Finding Laila: Some Changes are Necessary (7 page)

“I
used to wish he’d see me the way I saw him, but I always thought he looked at
me like a sister or something. Eventually, I moved on and let it go—I had
crushes on all of them at some point. But when Haden kissed me last night, it
was like some weird girl-dream come true. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Sounds
to me like maybe you pushed the feelings down since you thought it would never
happen, but maybe you never really got over him.”

I
consider her words and she gets up to leave the room. “Mom?”

She
faces me and leans against the door with a knowing grin.

“What
should I do?”

“What
was your dream about?” she asks, and my cheeks radiate with heat. “That’s what
I thought. So maybe you already know what you should do. But Luka is going to
be incredibly jealous if you end up dating her crush.” She walks over and puts
her hand on my shoulder and smiles before walking out of the room and leaving
me to my thoughts.

It’s
now almost eight, so I pull my hair into a ponytail and get my running clothes
on. A quick stop in the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I’m
ready to go, but I’m still not sure what’s going to happen.

My
phone chimes next to my bed and I know that it’s Haden.

Haden: Here early. No rush.

Me: Be right down.

I
make my way downstairs and Luka is sitting on the floor watching cartoons when she
looks up at me. “Where’re you going? Can I come with you?”

I
don’t know why she always wants to be with me—I’ve never given her a
reason to—yet she always asks.

“I’m
going for a run with Haden, I’ll be back later.”

“Haden,”
she stands up and runs to the door, pulling it open before I have a chance to
stop her.

“Luka,”
I call after her but Haden emerges with her in his arms, hers wrapped around
his neck, practically choking him. “Mom, can you get Luka?”

“Haden,”
she sticks her lip out in a pout, “can I come with you?”

“Not
today,” he says as he sets her to the ground. “Your sister is all crazy jealous
because you’re my favorite, so I need to spend some time with her.”

I
narrow my eyes at him, not at all entertained by his snide joke. He knows well
how annoyed I get with Luka, but something tells me he’s doing this to lighten
the mood between us, so I choose to let it go.

“Yeah,
so
jealous,” I agree halfhearted only
to find there is truth in his words. Someone needs to put me out of my
misery—
I’m jealous of a
five-year-old.

“See?”
He points at me and she laughs.

“Let’s
go before I change my mind,” I tell him. “Be back later,” I call out to whoever
might be listening.

“Have
fun,” Mom calls out and I pause for a moment before making it all the way
outside.

I
wait for the door to shut before turning around to
lay
into Haden, but when I finally do, he’s standing right in front of me and
doesn’t give me a second to speak. He takes my face in his hands and places a
kiss to my lips.

“Haden,”
I start to protest, but he shakes his head.

“I’ve
decided that I’m all in, screw what anyone thinks.” He moves his hands from my
face, threads his fingers with mine and looks at the place where we are joined.

“I’m
not worried about
everyone
, just our
small group. And what about you and me? This is a game changer, Haden.” I
exhale loudly, overwhelmed by the potential effect this could have on
everything we know.

“If
you’re willing to give this a try, we’ll deal with whatever comes up—and
as far as I’m concerned, our friends will be fine with it. I mean, Joey has
been pushing me to tell you for a while.”

“He
what?”

“Ah,
man,” he laughs and gives my hand a light tug as he pulls me down the sidewalk.
“Don’t be pissed at Joe—I think he was annoyed with me asking him who you
were into.”

We
venture out toward the quarry and I find it easier to speak up.

“This
is my problem with all of this: I don’t like being talked about. I know people
talk about me all day,
every day
. But
you guys are supposed to be my friends, yet you’re all keeping secrets. Not
cool.”

“So
you’re telling me that you’ve never kept a secret from any of us?”

“Yeah,
the whole…you being gay thing. I never said anything to anyone,” I laugh.

“And
look where that got you,” he counters.

“But
why this pact? If you really felt this way all this time, why would you agree
to it?”

He
huffs a small laugh and shakes his head, clearly embarrassed that I’m asking
this question. “You know that thing about marking your territory?”

“Excuse
me?” I ask, wide-eyed.

