Finding Justus (13 page)

Justus tried to console herself with the fact that it would end, because all things eventually end, in one way or another, but maybe their ending wouldn’t feel as terrible as she anticipated. Yes, even though this thing with Miguel was ending, it wasn’t ending today. Therefore, she shouldn’t think about anything but the present. As the foursome sat and talked, Justus felt her heart betray her mind.

It kept telling her how great this was, how for the first time in years she felt wonderful. She fully realized how truly beautiful and special Miguel was on the inside as well as out. It also kept telling her she didn’t want to lose him, and in just a few short days that was indeed what she would be doing.

***

“Mmm, I love s’mores,” Justus said as she licked the gooey marshmallow and chocolate concoction off of her lower lip. She had no idea she was being watched closely by Miguel. She looked up at him and smiled and began making herself another s’more.

He sighed to himself quietly. She was so completely beautiful, but yet totally unaware of the fact. She was such a switch from the ‘I’m-gorgeous-and-I-know-it’ types that infiltrated Miami. Her modesty intrigued him and at the same time, made him wonder if the entire male population in St. Louis was deaf, dumb and blind.

How was such an attractive, intelligent and talented woma
n single? For the second time that day he found himself asking the same question. His blood quickened as he watched her bending over the fire to melt a few marshmallows. His mouth turned up in a slow smile as he looked at the tautly stretched fabric of her jean shorts across her butt.

This woman created a desire in him like he’d never known before. Something about her was different, no not something, everything. Her wit, charm and personality were so different from other women he’d known before. Yet every part of her fit every part of him so perfectly.

That was precisely his problem. This wasn’t someone whom he wanted simply to date, or just sleep with. Justus was a rare jewel he wanted to admire and cherish for as long as she would let him. She was a keeper, the type of girl he’d be proud to bring home and meet his
mami
. The kind of girl his
abuelita
had always told him to marry.

Justus walked back over and sat down, crossed-legged in front of Miguel. “I made one for you,” she said as she offered it to him. When he politely refused she said, “Oh good, because I was secretly hoping I could eat this one, too,” and laughed.

Her eyes looked almost black in the darkness, and Miguel could see orange pools from the fire reflecting in them. Everyone was supposed to be boarding the ship within the hour. This was the ship’s last port, after tonight they were heading back to the U.S.

“Do you want to stay until the party wraps up?” Miguel asked.

“Why, do you have another tour of the island planned?” Justus asked with a smirk. He watched as her smile disappeared and she wrinkled her nose when someone nearby started playing chords on a guitar. “Oh, Lord, let’s get out of here before they start singing around the bonfire.”

She and Miguel laughed as he helped her to her feet. Miguel watched Justus as she scanned the circle around the fire for Krystal and locked eyes with her. Krystal gave Justus a knowing and also approving look.  Miguel
led their way back to the ship and as they walked he held his arm around her waist.

“Do you mind if we look at the water once more before we get on the ship?”

“Sure.”

They stood together side by side looking at the water and listening to the waves, neither of them speaking. When Justus finally spoke, her voice was hoarse with emotion.

“This is the last time I’m going to be able to see the ocean for…a while. I’m going to miss it, the sounds, the smell, its beauty. I know it may sound strange, but now that I’ve spent these past few days at sea, I can’t imagine my life without it. I’ve really grown to love it.”

Neither of them
were looking at the ocean, they were staring into each other’s eyes. He wasn’t so sure she was only talking about the ocean. Miguel drew her to him suddenly. Their kiss quickly grew in intensity and soon resembled those they had shared earlier in the afternoon, under the waterfall.

Justus rubbed her palms across Miguel’s back, then up and down his shoulders and biceps. Miguel felt Justus freeze suddenly. Miguel broke away from her and with
genuine concern asked, “What’s the matter? You didn’t get bit by something, did you?” He asked as he took in the pained look on her face.

“No, no it’s…my stomach,” she said as she looked down. “I think I need to go back to my room. I guess I got a little carried away
with the s’mores, and now they’re catching up with me. I’m sorry.”

“Do you want me to stop and get something for your stomach at the ship’s convenience store?” He asked, his green eyes wide with concern.

“No, no. I can always get Krystal to run out for me, besides I think we brought some stuff like that along. Right now, I’d just like to be in my room.”

***

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Krystal exclaimed when she saw movement under the covers.

“It’s okay, Krystal. I’m alone. You can uncover your eyes.”

“What? Where’s Miguel, I didn’t even expect you to be in here. I thought you two would be…busy for the rest of the night, in his cabin!”

“Yeah, well…I’m kinda sick so…”

“Yeah, you’re
sick
all right,” Krystal mumbled.

“What do you mean by that? Just because I didn’t want to sleep with Miguel, there’s something ‘wrong’ with me? If you think he’s so great, you know where his cabin is, you go sleep with him.”

“No, Justus, you know I don’t want that. I’m sorry, I guess I’m a little let down. I know this may sound as if I’m trying to live vicariously through you, but I was really excited over the fact that you and Miguel were going to sleep together.”

You and me both, Justus thought. If only she hadn’t gotten cold feet on the beach! She could go to his cabin, tell him she took his advice, and had taken some medicine and was hoping to…what? She didn’t know what she should tell him. She was hoping to continue what happened earlier in the day at the waterfall?

She was tempted to say to hell with it, she’d be sad when she got home, but at least she’d have a few memorable last days with Miguel. Yet she knew it had been utterly foolish to think she could dismiss her feelings and get physical with him when she had looked into his eyes on the beach. Maybe she should’ve just gone to his cabin.

Ugh! Why am I always second guessing myself?
Justus thought as she punched her pillow in frustration. To make matters worse, the more she thought about the attention and concern he had shown for her, she felt lousy lying to him.

