F*ck Feelings (36 page)

When kids respond to a difficult request by insisting they can't do what's being asked of them, the common response from teachers, parents, the saleswoman at Gymboree who's just about to lose her patience is something like “Can't, or won't?” It's a painless way to nudge kids into seeing that they might be giving up too soon, before they actually give something their best shot (or get down off the rack of Easter dresses).

The can't/won't question can get tricky, however, when it's posited to kids who won't do their homework, focus in class, or generally apply themselves in school. Not every kid with learning problems has a disability, but the ones who really do can't do the work as easily as everyone else, as much as both they and their parents wish it weren't so.

You can't blame parents for trying to push harder when kids don't learn; it's their job to see that their kids survive and flourish, and don't end up spending the next thirty years living in the basement. When it looks like learning won't happen but basement life will, parents get desperate, and pushing is the first instinct, starting with themselves and their kids before moving on to the teachers, principals, and therapists.

Unfortunately, however, there are many obstacles to learning that can't be overcome by any of these people, even if they're working their hardest. A child's lack of inner resources may block progress and require understanding, while external resources may be limited in ways that parents and school systems can't help. Even if treatment is readily accessible, it may have only limited benefit.

When you, your child, and education and treatment professionals are doing their best and you still push harder, things get worse. Kids hate school and lie about what they're (not) doing. Teachers know you think they're failing and find faults of yours to blame. Your sense of failure will envelop the entire team. That's okay if it's your fantasy football team, but not so hot for a team that includes your real child and isn't easily fixed with imaginary trades and call-ups.

So don't overfocus on any single obstacle to learning or, like federal politicians, assume that results will always improve if good teachers just do their work. Instead, assess what can and can't be changed, without letting fear shape your expectations. Be aware that there are many different ways for a child to learn, many opportunities to discover what works best, and many experiments you can do yourself, so that you're not dependent on experts.

Encourage hard work and develop methods for giving kids focus, priorities, and incentives, but be prepared to look for problems that hard work, good parenting, and good teaching can't necessarily overcome. Knowing what you can do is as important as knowing what your kid truly can't, because then you can appreciate the good efforts people are making in a way that can and will make a difference.

Among the wishes people express are:

• To figure out what's really bothering a child and preventing learning

• To get better teaching/general help

• To amp up the pressure on a child and the school to get better results

• To improve a child's attitude toward work and self-discipline

Here are three examples:

For as long as my kid has gotten homework assignments, she's been an absolute pill about doing them. Otherwise, she's very sweet and reasonable, but when dinner's over and she knows it's homework time, she starts avoiding it like her life depends on it. She tries to play video games, starts torturing her brothers, and has a tantrum if we tell her that enough is enough and it has to get done. I was hoping she'd grow out of it, but she's eleven now and the tantrums are just getting worse. We're sick of fighting, but she'll go nowhere without an education, and we're starting to wonder if this is part of her personality or part of a bigger issue. My goal is to get her to learn with less pain.

Since we discovered our son had learning disabilities two years ago, it's been a huge struggle to figure out what kind of help he needs, let alone get him any real kind of assistance. I try talking to his teachers, but the ones who do respond seem to just get defensive or apathetic. I know that if we could afford private school or even live in a better school district, this wouldn't be a problem, but that's just not financially possible for us right now. I also can't become a full-time advocate for him since I already have two jobs and three other kids. My goal is to get the help I need to get him the help he needs.

My son has severe learning disabilities, and while we've tried a handful of tutors, schools, and therapeutic approaches, none has really worked. His current school has had the most success, but at a recent parent/teacher meeting, they told us that they felt strongly that our son needs ADHD medication, which is the last thing my wife and I want to expose him to. Every parent knows that schools push those pills onto kids just to turn the students into quiet, addicted zombies and line big pharma's pockets. My goal is to figure out how to help him learn while protecting him from having to take that poison.

Learning disability, like autism and erectile dysfunction, seems like a disorder that was invented in the last twenty years, is suddenly omnipresent, and is thus greeted with a great deal of skepticism.

In reality, the disorders were always there, but the diagnoses weren't. Autism used to be lumped in with retardation, erectile dysfunction was considered an acceptable step on the march to the grave, and kids with learning disabilities were labeled willful, lazy, and just plain stupid. It might seem like there are more ADHD kids than ever before, but there are also more ways to help them.

For parents, finding out their kid has a learning disability is a mixed bag; on the one hand, you now know that your kid isn't being a pain in the ass on purpose, but on the other, you have to face the reality of having a kid who's sick, or at least not
normal
, and may require treatment that can be difficult, expensive, and iffy.

Once the diagnosis is handed down, however, you have to swallow your disappointment and panic and make some concrete, adult choices. Before you can do that, of course, you have to know what your choices are.

If a child fights homework with avoidance and tantrums, you don't need an official diagnosis before taking steps to improve the problem. Start by doing your own homework to bone up on behavior management. When homework time arrives, don't overexplain. Link meaningful consequences to easily observable behaviors, and enforce them without negative emotion.