“Not
like that, but I was a stupid kid. I hated the idea of you dating one of the
guys, so when Cole suggested it, I guess it seemed easier to handle if no one
would get to be with you.”

“That
has to be the stupidest thing I’ve heard,” I scoff.

“I
mentioned we were young, right?” he defends and I laugh.

“But
when they started dating, why didn’t you say anything then?”

“Same
reason you’re scared to do anything now.” He smiles.

“Touché,”
I concede.

“Look,
all I’m asking is for a chance. Let me take you to Cole’s today, I’ll pick you
up at four and you can give me your answer then.”

“What
if I don’t have one yet?”

He
cocks his head to the side and smiles as if he’s thinking. “I’ve waited this
long. I can wait a little longer.”

When we finish our walk, Haden leaves
with my assurance that I will give it more thought. I’m not sure what he thinks
I’m going to come up with in less than six hours. All I can think about is his
question about keeping secrets.

I never thought of my silence about my
crushes on the guys as potentially damaging. There was no reciprocation on
feeling, so no harm, no foul. And it was so long ago.

* * *

Midway
through
eighth
grade, I had a class
with each of the boys. Haden had convinced me to take art because it would be
an easy A.

It
was the first C I ever got.

It
was the basics, yet it was beyond my ability. Apparently there was not an
artistic bone in my body, despite my best efforts. But I could appreciate the
talent.

I
used to love watching Haden work because there was
an
intensity
in his technique that was hard to ignore. It wasn’t the
first
time I saw Haden Searle as more
than one of my best friends. But it was certainly the point where I knew that
the friendships I valued so much would be laid on the line if I were wrong. I
developed a crush on him that drove me insane with jealousy, and I was not
typically a jealous person.

Apparently
I wasn’t the only one who saw his talent.

He
had saved me a seat on the first day of class, so he could teach me on the
side, but Caarly tried to take my place midway through the first month. Haden
had that dark and brooding thing going on that girls liked, but it was mainly
because he wanted to be left alone. I admired his kindness first and his talent
second—but his looks weren’t far behind. I wasn’t blind.

One
day, I walked in to see Caarly sitting in my spot, twirling her hair and trying
to gain his attention.

“Are
you dating Laila?” I overheard her ask him.

I
stood at my art cubby and fumbled with my books to buy myself time to listen
in. We weren’t dating;
I
wasn’t
dating anyone. He was most definitely ripe for the picking so there was nothing
stopping him flirting with her. She wasn’t the type of girl I pictured him
dating, but then again, what did I know?

“What’s
it to you?” he asked, never looking at her.

“Nothing,”
she smirked. “It’s just, well, I think she might be into you, and if you’re not
into her, then maybe you wanna hang out sometime.”

He
didn’t answer or stop working, and I could tell she was getting irritated when she
spoke again.

“Interesting.
Maybe you aren’t even into girls.”

His
hand kept moving with ease over the paper he was sketching on and she was
beginning to get annoyed. Yes, over that semester, I’d started to look at Haden
as more than a friend and I knew he wasn’t into me like that, but I’d never
considered that he wasn’t into girls at all. My heart broke a little because
I’d really hoped that maybe he’d look at me as more than just one of the guys
someday.

“Whatever
you need to tell yourself, Caarly,” he muttered.

I
walked over to join them, having heard enough from her. “You’re in my seat.”

She
looked around and feigned surprise. “Are you talking to me?”

“He’s
just not that into you, Caarly. Why don’t you find someone else to throw
yourself at?” I said as I leaned down into her face with a smirk.

Her
mouth dropped open and Haden’s shoulders shook as he chuckled, never ceasing
the work on his latest piece. She looked from Haden and then to me before
shoving out of the chair and getting in my face.

“I
was not throwing myself at Haden Searle,” she protested, and I crossed my arms
over my chest and watched her get all worked up. “Trust me. I have no problem
getting guys to date me.”

“Are
you trying to convince us or you?” I leveled my eyes at her.

Without
another word, she stormed off to her table at the back of the room and sulked
for the rest of the period.

