Feeling This (22 page)

I head back to the room still unsettled. I just want to make sure she’s safe at least. When I get to the room, I grab my car keys and drive to the Ugly Duckling. The dash lights read 2:20. I’m sure the bar just closed. Maybe Derek will be there and he can at least give me her phone number. When I get there a petite blonde waitress comes to the door. A wide smile spreads across her face when I knock while looking through the narrow window. She unlocks the door opening it wide. I ask, “Is Derek still here?”

She shakes her head, “Nope, he left a little bit ago.”

She steps forward, “Can I help you?” A snide smile plays on her lips.

I shake my head but then remember seeing her earlier talking to Kimber.

“Do you, by any chance have Kimber’s number?”

Her smile widens, “I do.” I wait but she doesn’t move to retrieve it. I glance past her but no one else is in the room. Looking back to her, my impatience shows, “Well, can I get it?”

She twirls her hair in her finger while leaning on the door, “That depends, are you going to tell me why Derek rushed out of here to go and get her?”

Relieved to hear that she’s safe but still annoyed with this chick I shake my head. She pouts, “You’re no fun. Maybe you and Kimber were meant for each other.”

She turns and walks across the room, leaving me standing in the doorway alone. I shove my hands in my pockets, completely pissed at myself. She had to call her sister’s boyfriend to come and get her. She will never forgive me.

It seems like an eternity before she comes back with the number. I grasp it and leave the bar, immediately punching it into my phone, making sure to save it. Then I try to call but it just rings, going straight to voicemail. At the end of the robotic recording I clear my throat and begin, “Kimber, it’s Jordan. I’m sorry. That’s really all I can say is sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you again. I’m so sorry.” I hang up, not sure what else to say. Short of explaining things, there isn’t much I can tell her.

The next morning, I wake before sunrise tired from very little sleep. I drive to the Bruin ranch determined to talk to Kimber today. The morning drags on while we herd cattle and tend to the horses.

When lunch rolls around, Mrs. Bruin delivers the lunches. I should have known that would be the case. Kimber is going to do everything she can to avoid me. It feels as if years go by through the hours as they pass so slowly by, the second half of the day.

I start heading back to the barn after fixing another part of the fence. I keep playing everything from last night through my head and every time I come to the conclusion that I am just a prick. If the opportunity presented itself today I was set on telling Kimber about Susan, whatever it takes at this point, to keep her. Damn, I sound like a petulant child with a new toy.

I look up as I approach the lake and hear giggling. First, I spot the boys swinging into the lake. Then I spot Kimber a few feet away lying on a towel in the grass. She is staring at me but she looks away when my eyes meet hers. God is she beautiful. I change directions and walk with a purpose. This is the perfect opportunity to say what I need to. It’s time to grovel if I have to.

Halfway around the lake my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and glance at the screen. My mom is calling again. I have ignored her last four calls over the past two days. She is becoming more and more insistent though. I stop pissed off and hit the answer button, “Mom, what is it?”

“Jordan Rhodes, did I teach you nothing? That is no way to answer your phone.”

I take a deep breath trying to qualm my nerves, “Sorry. I’m just busy Mom. Is this an emergency?”

“Actually it is Jordan. I know Mr. Weller called you a few days ago. He really needs to talk to you.”

My hand automatically runs through my hair as I tell her in annoyance, “I gathered that but can’t this wait?”

Her voice takes on an urgent tone, “Jordan, it’s about Susan. I think you need to come home.”

My heart stops at the mention of her name. What could he possibly need to say to me that warrants me to drive back home?

“Can’t he just tell me over the phone?”

She says simply, “No.”

The seriousness in her tone and lack of explanation alert me that this might be something I need to hear. I make a decision, “Okay, I’ll be home in a few hours.”

I push the end button before she can say anything else. When I look back up, Kimber is staring at me. Her expression is curious and sad. I can’t talk to her now, not when I have to go home. It might be best to leave things as they are. Maybe she’s better off. She deserves someone who can give her his full heart and love her fully.  I continue walking past her, straight to the barn.

When it’s finally time to leave, Joe catches my arm as I turn to my car, “Hey Jordan?”

He is glaring at me. We haven’t seen each other all day except at lunch time when he didn’t say anything to me. When he has my attention, he states, “I heard there was a problem.”

I shake my head, ”I’m not sure I follow you, a problem with what?”

“Somthin’ happen with you and Kimber?”

I shake my head adamantly.

“Well I’ll tell you city boy.” He takes a step closer, “This is a small town and people talk. You get my meanin’?”

I nod, understanding what he is trying to tell me. What happened between Kimber and I is probably public knowledge. I feel like such a dick. I hang my head. He pats me on the shoulder, “Those Maguire women are good girls. They’ve had hard lives though. You gotta be gentle with ‘em.”

I walk away toward my car, knowing that I need to go home but I also need to make a decision about Kimber. I can’t go any further with her without telling her about Susan. Oh man Susan. I’ve been so broken up over Kimber, my reasons for being here were momentarily forgotten.

Chapter Twenty Four

When Jordan left the bed after we had sex, I felt almost the lowest I’ve ever felt. He got up and left without answering my question as if he was done with me. I wanted nothing more than to fold myself up into a tiny ball and disappear. It didn’t mean anything to him. To me it meant so much. But instead of remaining where I’d be subjected to more rejection, I got up and called Derek to come and get me. He was still at the Duck so he came right away.

