Finding Evan (7 page)

I hope Lucy appreciates what I did, because I think I’ve really pissed off Ness. I know she’s furious with me about leaving her this weekend, but I thought she was okay about me going by the time I left. I guess leaving her unwell on the sofa yesterday didn’t help.

I lie in bed thinking of Ness. Two am and I can’t sleep. Images of a naked Ness flood my mind, pushed out by paranoid images of Ness with Ollie. What if she has too much to drink? Feels lonely? And Ollie’s there not me. Something could happen. No. She loves me. I know she does; this insecurity is all me, not her fault. Lucy’s fault. Faye’s fault.

Why the fuck am I doing this? I should have stayed in Leeds, explained to Ness what’s going on and backed right off Lucy and Faye. I grab my hair and turn over in bed. I want to tell her everything, but the old Evan –
the one who can’t talk about how he feels – has been resurrected by this bullshit.

Chapter Nine

EVAN

Ness is asleep when I arrive at her place Sunday afternoon. Abby tells me not to wake her. Ness never sleeps so late. Abby also looks like crap and won’t stop blowing her nose as she lies on the couch watching some chick flick and sucking Strepsils.

“Get me a coffee if you’re making one,” she calls, as I go into the kitchen.

Unable to find a clean mug, I rinse a couple under the tap. “Good night out?”

“I didn’t go,” Abby replies. “Too sick.”

I stick my head through the doorway. “Did Ness go on her own?”

“With Ollie and Jared.” She punctuates the sentence with a nose-blow.

My stomach flips and I push down the insecurity. Abby didn’t go…but Ness still did? “And she’s still in bed? Must’ve been a hell of a night.”

“MedSoc party? Goes with the territory. She was a bit worse for wear when Ollie brought her home.”

What the hell
?
“Ollie?”

Abby pulls her eyebrows together and gives me an incredulous look. “Surely you’d rather her friend bring her home than some stranger?”

Her emphasis on the word friend indicates she’s telling me something. Something like: stop being so bloody possessive.

“Yeah.” I turn back to the kitchen and spoon the coffee into the mugs.

On the way through to see Ness, I pause to hand Abby her coffee and she touches my hand. “Don’t blow things between the two of you by being a dickhead about her having male friends. Ness has always preferred guys to girls.”

I consider replying, but carry on upstairs instead.

Only the top of Ness’s head is visible, brown hair on her pillow. Her curtains are drawn and she doesn’t respond to me entering the room.

“Hey, party animal!”

A muffled response, then silence.

I cross to the bed and poke her through the bedding. “It’s eleven am. I came back early just to see you and look at you!"

“I feel sick,” mutters the shapeless huddle in the bed.

Stifling a laugh, I stroke her head. “Poor Ness. Did you have fun?”

She turns over in bed, face pale and damp hair tangled. “Sorry, Evan. I want to sleep. I won’t be much company.”

I’m not sure whether to be amused by the state she’s in, or pissed off because she’s telling me to go away. But I know what it’s like to feel like crap after a night out. Plus, I could’ve been with her, and I don’t want to start an argument on the subject again.

“Have you eaten anything?”

“No, don’t think I can.”

“I’ll get you some toast. Then I’ll leave you alone.” Even though I picture myself in bed with the semi-naked Ness, I know there’s no point going there.

I’m in the kitchen again, buttering Ness’s toast, when someone knocks on the door.

“Get the door will you, Evan?” asks Abby.

“Why? Do your legs not function when you have a cold?” I call.

“It might be Jared. I need to get changed!” Abby’s footsteps disappearing upstairs tell me I’m answering the door.

I open the door and Ollie is on the step. His eyes widen and I
scrutinize his face; what for, I’m not sure. He also looks hung-over, but not half-dead like Ness.

“Oh. Hey. I just came over to see how Ness is after last night.”

“In bed.”

Something I’m not aware of hides in Ollie’s look as he breaks mine and switches to Abby, who’s returned downstairs.

“Evan, move. Let him in.” I step back and he brushes past me. “Jared with you?”

Ollie pulls his mouth into a sympathetic apology. “No. Sorry.”

“Oh?” Abby’s shoulders droop. “Is he hung-over?”

“Something like, yeah.” Interestingly, Ollie won’t look her in the eyes.

This amuses me, his words very familiar. The same excuse I’ve made for Matt countless times. And Matt for me before Ness was in my life. Poor Abby. I head back to the kitchen to finish making Ness’s toast, fighting the stupid thoughts pushing into my mind. Why is Ollie here? Does he often come over when I’m away?

From the doorway, I watch a dejected Abby stomp upstairs.

