Finding Elizabeth (5 page)

Mother gave me this beautiful journal that I
am now writing in, she said every young woman needs a journal to
write her feelings in.

It has been a long day and I am falling
asleep as I write, so good night for now.

Elizabeth

January 15, 1886

Dear Diary,

My day started off splendidly. Mother and
Father had business in town and were expected to be out for much of
the day. I decided to go to the carriage house to see Thomas. I
know I shouldn't be so brazen, but I am in love with him, and he
with me. And it is so infrequent that I get to spend any time with
him.

He gave me a beautiful gold locket with my
initials on the front. I know it cost him dear and I do love it,
but I wish he would reconsider before buying me extravagant
gifts.

He has been saving money in hopes to buy a
small farm in the country some day. He worries that he will not be
able to give me the style of life that I am accustomed to, but that
does not matter to me. All I can think about is being his bride,
and all the beautiful children we shall have.

Before I could pull myself away from Thomas,
mother and father returned from their trip into town. They caught
Thomas and I alone in the carriage house. Father threatened to fire
Thomas if he catches him near me again.

I was able to slip the locket around my neck
before father saw it but for all he knows it was a gift from one of
my party guests. Besides he would never suspect Thomas could afford
such a generous gift.

I guess I shall go now, Annie my chambermaid
has just come in to help me dress for dinner.

Elizabeth

January 17, 1886

Dear Diary,

It has been a few days since I have been
able to write. I have been going to voice lessons every morning and
in the afternoon I am sitting for my portrait. It is quite daunting
as this has been going on for weeks, but mother insists I just let
the artist finish his work. I was able to put it off for a bit, but
as I am the last family member to sit for the portrait I could no
longer put it off.

Now that I have finished my general
education mother has decided it is time I attend finishing school.
I shall start tomorrow at Miss Bakers finishing school for fine
young women. I do not want to attend, but mother says that I must
if I want to marry a man from a fine family. I wish I could confide
in mother and let her know how I felt about Thomas. I know she
wouldn't dare try to persuade father to let us court, but I would
love to share the joy I feel with someone.

At times I wish I had a sister to confide
in, but I only have my chambermaid Annie and my brothers. I fear if
I told them, they would accidentally say something in front of
father.

My father can be a very hard man as he
rarely smiles, and he complains about everything my brothers and I
do. He has been very harsh with all of us. I know my mother gets
the worst of it and I can see the sadness and the fear in her
eyes.

There have been many rumors around town
about fathers business practices. I even overheard the staff
talking about how father had embezzled money from his business
partner. He then threatened to kill him and his family if he was to
ever speak of it. I do not want to believe the rumors are true, but
I can not imagine why they would say that if it were not true.
Although, I do not know why father would feel the need to embezzle,
he has all that he should ever want, since his union to my
mother.

I have lived with father for all of my 17
years and I have suffered greatly at his harsh hand, so I suppose
the rumors could be true. For anyone who would dare lay a hand on
his wife and innocent children could surely be capable of
anything.

I have not been able to speak with Thomas,
for fear father will make good on his threat and fire him. I am
hopeful that we will find a way to speak again soon as I miss him
so.

It is getting late and I need to rest for
school tomorrow. Good night.

Elizabeth

January 18, 1886

Dear Diary,

I wanted to tell you about my first day of
finishing school. My teacher Miss Baker is a very stern and proper
woman. She is very demanding and keeps repeating the same boring
things.

I am a proper woman as well and I already
know when and when not to speak, how to sit and which utensils to
use while eating. I have been well versed in all of these things my
entire life. I can also dress myself in appropriate attire, sing
and play the piano, as well as sew and knit. I can even bake
delicious pies.

I am hopeful that school will offer
something I do not already know, or I fear I may succumb to the
boredom.

I did meet a wonderful girl named Emma. She
is the same age as I am and she just moved to Boston from St. Paul
Minnesota. I am hopeful we can spend more time together. I would
love to have a dear friend with whom I can share my secrets.

Father has never allowed me to have such a
close friend. I have only been allowed to attend school and church,
and I was permitted to attend very few social functions. Now that I
am a woman I am hopeful father will realize the importance of
socializing and making close friends.

As I sit here writing this, I can hear
father yelling at my dear mother as she cries. It sounds like she
is getting a lashing. I should turn the lights out and get to sleep
for fear he will turn his rage on me.

Elizabeth

February 2, 1886

Dear Diary,

So much has happened, I do not know where to
begin. A couple of weeks ago I was walking home from Miss Bakers
school when I saw Franklin Arnold on the street. He asked if he
could walk home with me. As we walked he talked about wanting to
court me and professed his love for me. He is such a fool, to think
that a woman such as myself would have any interest in him is
beyond reason. He is so boring and all he speaks of is himself. I
would never choose to marry someone that only thinks of himself, as
I fear I would be marrying someone just like my father.

As we approached the house he took the
liberty of kissing me. I nearly spat in his face at the stench of
whiskey on his breath.

I ran away from Franklin and into the
carriage house, right into the arms of Thomas. Thomas threatened to
beat Franklin for what he had done. I somehow convinced him not to,
for I feared that father would hear of it and Thomas would be
fired.

We began talking and before I knew what was
happening we were lying in the hay doing unspeakable things. Even
as I write this, I blush at the thought. I know I should have saved
myself for marriage, but I love Thomas, and he loves me, and we
intend to marry.

