F*ck Feelings (38 page)

Contrary to everything you've heard from preachers, alcohol counselors, and characters in angel-themed TV programs, certain bad people can't stop themselves from being bad. Sure, in an ideal world, everyone is endowed with the ability to make moral choices. In this world, however, these guys aren't. They're the source of many problems that drive people to seek treatment, which is why they get a chapter all to themselves.

We call them Assholes with a capital
A
(and on our website, we jokingly add a ™, but it turns out you can't do that in a book, because lawyers take ™s seriously). It's not an insult, but a technical term emphasizing the fact that they are who they are; there's no changing them and their attacks aren't personal, even though they mean them personally, because, not surprisingly, anyone who gets close to an Asshole will eventually get shit on. There's every good reason to give them a wide berth, for they are as the lord made them, just like rattlesnakes, tsunamis, and acne.

You could also call them psychopaths or say they have bad, borderline, or narcissistic personality disorders, or other fancy, multisyllabic names, but those words imply more, take longer to spit out, and say less. Simply put, an Asshole is someone who behaves like a jerk and doesn't see it. These aren't people you call Assholes because you're angry; they're Assholes because of the specific way they behave. Where you see moral choices and harmful consequences, Assholes see disrespect, intense needs, and the right to defend themselves against injury and injustice every time those needs are frustrated.

If you're forced to live or deal with an Asshole every day, you'll probably have strong feelings about them. This may prompt you to seek help from the appropriate professional. If that professional isn't a hit man, you will be tempted to find a way to help said Asshole or, even better, get
him
help from a shrink.

While many seem to believe that shrinks have a special technique for taming Assholes and getting them to see the light—Asshole whisperers, as it were—no one has such powers. Most people attempt to be Asshole screamers, which is even worse. The sooner you learn that all attempts to change Assholes are futile (at any volume), the sooner you'll be able to live with Assholes in your day-to-day life.

After all, those who do have Assholes in their lives know from experience that no matter how many times you try, nothing helpful you or anyone else has said or done has made a bit of difference (except possibly a negative one). In actuality, Assholes never come to see shrinks except to complain about being traumatized and mistreated, often by their prior (equally powerless) shrinks. Shrinks take consolation, however, in the huge business generated from an Asshole's friends, neighbors, family, lovers, contractors, ex-therapists, etc. Aside from therapists, Assholes are also owed a huge debt of gratitude from lawyers, the communications industry, and the casting directors for any number of shows on Bravo and MTV.

You might think that nobody would get close to an Asshole on purpose, but the problem is, Assholes are often attractive (just ask any dog, har har). Intense emotions are attractive, even when they're ugly, and Assholes, like crazy people (and “crazy women”—see chapter 6),
convey so much raw emotion that (a) it's like living in your own personal telenovela, and (b) they seem like tragic victims. When they turn to us non-Assholes for help and shower us with praise, one can't help but be sucked in.

Assholes offer us a chance to step into their drama and play a role—hero, victim, unjustly accused, you name it—without the need for talent or a ticket. In addition, they're naturally less inhibited by doubts and second thoughts than the rest of us so they speak with more confidence and conviction. Unfortunately, after initially being your best friend/indebted admirer, Assholes tend to graduate you to their enemies list (or at least force you to listen to their enemies list, the length of which should serve as a huge red flag).

If you're asking yourself whether you're an Asshole, don't; Assholes don't ask themselves whether they're Assholes. They know the problem is other people. Most of us act like assholes (no capital) sometimes, but try not to. This is part of being human and a good reason for getting help from shrinks, church, spin class, or whatever works for you. Many of us are possessed by instincts that sometimes turn us into assholes, but we work all our lives to keep those urges in check. Exorcism only works in the movies, but therapies of various kinds can make us stronger at keeping the inner demons from coming out, one day at a time.

Accepting the fact that you're dealing with an Asshole means giving up the hope that you can change their bad behavior with love, reason, therapy, or a talking-to of either the “come to Jesus” or “go to hell” variety. It also means accepting whatever pain and lack of control goes with that bad behavior. Once you do so, however, you will be able to stop useless conflicts and rescue attempts. You'll improve your ability to manage their bad behavior as effectively as possible. Assholes can't be saved, but your sanity can.

It's hard to describe how violating it can feel to be fucked by an Asshole—first of all, it seems both disgusting and biologically impossible,
and second, it often involves hearty helpings of betrayal, drama, lies, and everything that makes for great daytime soaps and terrible real-life situations. Most of the Assholes you encounter in life aren't the cold-fish Dexters or Madoffs whom you might slowly grow to trust after initially being very skeptical; in real life, Assholes' selfishness is stealthy and covered by deceiving warmth.

That means, in addition to dealing with the actual legal or practical impact of the bad things Assholes say and do when the relationship inevitably goes south, you suffer severe loss, begin to mistrust yourself, and cling to the belief that you should be able to straighten things out—if you could only find the right words to recover your old relationship.

It's hard to describe the experience because it seems so unbelievable, but when it happens to you, it's very real, and all too painful. Both Assholes and their wrath, like snowflakes and actual tuchuses, come in all shapes and sizes, but the steps to recovering from a run-in are comfortingly similar.