“Good night last night?” I ask Ollie, attempting a nonchalant tone.

Ollie sits on the sofa and shifts against the cushions, not meeting my eyes. My suspicion arouses further. “Not bad.”

“Abby says you brought Ness home. Thanks for looking after her.” I want to ask how long he stayed, what they did.

Leaning forward, putting his elbows on his knees, Ollie narrows his eyes. “She’s okay, yeah?”

“Okay?”

“Oh. She didn’t say.” He rubs his mouth with his fingers.

What the hell is this? A thousand thoughts tumble into my mind. Ness. Ollie. Me. Us. Mum. Lucy. Shit, did I just think Mum? “Say what? I haven’t really spoken to her yet.”

Ollie keeps his fingers at the corner of his mouth. “Did she say anything about what happened last night?”

Every muscle in my body tenses, dreading what he’s going to say. “Why? What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything apart from help her.”

Ness needed help. I wasn’t there. And I don’t believe him. “Help with what?”

Ollie’s look meets mine, but I can’t read his expression. What the fuck is going on? “Talk to her. Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be back, which is why I checked on her.”

Ollie stands and I move closer. “Help with what?” An uneasy coldness trickles into my veins.

“She got drunk and needed help getting home. I brought her home. That’s all.”

He’s lying. I know enough about people to spot when they’re hiding something – his constantly shifting look and uneasiness around me. “That’s all?”

Ollie sighs as if I’m a child. “I’m not interested in getting between the two of you. So please back off with the attitude. She’s my friend. I helped her when you weren’t there.”

Ollie’s words sting, and the hard look he’s giving me suggests he chose them deliberately. Yeah, I bet Ollie really enjoyed the fact I wasn’t there. I want to push this, tell him I’m sure something more than he’s letting on happened, but I’m scared of what he might tell me.

“I should go. Tell Ness I came by.” Ollie walks to the door and pulls it open. Before he leaves, he turns and fixes a strange look on me. “Don’t suffocate her. She won’t stay around.”

The door closes behind him before I can respond. Something happened. Between them. All because I chose to help Lucy. Have we drifted that far already? Well, I’ve got no one to blame but myself.

In a daze, I finish Ness’s toast and return upstairs. Ness is asleep; when I attempt to shake her awake, she pushes her head into the pillow and murmurs in her sleep.

My heart thumps against my chest, heart tearing at the thought she might not want to be mine anymore.

Chapter Ten

EVAN

Ness is busy until Wednesday, and every day that I don’t see her, Ollie’s words eat at me further. The walls close in around me. There’s so much emotional shit I can’t cope with all at once - Lucy, mum - and now whatever is going on with Ness. Ness calls a few times, but we don’t chat beyond the usual light-hearted ‘how was your day?’ stuff, and she tells me she's busy. I know she studies most weekdays, but sometimes I want to be with her. Like now, I really need to see her. When I suggest a quick visit one evening because we missed our Sunday date, she refuses. The insecurity mounts, as does my certainty something’s going on with her and Ollie.

So I call at Ness’s house anyway. I figure since it’s nine pm, she’ll be home. If Ness tells me she's studying, fine. If not, I have a bottle of wine to share.

I just want to see if he’s with her.

A surprised Abby opens the door when I knock. Her hair is tangled and face flushed. “Evan!”

“Is Ness home?”

Abby buttons up the top of her shirt and I figure she has company. “No. She’s out. Studying late. Were you supposed to meet her?”

Heat crawls across the skin on my back. “No, I thought I’d surprise her. I haven’t seen her since the weekend.”

“She’s been studying a lot. Has a big assignment due. Be glad you haven't been around her; she's being a real pain.”

“Who is it, babe?” I recognize the voice coming from the room behind her.

“It’s Evan.” Abby opens the door a little. “Do you want to come in and wait for her?”

I step into the house. Jared is stretched on the sofa, beer in hand, and he holds the bottle up in a toast. “Oh, hey Evan! Ness won’t be long. Have a beer with us.”

The look on Abby’s face suggests she doesn’t want company, so I decline.

“I’m sure she and Ollie will be back soon.”

I shift my look to Abby. “Ollie?”

“They’re studying,” calls Jared.

Something grips my chest. Abby and Jared. Ness and Ollie? “Not joining them?” I ask, trying to sound light-hearted.

“Nah. Better things to do with my time.” He winks at Abby.

“I should go.” I step backwards to the door. Then I pause. “Abby, is Ness avoiding me?”

“She’s only studying, Evan. That’s all.”

I lower my voice so Jared can’t hear. “Is she okay? Is something wrong?”

