Finding Me (12 page)

He turned and peered sidelong at me for a moment. As if he were trying to determine if he was going to tell me something. “Um…there’s one detail that we think you should know up front.”

“Okay.” I said, looking nervously from his face to everyone else.

“At the age of 18, on all previous universes, if we hadn’t discovered the ENO…we died. Earth’s is the sixth and final universe. If we fail here all of humanity will die with us,” Chris explained.

“No, thanks.” I rose from my bed and crossed the room in long strides. The gravity of the situation was sinking in. “I don’t want to do it. I don’t want any involvement.” No one moved or said anything. They stared at me with hard, cold eyes – everyone but Sam. Her eyes were squinted in a sympathetic manner. She seemed to understand what I was going through. At least that was what her face said. “I’m sorry. But if you all feel you must catch this ENO person, I’ll keep your secret. I won’t blab. I promise. But, in all fairness, I can’t participate. I would suck at being a superhero. The powers are great and all, but I’ll give those back, too. I’m a natural chicken...by nature, I mean. I’d get us all killed before this ENO could do it.”

Everyone but Chris laughed.

“You don’t get a choice. None of us had a choice. And you can’t give the powers back, they’re yours. For life,” said Joseph in his deep baritone voice. He glared at me with stony eyes and squared his jaw.
Gulp.

“Of course she gets a choice,” Chris said. “We all had a choice, initially. It’s just unfortunate that we’re so close to the end.” He turned to me, pleading with his beautiful cappuccino eyes. “Think of your family, all the people you love. They’ll all die. Can we defeat the ENO without you? Possibly. But I don’t want to take that chance. We need you.”

I didn’t move or speak. My tongue was held in place by the fear of dying young.

“Chris, you have your work cut out for you. You need to get her straight within a couple of weeks. If she can just remember she’s Amanda we’ll be fine. Amanda’s not a coward. She’ll have to become Amanda or we’ll have to move on without her,” Joseph said. He shook his head. “If that’s even possible.”

“Chris, I don’t have any real power. I–”

“Yes, you do,” he said. “You have a massive amount of power. I’ve never met anyone as powerful as you. Don’t write us off. Please. Agree to let me prove it to you. I can’t do this without you. I need you. I need Amanda,” he paused and looked reflectively at the others then back to me. He sighed softly. “I miss her.”

“What you’re saying...what you’re all saying...is you knew me. Before...on the other five universes. Me,” I said again and pointed to myself for emphasis. No one spoke or moved a muscle. “Why can’t I recall any of you then? Or anything else about the other universes, and you all can?”

“We do not have a definitive answer to that yet,” said Raja, “but we are devising a theory now. The truth is we have known you for five universes. You.” She pointed at me. “The only difference is your name has been Amanda. And you are–”

Chris looked at her and shook his head discouragingly before she could finish her statement. She and Chris were inner talking again, and she shook her head at something he thought, the others following suit.

He turned to stare at me again. He grabbed my hands and held them between his. “Believe us, give us a chance, please.”

God, when you put it like that, cutie...

Ms. Graves’s words earlier rang in my head. No doubt, this was what she warned me against, joining an unknown group. I was certain it was, and as much as I would have liked to turn Chris down, I couldn’t. My actions mortified me. In theory, saying no to Chris should have been easy. It wasn’t though.

I would do this because he wanted me to. Because somehow, we had a connection. Those feelings gave his story plausibility. If I accepted what he said, I’d be able to see him more. That fact alone cinched the deal for me. The sad part: I knew I was no superhero. A coward, a nerd, even a diva sometimes, but definitely not a superhero. Sure, go forth, slay dragons and conquer foul beast, all in the name of a crush.
How absurd am I?

“I–I can try. I can’t make any promises. But I’ll allow you to prove these things to me and if you can...turn me into this brave superhero, then I’ll agree to help,” I smiled at him crookedly. At least I hoped it looked like a smile.

“I can make you do it,” he said. The sly smile returned to his face and he stepped toward me. He hadn’t even touched me and the heat generating from his body to mine was overwhelming. “I am a great deal stronger than you right now.”

“So you mean you’re more of a freak than I am for the moment.” I threw a cautious glance at the others. “Uh, no offense, guys.” Everyone dissolved into laughter. Then as suddenly as they appeared, they vanished. They were all gone, leaving only Chris and me.