Among the wishes people express when they write to us or come for post-Asshole treatment are:

• To understand how a former best friend could become so mean and impossible to talk to

• To get back the relationship they once had

• To get through to someone who was once so close

• To get her to stop

Here are some examples:

My business partner turned out to be a total asshole. At the beginning, we clicked perfectly. We had the same approach and he seemed highly motivated and receptive to my business plan. As long as we were doing well, we were a really great team and close friends. When the recession hit, he kept on taking money out of the business and denying it. When I confronted him with the evidence, he said I was doing the same thing and that he deserved a bonus for working harder than I did, both of which were untrue and which I can prove. Since then, he's bad-mouthed me to our associates and even accused me of stealing, which ruins our joint business, as well as my reputation. My goal is to get him to stop before his nasty lies destroy everything.

My mother died when I was a baby, but her brother and my cousins were good to my sisters and me. We all seemed to get along. After my maternal grandmother was hit by a city bus, however, everything changed; my uncle became hell-bent on suing everyone involved in the accident right down to the manufacturer of the steering wheel, and said that he was entitled to most of my grandmother's (meager) inheritance because we were “our dad's kids” and he had a closer bond. It's insane. He's dragging my sisters and me into a handful of lawsuits that none of us can afford and breaking the family relationships we came to rely on. My goal is to get him to stop being a money-crazed monster.

When I first met my girlfriend six months ago, she was recovering from an abusive relationship and was almost broke, but we really connected and I didn't hesitate to help her out. She told me I was the best thing that happened to her. I was really in love and felt it was the closest relationship I've ever had in my life. So I couldn't understand why she stopped talking to me about a month ago. Then, after weeks of my
begging her to tell me what was going on, she said I tried to dominate her with money and sex and that she felt much more comfortable with a guy she met at her yoga class. I'm blown away and can't understand what I did wrong. My goal is to get her to remember what a wonderful thing we had going and try to get it back.

It's hard to believe that you can't spot a greedy, lying, unprincipled Asshole, particularly when you've known someone well for years. But sometimes you don't get to see a person's dark side until stress reveals it. That's another good reason God created hard times—so we can find out who the Assholes are.

We tend to like people who make us feel good and we take pride in our ability to make quick decisions and trust our guts. Given what our guts produce, however, and what orifice that product is excreted from, we should know better.

So it's not hard for smart, experienced people to be fooled by a good listener who makes an emotional connection. At any rate, after the end of a relationship with someone you would have trusted with your life (who then declares that you are
his
mortal enemy), you will have a new respect for due diligence and the value of trusting facts over feelings.

It's no fun to discover that someone's a bad person; what's harder still is hearing him tell you and everyone else who will listen that you've done horrible things you wouldn't think of doing. Efforts to communicate your honest feelings can be dangerous. Remember, you're talking to a suicide bomber wearing a vest full of explosive allegations. The first rule is to keep your negative feelings and thoughts to yourself.

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

• Your old relationship back

• An immediate end to the avalanche of bullshit

• Relief for your hurt and anger

• “Closure,” which is an emotional unicorn

• Any sort of control over what he will do or say next

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Understand and accept the nature of your new, broken relationship, giving up on logic and reconciliation

• Stop adding dramatic, emotional, damaging fuel to the fire

• Stop letting hurt feelings and anger control your decisions

• Use time to diffuse the emotion and drain energy from the drama

• Use what influence you have to protect yourself

Here's how you can do it:

• Let a lawyer be your primary therapist in terms of telling you what to expect, when to shut up, and what to document (remembering that sharing feelings with your legal representative solves nothing, could cost a lot, and isn't remotely covered by health insurance)

• Protect your assets from petty vindictiveness

• Communicate only what's positive and necessary, so as not to add fuel or show weakness (it helps to write out a statement in advance)

• Be prepared for the worst so that you don't respond with outrage or any visible emotion other than confidence and determination

• Be prepared for the worst-case scenario

Here's what to say to the offending Asshole that will keep you on track regardless of how you really feel or how said annular friend responds.

Dear [Asshole Former Associate/Greedy Sibling/Ex-Girlfriend with New Yoga Boyfriend],

Although it's true that we're now having unfortunate differences, we used to [have fun/text each other with some frequency/share an HBO GO password] as friends and partners for so many years, and I'm sure we can address our differences in a positive way. In spite of our good efforts to overcome misunderstanding and reach an agreement, it's been impossible, so it's become necessary to figure out how to go forward from here. I propose we [keep our assets separate/agree to disagree/do a bunch of stuff a lawyer told me to do although I'll never tell you I have a lawyer]. I believe this is fair and will be good for both of us, but it's best for us not to speak further about this directly until all is worked out. Nevertheless, I wish you [the best/good health/a bountiful harvest] and hope this gets resolved soon.

There's nothing to stop Assholes from having kids. Indeed, if self-centered jerks weren't reliably irresistible love magnets, shrinks would have trouble putting food on their tables. There are lots of kids who have to deal with Asshole parents. The problems these offspring usually run into include lots of anger at having been ignored (if they're lucky), humiliated, and/or viciously attacked. At the same time, they often feel guilty and responsible for their parent's unhappiness and bad habits because, by definition, an Asshole parent is always sure that others are to blame. The kids are often touchy, nervous, and guilty, unless they're actively straightening out the world by being bullies, cops, or superheroes. Or therapists.