Abby worries on her lip. “Ness does this sometimes when she’s stressed. Throws herself into things and loses sight of those around her. It’s nothing to do with Ollie.”

“Why do you feel the need to tell me that?”

Her eyes widen at my sharp tone. “Because she mentioned how you feel about Ollie. If you wait…”

“No.” If she came home with Ollie, I don’t think I could cope.

I’m confused. What is Ness stressed about that’s making her close me out?

***

The next day, Matt persuades me it’s time we have an Evan and Matt session in the Union. The way I’m feeling, I’m happy to start at lunch. He’s hassled me for weeks, accusing me of being under Ness’s thumb, and finally pokes through to the old Evan. The one who sits in the Union knocking back beers. Numbing himself.

Almost, but not quite the old Evan – girls are off the agenda.

The beer glasses stack up on the table and I don’t realize how many I’ve had, keeping Matt’s drinking pace. Too many. I need to stop or I won’t be able to walk home.

“We should do this more,” says Matt.

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Remember last year? Fucking awesome nights out; we got so wasted.”

“Yeah, some good times.” I drain the contents of my glass.

“You not allowed to take part in our legendary nights out anymore? Princess Home Counties not allow it?”

Ness’s name hasn’t come up all afternoon. I’m not discussing my problems with Matt. We never do. Besides, I can’t escape if all I do is think about her. “Ness wouldn’t tell me what to do.”

“So why stop the nights out?”

I gulp down my beer. Why? Running from the real world, losing myself in a hazy reality of imagined freedom was half the attraction of nights out last year. But I like the world I live in with Ness. Or I did. Sure, we meet for beers – Matt and the guys – but I can’t do the whole first year thing anymore. The appeal’s gone.

The other part of the attraction was the girls. “I don’t trust myself when I’m drunk.”

Which means I don’t trust her when she’s drunk. Instantly, the conversation with Ollie resurfaces, and I’m overwhelmed by the need to know what the hell is going on between them.

“Fair enough.” Matt stands. “I’ll get them in. Same again?”

I shake my head and pull on my jacket. “S’okay. I think I should go.”

“Evan! I wanted you to be my wingman.” He not-so-subtly indicates two girls at a nearby table.

“No, Matt.”

One of the girls studies me, and as I look back, I picture myself last year. Turning on the charms I know would pull girls like her in. Getting off on the attention I got from them. Wanting them. And then, half the time passing out drunk before I could get their clothes off – the one flaw in my master plan. The blonde girl smiles coyly at me and I blink; I
recognize her. I train her at the gym and I’ve seen the look she’s giving me a thousand times…on scores of girls’ faces. Shit. Attention I once craved and now don’t want.

Ness. Ollie. Focus.

“I’m going, mate. Sorry.” I stand, steadying myself with a hand on the table.

Matt swears at me and picks up his empty glass to refill at the bar. “Reckon you’re missing out on a sure thing here.”

I don’t need to ask what he means.

“Later, man.”

The haze of last year is back. But it’s not a happy one.

***

NESS

I sit outside the lecture theatre staring at the paper in front of me
.
Faile
d
. The numbers mock me and tears fill my eyes; I worked so hard on this and for nothing. Mentally, I calculate the effect this will have on my final grade at the end of the semester. What if I fail other assignments? Am I cut out to do this, or have I made a huge mistake?

My concentration has dropped off this week, since the night out that’s screwed around with my head. Now I’m worried in case I’ve stuffed up anything new I’ve submitted in the past few days. Taking deep breaths, I pull out my bottle of water and drink.

“What’s up, Ness?”

I look up and see Ollie, concern creasing his brow.

“Failed.” I wave the paper at him.

“Oh. Never mind.”

“Never mind? Ollie! We worked so hard on this and I thought I had everything right, but I obviously don’t understand anything. I’ve handed so many other assignments in recently I thought I understood. What if I’ve failed them all?”

Ollie blinks. “Calm down, Ness. It’s only one paper.”

I slump back against the vinyl bench seat, watching the stragglers leaving the lecture theatre, wondering how many of them failed. “And I suppose you passed?” I snap.

He doesn’t answer. He doesn’t need to.

“Shit!” I stand up and walk away from him.

Ollie catches my arm. “Hey, come on. Sorry. I know this is important, but you can’t feel like this over one assignment.”

Tears spring into my eyes and I push his hand away. “It’s important to me! Next, you’ll tell me Jared passed, and then I will know I’m wasting my fucking time!”

“Ness. What’s going on?” Ollie’s gentle tone pulls me back from the hysterical direction I’m heading in.

“I’ve just had a crap week. It doesn’t matter.”

“Sit down.” Ollie guides me back to the seat. “What’s going on? Is this because of what happened the other night?”

