Finding Home (4 page)

Then there is me. I have a fucked up life and am an only child. Jenny looks out for me and helps me when I am down for the count, and I really couldn’t ask for a better best friend.

Although she’s next to me, holding my hand, I still can’t make my legs move forward. “Come on, Sam, we need to deal with this right now because he’s walking toward us. You can do this. Don’t give him the satisfaction of affecting you again.” I nod my head, put my feet out in front of me, and begin to move.

Turning to Jenny, I pull her closer. “Okay, okay, just stick with me, and don’t leave unless I ask you to.” I hold my head high and walk right up to him. “What do you want Nathan?”

Nathan seems stunned over my less-than-friendly greeting, but I could care less. This is not about him.

“Um … hello … again … Sam. I thought we could maybe talk or grab a drink?” I try to hide the utter shock on my face at his suggestion. I mean, seriously, is he high on something?

“Are you being serious right now? You want to talk to me? What do we have to say to each other?” I move to get in his face. “I think finding you in our bed fucking your skank whore said plenty!” Jenny’s arm pulls me to the apartment steps.

“Please Sam, I just need five minutes. Just give me five minutes and then you can go. I will even set the timer on my phone.” Hearing him plead brings me a sick feeling of satisfaction. He has no idea how our relationship messed with my head. He was the final nail in my relationship coffin, so to speak. My relationship role models include a philandering father, and my other two boyfriends, who just sucked. I thought Nathan was different.
I was wrong
.

Trying not to lose my cool, I calmly turn to him, “I don’t think it’s a good idea, Nathan. I’m finally in a better place and moving forward with my life. I really can’t hear how horrible of a girlfriend I was and how I was not what you needed in bed. My self- esteem can’t afford another blow.” I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he ruined me for any hopes of another relationship down the road.

Nathan reaches out for my arm and touches me. My body jumps back with surprise—scared it might change how I’m feeling right now. But the embers that I thought were still burning for him have died out.
Thank God!
Taking a deep breath, I sigh with relief. There’s nothing there. No spark, no fizzle, not one little shiver. Nothing.

Releasing my arm, he looks me right into my eyes. “Seeing you again tonight brought back some feelings. Come on, Sam. We had some great moments. You could be such a hellcat in bed. Remember? ‘Cause I do.” He winks at me, and I just want to smash his face in.

“Are you kidding me? In the end you barely came near me. I tried everything to get you to touch me. You flat out told me I didn’t satisfy you anymore.”

“Ah, come on. I know we can get that feeling back again.” He makes a move closer to me, and I instinctively move back. “Listen, I think with graduation coming up, I’m reminiscing about us and all the plans we made together. I need to see if I’m feeling nostalgic or if I still have feelings for you.” He looks down to the ground briefly then stares directly in my eyes. “Do you still have feelings for me, Sam?”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now. Is this really happening? Taking deep breaths in and letting them out, I try to be concise. “Look Nathan, I have to admit that if you had said this to me six months ago, I probably would’ve been ecstatic. But you hurt me so badly that I was broken for a long time.” Taking a moment to collect my thoughts, I continue.

“I’ve worked hard to move on with my life and make positive changes. And on top of everything else, it appears that Nic is still in your life
and
your lap!” He drops his gaze toward the ground and shakes his head. But I keep going. It’s time to get it all out in the open. “You cheated on me, and it’s not something I can easily forget. My trust for you is long gone. Besides, I’m still the same me—the one who didn’t satisfy you. A hellcat? Really Nathan?” I continue to walk up the steps to my door, hoping the tears I feel stinging behind my eyelids won’t fall.

“For what it’s worth,” Nathan says softly, “I am sorry. I’m sorry that I fucked up. I didn’t mean what I said about you not being enough. I got scared, and instead of working it out with you, I turned to someone else.” Upon hearing his words, my body responds and turns back around. I need to look into his eyes and see his face. His smug look and hollow eyes tell me everything. His mouth turns slightly upward like he thinks he’s won me over with his apology. But I can read him. His eyes are empty—they hold no regret or sorrow. For the first time in a long while, I’m okay with that. I don’t need his apology or him.

“Go home, Nathan. Thanks for the apology, but it’s time for both of us to move on. Enjoy your life with Nic, or whoever you decide to fuck with, because I’m done with you fucking up mine!”

With that statement, I turn around, unlock the door, and push it open. Jenny follows in behind me and skips down the hallway with her hands up in the air. She’s giving me a “what, what” and smiles at me with amusement. I was so caught up with finally telling Nathan off that I’d forgotten Jenny had even been standing there.

Yelling into the night air, I can hear him. “Yeah, well fuck you. This was a mistake. We were a mistake.” I want to turn around and flip him off, but I make my body keep moving forward. I will not give him the satisfaction. Only moving forward from now on.
He will not get to me.

I feel Jenny’s arm wrap around me. “Damn, girlfriend! You did it. You got some huge balls, just like mine.” I grin at her statement, but for the first time in a year, I feel like she’s right—I got some huge balls, and I’m not afraid to use them—nothing’s going to stop me now!

Sitting on Jenny’s bed, I try to collect myself before facing my family. Jenny’s room still looks like it did in high school. Trophies from running track and swimming are on her shelves. Posters from some vampire book grace her walls, along with countless other movies and pop stars. It gives me a headache when I think about her blasting the God-awful music she listened to on my radio. She will be home soon, and the whirlwind that’s my sister will come in like a hurricane.

