Fashionably Dead in Diapers (6 page)

"I incapacitated them and took their magic. Same as death, but worse," he answered.

"Where are they?" Ethan asked, clearly impressed with The Kev.

"Purgatory. I figured that would be a good pick-up point for Satan if he wants them. Otherwise the piped in elevator music will kill them in forty-eight hours. Not to mention Mr. Rogers can off them with the Sword of Death if they get too rowdy."

"Sammy saw all of this?" I asked and realized he was going to need a very large budget for therapy.

"He did," Gemma said carefully as she twisted her curls in her fingers. "But I don't think it scarred him. He seemed to enjoy it. Especially the Gnomes."

"Oh my God," I said as I paced the room and wondered again if I should find some nice normal family to raise my son.

"There was one other minor thing," Gemma said cautiously.

"And that would be?" Ethan ground out through clenched teeth.

"I washed him for an hour," Venus said wearily as she walked back into the room with Sammy wrapped up in a huge fluffy bath towel. "It's not coming off."

"What's not coming off?" I demanded.

Venus' eyes grew round and she tried to cover the wiggling Sammy. "Um…"

"Hi Mommy," Sammy yelled and popped his little head out. The entire room went still as we stared at my child. He blew a raspberry and waved his chubby little hands. "Me have black Penus skin."

That he did. My baby's skin was as black as night. His hair was still white-blond and his eyes were golden, but his skin matched Venus' perfectly. Interesting. Gemma bit at her full lips and The Kev hid his grin behind his hand. Venus looked bewildered and Ethan simply stared.

"Do you like me, Mommy? Me so pretty with black Penus skin!"

"Yes, you are beautiful with black skin," I said truthfully as I took him from Venus' arms. "What happened to your other skin?" I looked his little body over.

"Me like Penus skin better, so me change." He giggled and pulled on my hair as he shoved his little thumb into his mouth and slurped.

"Well, I love it, but I would love you with any color skin," I said as I covered him with kisses.

"At least he didn't choose green or purple," Ethan mumbled as he took his son into his arms and hugged him tightly.

"Ohhhhhh, me like purple!" Sammy squealed, and before our eyes our son went from a gorgeous ebony hue to a frightening purple.

"What the fuck?" I gasped and then slapped my hand over my foul mouth. My son was a freakin' rainbow.

"Samuel," Ethan said firmly. "Put your regular skin back on. This is a fun game, but why don't we go back to normal and call it a night?"

"Normal doesn't really come into play with us," I muttered.

"Can me be green?" my baby asked his father.

"Not tonight, son," Ethan answered as he gently laid Sammy on the changing table and put his pajamas on him.

"Okay, Daddy. Me be me."

Samuel scrunched his little face and his skin went from garish purple back to a beautiful peachy pink. My child was going to be a challenge in ways I couldn't even begin to comprehend. It was time to know who he was. Mother Nature and Pam tried to tell me when he was born, but I stopped them. I just wanted to enjoy my baby without the added worry of knowing what he was to become. However, with all the conjuring and pigment changing not to mention the alarming growth spurts and the early language skills…I needed to know what everyone else did. To raise my son I now needed to know what his destiny would be. I simply wanted my child to be happy.

My wish for Sammy was for him to be compassionate, kind and good. I wanted to raise a man who would be happy and have a fulfilling life and not live in my basement after college. Hell, who was I kidding? I needed to raise someone who could kick some ass and take no prisoners. He would never be able to go to a normal school no matter how much I wished that for him. He was not normal and neither were we. I just prayed he wasn't slated to save the world or some heinous shit like that.

"Daddy," Samuel squealed as he tried to wriggle out of his pajamas. "Do you want Penus skin? Me can give you and Mommy Penus skin!"

"No, little man." Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that."

The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core…I bit my lip to keep from screaming or laughing. Satan would look awesome as a Smurf. I needed to make sure my phone was charged so I could get some good blackmail shots. Tomorrow was going to be a shit show of epic proportions. There was no telling how everyone would react to my new rules concerning my child. There was sure to be yelling and violence. Just as long as no one died it would be a success. Fuckityfuckfuck, I was not looking forward to tomorrow. Blue and purple relatives, screaming and fighting, swearing and bloodshed…

Well, maybe I was looking a little forward to it.

Chapter 5

Parenting books are useless if you're not human. If your child is half Vampyre/ half Demon we would suggest not using parenting books at all—they can backfire like a motherfucker. We wish you luck and…well, luck.

"We have an hour," Ethan said as he slid into his Hugo Boss blazer.

He was such a beautiful man. I had to press my hands to my sides so I didn't run them over his chest or grab his asstastic butt. I always had the distinct urge to jump him and ride him blind. His sexy half smirk told me he knew exactly what I was thinking. I rolled my eyes and continued to dress. Too bad the Who's Who of the immortal world would be descending on us soon, leaving no time for nookie.

"We could get in the car, be at the airport, and on a plane in that time. What do you say?" he inquired with a hopeful look in his eyes.

"Where would we go?" I asked as I slipped on a pair of Prada stilettos that went perfectly with the classy black sheath I'd chosen and twisted my wild hair into a French braid.

"I don't know…how about Russia? It's big and it would take them at least a month to find us if we play it smart," he said casually.

"Russia is cold and Russian. I don't want to go there. How about Mars?"

"No culture on Mars, not to mention the Portals to other galaxies are guarded by Trolls."

"How is it that I didn't know about fucking Trolls and they've come up about five times in the last twenty-four hours?" I snapped. The stress of the upcoming family gathering was making me itchy. It wouldn't take much for me to unravel. "Wait. Could we actually go to Mars?"

"Nope, even Vampyres can't survive on Mars."

"Do aliens exist?" I asked as I pulled out a cute pair of pants and a shirt for Sammy. Thankfully, he was napping and hadn't had time to do much damage yet.

