Finding Me (7 page)

I studied the audience yet again and noticed Chris sitting six seats away on the opposite side of the auditorium. He sat next to a girl with long spiraled hair and a red tee similar to his. As I noticed them, the girl in the red tee turned toward me. She was beautiful with hair long past her shoulders, a slender nose, and a delicate feminine face. Perfect features, like Chris.

When she noticed me staring, she sat back in her seat again. But not before a coy smile penetrated her soft features.

She must be the girl Chris was talking to on the stairs. Her face seemed eerily familiar, but I couldn’t place her. She must not go to Whitney. But if she didn’t then why would she be at Zack’s memorial service?
Maybe she was another of Zack’s secret girlfriends
. I smirked. Then frowned.

Their conversation on the stairs was weird. Something she’d said didn’t make sense at all. She’d said, “Is she the Chloe chick I heard you thinking about earlier?” Didn’t she mean she’d heard him
talking
about earlier?

I turned in my seat to face Emily. “Em, do you recognize that girl in the red tee next to Chris?”

Emily turned in her seat and stared where I pointed. She sat back with a giggle. “What’s wrong with you, CC? Um, that’s Jennifer Riley. You’ve known her since the second grade.” She shook her head with a smirk.

“No, not Jennifer,” I said, rolling my eyes. “The girl sitting
next
to Chris.” I pointed in the direction of Chris and the beautiful girl so Em wouldn’t miss them.

“CC, have you been sniffin’ markers? That’s Jennifer,” she insisted. She grabbed my chin in her hand and turned my head until I stared directly at her.
Jennifer.
She sat right next to Chris where, a minute ago, the girl in the red tee had been. My stomach dropped and every muscle in my body tensed.

“No, but…she had been…I mean…the other girl, she was…”

Melissa sat up and looked at me with worry in her eyes. “Are you okay, CC?” she asked, leaning around Emily.

“Uh, I’m fine. I – I need to go home and lie down.” I’d needed to be alone a lot since I decided to lose my mind. Mother would have me committed to the same insane asylum as Aunt Agnes.

“Do you want us to play buffer for you? We can crash for the night if you need us to,” Emily said. “We don’t want you to go luniac on us or anything.” I glanced at her sideways then realized she must have made up a new word for crazy. I shook my head.

“I’ll be fine. I think I should be alone.” I didn’t need them or anyone else to witness my descent into madness. As if my life weren’t complicated enough.

As the MC closed the ceremony, I took one more fleeting glance down the aisle at Chris. He was standing and waiting for the person in front of him to move. And standing directly behind him was the girl in the red tee.

“Em,” I said, yanking her to my side, “quick, her…what’s her name.” I motioned to the anonymous girl.

“Are you sure you’re okay, CC, because that’s still Jennifer…” She shook her head. “Are you sick or somethin’? You put your brain in shut-down mode?”

Melissa, who had come to stand beside me, thrust her elbow into Emily’s side and shook her head.

Perplexed, I turned and considered her face again. A girl with long spirals and a red tee still stood next to Chris.
Why couldn’t I just see Jennifer like everybody else?

I buried my head in my hands. I had to make some sense of what was happening to me.

When I looked up, Emily pushed past me and stalked over to Chris and the girl. My breath caught in anticipation. She whispered something into the girl’s ear. The ghost girl turned and waved.

It was Jennifer Riley.

I stumbled backwards in shock. Melissa caught me so I wouldn’t fall to the floor. I didn’t wave back. I stared in disbelief, unable to grasp how a moment ago she was not there. Someone completely different in appearance had stood there. No one else had seen her. Yet, I’d seen her. I was certain of it.

Here I go again, totally losing it
. Once I was free of the aisle and caught up to Emily, I asked what she’d said.

“I asked if she’d changed shirts while we were seated because you kept babblin’ about a girl in a red tee. She said no.”

I rolled my eyes at her.

“Oh. The struggle.” She smiled and rolled her eyes, too.

I balled my hands up and shut my eyes tight, not wanting to believe the obvious. I
was
turning into a crazy person. Just like Aunt Agnes.

