Feeling Sorry for Celia (30 page)

Keep having fun at the camp and don’t take any notice of your neglectful mother insights or your Team Leader’s insights. Because they’re way wrong. And don’t worry, we didn’t wreck the house last night. They’re all still here except Anonymous Boy – he left in a taxi really early this morning before I’d woken up – and I just got up because I wanted to write to you, but I’m about to leave and go
running, so they might wreck the house while I’m gone.

Sony about that.

See ya.

Love

from

your

daughter

Elizabeth

PS I just realised that I told you we drank your Bacardi. Do you want me to cross that bit out? Because you’re not supposed to tell your mother that you raided her alcohol cupboard, are you? Everyone was saying I should refill the bottle with water so you wouldn’t know, but I told them you’d be cool about it. Which is true, right?

To:
ELIZABETH CLARRY

From:
HER MUM

Re:
ELIZABETH! YOU ARE WRONG! YOU MUST
NEVER
FILL IN FORMS! THAT WOULD MAKE YOU A
CONFORMIST
!

No. Pages:

ELIZABETH!!!

I AM FAXING YOU BACK RIGHT AWAY TO SAY THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR FAX WHICH WAS DELIVERED TO ME WITH MY BREAKFAST CROISSANTS. IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO WRITE, BUT IT WAS EXTREMELY CRUEL OF YOU N OT TO TELL ME WHICH BOY TURNED O UT TO BE ANONYMOUS BOY. YOU KNOW THAT I DO N OT LIKE SUSPENSE. FOR EXAMPLE, I ALWAYS READ THE LAST PAGE OF A DETECTIVE NOVEL BEFORE I BEGIN READING
IT, AND USUALLY DON’T EVEN READ THE NOVEL ITSELF. YOU KNOW THAT PERFECTLY WELL.

BUT YOUR OTHER NEWS WAS
EXTRAORDINARY
. I THINK IT’S PROBABLY A VERY MEANINGFUL COINCIDENCE THAT YOUR NEW FRIEND CHRISTINA TURNED OUT TO BE CONNECTED TO RICKY CLARRY. IN SOME STRANGE WAY IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THE WHOLE THING.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR NICE WORDS ABOUT ALL THAT TOO. I WOULD ALSO CHOOSE YOU BEFORE YOUR FATHER, LIKE A SHOT, SO WE ARE WELL SUITED FOR EACH OTHER.

AND I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET YOUR NEW FRIENDS. PLEASE TELL THEM N OT TO PUT WATER IN MY BACARDI.

I HAVE TO G O BECAUSE WE HAVE A BRAINSTORMING SESSION LINED UP.

SEE YOU SOON.

LOVE

YOUR MUM

Dear Elizabeth,

Just writing to confirm with you that the Anonymous Note-Writer has now been identified. We understand that the boy in question actually attended a party at your house last night? That while there he told ghost stories and did magic tricks?

In order that we can close our file could you please confirm that the boy was, in fact, Jared Henderson, alias Grunge boy?

All the best,

Society of Amateur Detectives

Dear Elizabeth,

Actually, before we close the file, can we just say this?

We suspect that, last night, when you stood at your front door and watched a car pull up, watched a passenger door open, watched a boy emerge – we suspect that right until that very moment, you believed that it was Quiet boy.

Intuitively, without any particular evidence, that’s what you thought isn’t it?

And you were surprised, weren’t you, to see that it was a tall boy, a lanky boy, whose knees came out of the car first and surprised you with their frayed black jeans? You were surprised to see the dark hair and the lean as he waved goodbye to his mother, and stood back from the car, and looked up at you with a wicked grin on his face?

One clue that might have given it away is this: Anonymous Boy must have had quick and magical fingers to get those notes into your bag without you noticing; Grunge boy must have had quick and magical fingers to slip his bus pass to his friend, that day. Remember, Elizabeth?

You disappoint us!

Nevertheless, it was a pleasure working with you, and we wish you all the best in future unsolved mysteries, and we are,

Yours truly,

Society of Amateur Detectives

Elizabeth,

Grunge boy is sexier than Quiet boy.

His clothes are sexily scruffy, his hair falls sexily into his eyes, his eyes are sexily dark.

He can play the drums, he is a poet, and he is a magician.

You may have been surprised that it was Grunge boy, Elizabeth, but secretly – you’re over the moon.

Aren’t you?

The Young Romance Society

Dear Elizabeth,

We’re all about to leave. Sony we can’t wait for you to get back from your run (I guess that’s where you are and I bet I’m right, because I know you better than anyone else). We tried to clean up a bit but we couldn’t get the salsa out of the carpet. I think Celia might have broken the vacuum cleaner too, and Ricky made it worse when he tried to fix it.

Everyone says they had the BEST time (and isn’t it WEIRD about Ricky being your BROTHER?) but I had an even better time.

I’m going to call Derek when I get home. Thanks for all your smart advice about that last night, and for finally helping me make a decision. Call me later today if you want.

Love,

Christina

Dear Elizabeth,

Very well. The party was a success – there was dancing and drinking and you stayed up until dawn. Well done.

And you liked him a lot, didn’t you? Grunge hoy – or Jared. But you were just TOO nervous to talk to him, weren’t you? You only talked to the whole group or to other members of the group. You couldn’t look him in the eye even when you HAD to talk to him, like to offer him chips and salsa, or to ask him to pass the remote control.

Perhaps he was too nervous to speak to you directly too – or perhaps he just did not like you – either way neither of you said more than three words to one another the entire night.

And either way you’re NEVER going to hear from him again. You know that, don’t you?

Excellent.

Yours sincerely,

The Association of Teenagers

Dear Elizabeth,

All right. We take that back.

The telephone just rang and we understand it was Jared phoning to ask you out tonight. And it’s only the day after the party too, which is actually quite remarkable.

You were perfectly friendly when you accepted (maybe too friendly?) and you didn’t sound ridiculously nervous.

We have doubts about how you’ll cope on the actual date, of course, but we believe we will pass you over to the Young Romance Society to deal with this.

With best wishes,

The Association of Teenagers