Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (38 page)

VII. Autonomy
. Items 31 through 35 measure your autonomy. This refers to your ability to find happiness within
yourself. A positive score indicates that all your moods are ultimately the children of your thoughts and attitudes. You assume responsibility for your feelings because you recognize they are ultimately created by you. This
sounds
as if you might be lonely and isolated because you realize that all meaning and feelings are created only in your head. Paradoxically, however, this vision of autonomy frees you from the petty confines of your mind and delivers the world to you with a full measure of all the satisfaction, mystery, and excitement that it can offer.

A negative score suggests you are still trapped in the belief that-your potential for joy and self-esteem comes from the outside. This puts you at a great disadvantage because everything outside is ultimately beyond your control. Your moods end up the victim of external factors. Do you want this? If not, you can eventually free yourself from this attitude as surely as a snake sheds its skin, but you will have to work at it with the various methods outlined in this book. When it’s finally your turn to experience the transformation to autonomy and personal responsibility, you will be amazed—or awestruck—or pleased—or delightfully overwhelmed. It’s well worth a major personal commitment.

In the following chapters a number of these attitudes and value systems will be examined in detail. As you study each one, ask yourself: (1) Is it to my advantage to maintain this particular belief? (2) Is this belief really true and valid? (3) What specific steps can I take that will allow me to rid myself of attitudes that are self-defeating and unrealistic, and substitute others that are more objective and more self-enhancing?

Let’s consider your belief that it would be
terrible
if someone disapproved of you. Why does disapproval pose such a threat? Perhaps your reasoning goes like this: “If one person disapproves of me, it means that everyone would disapprove of me. It would mean there was something wrong with me.”

If these thoughts apply to you, your moods will shoot up every time you are being stroked. You reason, “I got some positive feedback so I can feel good about myself.”

Why is this illogical? Because you are overlooking the fact that it is only your thoughts and beliefs which have the power to elevate your spirits. Another person’s approval has no ability to affect your mood unless you believe what he or she says is valid. But if you believe the compliment is earned, it is
your belief
which makes you feel good. You must validate external approval before you experience mood elevation. This validation represents your personal self-approval.

Suppose you were visiting the psychiatric ward of a hospital. A confused, hallucinating patient approaches you and says, “You are wonderful. I had a vision from God. He told me the thirteenth person to walk through the door would be the Special Messenger. You are the thirteenth, so I know
you are God’s Chosen One, the Prince of Peace, the Holy of Holies. Let me kiss your shoe.” Would this extreme approval elevate your mood? You’d probably feel nervous and uncomfortable. That’s because you don’t believe what the patient is saying is valid. You discredit the comments. It is only
your
beliefs about yourself that can affect the way you feel. Others can say or think whatever they want about you, good or bad, but only your thoughts will influence your emotions.

The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnerability to the opinions of others. Like any addict, you will find you must continue to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdrawal pangs. The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully, just like the junkie who can no longer get his “stuff.” Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You will have to give in to their demands more often than you want to because you fear they might reject or look down on you. You set yourself up for emotional blackmail.

You may come to see that your addiction to approval is not to your advantage, but still believe that other people
really do
have the right to judge not only the merit of what you do and say but also your worth as a human being. Imagine that you made a second visit to the psychiatric hospital ward. This time a different hallucinating patient approaches you and says, “You’re wearing a red shirt. This shows you are the Devil! You are evil!” Would you feel bad because of this criticism and disapproval? Of course not. Why would these disapproving words not upset you? It’s simple—because you don’t believe the statements are true. You must “buy into” the other person’s criticism—and believe that you are in fact no good—in order to feel bad about yourself.

Did it ever occur to you that if someone disapproves of you, it might be
his
or
her
problem? Disapproval often reflects other people’s irrational beliefs. To take an extreme
example. Hitler’s hateful doctrine that Jews were inferior did not reflect anything about the inner worth of the people he intended to destroy.

There will, of course, be many occasions when disapproval will result from an actual error on your part. Does it follow that you are a worthless, no-good person? Obviously not. The other person’s negative reaction can only be directed toward a
specific
thing you did, not at your worth. A human being
cannot
do wrong things
all
the time!

Let’s look at the other side of the coin. Many well-known criminals have had bands of fervent admirers regardless of how repulsive and abhorrent their crimes. Consider Charles Manson. He promoted sadism and murder, yet was regarded as a messiah by his numerous followers, who seemed to do whatever he suggested. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not advocating atrocious behavior, nor am I an admirer of Charles Manson. But ask yourself these questions: If Charles Manson did not end up totally rejected for what he did or said, what have
you
ever done that was so terrible that you will be rejected by everyone? And do you still believe in the equation: approval = worth? After all, Charles Manson enjoyed the intense adulation of his “family.” Did the approval he received make him an especially worthy person? This is obvious nonsense.

It’s a fact that approval
feels good
. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s natural and healthy. It is also a fact that disapproval and rejection usually taste bitter and unpleasant. This is human and understandable. But you are swimming in deep, turbulent waters if you continue to believe that approval and disapproval are the proper and ultimate yardsticks with which to measure your worth.

Did you ever criticize someone? Did you ever disagree with a friend’s opinion? Did you ever scold a child because of his or her behavior? Did you ever snap at a loved one when you were feeling irritable? Did you ever choose not to associate with someone whose behavior was distasteful to you? Then ask yourself—when you disagreed, or criticized, or disapproved—were you making the ultimate moral
judgment that the other person was a totally worthless, no-good human being? Do you have the power to make such sweeping judgments about other people? Or were you simply expressing the fact that you held a different point of view and were upset with what the other person did or said?

