Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (41 page)

Were these advantages real or imaginary? Although Roberta had believed for many years that she couldn’t exist without a man, this attitude still hadn’t brought a desirable mate. She admitted that making men so totally important in her life was not the magic charm that would bring one to her doorstep. She acknowledged that clinging and dependent individuals often demand so much attention from other people and appear so needy that they have great difficulty not only initially attracting people of the opposite sex but also maintaining an ongoing relationship. Roberta was able to grasp the idea that people who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy. Ironically, it is usually the dependent woman, the “man-aholic,” who ends up alone.

This really isn’t so surprising. If you take the position you “need” someone else for a sense of worth, you broadcast the following: “Take me! I have no inherent worth! I can’t stand myself!” No wonder there are so few buyers! Of course, your unstated demand does not endear people to you either: “Since you’re
obliged
to love me, you’re rotten shit if you don’t.”

You may cling to your dependency because of the erroneous
notion that if you do achieve independence, others will see you as a rejecting person and you will end up alone. If this is your fear, you are equating dependency with warmth. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you are lonely and dependent, your anger and resentment stem from the fact that you feel deprived of the love you believe you are entitled to receive from others. This attitude drives you farther into isolation. If you are more independent, you are not
obliged
to be alone—you simply have the capacity to feel happy when you are alone. The more independent you are, the more secure you will be in your feelings. Furthermore, your moods will not go up and down at someone else’s mercy. After all, the amount of love that someone can feel for you is often quite unpredictable. They may not appreciate everything about you, and they may not act in an affectionate way all the time. If you are willing to learn to love yourself, you will have a far more dependable and continuous source of self-esteem.

The first step is to find out if you
want
independence. All of us have a much greater chance of achieving our goals if we understand what they are. It helped Roberta to realize that her dependency was condemning her to an empty existence. If you are still clinging to the notion that it is desirable to be “dependent,” list the advantages, using the double-column technique. Spell out how you benefit if you let love determine your personal worth. Then in order to assess the situation objectively, write down the counterarguments, or rational responses, in the right-hand column. You may learn that the advantages of your love addiction are partially or totally illusory. Figure 12–1 shows how a woman with a problem similar to Roberta’s assessed these issues. This written exercise motivated her to look within herself for what she had been seeking in others, and enabled her to see that her dependency was the real enemy because it incapacitated her.

Perceiving the Difference Between Loneliness and Being Alone
. As you read the previous section you may have concluded that it would be to your advantage if you could learn to regulate your moods and find happiness within yourself. This would give you the capacity to feel as alive when you are alone as when you are with someone you love. But you may be thinking, “That all sounds well and good, Dr. Burns, but it is not realistic. The truth is that it is undeniably emotionally inferior to be alone. All my life I have known that love and happiness are identical, and all my friends agree. You can philosophize until you’re blue in the face. But when it comes down to the bottom line, love is where it’s at and being alone is a curse!”

Figure 12–1.
An Analysis of the Presumed “Advantages” of Being a “Love Junkie.”

In fact, many people are convinced that love makes the world go around. You see this message in ads, you hear it in popular songs, you read it in poems.

You can however convincingly disprove your assumption that love is necessary before you can experience happiness. Let’s take a hard look at the equation, alone = lonely.

Consider, first, that we get many of life’s basic satisfactions by ourselves. For example, when you climb a mountain, pick a flower, read a book, or eat a hot fudge sundae, you do not require someone else’s company for these experiences to be enjoyable. A physician can enjoy the satisfaction of treating a patient whether or not he and the patient are involved in a meaningful personal relationship. When writing a book, an author is generally by himself or herself. As most students know, you do most of your learning when you are alone. The list of pleasures and satisfactions that you can enjoy when alone is endless.

This indicates that many sources of gratification are accessible to you whether or not you are with someone else. Can you add to that list? What are some pleasures that you can have alone? Do you ever listen to good music on your stereo? Do you enjoy gardening? Jogging? Carpentry? Hiking? A lonely bank teller named Janet, who was recently separated from her husband, enrolled in a creative dancing class and found (to her surprise) that she could derive enormous pleasure from practicing by herself at home. As she became caught up in the rhythm of the movements, she felt
at peace with herself in spite of the fact that she had no one to love.

