Feeling Sorry for Celia (16 page)

You could get some weight-lifting muscle-man leaning over my Maths teacher’s shoulder, going ‘get a bloody move on, you moron’.

I shouldn’t have talked about weight-lifting. Now I’m thinking about Derek’s body again.

But anyway, so I’m not having a baby and I’ve got a career sorted out, so I feel much better.

Oh and guess what? Maddie’s coma-boy woke up. But guess what else? Maddie’s already in love with somebody else – it’s that first guy who she’s been in love with all along. You know she started going out with coma-boy so she could make his friend jealous? So the friend came to the hospital to visit coma-boy while Maddie was there, singing lullabies for him. And the friend tells Maddie she’s got the most beautiful lullaby voice he ever encountered. So coma-boy wakes up, and Maddie tells him she’s leaving him for his best friend. Nice. It’s amazing he didn’t fall back into a coma. She hadn’t even got the best friend yet, but that’s her style: she just announces she’s going to get someone and she does. I guess him liking her singing voice is a pretty big start because man, she’s got the worst singing voice.

OKAY, I have to go. I almost said ‘see you soon’ just men,
but I guess I won’t. We should meet some time though, don’t you reckon?

Love from Christina

Dear Christina,

I just finished reading all the letters that you sent while I was away. My English teacher collected them for me and labelled them and everything. DON’T WORRY. He didn’t read them. The envelopes were sealed up properly. I checked.

I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry that I wasn’t here when you were going through all that stuff.

I feel really guilty. I hate myself. I’m so glad that you feel better now, and you’re not pregnant and everything. And you’ve got a career. Management consultant. That sounds cool.

But you and Derek broke up and I can’t believe it. You sound like you’re coping well, but I bet you’re really sad. Do you think there’s any chance of getting back together? Are you okay?

Getting your letters was the best thing that happened to me all day. I waited till I got home to read them, so that I’d have something to look forward to. Then I read them lying on my bed and eating a raspberry pop-tart. I hope that’s all right.

Something happened to me but I don’t really feel like talking about it. For one thing I’m always talking about myself instead of about you, and now I feel guilty and I hate myself because I wasn’t here when you needed me.

I was rescuing Celia.

And maybe I should have left her right where she was.

Anyway, I think I might go watch TV. I’m sorry I don’t feel like writing any more. I feel kind of drained of energy – like I’ve hit the wall. (That’s marathon talk – it happens when your muscles can’t take in any more oxygen and you feel like you’re about to die.)

But I got you this charm at the shops today, to try and make you feel better about stuff. I’ve got a feeling you’re not the type of person to have a charm bracelet but this one’s kind of funny, it’s not like a star or a princess or anything. It’s got a really cute face, don’t you reckon?

Also here’s some raspberry that I accidentally got on the letter (eating my third raspberry pop-tart today), but it’s kind of pretty:

Anyway.

Write soon,

Love from Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

What happened to you?

Tell me.

Don’t be stupid – you do
not
always talk about yourself, you walrus-head. I always talk about myself. You’re a fantastic letter-listener and you sent me a charm that I
love
and I put it on a piece of string around my neck, and it’s very very cute. THANK YOU. And you always say the right thing
in your letters and you always guess how I’m feeling.

Like about Derek. It’s true that I’m just kind of pretending not to mind that we’ve broken up. I don’t have any idea if we’re going to get back together again. Sometimes I think there’s no way possible, and it’s like we’re strangers who never spoke to each other before. But other times I think for sure we will, and we know everything about each other, and it’s just stupid that we’re not together now.

Sometimes I think, well I wasn’t planning on
marrying
him anyway, so maybe I should just try meeting someone new, and it even seems kind of exciting. Other times I see him coming towards me across the art room, and I forget we’ve broken up and I think he’s going to give me a big gorilla hug because he’s got that weird smile on his face that he gets when he’s going to give me a big gorilla hug. But then he walks straight past me, and he’s just smiling in his gorilla hug way at the ‘WASH ALL PAINT PALETTES BEFORE YOU LEAVE’ sign on the wall.

Anyway, I want to send this right away so you get it today, because I’m worried about you. What happened to you? How come you said you should have left Celia where she was? Did Celia do something bad to you?

But if you really don’t feel like talking about it, that’s fine, you don’t have to. But maybe it’ll make you feel better. And DEFINITELY DON’T keep quiet about it just because you feel guilty.

You haven’t got anything to feel guilty about.

Write soon.

Love from Christina

Dear Christina,

Your letter made me cry. Because you’re the nicest person in the world I think, maybe.

I’m not really doing anything. I’m just lying on my bed and it’s the middle of the night and I haven’t gone to sleep yet. The blind is hanging crookedly and letting moon shadows fall all over the wall.

I can’t do anything except lie on my back, and think all around my empty room, listening to nothing. I would listen to music but it might wake my mum up.

I had such a long, long, long shower. You would go mad at me if you were one of those consultant people that you’re going to turn into. I was so slow and wasteful. I twisted the shower around so it sprayed against the wall and I just leaned there with the water making patterns all around me and sliding down the tiles.

The last few days I’ve been feeling like I can hear people crying everywhere. Behind the shower water I could hear a sound like someone just sobbing and sobbing. I hear it behind everything. Behind the noise of the school bell ringing, or the noise of everyone talking in the canteen, or even the noise of a teacher shouting at someone. Behind my music, behind lawn mowers, behind the television, all I can hear is a sound like somebody crying.

It stops when the music stops, or the lawn mower stops, or when I switch off the TV. Or when I turn off the taps of the shower.

Sometimes, behind the shower and behind the music, and behind the crying, I hear the telephone ringing too.

Sometimes I am so sure that the phone is ringing I turn
off the shower and stand there naked listening.

It’s never the telephone. The telephone never rings.

Do you think there’s something wrong with me?

Love from

Elizabeth

PS You asked what happened to me, and I don’t mind telling you, that’s fine. It was nothing really. Nothing important like thinking I’m pregnant or breaking up with a boyfriend. It was just something small and stupid. I’m too embarrassed to tell you because it’s small and stupid. Maybe tomorrow.

Dearest, dearest Elizabeth,

You are crazy.

Not because you’re hearing sounds and everything, I’ve got a feeling that’s normal. I asked my mother about it and she said she gets exactly the same thing. (I didn’t tell her it was you, I just asked her like
hypothetically
). That’s the crying sound – my mum gets that too. That’s probably because she’s got hyper-sensitive baby radar switched on, and she’s hearing all the babies in the world whenever they cry. Maybe you’ve got the same thing? Maybe you’re hearing LAUREN cry whenever you hear a crying sound? She’s crying a lot lately because she’s getting a new tooth, so probably that’s it.

But the telephone ringing sound, everybody gets. I do for sure. The whole time I’m working in the florist shop I’m picking up the phone and there’s nobody there. It turns
out it was just a bird singing or someone wheeling a rubbish bin round the back of the shop.

It’s because I keep expecting the phone to ring, because I think Derek’s going to call.

But he hasn’t called.

Anyway, you’re still crazy. Because it’s crazy to be too embarrassed to tell me something that has got you upset. God, Derek’s an idiot who can’t stop talking about his muscles and whistling stupid shit – how can it be the biggest thing in the world that we broke up? It’s not. And it’s
not
important that I thought I
was
pregnant. It would be important if I was pregnant, but I’m not. Even if I was, that wouldn’t make things that happened to you stupid. Anything that makes you feel unhappy is important and I really want to know, and see if I can help you.

Please stop being crazy.

Lots of love,

Christina

Dear Christina,

Okay, I’ll tell you what happened.

But trust me, it’s just stupid.