“Wow,
Nixon, I’ve never seen you jealous,” Haden laughed but never looked at me.

“And
you still haven’t,” I lied before taking my seat next to him.

That
afternoon I went home and wrote in my journal, because that’s what I did since
I didn’t have any girlfriends to talk things out. I’d learned over the years
that any girls who did try to befriend me were using me to get to the guys.
Eventually I enacted a ‘no-girlfriends’ policy, which served me
well—until it didn’t. I had my mom, and I could go to her with things,
but I was protective of what I shared about the guys.

* * *

I
still have every journal I’ve ever written, so I go to my closet and dig for
the black and white spiral that I remember. I hide things well, so it takes me
a few minutes of searching to find the right one. When I do, it’s marked with
the telltale warnings of a moody fourteen-year-old.

Open it and die
, the words read, and I laugh. I flip through
the pages until I find the entry I’m looking for.

Where do I even begin?

Sometimes I hate being one
of the guys. They are all so great, but it sucks when they are all starting to
get cute and I’m still…me. My hair is too stringy, my boobs are nonexistent and
I’m too tall. I suppose it could be worse, I could be completely alone.

Caarly threw herself at
Haden today and I got so mad. He actually accused me of being jealous and while
yes, I was jealous, I still can’t believe he said that to me. What’s he trying
to do, mess up our Quarry Gang? (I call us that, they don’t, but I’m waiting
for it to catch on.)

At least Caarly wasn’t
being nice to me to get to him, that’s a new one. I’m so sick of some of the
popular girls coming up and trying to be my friend just to get to Braxton,
Cole, Joey or Haden. It’s laughable to think I’d have any influence over the
guys in the girl department. Doesn’t matter anyway because as soon as they
figure it out, the girls stop talking to me and it’s just one more person I can
add to the “I hate Laila Nixon Club.” (Trademark pending, I’m sure.) I can
guarantee that there are no guys trying to get in with those four to get to me.

Last year, I had a crush on
Braxton, the year before that, it was Cole. This year, I can’t stop looking at
Haden. I swear, one day, he’s going to catch me and then I’ll die from
embarrassment. Joey is the only person I’d ever tell about my crush, but he
gets
all weird
when I tell him about who I like. If he
knew I liked Haden, he’d probably tell me everything that he does wrong and
make me feel stupid. I suppose it will have to stay here in this journal, which
is fine with me.

But if Haden’s not
interested in Caarly, there’s no way he’d ever look at me. Could he really be into
guys? Not that it matters… but I’ve never noticed him look at the others like
that, but maybe I’m missing something, or maybe they aren’t his type? I would
never ask him because if he is, that’s something he’ll let us know when he’s
ready, but still, what am I supposed to do about all these messed up feelings I
have for him?

Should I tell him and get
it out of my system? No, that’s not a good idea because then things could get
very weird.

Maybe I need to make a
list—a list of everything about him that I like and don’t like so I can
get him out of my system for good.

Haden’s Good qualities:

1.
he’s
really cute

2.
he’s
a great friend.

3.
his
artwork is amazing.

4.
his
eyes.

5.
his
arms. (I love his arms.)

6.
he’s
one of the nicest people I know.

7. I like when he holds my
hand, even if it’s just as a friend.

8.
he
always has my back.

Haden’s Bad qualities:

1.
he
can be too intense.

2.
he’s
not into me

3. I don’t stand a chance.

4. He’s my friend—not
a bad thing, just a “problem” to ever being more than friends.

5.
?
??

All right, I’ve looked at
this list for five minutes and I can’t come up with anything else wrong with
Haden. UGH! This is going to be a long year if something doesn’t change. Maybe
he’ll do something gross, or say something mean and I’ll finally get over him.

Please let me get over him.
I can’t have my heart broken by one of my best friends. It will ruin
everything.

I
finish reading and recall those feelings I had for him. I rarely cried, but
that day I did and it took everything in me to push the feelings aside so I
could get over him. I’m not sure how long it took, but eventually the feeling
subsided and things went back to
normal
—where
Haden was my friend and I no longer had to fight the things inside of me.