Thinking about her graduation coming up, I start to feel guilty for not attending. I have a huge rugby tournament that weekend. Players are traveling from all over the U.S. to participate. Jenny said she’s fine with me not making it, but I feel terrible about it. She says I only need to get her a big ass present to make up for it.

Looking at the photo of us sitting on her dresser, I realize that she’s all grown up. It’s crazy to think that my little sister’s graduating from college and will be learning the family business from me. We will be running this winery together. My hope is that she loves my ideas for expansion. It would be great to have her support when explaining my ideas to our dad.

My mother yelling up the stairs that dinner’s ready quickly interrupts my thoughts. I stand and head into the bathroom to quickly wash up. Taking a moment to check how I look in the mirror, I give myself a chest bump and say, “You can do this. Get your head in the game. Drive that scrum and push your team over the goal line. Dad will agree to this!” Feeling refreshed and ready for the family, I exit the bathroom and make my way down the stairs.

“Wow, Mom, something sure smells delicious!” I reach around her to dip my finger into her sauce. We aren’t Italian, but my mom can cook the best red sauce. She tells us her secret ingredient is lots of our red wine.

She slaps my hand and shoos me away. “Go help your grandfather; he’s outside sitting in his favorite spot.” I nod and make my way out back. I miss my gramps. He loves to sit under the large oak tree and read every afternoon, just happy to sit and watch the evening activities unfold in front of him as work wraps up for the day. I use the term “watch” loosely, since it’s really more of him dictating how things should be done.

On my way outside, I pause and look at the oak tree that Beth and I would sit under for hours at night. She loved this spot. At night we would look up at the stars and make plans. The familiar sharp pain hits me in my chest, forcing me to stop and take a breath. Her memory is still present everywhere.

I can hear Gramps shouting to Carlos, our ranch hand, about something that he forgot to do as I approach him. “Hey Gramps, I see you’re still barking orders to everyone around here.”

He looks at me with some irritation that’s quickly replaced by humor, “Well, if they would just do it my way, there wouldn’t be a problem. So, how’s my favorite grandson?” He always says that when he sees me.

“Gramps, I’m your only grandson.”

“Well, that’s why you’re my favorite,” he says with a slight chuckle.

I reach my hand down to give him a firm handshake. “I’m doing okay. I’ve been busy putting together a business prospectus to share with Dad. It needs to go perfectly this weekend.”

Gramps points to the chair next to him, motioning me to sit. “Look, that’s great bullshit, Ben, but tell me like it really is.”

Pausing for a moment, I try to decide how much I want to share with him. He’s the only one in my family who doesn’t push me to move on. He’s my one person I can let loose with. “I’m not going to lie. It’s been difficult lately. Some days are better than others. Work and rugby keep me going.”

Gramps looks me in the eyes with concern. “Look Ben, I’ve been quiet for a long time because I respected your right to grieve, but I’m worried about you. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you.” He touches my arm and with a determined look says, “I understand what it feels like to have love and then loss. Your grandma was my world, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t stop and think of her. We had forty years together, and she was the love of my life.” I look away from him because his words are too much to take in, but he continues.

“Ben, I know Beth is your world, but you have a whole lot more living to do. I’m too old for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean if some lady came my way I would turn a blind eye.” He winks at me and gives me a smirk. “Your grandmother was sick for a long time, but she told me she wanted me to be happy and live my life fully.” Looking at him, I can see he understands loss. “Don’t be a fool, boy. When you love someone, they want what’s best for you, no matter what. Beth loved you like that, and she would want you to have the best. She would want you to be happy and live the life you’re meant to.”

My face feels hot and flushes as another wave of nausea strikes me. Gramps has a way of getting to me like no one else. I really want to believe in what he’s saying. I’m sure Beth would want me to be happy, but how do I do that? Rubbing my neck to calm the queasiness, I find words to answer him. “I hear what you’re saying, but it’s easier said than done. How do I do it?”

Gramps lightly slaps me on the back and says, “If you’re ready, then I’ll help you. Listen to your old gramps and do what I say. Take each day as it comes and try to move forward. Open your eyes. It’s time, Ben.”

I shake my head while silently agreeing to myself to make an effort. Maybe he’s right. I can’t keep living and grieving like this. Beth would want more for me, just like I would want more for her. Trying to sound surer of myself than I really am, I put my hand out for him to shake it. “Okay old man, you’ve got yourself a deal! Come on, it’s time for dinner.” Helping Gramps out of his chair, we slowly make our way to the house. Just as we reach the steps I look over at the old oak tree and think of her. Suddenly, a strong breeze rustles through the leaves. Looking up, I can’t help but wonder if this is the sign I wanted earlier from Beth. My mouth turns upward. “Time to move forward, Gramps, it’s time to move forward.”

Finally, things feel like they are coming together. After my nightmare of a run-in with Nathan a week ago, I have officially put my past behind me. Graduation is just one week away, and the growing excitement around campus is contagious. Jenny and I are enjoying the last few weeks of college life, which includes drunken pub-crawls and rooftop parties.

While other friends are searching for jobs, I’m all set. The school I completed my student teaching in has hired me, as their kindergarten teacher for this fall. I am feeling very lucky. But the one thing that truly bums me out is that Jenny will soon head back to California to work with her family. We’ve been through so much together. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that.