Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (25 page)
Read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Online
Authors: David D. Burns
At any rate,
try
the upbeat reward system. You may be pleasantly surprised at the remarkable effectiveness of your secret strategy. In addition to motivating the people you care about to want to be around you, it will improve your mood because you learn to notice and focus on the positive things that others do rather than dwell on their negatives.
“Should” Reduction.
Because many of the thoughts which generate your anger involve moralistic “should” statements, it will help you to master some “should” removal methods. One way is to make a list, using the double-column method, of all the reasons why you believe the other person “shouldn’t” have acted as he did. Then challenge these reasons until you can see why they are unrealistic and don’t actually make good sense.
Example: Suppose the carpenter on your new house did a sloppy job on the kitchen cabinets. The doors are poorly aligned and don’t close properly. You feel irate because you see this as “unfair.” After all, you paid full union wages, so you feel entitled to excellent workmanship from a top craftsman. You fume as you tell yourself, “The lazy bastard should take some pride in his work. What’s the world coming to?” You list the reasons and rebuttals detailed in Figure 7–6.
Figure 7–6.
The rationale for eliminating your “should” statement is simple: It’s not true that you are entitled to get what you want just because you want it. You’ll have to negotiate. Call the carpenter, complain, and insist the job be corrected.
But don’t double your trouble by making yourself excessively hot and bothered. The carpenter probably wasn’t
trying
to hurt you, and your anger might simply polarize him and put him on the defensive. After all, half of all the carpenters (and psychiatrists, secretaries, writers, and dentists, etc.) throughout human history have been below average. Do you believe that? It’s true by definition because “average” is
defined
as the halfway point! It’s ludicrous to fume and complain that this particular carpenter’s average talent is “unfair,” or that he “should” be other than he is.
Negotiating Strategies.
At this point you may be bristling because you are thinking, “Well! That’s a fine kettle of fish! Dr. Bums seems to be telling me I can find happiness by believing that lazy, incompetent carpenters
should
do mediocre work. After all, it’s their nature, the good doctor claims! What weak-spined hogwash! I’m not going to be stripped of my human dignity and let people walk all over me and get away with second-rate crappy work I’m paying a fortune for.”
Cool down! Nobody’s asking you to let the carpenter pull the wool over your eyes. If you want to exert your influence in an effective way instead of moping angrily and creating inner turmoil, a calm, firm, assertive approach will usually be the most successful. Moralistic “shoulding,” in contrast, will simply aggravate you and polarize him, and cause him to feel defensive and to counterattack. Remember—fighting is a form of intimacy. Do you really want to be so
intimate
with this carpenter? Wouldn’t you prefer to get what you want instead?
As you stop consuming your energy in anger, you can focus your efforts on getting what you want. The following negotiating principles can work effectively in such a situation:
1. Instead of telling him off,
compliment
him on what he did right. It’s an undeniable fact of human nature that few people can resist flattery even if it’s blatantly
insincere. However, since you can find
something
good about him or his work, you can make your compliment honest. Then mention the problem with the cupboard doors tactfully, and calmly explain why you want him to come back and correct the alignment.
2.
Disarm him
if he argues by finding a way to agree with him regardless of how absurd his statements are. This will shut him up and take the wind out of his sails. Then immediately—
3.
Clarify
your point of view again calmly and firmly.
Repeat the above three techniques over and over in varying combinations until the carpenter finally gives in or an acceptable compromise is reached. Use ultimatums and intimidating threats only as a last resort, and make sure you are ready and willing to follow through when you do. As a general principle, use diplomacy in expressing your dissatisfaction with his work. Avoid labeling him in an insulting way or implying he is bad, evil, malignant, etc. If you decide to tell him about your negative feelings, do so objectively without magnification or an excess of inflammatory language. For example, “I resent shoddy work when I feel you have the ability to do a good professional job” is far preferable to “You mother——! Your——work is an outrage.”
In the following dialogue I will identify each of these techniques.
Y | I was pleased with how some of the work came out, and I’m hopeful I’ll be able to tell other people I was happy with the whole job. The paneling was especially well done. I’m a little concerned about the kitchen cabinets, however. (Compliment) |
C | What seems to be the trouble? |
Y | The doors aren’t lined up, and many of the handles are on crooked. |
C | Well, that’s about the best I can do on those kinds of cabinets. They’re mass-produced, and they just aren’t made the best. |
Y | Well, that’s true. They aren’t as well made as a more expensive type might be. (Disarming technique) Nevertheless, they aren’t acceptable this way, and I’d appreciate it if you’d do something to make them more presentable. (Clarification; tact) |
C | You’ll have to talk to the manufacturer or the builder. There’s nothing I can do about it. |
Y | I can understand your frustration (Disarming technique), but it’s your responsibility to complete these cabinets to our satisfaction. They’re simply not acceptable. They look shoddy, and they don’t close properly I know it’s an inconvenience, but my position is that the job can’t be considered complete and the bill won’t be paid until you’ve corrected it. (Ultimatum) I can see from your other work that you have the skill to make them look right in spite of the extra time it will take. That way we’ll be completely satisfied with your work, and we can give you a good recommendation. (Compliment) |
Try these negotiating techniques when you are at loggerheads with someone. I think you’ll find they work more effectively than blowing your stack, and you’ll feel better because you’ll usually end up getting more of what you want.
