F*ck Feelings (17 page)

The long-running A&E series
Intervention
made a few things very clear: (1) even the gnarliest addict has cute baby pictures, (2) huffing keyboard cleaner is a thing, and (3) most important, speaking to an addict from the heart is the best way to break addiction's spell. While two outta three ain't bad, that last
Intervention
lesson is actually false, since heartfelt pleas often make someone else's addiction your problem when you want to make it his or hers. Instead, bypass hiring a former drunk named Jeff and reserving a hotel conference room, talk to the addict one-on-one, strip away the drama from the content of your concern, and ask him whether or not he's ready to make it his. In the meantime, find old episodes of
Hoarders
, because the therapists on that show may be worse than the interventionists, but at least you'll get motivated to clean your house.

Everybody loves an underdog, mostly because, at one time or another, everyone's been one. If you're lucky enough to have never felt powerless or mistreated, you probably feel an extra obligation to help the underdog, because helping the wronged is a way for the undeserving lucky to feel less guilty and even the score.

That's why coming to the rescue of the unfairly disadvantaged is one of those equally selfless and self-serving acts; helping a badly treated good guy feels like you're both avenging a personal injustice and making the world a better place. You're helping him, helping yourself, and helping the universe.

Unfortunately, it's often hard to tell a sob story from the real thing, and not all mistreated underdogs are necessarily good people.

Even when you're sure he's a good guy and his mistreatment is real, defending him may do nothing but draw further fire and endanger
other good people, including you and yours. In other words, even if you're not taken for a sucker, rescuing good people from injustice may suck you into an impossible situation that can create more injustice and victims, namely you.

Fortunately, you can protect yourself from your instincts for helping victims of injustice, while actually helping victims when it's possible. It requires strength and patience and is often emotionally frustrating. If what you're committed to, however, is protecting victims of injustice when it's actually possible to do so, rather than satisfying your desire to feel like a victim protector, then you can do good while staying out of the (under)doghouse.

Among the wishes injustice menders express are:

• To find a method for protecting victims that will be effective and not provoke any counterattack

• To get others to understand that a victim deserves support and respect

• To spread the truth about who hurt whom and why their reasons were bad and the results were devastating and unfair

• To feel like they did the right thing

Here are three examples:

Our new boss is trying to fire one of the best members of our team. He was loyal and helpful to me when I was starting out and deserves better. The boss seems to like me for some reason, but she doesn't like it when I defend this guy, and seems to think that, by defending this coworker, I'm trying to undermine her authority, and I don't want to get myself into trouble. My goal is to find a way to protect a hardworking colleague from getting unfairly targeted with criticism and maybe losing his job.

My family hates my girlfriend, not because she has three kids from previous relationships, but because all the kids have different dads, and she never married any of them. I tried to explain to them that each of those men was abusive, and that, like me, my family should instead see her as someone who has been treated badly and is now flowering because she's finally with someone who loves her and treats her right. She no longer feels like cutting herself and says she's stopped taking pain pills altogether, and I'm so proud of her. My goal is to stop my family from being mean and undermining her confidence.

It's my job as a high school counselor to help troubled kids, whether or not they've had run-ins with the law, and I think the positive relationship I've formed with this one particular kid has been good for him, since he needs the extra attention. My colleagues tell me to watch out because foster kids are always trouble, plus he's had a specific history of getting violent with a series of foster parents, and he broke into his last counselor's house while she was away on vacation. I've gotten to know this kid and I think he just gets blamed for everything because he's had such a tough upbringing that everyone expects the worst. My goal is to give him the trust and confidence he deserves.

The risks of protecting victims of injustice are numerous, including possible violence that can turn you from protector to one of the persecuted. That's why it's your job to assess your risks before getting on your white horse (and possibly galloping off a cliff).

First, find out what happened to the white knights who preceded you into battle. Often, they ran into bad guys who had the big boss and HR behind them, or a damsel in distress who went back to her wicked thug boyfriend, or a counselee who filed complaints. You can try to talk to your predecessors, but it might be hard, as they're likely in hiding, prison, or the grave.

Do your best to check out facts, because, as much as it can give you a headache (and absolutely no catharsis) to hear three contradictory-but-sincere versions of the same story, information is the key to knowing how much help is deserved and what it's likely to trigger. If you know that your coworker has a clean record with HR and that your efforts have a remote chance of saving his job and, most important, won't cost you yours, then rescue away. The odds of those things being true, however, let alone knowable, are as good as a successful quest for the Holy Grail.

