Feels Like Family (11 page)

“But not all the way,” Helen said before she could stop herself.

Erik stared at her, his expression hard. “Meaning?”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it still seems as if some part of you died with your wife,” she suggested.

Rather than snapping at her again, he merely nodded. “I suppose that’s true.”

“You must have loved her very much,” she said.

“She was amazing.” His eyes filled with a sorrow that looked as raw as it must have on the day she died. “Not perfect. Not by a long shot, but amazing just the same.”

Helen couldn’t turn away, even though witnessing that much pain seemed intrusive. Forcing herself to seek out the children in the play area, she thought what a shame it was for a man as decent as Erik to have shut himself off emotionally.

“Why are you suddenly so pensive?” Erik asked. “I didn’t mean to bring you down.”

“I guess I’m a little envious,” she admitted. “I’ve had a few relationships, if you can call them that, but no one’s ever meant as much to me as your wife obviously did to you. I’m not sure I even believed until recently that love could run that deep.”

“What happened recently to convince you it’s possible?”

“Seeing Cal and Maddie together,” she told him. “And
lately even Dana Sue and Ronnie are making a believer out of me.”

“I suspect it’s your line of work that’s made you so cynical,” Erik said.

“You’re not the first to tell me that,” she returned.

“Ever thought about practicing a different kind of law?”

She shook her head. “Not really. I like sticking up for women whose marriages have crumbled. They’re usually so emotionally shattered that they need someone in their corner who’s strong enough to fight for what they deserve.”

“But look at the toll it’s taken on you,” he said. “By your own admission, you’ve shut yourself off emotionally.”

“So have you,” she retorted.

He gave her a rueful smile. “Touché. But at least I loved once with everything in me.”

She nodded slowly. For the first time she really understood what Tennyson meant when he wrote that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. She glanced back at the play area to see Mack and Daisy starting to squabble. “Right now, I think there are other issues in my life. Looks as if those two are getting tired. We should probably get them home.”

As Erik gathered them up and Helen waited for them, the oddest sensation stole through her. For just a fleeting instant, it felt as if she were part of a family.

And it felt really, really good.

Erik couldn’t seem to shake the dark mood that Helen’s questions had stirred in him. He knew it was only her natural curiosity that had made her pry into his past, but every reminder of what he’d lost when Samantha and his unborn child had died always took him right back to the night it
had happened. He’d gone over that night a thousand times, wondering if there had been anything at all he could have done differently, anything that would have changed the outcome. Every doctor and EMT he’d asked had assured him that he’d done everything exactly right, but their reassurances hadn’t been enough. He still blamed himself.

If it had been entirely up to him, he would have dropped Helen and the kids back at her place and headed straight home, but Daisy had other ideas.

“I’m going to read a story, remember?” she told him when he tried to make his excuses at the front door.

“I think Mack and Helen will be a great audience,” he told her. “You don’t need me.”

“Please?” she begged, regarding him with such a plaintive expression that he couldn’t say no.

“I’ll stay for half an hour,” he agreed reluctantly.

“Yea!” Daisy proclaimed. “I’ll get the book.”

“She’s got you wound around her finger,” Helen commented, shaking her head in amusement.

He shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a sucker for a woman who begs.”

“Just one more reason why you and I would be a disastrous match,” she responded. “I
never
beg.”

He laughed. “Add that to the list and tell Dana Sue next time she starts meddling.” He reached for Mack and took him from her. “He’s down for the count. I’ll put him in bed.”

Helen relinquished the boy. “Daisy’s going to be crushed that her audience has dwindled to just us.”

“I think it’s
us
who’re most important to her. Mack’s just her baby brother. She can read to him anytime.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to it. I can’t recall the last time I read a good dinosaur book.”

Erik settled Mack into his bed. It was made to look like a car and painted bright red. “You bought him a bed?” he asked Helen. “Why, if he’s only here for a short time?”

She flushed. “I wanted him to have something special. I thought it would turn this visit into more of an adventure.”

“He’s three. He could fall asleep on a rock.”

She chuckled. “I doubt that’s recommended, though.”

Erik tucked Mack under the covers, then turned to catch an oddly wistful expression on Helen’s face. “You okay?”

She nodded. “Seeing him like that, looking so innocent and sweet, just reminds me of what I’ve missed.”

It wasn’t the first time tonight she’d come close to admitting that her life hadn’t turned out the way she’d anticipated. Just proved that people were more complicated than they appeared.

“You wanted kids?” he asked.