If that doesn't work, review what you know about the way your child learns. Look for distractibility and problems following directions, remembering stories, or being able to understand their meaning. Ask teachers what subjects are easier to teach and what techniques seem to work. Finally, if the answers you're getting point in one likely direction, get testing for learning disabilities.

In the meantime, don't assume your child doesn't want to learn and never doubt the value of your own efforts as long as you're able to keep your frustration from becoming personal and negative.

If a learning disability is diagnosed but the school has little to offer, find out if advocacy will get you more. Hire a good tutor if you can, for at least a few hours, and observe carefully to see what works. Then see whether you can use those techniques yourself or find someone at school or a nonprofit who is responsive and willing to help.

Even though you have reason to feel angry at being underserved, making the teachers feel appreciated will get you a lot further than making them feel guilty and defensive. Get a lawyer willing to take on a worthy cause pro bono and fight for more services if you think it will help, but don't let teachers feel you don't value their efforts, even if you don't. Your goal is to motivate them positively, regardless of whether you like them or respect their work.

Try not to blame yourself or the school system for lacking resources, because those issues are outside your control. Instead, keep
looking for ideas you can borrow, respect yourself for persisting, and stay hopeful that a maturing nervous system will allow your child to do better next year.

If lowest risk—nonmedical—interventions don't work, never feel obliged to try any medical treatment that you, as a parent, regard as too dangerous. On the other hand, it's your job to examine risk carefully and objectively before you decide, and not let fear or rumor affect your decision.

Learning problems don't automatically condemn kids to low self-esteem and low-paying jobs, but they carry that possibility, and parents are best able to assess that likelihood for their own kids. If you think your child is losing confidence and picking up bad friends and behaviors, despite attempts at nonmedical treatments, then that's the risk of not doing anything. If you think that probability is high, then it's worth intervening in ways that are not perfectly safe, but carry less danger than doing nothing at all.

Stimulant medication is riskier than nonmedical interventions for learning problems, but it's not hard for parents to check out that chance, which is very low, and to stop the medications quickly if they think they're harmful or ineffective. Don't pay too much attention to recommendations or rumors; no one knows in advance whether stimulants will help your child, and you won't know 100 percent how effective they are unless you try them out.

In the end, you're the best judge of how badly your child needs a trial of stimulant, how risky that treatment is, and after a couple days of watching what it does, of whether it works well enough to continue. Parents always tell their kids to do things that are necessary, no matter how scary or difficult they seem, and this is an opportunity to set an example.

Learning problems often make kids, parents, and teachers feel helpless and disrespected, but there's a certain hope in knowing that these issues arise from diagnosable problems, not the kids themselves, and that we now search for beneficial therapies instead of writing kids off or trying to redeem their wicked ways.

Good parenting and teaching may not always be effective at
overcoming learning problems, but they're a start, and if you can keep trying without blaming yourself or others, then learning problems won't stop you and your kid from having a normal relationship.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• The ability to pick your child's teacher, school, coach, future, etc.

• Obedience from your child, teacher, school, etc.

• Confidence in your child's truthfulness regarding their schoolwork

• A total lack of anger and bitterness when your child lies and breaks promises about schoolwork

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Define your approach to learning problems in terms of trying hard and staying positive, not necessarily getting good results

• Not let your desire for better learning performance get in the way of a positive, accepting relationship with your child

• Not let a failure to learn imply that you, your child, or your relationship is a failure

• Keep looking for the things your child can't do, or is weak at doing, so as to find new tools for getting stronger (other than just willpower and obedience)

Here's how you can do it:

• Develop good measures for daily work performance and incentivize them with limits on bad behavior that don't exhaust or punish you more than your child

• Provide assistance with homework, scheduling, and good habit building

• If structure and limits aren't enough, keep looking for other causes
of learning problems, such as subtle cognitive impairments, depression, anxiety, and relationship issues

• Read up on learning disabilities, review what you know from helping with homework, and draw up your own list of strengths and weaknesses while looking for patterns

• Pick teachers' brains while helping them to feel less ineffective

• Focus on what you value about your child, aside from his/her ability to perform at school

Here's what to say to yourself, your child, and other concerned educators and relatives about his/her inability to learn.

Dear [Child/Spouse/Entire Team of Teachers, Tutors, Therapists, and Advice-Giving In-Laws],

I often feel that [you/my child/the bane of my existence] doesn't want to [learn/do homework/do anything other than fuck up with other fuckups], but I know that your [disorder/attention span/brain, which you inherited from my jailed brother] makes it hard. I truly believe it's worth trying to keep you [in school and learning/busy and out of trouble/focused and off the pole], and that we have assembled a great team of [teachers/therapists/drill sergeants] who are eager to help you when you aren't doing [synonym for “everything but what you're supposed to do”]. We won't give up on trying to help, but we will also try to accept you the way you are.

Quick Diagnostic: Is Your Kid ADHD, Bad, or Just Lazy?