Finding Justus (17 page)

“Are you thirsty?” Justus asked.

“Mm-hm.” Miguel was lying on his back, one arm held over his face to keep the sun’s powerful rays from his eyes as he looked toward the waiter with Justus. The waiter was a cute, young guy and she was suddenly aware that lying on her stomach put her butt in plain sight to him. Justus felt self-conscious, but as if reading her mind, Miguel reached over and absent mindedly stroked her bottom.

She smiled to herself, it seemed he always knew what to say and do at the right moment. He always knew what she felt, and thinking back upon last night, what she needed. Their waiter put speed to their order, and was back with their drinks within a matter of minutes. Justus sipped the frothy, tropical concoction, and noticed some men setting up equipment on the outdoor stage that was located to the left of the bar.

“Do you know what they’re doing?”

“Where, who?”

“Those men, over there,” she pointed toward the stage.

“Oh, probably a concert, they usually put on a salsa or reggae concert out here toward the end of the cruise, as a sort of farewell.”

She was excited at the prospect. For one reason, because she enjoyed music and the second was she could probably sweet talk Miguel into dancing with her. The thought of being held in his arms while they danced together, perhaps for the last time on the ship, was bittersweet.

“Want to get into the pool?” Miguel asked her.

“Sure, last one in is a rotten egg,” she said as she laughed and ran toward the pool.

They had a water fight in the pool, and were on the receiving end of strange stares from kids who weren’t accustomed to seeing adults act so childish. Miguel repeatedly dunked her underwater, and she in turn, splashed him wildly. However, once the band started playing, they quickly got out of the pool, and began drying.

Miguel didn’t want to wait even that long, the reggae group opened with a rendition of a Bob Marley classic, and he couldn’t wait to dance. He grabbed Justus by the waist and literally hauled her toward the stage, without even giving her a chance to grab her sarong. At first she felt mortified at the thought of dancing in front of everyone in only her bathing suit.

Once Miguel started grinding slowly, and moving his legs and pelvis seductively toward her, she forgot about everyone else. She rested her arms on top of his shoulders as he instructed her to, and got lost in the rhythm. She gently swayed to the steel drum and pounding bass beat, listening to the lilting, melodic sound of the singer’s voice.

A few other couples had joined them on the make-shift dance floor, however Justus failed to notice. She saw only the man in front of her with the caramel skin, sensual mouth, sparkling eyes, and the erotic way he moved his beautiful body. She felt a heat wash over her, and she was quite sure it had nothing to do with the temperature on the lido deck.

Never had she been so comfortable in not only her bathing suit, but in her own skin. She had avoided walking about the deck, or anywhere for that matter, in her suit the entire cruise. She always wore her shorts, a dress, sarong, or a towel. She was alwa
ys covering up, always hiding, never showing who and what she really was.

It was in that moment she knew she would tell Miguel about her life before she had moved to St. Louis. It was the life she had tried, unsuccessfully, to forget. The life that had left her emotionally scarred and insecure of almost her every move. She was ready to face things now, ready to become whole again and to start really living her life.
She would tell him, tonight. No more hiding. No more running from the woman she was destined to be, the woman she knew deep in her soul that she already was.

***

Miguel peered at himself in the mirror and wondered if he should shave for dinner or not. He decided he would, not because he gave a damn what anyone thought, but because he didn’t want to risk scratching Justus when he kissed her. He smiled to himself as he pictured the look on her face when they danced together this afternoon.

She had looked up at him in that way of hers, the smile and look in her eyes both innocent and sensual. That was an incredible combination he had never experienced in a woman before. Justus was sexy without knowing it. She seemed to exude a quality that was alive and rich, and genuine. That was something that he didn’t find a lot of in Miami, genuine anything.

He had noticed in getting to know her that this quality wasn’t something that she bestowed on everyone. It was only something that she shined on a select few, once she felt comfortable with them. Oh, and she was so damned beautiful. Justus didn’t seem concerned with the fact that she was beautiful, but her aloofness and almost disdain for it was what had kept him interested in her and made him want to know so much more of her.

It still boggled his mind that an attractive woman didn’t use her beauty to try to manipulate men, and bend them to her every whim. In fact, Justus was not at all demanding. She was the exact opposite. That was only one of the reasons he loved her.

He hung his head heavily over the sink, momentarily dejected at the thought of admitting it. He knew what he felt for Justus and he was somewhat sure that she felt the same for him. What he didn’t know was how he was going to go without seeing her after tomorrow. Something had to be done, there had to be a way for them to see each other again. They had to be together.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy, especially with both of them heavily pursuing careers in separate parts of the country. He didn’t expect Justus to give up her job, and her dream, and come running to Miami to be with him. He certainly couldn’t up and leave Miami either. He had invested too much time there, made too many contacts, and he was so close to making his dreams come true. He had never been to St. Louis, but he knew enough about the Midwest to know that a Latin night club and dance studio wouldn’t be a financial success there.

Therein lay Miguel’s dilemma. His dream and career was in Miami, but his heart would be in St. Louis.

***

“Dinner was wonderful,” Justus murmured as she patted her full stomach.

They had eaten and were now walking the ship, something that had become so familiar to them over the past week. It saddened her to think that this was the last time they would stroll the ship together. She stopped on a secluded corner of the boat and grasped the railing until her knuckles were white. She took in several deep, salty breaths.