“I took for granted that I’d have them, but time just slipped by,” she admitted. “I’ve been regretting that lately.”

“It’s not too late,” he said, even as he added her desire for children to the list of reasons they were unsuited. “Women with careers are having kids at your age all the time now.”

“I know.”

“Well, then?”

“I’m still weighing my options,” she said. “I have to say that having Mack and Daisy here has been eye-opening.”

“In a good way?”

Her gaze still on Mack, she nodded. “Yeah, in a good way.”

Just then Daisy appeared in the doorway. “Are you
ever
coming to hear the story?”

Erik chuckled at her impatience. He swung her up in his
arms. “How about we tuck you in and Helen reads it to you?” he suggested. “Mack’s already asleep.”

Daisy regarded Helen somberly. “Would you? I like it when Mommy reads to me.”

Helen seemed vaguely startled by the request, but then her lips curved into a smile. “I would love to read it, but only if Erik makes all the dinosaur noises.”

“Done,” he said at once, surprisingly eager to share this experience with her.

He was seeing more and more sides to Helen these days and with each new one, his preconceptions were toppling like pins in a bowling alley. For a man determined to keep her at arm’s length, that was not a good thing.

S
everal days after the supper outing with Erik, on Saturday morning, Helen woke up to the sensation that someone was watching her. Cracking open one eye, she saw Mack standing beside the bed, a thumb stuck in his mouth. He looked as weary as she still felt, even after a full night’s sleep, the first she’d had since the kids had come to stay. For the second time in the past week, she told herself to find some backup ASAP.

She glanced at the clock and saw that it was already 8:00 a.m. She never slept that late, not even on weekends. No wonder Mack had come to find her. She listened intently and heard the TV going in the living room, which was apparently keeping the self-sufficient Daisy occupied.

Mack removed his thumb from his mouth long enough to ask hopefully, “You up?”

“I am now,” she confirmed. “Are you hungry?”

He nodded emphatically.

“Seems as if you could use some clean clothes, too,” she suggested. “You must be getting tired of that Spider-Man shirt.”

“No!” Mack said.

“Okay, then. How about I wash it this morning?”

“No!” he repeated.

Oh, well, it was hardly worth fighting about. First thing Monday she’d send Barb out to see if she could find a few more identical Spider-Man shirts.

In the meantime, she dragged on a robe and headed for the living room, Mack toddling along behind. Daisy was sitting in front of the TV—and she was crying! Helen felt her throat catch at the sight of her. She looked so lost and alone despite her cheery pink T-shirt, orange shorts and bright red sneakers. Her silky hair was tangled and tears stained her cheeks.

Helen immediately crossed the room and sat down beside her, gathering her close. “Oh, sweetie, what’s wrong?”

Daisy lifted her damp face to Helen and inquired pitifully, “Are we ever going to live with Mommy again?”

“Of course you are,” Helen said at once.

“When?”

“Very soon.”

“But when?” Daisy persisted.

“As soon as the doctor says she’s okay,” Helen said.

“Is she really, really sick?” Daisy asked. “When I’m sick, I only stay home from school for a little while. Mommy’s been sick for a long time now.” She glanced at Helen hopefully. “She didn’t look sick last time she came to see us. Maybe she’s better.”

How on earth could she explain this so a five-year-old would understand? Helen wondered. “I know it must seem like a long time, but you’ve only been with me for a couple of weeks,” she said, though she sensed that to a child two weeks could seem like an eternity. “And what your mommy has isn’t like a tummy ache or the measles,” she explained carefully. “It doesn’t just go away.”

“Then how can she get well?” Daisy asked, looking more perplexed than ever.

“She needs to rest and talk to some people and then she’ll be strong again.”

“But she’s really strong now,” Daisy protested. “She can lift all sorts of stuff.”

Helen concluded she was only making things worse. “How about this? Why don’t we call her right now, so you and Mack can talk to her? Maybe she’ll even have time to come by before she goes to work.”

Daisy’s eyes lit up, even though they were still shimmering with tears. “We can call her?”

“Of course you can,” Helen said, regretting that she hadn’t told Daisy that much sooner. Instead, she’d relied on Karen to call and stop by. Obviously Daisy needed to know she could make a call herself if she wanted to. “You get the portable phone and I’ll help you make the call.”

Daisy scrambled off the sofa and ran to the table where the phone rested in its base.

“Talk,” Mack commanded.

“In a minute,” Daisy said to him, then added proudly to Helen. “I know my phone number.”

“Then you can punch it in,” Helen said.

A moment later, Karen obviously answered because a smile broke across Daisy’s face.

