dave gave me a gift."

She nodded reverently. "He is goodness."

"Yep, so as I was saying…"

"Oh sweet Puck in harem pants," The Reggie said breathlessly as he came up behind us. "Thank goodness I found you. Everything is a mess."

"Hey sexy pants," Martha yelled as The Reggie blushed furiously.

Oh my Hell. He did think they were sexy.

"Show me that sweet ass, you tiger," Jane cooed and gave him a shimmy that made her torpedo tits sway in a very unflattering way.

"Girls, you are too much," The Reggie said as he preened, yanked down his pants and displayed his backside for all to see.

"Dude, pull up your pants now," I snapped in a partial state of shock. What was happening here? "Do you know where Ethan is and who took him?"

"He's in the Palace with The Corrine. I'm not sure who took him, but The Corrine wants him to become her mate."

"What the fuck?" Jane shouted. "He already has a mate, you assburger."

"Stop." I turned and gave Jane a look so harsh, I was sure she swallowed her tongue. "Does The Corrine think he's Jon Bon Jovi?"

"I am so fucking confused right now," Martha muttered.

"Yes, she does. However, if she knew who he really was, she would want him even more," The Reggie told us. I could tell he wanted to show us his ass again. His hands were poised to yank his pants back down.

"If you pull down your pants again, I will give you a ‘permanent tap that ass’ Kim Kardashian ginormo-butt. Do you understand?" I eyed him and he backed away. His squeal of terror was lovely. I was definitely getting my mojo back.

"Yes," he whispered. "Do you want me to help you free the goddesses?"

"What goddesses?"

"Us, you dumbass," Jane said, completely insulted.

Weird was my new normal. No, scratch that…Fucked up was my new normal. "Yes, The Reggie. That would save me some time and effort. I would appreciate it. Thank you."

He pulled a set of keys from his pocket and opened the lock.

"Is the baby Samuel okay?" I asked as I glanced around for Susu. Where the Hell did she go?

"The baby is fine for now," he answered as he stepped into the cell and laid a wet one on Martha and then Jane. My gag reflex kicked in and I turned away in horror.

That was my first real mistake of the day—and possibly a fatal one.

When I assumed they were done with the PDA, I turned back only to be violently shoved on my ass by a freaked out The Reggie. WTF? He frantically slammed the door of the cell and locked it. I was now locked in the cage with Martha and Jane and The Reggie was on the other side. Not good.

"What's going on?" I shouted and grabbed the bars. "What are you doing?"

"You'll be safe here," he cried out as he backed quickly away from the cell. "I was supposed to keep you safe. You are safe now."

"Son of a bitch," I screamed. "Come back here."

"I can't. I'm sorry." He ran like the Devil was on his heels.

In my fury I shot his departing backside with a blast of magic that would surely result in something heinous. I heard his gasps and screams as he sprinted away. I had no clue what I'd done to him, but I prayed it was hellacious. I rested my head on the bars. I wanted to cry. What else could go wrong?

"Can you sing?" Martha asked.

"Martha, shut your piehole. I have to think."

"No, seriously Boobs, can you sing?" she asked again. I was so close to zapping her ass.

"I'm fairly sure the future of the world is at stake and you’re asking me if I can sing?" I rolled my eyes and banged my head on the bars.

"Listen to her," Jane insisted.

"Fine. No. No, I can't sing," I said as I began to pace the small cell.

"We're fucked," Jane groaned.

"No shit, Sherlock," I snapped. "Wait. What are you talking about?"

"We cut a deal. If we win
American Idol
tonight we get our freedom. If we lose we get decapitated," Jane told me with a delighted smile on her face. "I was thinking you could join us if you could sing. We're doing our Prince medley."

She was insanity personified.

"Well, it was nice knowing you. I have to get out of here." I rattled the bars of the cell and realized it was warded with some pretty fucked up magic. How did I let a wimpy Fairy lock me in a cell? "When I get out of here I'm gonna kill The Reggie so dead, there will be nothing left of him."

"But he's our boyfriend," Martha protested. "He's one of the good guys."

"No," I said in a voice that would probably cause them nightmares for the next century or so. "He is
not
a good guy. He just signed a death warrant for Ethan, the baby and possibly The Kev."

"Well, fuck me running naked through Times Square on New Year’s Eve," Jane wailed. "That assjacket had us fooled. Do you think the shit weasel was using us?"

"Don't know. Don't care," I said. "Stand back. I'm busting us out of here."

"Hell to the yeah," Martha cheered. "I'm gonna remove that Fairy's pecker with a dull butter knife."