Ethan rolled his eyes and snorted. "Aliens do not exist."

"I don't know why that's funny. I'd prefer aliens to Gnomes, Trolls and Zombies."

"Good point," he agreed. "I have to admit, I'm quite awed by The Kev. No one, not even a two-thousand-year-old Fairy should have lived through getting rid of that many Trolls and Gnomes. Putting them in Purgatory was sheer brilliance."

"I think Gemma helped," I said as I found some tiny green Converse tennis shoes for my boy.

"No surprise there. She'll be as strong as he is very soon. You do realize that they'll have to go to Xanthia," he said as he picked up a sleeping Sammy and laid the confused child on the changing table.

"They want her dead," I told him as I as I unzipped my baby from his sleeper. "I don't want her to go back there."

"It's not our choice. She's their Queen and they've waited centuries for her."

"Then they can wait longer…until The Kev says it's safe," I insisted. "I won't let her go if a bunch of fucking off their rocker Fairy freaks want to kill her. Period."

"Fucking Fairy freaks," Sammy crowed and clapped his hands. "Me eat them!"

I blanched as much as a pale Vampyre could and pulled a roll of duct tape out of the diaper bag. Slowly I ripped off a four-inch piece and slapped it over my foul mouth, much to my mate and son's delight.

"Silly, silly Mommy," Sammy squealed. "You so funny."

"Mommy is funny and we don't eat Fairies. Too chewy," Ethan said as he scooped up Sammy and put him on his shoulder. "Mommy is trying very hard to be a good girl, so we will support her new fashion statement and love her anyway. You got it?"

"Me got it. Do Daddy want orange skin?"

My muffled laughter under the tape earned me a glare from a highly unamused Vampyre. "No. No orange skin for Daddy. Not today, not ever."

***

"Russia is sounding kind of good now," I whispered frantically to Ethan as the shrieks of my extended family filled the ballroom. Massive crystal chandeliers trembled and walls buckled. This was bad. I had a feeling Pompeii would be considered mild compared to what was going down today.

Satan was blue and Grandpa was orange. The Angel of Death, Hayden, and his mate Dixie were a lovely teal. Elijah, the Angel of Light and the woman he wanted to be his mate, Lucy, were lime green. Pam and Ethan's father, the King, were a hot pink, but The Kev and Gemma were the worst—they sported neon purple skin. Strangely the Baby Demons were red like they always were and pouted loudly at the unfairness. They were lobbying for yellow. However, Mother Nature won the prize…she was full on rainbow and was not pleased.

"Everyone calm down," I shouted to deaf ears.

I watched in horror as priceless paintings fell off the walls and crashed to the ground. Satan's displeasure had started a fire in the corner of the room and trees began exploding through the marble floor thanks to Mother Nature. A full on zoo of animals wandered aimlessly through the melee. I wasn’t sure if that was Mother Nature's doing or my son's. Whatever. It had to stop.

Shoving Sammy into Ethan's arms, I shut my eyes and concentrated. Black glitter mist covered my arms and my chest and magic engulfed me. My hair pulled loose from its braid and swirled wildly around my head. I stamped my foot twice, raised my arms above my head and screamed. Water poured from the ceiling and doused the fire as sparkling silver gilded cages dropped around the animals—thankfully right before the lions offed the monkeys.

A violent wind blew and trapped my family and friends in a funnel, lifting them all off the ground and tossing them haphazardly around the room. It came up so fast no one had time to counteract it with magic. I grinned as I watched Mother Nature swat at her son, Satan. I considered simply grabbing Ethan and Samuel and leaving, but the payback for this would be a bitch and then some. Flicking my fingers, I let the wind die down and placed all of my family gently on the couches and chairs. However, everyone was mute—mute as in I temporarily stole their voice boxes. I needed to talk and that was the only way to get a word in with this bunch.

"Alrighty then, welcome to my house that you all just royally fucked up. Sammy, turn everyone's skin back. Now," I said as they stared at my child in shock.

"Do me have to?" he pouted. "They look so pretty."

"Yes, you have to."

Grudgingly, he did. He scrunched his little face and icy pale blue crystals showered the room, restoring everyone's skin to its original color. The loud sighs of relief from the most powerful immortals in the world made me giggle.

"Ooookay, let's get down to business," I said cheerfully to the room full of unhappy people who watched me through narrowed eyes. Motherhumper, this was such a stupid idea. I should have just sent out a mass email or text. Shitfirebuttballs. "I have a few questions and then I'm going to lay out a few new laws. Failure to comply with said laws will result in maiming, blood loss and Sammy privileges being revoked. Does anyone have any questions?" I asked, only to be greeted by stony silence. Well, that was weird. No one had anything to say? Mother Nature always had something to say…not to mention Pam.

"You took their voices," Ethan reminded me.

"Shit, that's right." I waved my hand and returned their voice boxes. "So…questions?" Still met with silence, I bravely or very possibly stupidly soldiered on. "So as you can see Sammy speaks and can reassign skin pigment. He can also raise Zombies and conjure Trolls and Gnomes. He can animate inanimate objects and he seems a bit prone to violence. He's extremely loving and is growing at an alarming rate. He has a wonderful imagination…however, I have a difficult time believing he imagined the motherfucking six-headed Demon he conjured up last night."

"Motherfucking," Sammy shouted.

"Yes, and he likes to repeat things so from here on out all swearing around my child will stop. I simply won't tolerate it," I muttered, not making eye contact with anyone.

"Pot, kettle, black," Pam said as the others nodded in agreement.

"Fine," I hissed. "I realize I'm the main offender, but I know for a fact I didn't teach him about boobies." I stared hard at my Baby Demons who raised their tiny hands guiltily.