Accurate Empathy.
Empathy is the ultimate anger antidote. It’s the highest form of magic described in this book,
and its spectacular effects are firmly entrenched in
reality
. No trick mirrors are needed.
Let’s define the word. By empathy, I do
not
mean the capacity to feel the same way someone else feels. This is sympathy. Sympathy is highly touted but is, in my opinion, somewhat overrated. By empathy, I do
not
mean acting in a tender, understanding manner. This is support. Support is also highly valued and overrated.
So what is empathy? Empathy is the ability to comprehend with accuracy the precise thoughts and motivations of other people in such a way that they would say, “Yes, that
is exactly
where I’m coming from!” When you have this extraordinary knowledge, you will understand and accept without anger why others act as they do even though their actions might not be to your liking.
Remember, it is actually
your
thoughts that create your anger and not the other person’s behavior. The amazing thing is that the moment you grasp why the other person is acting that way, this knowledge tends to put the lie to your anger-producing thoughts.
You might ask, If it’s so easy to eliminate anger through empathy, why do people get so damn mad at each other every day? The answer is that empathy is difficult to acquire. As humans we are trapped in our own perceptions, and we react automatically to the meanings we attach to what people do. Getting inside the other person’s skull requires hard work, and most people don’t even know how to do this. Do you? You will learn how in the next few pages.
Let’s start with an example. A businessman recently sought help because of his frequent episodes of angry out-bursts and abusive behavior. When his family or employees didn’t do what he wanted, he’d bite their heads off. He usually succeeded in intimidating people, and he enjoyed dominating and humiliating them. But he sensed that his impulsive explosions ultimately caused problems for him because of his reputation as a sadistic hothead.
He described a dinner party he attended where the waiter
forgot to fill his wineglass. He felt a surge of rage due to his thought, “The waiter thinks I’m unimportant. Who the hell does he think he is anyway? I’d like to wring the mother——’s neck.”
I used the empathy method to demonstrate to him how illogical and unrealistic his angry thoughts were. I suggested that we do some role-playing. He was to play the waiter, and I would act the part of a friend. He was to try to answer my questions as truthfully as possible. The following dialogue evolved:
D | (playing the role of the waiter’s friend): I noticed that you didn’t fill the wineglass of that businessman there. |
P | (playing the role of waiter): Oh, I see that I didn’t fill his glass. |
D | Why didn’t you fill his glass? Do you think he is an unimportant person? |
P | (after a pause): Well, no, it wasn’t that. I actually don’t know much about him. |
D | But didn’t you decide that he was an unimportant person and refuse to give him any wine because of that? |
P | (laughing): No, |
D | Then why didn’t you give him wine? |
P | (after thinking): Well, I was daydreaming about my date for tonight. Furthermore, I was looking at that pretty girl across the table. I was distracted by her low-cut dress, and I just overlooked his wineglass. |
This role-playing episode created great relief for the patient because by placing himself in the waiter’s shoes he was able to see how unrealistic his interpretation had been. His cognitive distortion was jumping to conclusions (mind
reading). He automatically concluded the waiter was being
unfair
, which made him feel he had to retaliate to maintain his self-pride. Once he acquired some empathy, he was able to see that his righteous indignation was caused entirely and exclusively by his own distorted thoughts and
not
the waiter’s actions. It is often extremely difficult for angry-prone individuals to accept this at first because they have a nearly irresistible urge to blame others and to retaliate. How about you? Does the idea that many of your angry thoughts are invalid seem abhorrent and unacceptable?
The empathy technique can also be quite useful when the other person’s actions appear more obviously and intentionally hurtful. A twenty-eight-year-old woman named Melissa sought counseling around the time she was separating from her husband, Howard. Five years earlier Melissa discovered that Howard was having an affair with Ann, an attractive secretary who worked in his building. This revelation was a heavy blow to Melissa, but to make matters even worse, Howard was hesitant to make a clean break with Ann, and so the affair dragged on for eight additional months. The humiliation and rage Melissa felt during this period was a major factor that led to her ultimate decision to leave him. Her thoughts ran along these lines: (1) He had no right to act like that. (2) He was self-centered. (3) It was unfair. (4) He was a bad, rotten person. (5) I must have failed.