"Awesome," I muttered as I pulled up magic from deep inside. Black glitter covered my arms and chest and flaming green sparks flew from my fingertips. Jane and Martha cowered in the corner as I aimed at the lock and fired.

Nothing.

"What the Hell?" I ran to the lock and examined it. It was as if nothing had blasted it. My gut clenched and my fury grew. I backed up, gritted my teeth and tried again. Sparks and bursts of purple fire bounced off the walls as we all ducked to avoid frying to a crisp.

Nothing.

This wasn't happening. I thought I was a True Immortal. I was one of the most powerful magical beings in the universe and I couldn't break out of a prison cell?

"Why can't I break it?"

"Dude, you're not at full power because you don't have all of your memory," Susu said as she floated into the cell through the bars.

"Where in the Hell have you been?" I demanded. "I could have used a little help."

"I went to say hi to The Dave." She was ashen faced and ashamed. "I am so sorry."

"What are you and what the Hell can you do?" Jane asked as she examined Susu with narrowed eyes.

"I'm a Mini Elf. I like to kill things and eat them," she said as Martha and Jane quickly backed up and hid behind me. "No worries." Susu giggled. "I only eat bad guys. Big ones."

"Oh…well, in that case, nice to meet you," Jane said as she dropped into what I assumed was a curtsy, but looked more like someone taking a dump.

"What else can you do?" Martha asked as she mimicked her friend's squat and crap move.

"I can change anything visual—color, shape, size. I can also blow up the world."

"Impressive," Martha said. "Problem solved, Knockers Houllihan."

"I assume you're talking to me," I said as I poked and prodded the lock. There had to be a way to break it.

"Yep. Susu can get you and your tremendous bosoms out of here."

"By eating you or blowing up the world?" I inquired in exasperation.

"Nope, by shrinking you to her size. She can do visual fucking voodoo."

I froze. The old bat was brilliant. Susu's eyes lit up and she began to turn flips.

"Can you get us out of here?"

"Yes," she squealed. "I think I can."

"We'll stay here," Martha said. "They'll be coming to get us for the competition soon, and if we're gone, it will cause more motherfucking trouble than it's worth. I'm pretty sure no one but that traitorous shitball The Reggie even knows you're here."

"When did you grow a brain?" I asked as I gaped at her.

"Good one, Jugs McBoobalicious." She chuckled and curtsy crapped again.

"One quick question," I said to Susu. "Can you make me big again after we get out?"

"I'm ninety seven percent sure that I can."

I paused for only a brief moment. "I can live with those odds. Shrink me. Now."

And she did.

Chapter 17

Playing with dolls is fun. Being one? Not so much. If your child ever finds a Genie in a bottle flush it immediately. Many children wish for things that are very difficult to reverse…like being doll sized. If this happens, move to Oz. There are many people of small stature there. And yes, it really does exist.

I giggled as I looked at my tiny hands. I was amazed and thankful that my clothes had shrunk too. Being naked and three inches tall was not my idea of a good time. We flew north through the park, headed for the Palace. Susu had decided we should stay small for a bit. She was positive it would be easier to get into the Grand Fun Palace and we could get around quickly to scope out our plan. I pushed the nagging worry that Susu was terrified that she couldn't make me normal size again to the far recesses of my mind. I'd cross that bridge, hopefully never.

"There it is,"
she said as she swooped lower.

"Should we cloak ourselves?"
I asked as I wondered how much of my magic was available to me at this size.

"Nope. They're all in a tizzy about American Idol and when we fly fast we look like humming birds. Besides, most of them will be drunk on Fairy Juice."

The Palace was grand and beautiful. The rest of the park might be in sad disrepair, but The Corrine's home was pristine. It shimmered in the late day sun. It was all white with solid gold trim. Graceful turrets rose high into the air and poked through the clouds. A crystal clear river circled the Palace and I spotted wildly colored fish swimming in schools. Lavender ivy climbed the walls and masses of blood red roses complemented the perfectly manicured lawns. Hundreds of vicious looking guards also covered the grounds and they didn't appear to be intoxicated at all. Shit.

"Are we going through the front door?"
I asked as I hovered high in the air next to my kooky friend.

"Hell no. Do you have a death wish?"

"It was just a question, Asswad,"
I snapped.

"Well, it was a dumb one, Boobs McGee."

"You clearly don't value your life."

"Why would you say that? I'm fabulous,"
she trilled as she turned a few flips.

"Because if you call me that again, I'll give you a third nipple and acne."
I smiled and turned a flip myself.