Second, do background checks on all innocent victims, no matter how clear their innocence may seem. Without blaming them for their bad luck, explore the possibility that they encounter more of it than most because of weaknesses they can't help, including mental illness and addiction. If that's true, your intervention won't do much to protect them in the long run unless they change their bad habits. Be suspicious of stories that are too bad to be true, especially when they concern serial victims and their tales of woe. Your innocent single mother may be the kind of unstable person who falls in love as quickly and arbitrarily as she falls into hate.

Finally, remember your other priorities. You have obligations to others, as well as yourself, for your independence, safety, and stability, even if those commitments lack the emotional pull of the good fight. Don't enlist until you're sure your protective mission doesn't endanger your other missions at home, because, like the distressed damsel above, your misunderstood teen may turn out to be a jerk who steals your laptop. Since, by definition, Assholes (chapter 9) always see themselves as victims, some victims of injustice will turn out to be Assholes, and it's your job to protect yourself.

Real opportunities to help victims of injustice are limited, but you'll
be most effective when you're selective and careful. Respect yourself for doing careful screening, which requires hard work, is often painful, and seldom gives you the thrill of righting a wrong. Even when you can't protect someone from unfairness and harm, however, show respect for how hard it is to endure injustice and still remain a good, determined person.

Given the facts of life's injustice, you do good by honoring victims of injustice who refuse to alter positive moral values and priorities, despite knowing that a rescue party isn't on the way.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Knowledge of who really deserves protection and will really benefit from it

• Power to protect those who really deserve it

• Resources to protect yourself from retaliation

• The ability to protect people from weaknesses that expose them to repeat victimization

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Care appropriately about helping people who have been mistreated

• Develop the skills to assess a complex, righteousness-drenched situation

• Tolerate the fact that you may be able to help no one

• Retain your personal priorities, regardless of protective urges and pressures

• Respect people who endure injustice, regardless of what happens

Here's how you can do it:

• Develop effective methods for fact gathering

• Do careful risk assessments, including risks caused by a victim's bad habits

• Perform careful political evaluations that include the risk of escalation and retaliation

• Offer respect to those who endure injustice, whether or not you can correct it

Here's what to say when you're tempted to rescue a victim of injustice.

Dear [Self/Unfairness Refugee/Victim of Nastiness],

Helping you, after you've been unfairly damaged by [your boss/your ex/the town gossip/the IRS/Fox News] would give me great pleasure, but I can't forget that [I've got to make a living/I'm vulnerable to the same kind of crap attack/you have a history of making enemies]. I will find out more about what happened and whether it's likely to happen again while trying to figure out whether I can help and [lying low/changing my name/winning a Nobel Prize for unassailable virtue/making it look like it's coming from someone else]. Even if I can't help, I respect your ability to stay focused on the goals and values of your life without being distracted by [bad luck/bad choices/being born under a bad sign].

Of all the “-making” professions, from cheese to dress, peacemakers are the only ones to be blessed, and with good reason; a good cheese can be heavenly, but peacemaking has more potential benefit, given that conflict often hurts and tends to escalate in ways that bring out the worst in everyone.

If the warring enemies are sufficiently powerful (e.g., India and Pakistan, Godzilla and Mothra, Red Sox and Yankees), successful peacemaking can be exciting, but can also be dangerous and sometimes prolong conflict. So don't assume every peacemaker is, or should be, blessed, and therefore able to work without a bulletproof vest.

Taking too much responsibility for other people's wars means you wind up feeling responsible for everything they say and do, so before long, you've got their headaches and they've got someone to complain to who feels obligated to listen. Yes, you may have every good reason in the world to wish for peace, but your peacemaking may actually make it easier for hostilities to continue, especially now that their conflict has one convenient, human representative who can neatly receive all grievances and blame.

Peacemaking a long-standing conflict also tends to devalue old grievances that some people feel are worth endless sacrifice, so if they think you're succeeding, they'll go out of their way to make those old arguments seem fresh again with timely discoveries, new evidence, restraining orders, or even another round of violence.

In the end, the one thing on which warring parties may come to agree is that they both hate you. Of course, as long as you're not too sensitive, and survive, you may regard this as a mission accomplished.

So don't try to broker peace because you're good-hearted and want to help people just get along. Before stepping into the combat zone, get your peacemaking urges under control and learn the techniques you need to know before deciding which conflicts are worth peacemaking and which ones you should stay away from.

Learn how to keep responsibility where it belongs, which is never, ever in your vicinity, and if the conflict resembles a pool of quicksand, learn how to make a nice fresh mozzarella instead.