She supposed she needed to start with the truth, no more lies. She gnawed on her lip, and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Midnight. Almost three hours had passed since she’d last talked to Miguel, he was probably asleep.

There was no sense in waking him up,
she reasoned. He’d been so concerned for her. He’d stayed in the cabin with her for a while making sure she was okay. After he had finally left, someone had hand delivered her every type of stomach remedy known to man, which made her feel awful for her deceit.

***

Justus rolled over and looked at the clock. It was just after one. She knew Miguel had to be asleep now, but she
didn’t care. She had to see him. She needed to be with him. Getting out of bed quietly, careful not to wake Krystal, Justus quickly pulled on the shorts and shirt she’d had on earlier and slipped out the door, closing it with an almost inaudible click.

When she arrived outside Miguel’s door she knocked tentatively, at first. After she’d received no response, she knocked harder and longer. Maybe he was just a heavy sleeper, she reasoned.
As she continued to pound on his door, however, she realized no one could sleep that heavily. A few cabin doors opened and the occupants were giving Justus dirty looks and she was sure, cursing her under their breaths. She stopped knocking when a new idea came upon her. Miguel wasn’t even in his cabin, he couldn’t be. She had seen the dimensions of his room, and she felt pretty sure in those cramped quarters there was no way anyone could escape the noise caused by the beating she was giving his door. With a feeling of despair she turned and headed back toward her own cabin.

***

“Una mas,”
Miguel said to the bartender, who was Anglo, but knew Miguel wanted another drink. He was restless, and no matter what he did, he couldn’t get his mind off of Justus. After he’d left her cabin he’d went to the fitness center to work off some of his excess energy. But after he returned to his cabin and showered, he still wasn’t ready for bed, so he took a walk around the deck, hoping to clear his head.

Instead, it only made him think of Justus, which had brought him to the bar. Now, as he sat nursing a beer he didn’t even want, he glanced around the bar and
immediately wished he hadn’t. It was too late, he’d been spotted.

“Miguel!”

Upon hearing her fake-sounding, high-pitched voice he cringed, but plastered a semblance of a smile on his face.

“Tammy.”

She either didn’t notice his apparent dread, or pretended not to. She hopped on the bar stool next to him, brushing her large breasts against him in the process. She flashed the bartender a broad, cheesy grin.

“Whiskey sour, please. So, what
brings you here at this hour? Are we lonely tonight?” She asked in her babyish tone and slipped her hand onto his knee.

Miguel crossed his legs in an effo
rt to keep her from touching him and said, “No, not at all. I’m…”

“Oh, you don’t have to lie to me, I know what it’s like to be lonely, and I know a great cure for it,” she said as she slipped her hand into his pants pocket and started rubbing his thigh.

He tensed up and gripped his beer so tightly his fingers turned white. How he wished he could tell this slut he wasn’t interested and never would be, so she could stop trying to give him ‘signals’ and move on to her next victim. Well, he could tell her, just not in so many words. He stood abruptly, causing Tammy’s hand to be jerked out of his pocket. She reeled on her barstool and looked at him slack-jawed. Miguel had never seen someone looking so pitiful or so surprised before. He felt certain he was about to be the first man to ever tell Tammy no.

“I’m not lonely. You didn’t let me finish, I’m waiting here for someone, but I’ve decided to go find her a little earlier than planned,” Miguel said, feeling like he’d satisfactorily put Tammy in her place. He turned from her and walked out of the bar.

He walked back to his cabin, locked the door and began to undress. When he was down to nothing, he slid beneath the covers. He tried to fall asleep, but he still couldn’t. After tossing and turning for several minutes he heard a knock at his door.

Who in the world could be knocking on his door, at one o’clock in the morning? He started to get up and throw on his boxers, but then he realized who.
It had to be Tammy.

She was completely shameless, not only did she think he hadn’t met someone, she obviously thought there was no way she’d get turned down if she came to his d
oor. Well, she had another thing coming. She could knock all night, but he still wouldn’t come to the door.

***

Just
us awoke early the next morning feeling despair despite the sun rays glistening on the ocean. She hadn’t slept much, instead she had gone from one bad dream to the next all night. She had dreamt of Miguel with another woman, Miguel hiding in his bed, laughing at her stupidity.

She refused to believe he had been asleep. He had either been out somewhere or there ignoring her, or in someone else’s cabin. That was the most devastating of all possibilities. She had really hoped Miguel had been serious about her, even though she felt their separation would affect her more than it would him.

Justus suddenly remembered one of her nightmares involved Miguel meeting her mother. The details were fuzzy, but she remembered the look of disdain on her mother’s face when she saw Miguel. Justus sat up in bed. The last thing she wanted to do was think about her family troubles, least of all her mother. She did enough of that back in St. Louis.

She wondered about her mother a lot. About how she was doing, if she was making it okay now that she had lost her own mother and was alone. Although Justus thought often of her mother, she never called her mother because she never called Justus. And the reason neither of them called each other was because of their past.

Her mother wasn’t a bad parent. She had raised her best she could as a single mother. Justus and her mother lived with her maternal grandparents in their large house in rural Ohio. Her grandparents, along with her mother, had raised her to be Christian, and to be respectful of elders and to have impeccable manners. In short they had raised her right. Justus had always been respectful and a good daughter until she turned eighteen.

Then things
changed, which caused Justus to rebel and move away from her mother and grandparents. Justus hadn’t been seen her family since the day she left. She had heard through an old high school friend when both of her grandparents had died. She didn’t worry about her mother’s financial state. Her grandparents were wealthy and her mother, like Justus, was an only child.