Before we could dress Joseph the stable
master walked in and caught us. Thomas pleaded with Joseph not to
tell father, but he was afraid that if father ever found out he
would turn his anger on him.

As soon as father learned of this he fired
Thomas and sent me to my room. He came in later and gave me a
horrible lashing. Annie had to care for my wounds and then she laid
down with me until I cried myself to sleep. I have been held
prisoner in my room ever since that day. I can hear mother crying
at night, but she has not been permitted to come in and see me.

I would give anything to be able to go to
boring old Miss Bakers school just to get out of the house. I do
fear I will never see Thomas again and that thought has had me in a
panic.

If I thought I could get out of this house
unattended I would run away and try to find him. But sadly I can
not even get out of my room.

Elizabeth

Putting the journal on the side table,
Claire sat there thinking about what she had just read. It was
strange to think this man who had abused his family was in any way
related to her sweet and caring Adam. She felt badly for Elizabeth
and wanted to read more, she needed to know if Thomas ever came for
her and if they ever married. In a way Claire felt guilty for
reading the journal. This wasn't a work of fiction, this was
someone's innermost personal thoughts and feelings. How would she
feel if someone read her journal even if it was long after her
death.

After having such a long day and all the
emotions of reading the journal, Claire headed to her bedroom for
some much needed rest.

***

At the sound of the baby crying, Claire woke
with a start. She lay awake for a long time thinking about her baby
and what could have been. Claire had hoped that moving to Eureka
would somehow make the nightmares stop. She had been dreaming of
Adam and the accident since it had happened. But this was the first
time she had dreamt about their unborn child she had lost that
night. Looking at the clock, "
ugh, it's only 5:30,
" she
rolled out of bed aware that she wouldn't be able to fall back
asleep.

She wasn't sure what time Daniel would be
here to take her on a tour. Maybe he wouldn't come at all after she
escaped his kiss last night. After deciding on a nice pair of
jeans, warm boots and a pink cowl neck sweater she chastised
herself.
Why are you putting on makeup, you know in your heart
you are married to Adam.

Claire went back to the turret room to grab
the journal before heading downstairs for a cup of coffee. After a
quick breakfast, Claire took the journal and her coffee into the
parlor. It was a beautiful room with rich wood tones. But the
leaded glass in the built in cabinets and the intricately carved
fireplace mantle is what gave the room such a grand feel. Situating
herself on a leather chair she opened the journal to the next
page.

February 15, 1886

Dear Diary,

I fear I am going to lose my mind. Father
has kept me locked in my room for weeks. He has not even permitted
me to take meals with the family. I am even beginning to miss my
brothers, Andrew and William.

Andrew is a little more than a year older
than I, and William is eight years younger than I. Andrew is a
studious man and he is planning to become a doctor. He has just
begun his studies at Boston University School of Medicine. He has
studied for years with our family doctor, but he is now old enough
to get his formal education. Andrew is courting Rebecca Clark. She
is a sweet, quiet girl, and we have known her our entire lives. I
can not wait until they are married and give me some nieces and
nephews! I should think with Rebecca's beauty and thoughtful nature
and with Andrews intelligence that they would have created the
perfect child.

My younger brother William is a beautiful
child. He has dark curly hair and the brightest blue eyes that I
have ever seen. I am so much older than William that I was able to
help the nanny care for him. It was like having a real living baby
doll to play with. I especially loved teaching him to walk and
talk. I could see his little personality developing right before my
very eyes. He is a happy child, he rarely cried as a baby and to
this day he would do anything to make you laugh. He has brought so
much joy into our home. I have even seen the difference William
makes in fathers sour moods. I can tell that William is his
favorite, but that is fine with me. At least he is not as harsh on
my dear baby brother.

I must go for now, Annie is here with my
dinner.

Elizabeth

February 17, 1886

Dear Diary,

I can not tell you how much I miss Thomas. I
wonder can one really die of a broken heart? My fear is that Thomas
will think ill of me because of our day in the carriage house. What
if he decides he does not love me because I am a soiled woman.

All I can think about is the times we have
stolen. He would often meet me after school and walk most of the
way home with me before running errands for the stable master. Once
when father was away on business mother allowed Thomas to join us
on our Sunday picnic. It was a glorious spring day and Thomas was
our driver. We shared a blanket as we ate and then he showed me and
my brothers how to cast a pole. I even caught a stinky old fish,
but I have never had such fun, nor laughed so much.

I wonder if there will ever be another day
like that with Thomas. I have not seen nor heard of him since
father fired him. Annie said she would ask around but I fear if she
is caught talking of him or bringing me news of Thomas, that she
might be fired too.

Annie has always been with me and I would be
lost without her. She was my nanny when I was a baby, but as I grew
she became my chamber maid. I sometimes feel that Annie loves me
more than anyone does, including my mother.

As I write this I am hearing things crash against the walls and
mother sobbing. I must end and get my light out quickly.

Elizabeth

February 19, 1886

Dear Diary,

Mother came to my room today and told me
that father was away. He has left on a trip to Eureka Springs,
Arkansas. I did not know he was having a new home built, but father
never speaks of such things with me. He still believes I am a
child, or perhaps it is because I am a woman and it is not my place
to be involved in such things.