“Mommy! It’s me.”

“I talk to Mommy, too!” Max wailed.

Helen gave Daisy an imploring look that had her handing over the phone. Mack babbled happily for a minute, then Daisy yanked the phone back.

“Mommy, can you come over?”

Whatever Karen said caused Daisy to frown and hold the phone out to Helen.

“She wants to talk to you,” she said, sounding betrayed.

Helen took the phone. “Hi, Karen.”

“Is everything okay?” Karen asked worriedly. “Daisy seems upset. Is she crying?”

“Yes, but everything’s fine, really. Daisy was just missing you a lot. I thought maybe you’d like to join us for breakfast if you have time.”

“Really?”

The surprised note in Karen’s voice puzzled her. “Of course. I told you you’d be welcome here anytime.”

“I know,” Karen said. “But the last time I was over, I had the feeling I was disrupting their new routine. Since you’ve been so great about keeping them, I didn’t want to make things more difficult for you.”

“Oh, Karen, I’m sorry,” Helen said, chagrined. “I had no idea I’d made you feel that way. Though no one’s a bigger fan of routine than I am, I’ve discovered that sometimes the best things in life happen unexpectedly. Please come over. They need to see their mom.”

“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” Karen promised, sounding as eager as Daisy. “And don’t cook. Let me do it. The least I can do is fix breakfast for all of you.”

“That would be wonderful,” Helen admitted. Her repertoire of cereal or scrambled eggs had worn thin days ago. “See you soon.”

“She’s coming?” Daisy asked the instant Helen clicked off the phone.

“In a few minutes,” Helen confirmed, picking up Mack. “Why don’t you wash your face and brush your teeth while I get dressed? I’ll braid your hair for you, if there’s time.”

“All right!” Daisy enthused, taking off.

But rather than going back to her room to change, Helen patted Mack’s back, loving the feel of his warm little body in her arms. For now he was perfectly content to have her hold him, something she knew wouldn’t last once he spotted his mother. It was getting harder and harder for her to accept that these two amazing children were merely on loan to her for a few more weeks at most. They already had a mom, one who was doing everything possible to be able to care for them again.

Helen couldn’t help admiring how hard Karen was working to get her life in order, but a tiny part of her—one she wouldn’t acknowledge to another breathing soul—hoped it would take a long, long time. Despite her initial bouts of uncertainty and periods of utter and complete exhaustion, motherhood—albeit
temporary
motherhood—was turning out to be more rewarding than she’d ever imagined.

Helen seemed to have vanished off the radar. Erik hadn’t seen her for several weeks. He’d finally risked asking Dana Sue if the kids had locked her in a closet or something.

“No, but she’s definitely in way over her head, though she’d never admit it,” Dana Sue told him. “Annie’s been going over there practically every evening to help out. She says Helen’s in her pj’s and ready for bed five seconds after they get the kids to sleep. For a night owl like Helen, that’s very telling.”

“Does she regret taking the kids in?” he asked.

Dana Sue regarded him curiously. “Why so interested, Erik?”

He feigned indifference. “It’s just unusual not to have her around here at all.”

“You could always call to check on her,” Dana Sue suggested.

“Don’t start with me,” he said. “I asked about her. No big deal.”

Dana Sue grinned. “I think it is. I think you’ve missed her.”

He rolled his eyes and headed toward the storeroom. Dana Sue called after him.

“No, she doesn’t regret taking the kids. She says it’s the best thing she ever did.”

Erik wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Sure, he was glad she was enjoying the motherhood experience, but if it had solidified her desire to have a child of her own, it meant there was no future for the two of them. That bothered him more than he wanted to admit. What bothered him even more was the realization that Dana Sue was right. He
did
miss Helen.

A few days after his conversation with Dana Sue, Erik was still stewing over the discovery that Helen’s absence was getting to him when he ran into her at Wharton’s. She was staring despondently into a cup of coffee she’d barely touched. He slid into the booth opposite her. Given her apparent mood, he was surprised there wasn’t an empty sundae dish in front of her.

“Tough court case today?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Kids acting up?”

She sighed heavily. “No, they’re great.”

“Then why do you look as if you’ve just lost your best friend?”

“I spoke with Dr. McDaniels today about Karen.”

He stiffened. Was there more trouble on that front he
hadn’t heard about? Dana Sue might keep it from him, since she knew he was still maintaining a wait-and-see attitude about Karen.

“Oh?” he said casually. “What’s going on with her?”

