F*ck Feelings (34 page)

• Avoid having kids if you don't have those resources, and plan for ways to obtain them

• Educate yourself about possible health and development problems and the benefits and costs of methods for managing them

• Don't expect to find answers that don't have costs and risks

• Learn to make compromises and don't expect to feel good about them

• Give yourself credit for making tough choices, regardless of how they turn out

Here's what to tell yourself/your spouse about pregnancy, delivery, and child development.

Dear [Self/Person Who Should Be Doing More or Hasn't Been Doing Enough or Is Probably Judging Me for Not Doing the Right Thing]:

I feel like I can't possibly do enough to compensate for [our bad genes/stress-induced fetal damage/my baby turning into a serial killer], but I know I've got a good partner and we've put together a good team with reasonable plans for [pregnancy/delivery/schooling/long-term psychotherapy]. I think we've got a good chance of [synonym for “not fucking up”], given horrible uncertainties.

Good Parent vs. Overprotective Parent vs. Bad Parent

Misunderstandings with strangers—be they fellow drivers just trying to survive a lane closing, supermarket patrons struggling to find one stupid open register, or even coworkers who just want to know who's stealing their Lean Cuisines out of the fridge—are annoying yet understandable. After all, it's easy to miscommunicate or misunderstand someone you've never met whose intentions you have no reason to trust.

That's why, when you find yourself in perpetual conflict with your own child, it's both baffling and heartbreaking. Your kid isn't a jerk in an SUV trying to cut you off but a human you cocreated whom you've known since she was preborn.

You feel like your connection to your child, and the effort you put into parenting your child, should make such rifts impossible. If parents can't resolve conflict with a child, they assume there's something they've failed to do as parents, whether it's to communicate, instill the proper values, or express enough approval or disapproval.

Unfortunately, however, we often don't know why certain kids are in constant conflict with their parents; frequently, parents who are obviously competent and who get along well with their other kids have lots of trouble with one. Some kids are more irritable by nature, or experience mood disorders. Other kids just see the world differently and can't be the kind of person their parents want.

If you're caught in a prolonged conflict with your child, get professional advice and ask yourself whether there's anything you can do better as a parent. In many cases, however, there's nothing wrong with your parenting; there's just something about your child that is hard to accept and understand, and impossible to change.

If that's the case, you may still have a great kid, but not necessarily one you can talk to easily, spontaneously, and without anger and inner reservations. After all the good work you've done as a parent, that's hardly fair, but that's life.

Good parenting can't necessarily solve or prevent conflict, but a good parent can manage it for the sake of a long-term relationship, so he can keep the child in his life, whether or not they sometimes feel like incompatible strangers to each other.

Among the wishes parents express about their conflicts with kids are:

• To find a sweeter carrot or a bigger stick

• To reach a common understanding of right and wrong behavior

• To agree on priorities and loyalties

• To not put one another on edge

Here are three examples:

Back before her puberty, my daughter was a cheerful kid who got along well with everyone in the family and didn't hate to be in my presence. The second the hormones hit, however, she became unhappy,
superficial, and perpetually antagonistic. Her grades are failing, she's obsessed with boys, and she responds to even the most polite question or suggestion with a truckful of attitude and the need to start an argument. I'm completely losing my mind. I don't know if this is my fault or if it's just a phase, but if we can't stop battling soon, neither one of us is going to survive to see her graduate high school. My goal is to stop the perpetual fighting.

I'm not too happy with the direction my sixteen-year-old son is going in, and I have no choice but to let him know it. He avoids studying, doesn't care about homework, spends all his time working on his horrible car, and says he really doesn't want to go to college. I expect more from him and have let him know it—I hate to see him make so many foolish choices that he's going to live to regret—but all it seems to do is lead to bickering and resentment with him and worry and sadness with my wife. My goal is to point my son in a better direction while not arguing with him all the time.

I never had a moment of conflict with my son until he married his wife a year ago, and since then, we agree on nothing. His wife is impossible, doesn't like to spend time with my husband and me, and tells our son we've been a bad influence on him somehow. He doesn't necessarily agree with her, but he doesn't stand up to her and tends to go along with what she wants. The things she's said about us are awful, but he won't ask her to apologize, so we avoid her, but then we seldom see him. When we do see him, he tries to get us to be nicer to her, but we honestly don't know how since she's the one who goes after us. My goal is stop the bickering and restore the good relationship we once had with my son.

Once you've tried to do everything in your power to get along better with your kid—attempts at being more understanding; good cop/bad cop with your spouse; advice from shrinks, friends, and books (why, hello!); attempts at being less understanding—it's time to concede that you are actually powerless and figure out how you're going to deal with it.