I looked at Chris, amazed. “Where did they go?”

“They left so we could talk. Privately.” He sat on the edge of my bed and avoided my eyes for a long moment. He rubbed his hands together, his lips in a tight straight line.
Was he nervous?
Usually he embodied confidence.

“Can you keep an open mind?” He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me to his side. The places his hands rested as he turned me were set aflame. Desire rose and swelled inside me. I recalled the sensation of him kissing my neck. How I could barely breathe or stand on my own two feet.
What would a kiss on the lips do to me?

He didn’t speak and neither did I. Then he leaned forward and pulled my head down to his chest. He wrapped his muscular arms around me.
Oh.
I’ve spontaneously combusted and the fire is slick and hot and coursing through my entire body. Consuming me. I didn’t know I could feel this. The flames were sucking my oxygen. My breath wouldn’t catch.
Oh God!

“Breathe, Chloe,” he instructed me without releasing me from our embrace. My heart beat so loud, I was certain he could hear. I squeezed my eyes closed tight. And I took a deep steady breath. What the hell was he doing to me?
With just a touch?
This simple caress reverberated down my spine. Zack’s touch never rang as true as this.

“Can you? Keep an open mind?” he asked again. He moved his hand to the small of my back and with long dexterous fingers, he shaped circles. I closed my eyes and tried to absorb all the sensations flowing through me at his touch.

“Um.” I swallowed hard. “I think I can do that,” I finally said.

“It feels so good to hold you. How does it feel when I touch you?” He sat me up. Then he rubbed his index finger along my jaw, then down my neck and around my collarbone. I forgot to breathe again. “We’re sorta strangers since you don’t remember me. But I noticed the others frightened you and you hid behind me. Do I make you feel safe – protected?” He was quiet, waiting for me to answer. His eyes searched mine, consuming me with every second our eyes held each other.

But I was too embarrassed. How could I tell him how I felt when his words were true: we were strangers.

“I can’t explain it.” Embarrassed, I lowered my eyes and stared at my fingers as they worked the frayed end of my blanket. No way was I confessing I liked him more than I should. For only knowing him a little over a week, it was shameful. I couldn’t admit that to him, though. It wouldn’t be the proper thing to do.

“I can’t make out all that. But you shouldn’t be afraid to express your feelings. You can tell me how you feel. No threat of reproach here.” He lifted my chin so we were facing one another again.

Dang it! I forgot he could read my mind. I had better be careful of my thoughts in his presence. I bit the inside of my lip. How in the world was I going to do that? He consumed all my thoughts.

I didn’t answer him still. I sat and watched my knotted fingers again. He waited for me to start, not moving or becoming inpatient.

“I…I guess my drawback is…my boyfriend. Zack. Umm, of three years…He was murdered a little over a week ago. It feels like I’m doing something wrong…how I feel, I mean. And my mother…my friends. I–I…” I turned my head away from him. My gaze concentrated out the window on our backyard. I looked at nothing in particular, but I couldn’t face him because I had the inexplicable feeling I might cry.

“I’m sorry about what happened to your friend. But he wasn’t your boyfriend. You and I know that.” He attempted to turn my face to him again, but I wouldn’t budge. He was right. Zack wasn’t my boyfriend.
How much did he know about me?
“Look at me,” he ordered me when I wouldn’t on my own. Obediently, I turned to him. His full lips curled into a smile. Smiling made his face even more exquisite.
Stop that!
I wanted to shout. Afraid of what I might do in response to his smile.

“I need you to be Amanda. To walk in her strength. To possess her power. I need her – we all need her. If you give yourself to me, I can unlock you. You won’t fight the inevitable so much that way.”

“You want to unlock me,” I whispered. “What exactly does the unlocking process consist of?” I smiled like an idiot. And I didn’t recognize the beat of my heart.

He stood and motioned for me to stand also. “Come.” I pushed myself from the bed and took my place in front of him as he instructed. “Close your eyes.”

I kept myself still and held my breath as he tarried before me. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me into him. The electrical current, much like before, raced through me at his touch. The smell of his minty breath swirled around me as we stood together.

“Don’t move too fast.”