Perhaps you are thinking now, “Oh, Dr. Burns, is that your point? Well, it’s
trivial
!. Of course, I can experience temporary moments of mediocre distraction by doing things when I’m alone. This might take the edge off the blues, but those things are just some crumbs from the table that might keep me from starving totally. I want the banquet, the real thing! Love! True and complete happiness!”

That was exactly what Janet told me before she enrolled in the dancing class. Because she assumed it was miserable to be alone, it hadn’t occurred to her to do enjoyable things and care for herself during the separation from her husband. She had been living according to a double standard whereby if she was with her husband, she would go to great lengths to plan pleasurable activities, but when she was alone, she would simply mope and do very little. This pattern obviously functioned as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she did in fact find it unpleasant to be alone. Why? Simply because she failed to treat herself in a caring way. It had never occurred to her to challenge her lifelong assumption that all her activities would be unsatisfactory unless she had someone to share them with. On another occasion, instead of heating a TV dinner after work, Janet decided to plan a special meal, just as if she were going to entertain a man she cared a lot about. She carefully prepared her dinner and set the table with candles. She began with a glass of fine wine. After dinner she read a good book and listened to her favorite music. To her amazement, she found the evening a total pleasure. The next day, which was Saturday, Janet decided to go to the art museum alone. She was surprised to discover that she got more enjoyment out of this excursion alone than she had in the past when dragging her reluctant and disinterested husband along.

As a result of adopting an active, compassionate attitude toward herself, Janet discovered for the first time in her life that she could not only make it on her own but could really enjoy herself.

As is so often the case, she began to generate an infectious joy of living that caused many individuals to feel attracted to her, and she began to date. In the meantime her husband began to get disillusioned with his girl friend and wanted his wife back. He noticed Janet was happy as a lark without him, and at this point the tables began to turn. After Janet told him she no longer wanted him back, he suffered a severe depression. She ultimately established a very satisfying relationship with another man and remarried. The key to her success was simple—as a first step, she proved that she could develop a relationship with herself. After this, the rest was easy.

I don’t expect you to rely on my word on this topic, or even on the reports of others like Janet who have learned how to experience the joys of self-reliance. Instead, I propose you perform a series of experiments, just as Janet did, to test out your belief that “being alone is a curse.” If you are willing to do this, you can arrive at the truth in an objective, scientific manner.

To help you, I have developed the “Pleasure-Predicting Sheet” shown in Figure 12–2. This form is divided into a series of columns in which you predict and record the actual amount of satisfaction you derive from various work and recreational activities you engage in when alone, as well as from those you share with other people. In the first column, record the date of each experiment. In the second column, write down several activities that you plan to do as a part of that day’s experiments. I suggest that you carry out a series of forty or fifty experiments over a two- to three-week period. Choose activities that would ordinarily give you a sense of accomplishment or pleasure, or which have the potential for learning or personal growth. In the third column, record who you do the activity with. If you do it alone, write “self” in this column. (This word will remind you that you are never really alone, since you are always with yourself!) In the fourth column, predict the satisfaction you think you will derive from this activity, estimating it on a scale of between 0 and 100 percent. The higher the number, the greater the anticipated satisfaction. Fill in the fourth column
before
you do each planned activity, not after!

Figure 12–2.
The Pleasure-Predicting Sheet.

Once you have filled in the columns, proceed with the activities. Once they are completed, record the actual satisfaction in the last column, using the same 0- to 100-percent rating system.

After you have performed a series of such experiments, you will be able to interpret the data you have collected. You can learn many things. First, by comparing the predicted satisfaction (column four) with the actual satisfaction (column five), you will be able to find out how accurate your predictions are. You may find that you typically underestimate the amount of satisfaction you anticipate experiencing, especially when doing things alone. You might also be surprised to learn that activities with others are not always as satisfying as anticipated. In fact, you may even find that there are many times when it was
more
enjoyable to be alone, and you might discover that the highest ratings you received when you were alone were equal to or higher than those for activities involving others. It can be helpful to compare the amount of satisfaction you derived from work activities versus pleasurable activities. This information can help you achieve an optimal balance between work and fun as you continue to plan your activities.