If a hormonal shift has turned your little girl into a giant terror, check to make sure your child isn't dangerously depressed, because, for teens especially, anger is depression's most obvious symptom. There are many depression questionnaires online, but they're all based on asking straightforward, commonsense questions (about mood, negative thoughts, suicidal impulses, etc.) and not about being subjected to secret pressures, losses, or trauma.

If, regardless of her answers to you or questionnaires, you think she might be depressed, get her evaluated by a mental health professional. If you don't believe her answers, or get none, the big question changes from whether she's depressed to whether she's suicidal. Take her to an emergency room, regardless of her objections, if you have any doubts about her safety.

Keep in mind that parents are in the best position, potentially, to investigate and sort out the causes of an outburst of irritability or possible depression because you have the best insider access and knowledge. Unless your kid is much more likely to talk to a nice shrink than to you, the shrink has much less to work with than you do.

If there's no issue for the child to talk about (either with you or a shrink), no hormone to be treated by a pediatrician (thyroid or otherwise), and no depression to be addressed with a psychiatrist, then the diagnosis is adolescence, for which the only possible cure is time.

Then all you can do is grit your teeth, set limits on really bad behavior, and mourn the loss of the nice kid you used to know, hoping that she'll return someday, and if she doesn't, hope she finds a spouse who is totally immune to moodiness and willing to take her off your hands. Meanwhile, respect yourself for being patient and tolerant when you have your own sorrow (and bratty door slamming) to deal with.

If you are sad about the kind of person your child is turning out to be, try to be objective about their strengths and not to confuse the chasm between who they are and your expectations with potential weaknesses or faults. Nonacademic children growing up in an intellectual family, for example, will tend to feel like failures, even if they're talented at sports or art. That's why it's important to find a
way to value your kids for who they are, even if they're nothing like you.

Yes, it's worthwhile looking for learning disabilities and ways of using a child's strengths to overcome obstacles. Kids who are good with cars, for instance, often have superior visual-spatial skills that may not be reflected in their ability with words or numbers. If good tutoring, including whatever you and other adults in the family can provide, doesn't work, however, your bigger goal is acceptance, not academic performance.

Don't downplay the value of learning, but encourage your child by reminding him that many people learn more effectively after they leave school because their brains learn better by doing, not by sitting and reading. As long as he's found something he's good at and loves to do (and that thing is legal, nonaddictive, and can lead to a paycheck), then there's no reason to torture your family by trying to talk him out of it.

Meanwhile, keep your disappointment to yourself. If you want to bring out the best in your child, you don't have to force yourself to love him for who he is, but you do have to act as if you do, and stay positive. If you want to prevent conflict from dragging you both down, then it's time to give up whatever plan for him you had in mind.

If conflict arises from competing loyalties and commitments, asserting your right as family leader to determine priorities will probably backfire. You may be right, for instance, to resent the mean, unjustified, disruptive influence of a child's spouse. The cliché is that mothers-in-law are evil, but many begin their reign of terror by being a pain to their husband's parents (and maybe also their parents, as well as any human in earshot).

Once you've done your best to eliminate misunderstanding and establish a better relationship with this spouse, however, you have to face the fact, if strife continues, that it's beyond your control, your expectations must change, and expressing your real feelings is bound to push your son away from you and into his wife's insane arms.

Instead of trying to win your child back to your side, or protesting the loss of trust, stop expecting the usual easy communication and
happy participation in family life you always hoped for. Instead, accept your loss and prevent it from getting worse by treating criticism and boycotts diplomatically, as differences that you're always willing to tolerate, even if you often disagree.

The more outrageous the criticism you receive, the less reason to take it to heart. Yes, it hurts to hear it from your child's lips, but that's the nature of his or her marriage, not the nature of your relationship or a reflection on your job as a parent. A good parent can have a child who chooses a crappy spouse, a decision over which you have no control.

If you're too quick to express yourself with your kids when you're hurt or angry, and your openness makes you a welcome addition to any poker game, learn how to keep your mouth shut and assess the reasons for conflict with your child. Sometimes you'll find a solution, but more often you'll find the causes of friction are due to outside forces that require the skills of a good lawyer, hostage negotiator, or magician, but not a good parent. At that point, it's time to accept that conflict, along with the need to manage and endure it, is now just a part of the family.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• The kid you used to know

• Your old authority, trust, and shared values

• Freedom to speak spontaneously without stirring up misunderstanding

• Spontaneous friendliness rather than careful feeling management

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Learn not to respond to small provocations

• Set limits when necessary, while smiling

• Blame no one for the undeserved painfulness of your relationship

Here's how you can do it:

• Try everything you and others have thought about to ease conflict and reduce misunderstanding

• Accept unavoidable conflict, even if you have to live with it for years

• Set limits when necessary, without letting legitimate disappointment and moral disapproval make them negative or pessimistic