I trembled with anticipation.

He whispered something I didn’t understand. Then my body jerked forward against him as if an invisible force pulled me. His embrace tightened. Then the wind blew my hair, the sun beat upon my face. Gravel crunched beneath my feet.

My eyes popped open. Chris held me by the waist and peered down at me with an apprehensive expression; I assumed he was gauging my reaction. I spun my head from right to left taking in the scene. We were atop a mountain, really, really high up – somewhere in a tropical forest.

“Oh my God,” I gripped him tighter. Frightened I might fall to my death.

“It’s okay. I have you. I won’t let you go. I promise. I’ll never let you go.”

I looked up into his eyes and my fear dissolved. In its place was a thirst – a longing had built, one I didn’t recognize. I wanted him to kiss me. I didn’t care anymore that he was a stranger.

However, if a week was like three months to me, then it was one day to my parents. They provided me with a list of things that were improper for a girl of my stature. With all the social obligations forced upon me by them, that list was lengthy. That list for now, was tossed out the window. Kissing Chris was at the top of my to-do-list. He hadn’t asked though, so I wouldn’t force it. Just yet.

“This,” he motioned with his right hand to the expanse of trees and mountains in front of us, “is our spot. On every universe, this was where we came to be alone. The others can’t hear us here. And no one else is ever this far out. It was like it was made for us.” He held me tight and looked at me as I soaked in the beautiful scene.

Massive rock formations lined the sky above, and large snowcapped mountains peaked at every corner. A fuchsia sun burst over the horizon and cast an alluring glow on everything around us. A glistening waterfall lay to the right with a cascade of frothy water gleaming. It spilled into a body of water as pristine as I’d ever seen. And sweet smelling flowers – like orchids – perfumed the air. It was breathtaking.

“Are we still on Earth?” I asked. “Yes, we are. It’s beautiful, right? Like you,” he whispered into my ear. My heart leapt forward like it wanted to meld with his. “I knew I would find you. No matter where you are or what you do. My love will always find you. But this time is different for us. I need you to try…try really hard to remember. We’ve had our future stolen from us five times. Five times, we’ve died and haven’t had the opportunity to grow. I can’t lose you again. You told me when we were on Planet Tierra you saw a long future for us here on Earth. You said you saw us married, with grandchildren. I’ve waited many years to make you my wife. Please help me to make that vision a reality.”

I smiled up at him unable to utter a syllable. His words moved me, but also frightened me. I was only in high school. His idea of love and devotion was beyond my comprehension.

But the pain in his eyes resonated with me. I understood pain. I wanted to become the person he wanted and needed. But I had doubts and I couldn’t remember anything of this past life.
Why couldn’t I just be Chloe and have these powers and he want her. Me.
Though Chloe was flawed, she was all I had to offer.

With my eyes shut, I concentrated. Possibly, if I thought of the two of us together, I could conjure something. So I tried, hard. But nothing registered. Only the memories from the last couple days. “I’m so sorry,” I said.

He drew my chin up to meet his darkened eyes. “Don’t worry. We have time.” He stroked the side of my face gently, and then traced his finger across my bottom lip. My mouth parted in anticipation. My heart raced and my knees buckled pushing me further into his arms. He bent closer. His eyes never strayed from mine. His lips lingered by mine as we stared into each other. His eyes glossed to a warm caramel. He bent his head and closed the gap. A shiver of delight fluttered through my abdomen. Our lips moved in harmony, the electric current pressing in on us again. It radiated from every crevice of my body.

“I love you,” he whispered. He continued to trace kisses along my neck then across my chin.

I wanted to say I love you, too. But my heart wouldn’t allow me to tell that lie. However, I could be. Soon. If I could remember.

Maybe there’s nothing to remember.
I slapped back this thought and continued to kiss my newfound soul mate. But with my eyes wide open.

Chapter 12

I’d told Chris, after my coming out party in my bedroom nearly three weeks ago, that my inability to recall anything might be a defense mechanism. “Maybe Amanda purposely planned this,” I explained while at school in front of the ‘normals’– the name Chris and the others called everyone not like them. “We should pretend to only be friends. We should keep up the illusion that I have no knowledge of my past lives.”
Because I have no actual knowledge – just what you tell me.