For example, in the heat of anger you may have blurted out to your spouse, “You’re no damn good!” But when the flame cools down a day or two later, didn’t you admit to yourself that you were exaggerating the extent of his or her “badness”? Sure, your loved one may have many faults, but isn’t it absurd to think your outburst of disapproval or criticism makes him or her totally and forever worthless? If you admit your disapproval does not contain enough moral atomic power to devastate the meaning and value of another person’s life, why give
their
disapproval the power to wipe out
your
sense of self-worth? What makes
them
so special? When you tremble in terror because someone dislikes you, you magnify the wisdom and knowledge that person possesses, and you have simultaneously sold yourself short as being unable to make sound judgments about yourself. Of course, someone might point out a flaw in your behavior or an error in your thinking. I hope they will because you can learn this way. After all, we’re all imperfect, and others have the
right
to tell us about it from time to time. But are you obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself every time someone flies off the handle or puts you down?

The Origin of the Problem
. Where did you get this approval addiction in the first place? We can only speculate that the answer may lie in your interactions with people who were important to you when you were a child. You may have had a parent who was unduly critical when you misbehaved, or who was irritable even at times when you weren’t doing anything particularly wrong. Your mother may have snapped, “You’re
bad
for doing that!” or your father may have blurted out, “You’re
always
goofing up. You’ll never learn.”

As a small child you probably saw your parents as gods.
They taught you how to speak and tie your shoes, and
most
of what they told you was valid. If Daddy said, “You will be killed if you walk out into traffic,” this was
literally true
. Like most children, you might have assumed that nearly everything your parents said was true. So when you heard “You’re
no good
” and “You’ll
never learn,
” you literally
believed
it and this hurt badly. You were too young to be able to reason, “Daddy is
exaggerating
and
overgeneralizing
.” And you didn’t have the emotional maturity to see that Daddy was irritable and tired that day, or perhaps had been drinking and wanted to be left alone. You couldn’t determine whether his outburst was
his
problem or yours. And if you were old enough to suggest he was being unreasonable, your attempts to put things into a sane perspective may have been rapidly deprogrammed and discouraged with a swift smack on the behind.

No wonder you developed the bad habit of automatically looking down on yourself every time someone disapproved of you. It wasn’t your fault that you picked up this tendency as a child, and you can’t be blamed for growing up with this blind spot. But it
is
your responsibility as an adult to think the issue through realistically, and to take specific steps to outgrow this particular vulnerability.

Just how does this fear of disapproval predispose you to anxiety and depression? John is an unmarried, soft-spoken fifty-two-year-old architect who lives in fear of criticism. He was referred for treatment because of a severe recurring depression, which had not diminished in spite of several years of therapy. One day when he was feeling particularly good about himself, he approached his boss enthusiastically with some new ideas about an important project. The boss snapped, “Later, John.
Can’t you see I’m busy
!” John’s self-esteem collapsed instantly. He dragged himself back to his office, drowning in despair and self-hatred, telling himself he was no good. “How could I have been so thoughtless?” he asked himself.

As John shared this episode with me, I asked him the simple and obvious questions, “Who was the one who was
acting goofy—you or your boss? Were you actually behaving in an inappropriate manner, or was your boss acting irritable and unpleasant?” After a moment’s reflection, he was able to identify the true culprit. The possibility that the boss was acting obnoxiously had not occurred to him because of his automatic habit of blaming himself. He felt relief when he suddenly realized he had absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in how he had acted. His boss, who was aloof, was probably under pressure himself and off the mark that day.

John then raised the question, “Why am I always struggling so hard for approval? Why do I fall apart like this?” He then remembered an event that occurred when he was twelve. His only sibling, a younger brother, had tragically died after a long bout with leukemia. After the funeral he overheard his mother and grandmother talking in the bedroom. His mother was weeping bitterly and said, “Now I’ve got
nothing
to live for.” His grandmother responded, “Shush. Johnny is just down the hall! He might hear you!”

As John shared this with me, he began to weep. He
had
heard these comments, and they meant to him, “This proves I’m not worth much. My brother was the important one. My mother doesn’t really love me.” He never let on that he had been listening, and through the years he tried to push the memory out of his mind by telling himself, “It really isn’t important whether or not she loves me anyway.” But he struggled intensely to please his mother with his achievements and his career in a desperate bid to win her approval. In his heart he didn’t believe he had any true worth, and perceived himself as inferior and unlovable. He tried to compensate for his missing self-esteem by earning other people’s admiration and approval. His life was like a constant effort to inflate a balloon with a hole in it.

After recalling this incident, John was able to see the irrationality of his reaction to the comments he had overheard in the hall. His mother’s bitterness, and the emptiness she felt, were a natural part of the grieving process that any parent goes through when a child dies. Her comments had
nothing to do with John
, but only with her temporary depression and despair.

Putting this memory into a new perspective helped John see how illogical and self-defeating it was to link his worth to the opinions of others. Perhaps you too are beginning to see that your belief in the importance of external approval is highly unrealistic. Ultimately you, and only you, can make yourself consistently happy. No one else can. Now, let’s review some simple steps that you can take to put these principles into practice so you can transform your desire for self-esteem and self-respect into an emotional reality.