Mentally preparing herself for what she was about to tell Miguel hadn’t been easy. She had mulled
It
over in her mind all night. She knew that she wanted to tell Miguel and that somehow by telling him, even though it wasn’t necessary, would finally liberate her once and for all.

“I never really knew my father,” she stated quietly.

Miguel looked at her tenderly, although quizzically.

“My parents, well, split up shortly after I was born and neither I nor my mother has seen him since. I’m telling you this because I’m sure you’re wondering why I have never spoken about my family this whole time.

“You’ve told me all about yours, and I haven’t told you anything about mine. Believe me, that wasn’t by accident.

I meant for it to happen that way. But then last night happened…and now I have this nagging on me to tell you.”

“Justus,” he said softly as he reached for her face, “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. It’s all right that you haven’t mentioned your family. I understand if things were…hard for you and if it is going to upset you, then please don’t tell me.”

“No, I’m okay. I want to tell you.” She turned her face from him and began to stare into the vast blackness that was sea and sky. “I was raised by my mother and grandparents. I was told that my father had died in a freak accident at work when I was just a baby. My mom tried to raise me and work for a short while, but it was too hard, money was too tight. And although my father was a good man, he hadn’t left any type of savings or life insurance to take care of us.

“The struggles of being a young single widow were too much for my mom so my grandparents moved us from Arizona, back to Ohio where she was originally from. I was raised on a farm in a small, rural and very conservative town. My grandparents were also very conservative, and controlling. They provided a roof for Mother and me, but they never let her forget it either.

“I had to attend church every Sunday, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, or date until I was eighteen, not that there were guys lined up waiting for me. The only after school activities I was allowed to be in were marching band or the school choir. They made me a geek,” she said with a laugh. She quickly sobered and continued her tale.

“When I turned eighteen my mom took me on a special trip. We went to Cleveland for the weekend. I hadn’t ever been to a city before. I was amazed at the activity, and the size of it all. It turned out though, that Mother had an ulterior motive for the trip. She wanted me to be away from my grandparents before she told me the news.

“She let me know that well, basically everything I had believed up to that point was a lie, that my whole life was a lie. My parents met when my mom was going through her hippie rebellion phase. She had gotten angry at my grandparents and left their farm after she graduated high school, she had vowed never to return again. Anyway, she met my dad while she was living in California with some friends from high school who had moved with her.

“They fell in love instantly and moved in together. Well, of course my grandparents didn’t like the fact that my mom was living with a man she wasn’t married to, it wasn’t proper in their eyes. But she didn’t care, she loved my dad and that was all she needed, she said.

“My parents hadn’t been together for too long when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. Mother was ecstatic. My dad wasn’t as excited, my mom said he was
really scared about being a parent at such a young age, especially when he had so many other things that he wanted to do with his life.

“But he vowed to take care of us both and he did for a while. He had some relatives in Arizona, one of them was his cousin who had a pretty good job, and he pulled some strings and got my dad a job.

My mom said that once my parents moved everything between them changed, and my dad got depressed. There was pressure from both his family, who were devout Catholics, and my grandparents. His family wanted my parents to get married, my grandparents wanted my mom to come back to Ohio and have nothing to do with my dad.

“Anyway, one day when I was about three months old, all the pressures just got to my dad, I guess. He left for work one morning and never came back. He didn’t show up for work that day. He just disappeared. Mother was left to raise me on her own. She tried to turn to my dad’s family for support, but she didn’t really find any. They were still bitter about the fact that I had been born out of wedlock, and in their eyes, I wasn’t really my father’s child.

“With nowhere to turn, Mother finally gave up and called my grandparents for help. After much begging on my mom’s part, they agreed to help us, but not without Mother agreeing to certain conditions. One of the conditions was what I’ve already told you, about how I should be raised, very conservative. I was actually raised even more conservatively than my mom was. My grandparents did it in the hopes that I too wouldn’t turn into a rebellious hellion.

“The other condition was that I was never to find out the truth about my dad. About his life, about his background, or that he had ran out on us and the fact that my parents were never married. When my mom told me this, I asked her what she meant by ‘background.’ She looked me in the face and I swear, I saw her visibly pale. She told me that the reason I had such dark hair, eyes, and complexion wasn’t because I was Native-American, like I’d been told my whole life, but becau
se I was part Mexican-American.

“My jaw dropped, I remember thinking,
‘I’m Mexican!
’ I had been raised in an all white area, and my grandparents feared other cultures and races, so I wasn’t exactly the most open-minded person. But then suddenly the more I thought about it, the more sense everything made to me. Why me and Mother have the same last name as my grandparents, why I never really felt as though I fit in at school. My body definitely made sense, too. Believe me, it wasn’t easy going to a high school full of white kids with this butt.”

Miguel laughed and shook his head and waited for Justus to continue.

“I was okay with everything that Mother had told me until I got home and looked at my grandparents’ faces. Then everything came rushing to the surface and I knew I could never live in the same house as them again. I hated them for making Mother tell me a lie my whole life, and for making her feel like a prisoner, like she had done something wrong because they didn’t agree with her choices.

“I also started hating my mother
for telling me lies my entire life, and for not trying to make a different kind of life for us. A life where we didn’t have to rely on the false hospitality of my grandparents. Once I realized all of this I started making plans to leave. I had an after school job at the diner in town.

“I had a little money saved, but not nearly enough to get away. I started working as many hours as I could get. Finally, late in the summer after graduation, I left. I went to the bus station and got a ticket for as far west as I could go.