The next day I called Heidi on the way to the ranch and told her a brief version of what happened. She was so pissed, she wanted to go to his motel and give him a piece of her mind. I talked her out of it, already knowing that he was at the ranch. I decided I would do everything possible to avoid him. I’m so angry with myself for falling for him, because that is really what happened. I realized it when I got home and cried myself to sleep. In the short span of time that Jordan Rhodes has been here, I’ve fallen for him. That is what makes this so much harder. I wanted last night to happen badly and I’m not sorry that we shared it. I’m just sorry that I’ve let myself be affected and have feelings for him.

All day long I stayed away from the windows for fear of catching a glimpse of him. When lunch time rolled around, Mrs. Bruin asked with a huge smile, if I wanted to take the lunches out. She had some sort of glitch in her voice as if she knew about Jordan and I. If only she knew the real story. I declined, favoring more games with the boys instead. They seemed to want to give me a hard time too. All day long, they begged me to take them to the lake and finally Mrs. Bruin intervened taking their side, “Kimber, I think some fresh air will do you and the boys some good.”

A deep sigh escapes me as I answer, “Yes, Ma’am.”

The boys change into swimming trunks and jump around to no avail as I stall as much as I can. I’m terrified that we’ll run into Jordan out there. I’m liable to tell him off if I do see him with some choice words not appropriate for Michael and Martin’s ears. I grab the bag filled with towels from Mrs. Bruin’s waiting hand and trudge out the back door onto the porch. Michael pulls on my arm encouraging, “Kimber, come on, hurry up.”

He quickly lets go and scuttles after his brother now halfway across the field. I hold my hand up shielding my eyes and squint across the expanse of brown grass toward the boys. It’s a straight shot to the lake, about a half-mile’s walk. The horse and cow pastures are sprawled out on either side. There is always a chance we’ll run into someone on the way but I pray it’s not Jordan, if we have to see anyone.

Both boys look back at me when they enter the sparse cover of trees and Martin yells impatiently, “Come on Kimber.”

“I’m comin’ boys. Hold your horses.”

We finally come up to the lake and a light sheen of sweat is covering my skin. It’s a hot one today. Spring, almost summer time in Texas is scorching. I’ll be happy to have a small break in a few weeks from my classes. I’ll still spend it here at the ranch but I won’t have to find time to complete assignments. I climb out of my shorts and peel off my tank spreading a towel in the crisp grass. I lean back feeling the warmth against my skin.

The lake spans a good quarter mile. Nestled next to it with a branch out over a cove is a tall white ash. Mr. Bruin fastened a swing to the branch years ago. Jenna and I used to come out while we were still in high school and swim on days like this laying lazily in the grass to soak up the sun’s rays and swimming in the lake. The boys are already climbing the makeshift ladder leading up to the swing.

I call out to deaf ears, “Careful boys.”

Michael makes it up first, grasps the knotted rope and flies through the air yelling. He lets go and splashes into the murky water below. Martin follows and I wince as he falls nearly on top of his brother. They swim to the bank and hurry up to me. Martin pleads, “Come swing with us Kimber.”

I shake my head looking across the lake. Suddenly I’m self- conscious, afraid Jordan is near-by. I don’t spot anyone but I’m still leery. I tell him as his brother runs back to the tree, “In a little while, maybe I’ll swing with you.”

This seems to satisfy him because he runs to the tree calling, “No fair Michael. I was tryin’ ta get Kimber ta come. You promised ta wait.”

Michael is soaring through the air before his brother is half way up. I lean back further and watch across the lake as a figure comes into focus. He’s walking this way and I already know just from the broad shape and beautifully sculpted bare chest who it is. I was up close and personal with that chest last night. He comes closer to the other side of the lake but he’s looking down. Beautiful is the first word that comes to mind when I look across the lake at him. The sweat glistens off his chest when the sun hits it just right. I want to touch that chest and taste the saltiness. He glances up as if he can hear my thoughts. A pink blush spreads across my cheeks and I look away embarrassed that he saw me gawking. What is Jordan Rhodes doing to me? Sadness spreads through my middle, it seemed I was a conquest that he conquered, now he wants nothing to do with me. He stops and stares at me as if in contemplation. When he starts walking again, he angles as if he’s going to walk around the lake instead of pass it by. My heart speeds up that he might be headed this way. I brace myself and conjure up a speech that will make my point to him.

Suddenly he stops and looks down. He starts talking on his phone. He looks ahead and the expression on his face turns from bothered to concerned. When he hangs up he glances over at me looking ashamed. He starts walking again, right past us to the barn.

What the hell? I was convinced he was on his way over here. Now he’s done it again. For the third time his actions speak volumes louder than his words. I’m done with Jordan Rhodes. You can only burn me so many times before I’m finished with you. An involuntary ache finds a place in my chest. I get up and start to climb the ladder up the tree. Both boys are just climbing up the bank. They stand up cheering, “Yay, Kimber’s gonna jump!”

The rest of the day I turn my emotions off. Jordan Rhodes isn’t getting another thought from me.

When I got home Momma was the usual, complaining and whining about how horrible her life is. I couldn’t care though. I was too deep wallowing in my own pain as much as I tried to push it away all day. Rejection comes in many forms and I’ve endured it three times from the same man.
When are you going to learn Kimber?