“Dr. McDaniels says Karen’s doing great, better than expected, in fact. She says the kids can go back home to live with their mom in another week or two. She’s convinced Karen’s back on track.”

She looked at him with an expression he couldn’t quite read. It was almost as if she didn’t want to believe that the psychologist had gotten it right.

“What do you think?” she asked.

The question confirmed his suspicion, but he knew his reply wasn’t going to be what she wanted to hear. “I know she’s been showing up at work when she’s supposed to. She’s working harder than ever and her mood’s vastly improved. I’d have to agree with the doctor. It’s about time for her to be reunited with the kids.”

Helen sighed. “That’s the way it looks to me, too. I think at first they may only stay with her on her days off, but it won’t be long before they go home for good.”

“I would have thought you’d be thrilled to be getting your life and your house back,” he said.

“I’d have thought the same thing a month ago,” she admitted. “I had no idea I’d start to care about them so much. Letting go is going to be harder than I expected.”

“They belong with their mom,” he reminded her.

“Believe me, I know that,” she said. “That doesn’t make it any easier.”

“No, I don’t imagine it does, but what you’ve done for all of them has been incredible. That should leave you with a tremendous sense of satisfaction.”

“Oh, I’m a real saint,” she said with an edge of bitterness that surprised him.

He stared at her. “Okay, what’s going on? Is this about the whole baby thing?”

To his shock, when she lifted her gaze to meet his, her eyes were swimming with tears. She nodded.

Erik told himself he shouldn’t let her get to him, but how could he help it? She looked totally miserable. Instinctively, he reached across the table and took her hand in his. “Helen, you can do something about that if it’s what you really want. Mack and Daisy aren’t the only kids out there who need a temporary home or a permanent one, for that matter. Become a foster mother. Or adopt. Do whatever it takes to fulfill that need if it’s that important to you.”

“You don’t think I’m being selfish?”

“No, I think adopting kids or becoming a foster parent is tremendously generous. You do realize it will change your life, though, right? From the beginning you’ve known that Daisy and Mack would eventually go home again, but adopting a child of your own will be forever. It won’t always be a lark.”

She gave him a wobbly grin. “I’ve been digging Cheerios out of the sofa cushions for a month now. The guest bathroom is usually under water and littered with rubber ducks. I know every song in half a dozen children’s movies by heart. I think I’m starting to grasp the impact of having a child in my life.”

“You’ve been lucky. They haven’t gotten sick. Your schedule hasn’t been turned upside down. Kids are unpredictable and you like to lead a very predictable life. The past couple of months have been an adventure for you, but there’s been an end in sight.”

She frowned at his caution. “I know that. I get that I can’t just turn a kid in if he gets to be too much trouble. I get that it’s a lifelong commitment.”

“Do you really?”

“Why are you so supportive one second and so negative the next?”

“Because I’ve been around you enough to know that you like order, not chaos. And by your own admission, you’ve never made a commitment to a relationship that’s lasted for more than a few dates.”

“Are you saying you don’t think I’m cut out to be a mother?” she asked.

“I would never presume to say that. I’m just saying that you’re anticipating Mack and Daisy leaving and feeling the loss right now. It’s natural to want to grab on to a replacement to fill that empty spot in your life. Just be sure you’re doing it because it’s the right thing for you for the long haul and not as some temporary fix because you’re going to be a little lonely without Mack and Daisy underfoot.”

Her scowl suggested that his comment had hit a little too close to home.

“I need to get to work,” she said stiffly, starting to edge out of the booth.

He reached for her hand. “Hold on,” he commanded. “I didn’t say any of that to be mean.”

“I know you didn’t. You just think I’m too selfish and self-absorbed to be a mother.”

He stared at her incredulously. “I did
not
say that. I think you’re an amazingly competent woman and capable of doing anything you set out to do. You can multitask with the best of them. I was just playing devil’s advocate. If you’re going to jump into parenting, you need to know exactly what
you’re in for. Kids need a parent who’s totally committed to giving them what they need and what they deserve.”

“I know that, probably even better than you do,” she told him. “I’ve been weighing the pros and cons for this for so long I’m practically dizzy from it.”

Suddenly her feisty attitude faded and she gave him a resigned look. “But that was all theory, you know what I mean? Having Mack and Daisy was real. Taking them in was kind of an experiment, to see if I could handle it. I didn’t expect to get so attached. I didn’t expect them to turn my life upside down, to make me want so much more than what I already have. It scares me how much I want children. I’ve always been so independent. I liked it that way. Now it feels as if I’ve spent the last twenty years just going through the motions, not really living at all.”