His question punches me in the gut and the tears flow. I hate crying in front of people, especially guys. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Oh, Ness. I’m sorry. I should’ve done more, not let him walk away like he did.”

“I’m just glad you were there,” I say quietly.

Ollie rubs his hands on his legs. “Have you spoken to Evan about what happened?”

I’ve thrown myself harder into studying, avoiding Evan. I’m not sure why; I think until I deal with this in my own mind, I should. I don’t want Evan to know, and I’m too emotional currently, so he’d spot something was wrong.

“No. I haven’t seen him yet. I was going to tell him when I did.”

“I think you probably should. Hiding things from each other would really fuck things up.”

“Oh, I already know that,” I say, unable to hide the frustration in my voice. I expect an Ollie judgmental comment to come back. He doesn’t go there.

“Why don’t you go home and call him? I think you could do with some Evan time. Come on.” Ollie holds out a hand, and pulls me to my feet.

The lecture theatre is empty, the hallway around us void of people. Our shoes squeak as we head downstairs towards the exit. Ollie’s change of heart about Evan is odd. I do need Evan time, but I don’t know what to say to him.

***

EVAN

The November evening darkens; it’s only five pm and the bright campus lights already illuminate the shadowed buildings. Still, the world is brighter after the Union. The happy, fuzzy feeling from alcoholic numbness follows me. Briefly, I appraise the wisdom of hanging outside the med school for Ness to appear in my less than sober state. But I need to see her.

I take up my old position on the wall outside, glad of the alcohol warming my system. She should be done soon. Pulling out my phone, I consider whether to text Ness and tell her I’m here. I smile to myself, I’ll surprise her. I scroll through Facebook instead.

People walk by and I
realize the numbers are increasing as the building empties. Tucking my phone away, I sit on my hands to warm them. The night cools and I get frustrated as the crowd reduces to a few stragglers – but no Ness.

I’m considering giving up and leaving when I see her with Ollie. I sit up straight and peer through the darkness. Standing near the doorway, they won’t be able to see me with the light shining behind them.

Ness’s head is down and Ollie talks to her. She’s not happy; I recognize the slumped shoulders and refusal to look at him. I think that’s a good thing. Ollie puts a hand on her shoulder and my heart drops into my stomach, waiting for her response. Ness doesn’t look up and I can’t figure out what’s happening. Ollie takes to rubbing her arm and Ness puts a hand on his.

Then Ollie wraps his arms around Ness. This time she doesn’t pull away.

My stomach turns; I’m positive I’m going to throw up some of the beer lining my stomach. I’m right. I fucking knew something was going on. Chest tight, I inhale, calming the hurt flowing into my breaking heart. Why?

Sober Evan would’ve slunk home. Drunk Evan – nope. I head towards them.

***

NESS

I pull myself from Ollie’s friendly embrace. I know he’s trying to help, but I only want to forget things and go home to call Evan.

“I’m fine, honestly,” I tell him.

Ollie looks doubtfully at me. “Okay, I’m just worried. You’re bottling stuff up. And now, this assignment thing. You need to take a break, Ness. There’s more to life than studying.”

“Says you!”

“I study hard, but I’m not letting it take over my life.”

I wrinkle my nose, knowing he’s right.

“Just don’t adopt Jared’s study habits and you’ll be fine,” smiles Ollie. “And talk to Evan about the other night.”

“Like I said, I’m glad you were there.”

“I shouldn’t have left you alone. Not once I
realized how drunk you were.” His eyebrows pull together.

“I don’t want to talk about this now.”

A figure approaches from the nearby shadows and I’m floored when I realize it’s Evan. And he’s not looking happy. He glares at me, stony-faced.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“I wanted to see you. But you’re busy.” Evan’s voice is hard, distant. He turns his unimpressed expression to Ollie.

Ollie regards him silently in return.

“No, I’m just going home. I was going to call you when I got…”

The noise Evan makes in his throat interrupts me. As if he doesn’t believe me. And he’s not touching me. Did he see…
?
Oh grea
t
. Abby said he looked pissed off when he came over last night; I should’ve called him earlier.

“Bus
y
agai
n
tonight?”

I know this Evan; I haven’t seen him for a while, but he’s familiar. “Are you drunk, Evan?”

“I’ve had a few, but I’m okay. So? Busy with Ollie?”

Ollie breaks his silence. “Whoa. Okay. I think I’d better go.”

“Yeah, good idea.” Evan steps towards him and my irritation turns to concern. Surely Evan’s not going to go all alpha-male on me and punch Ollie?

“You okay if I go?” he asks me, refusing to meet Evan’s eyes.