No. I know what I saw.
Right?
I hadn’t convinced myself. After all, I’d imagined all sorts of strange things lately. I turned abruptly and said, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” I walked with quick strides up the steps to the nearest exit. I needed to regain my composure. Something I couldn’t do with a room chock full of kids gawking at me. I glanced behind me to find Em and Tee right on my heels. I shook my head and kept my pace.

When I reached the top step, I could’ve sworn someone said my name. I pored over the crowded auditorium. That was when I saw them. Chris and the girl in the red tee were hunched together near a right wing exit, talking.

My hands were moist at my side. I wiped them on my jeans, took a deep breath, and then moved in their direction. I had to confront him and the mysterious girl, who only he and I could apparently see.

“CC, where are you going?” Melissa asked. She tugged at my arm to keep me by her side.

“I need to do something. Give me a minute.” I jerked my arm from her hand and kept moving.

“What are you doing?” asked another all-too-familiar voice.

I came to an abrupt halt. I eyed Chris and the ghost girl. They twisted a bit, still in their huddled position, and stared. They looked as if they were waiting…for me. Then both their mouths turned up into smiles as they turned to face me full on.

It was like they were waiting for me. As if they wanted me to join them. I stumbled backwards and into the familiar voice’s arms.

“What is the matter with you?” Mother asked. “Let’s go. Now. Before you embarrass me further.”
Right. I embarrassed you by nearly hurling to the floor.
“Emily and Melissa explained how you have been behaving today. Flirting with some strange boy only days after Zack’s death. How could you?” I glanced around her to stare at Emily and Melissa in disbelief.
Really?
How could you
? I drew my mouth into a tight pout.

“Sorry,” Melissa mouthed. But she wasn’t really sorry. Her apology didn’t touch her eyes. Emily rolled her eyes and glanced away guilty.

Mother grabbed me by the arm and pulled me up straight. I stood beside her, thoroughly scolded. “Look up, Chloe,” she ordered me. She pulled my chin so my eyes had to meet with hers. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I need to get home, relax – that’s all. I hadn’t expected all of this on my first day back. I think it caught me off guard.”

My explanation sufficed because she nodded and walked off .

I stole one more glance in the direction Chris and the disappearing girl had been. They weren’t there anymore.

I wasn’t certain if she’d been there at all.

~ ~ ~

As soon as my foot touched the entrance to our house, I hurried to my room. I wasn’t in the mood for a lecture. What kid ever was? However, Mother seemed intent on getting a rise out of me, because as soon as I entered my room she was on my heels.

Step for step, she was right behind me. It was as if she were purposely trying to provoke me. Wasn’t there something in the Bible about parents not provoking their children? Or driving them completely mad?

“Chloe, I do believe you have sucked all the condolences out of this situation that you can,” she began, nostrils flared, intent on breaking me for the last time.

“Mother, you should know me better than that.” These particular words seemed comical coming across my lips. I stifled a giggle. “This, my behavior, has nothing to do with Zack.”
If I confided in her…told her the truth, maybe she would listen, take me seriously. Maybe even help me.
It was a possibility. She hadn’t always been this cold and distant.

“Mother, I need to tell you something.”
Oh God. I can’t believe I’m about to do this.
“Something I’m not certain you’ll believe. Please don’t interrupt until I’ve finished – a part of me can’t believe I’m saying it.”

Gulp
. I swallowed hard. And focused my attention on the rustic gold slate floor in my bathroom, as I fought for the correct words to explain my mental breakdown. “I’ve been…seeing things…and hearing things. Voices,” I blurted out before I lost my nerve.

“Seeing things,” she said. “What types of things?” She bore her eyes into me, picking apart every word I said. Her eyes were cold steel. She sat on my bed and studied me. Her face carried no expression.
That must come in handy in court
. I couldn’t tell if she believed what I’d said so far, but I proceeded anyway.

“People that aren’t really there. Um, voices of people that aren’t really there…things like that.” I turned my back and winced at what she might say in response to my confession.

“Listen, Chloe, I have represented clients who have had major atrocities occur in their lives. Some of these individuals developed…side effects, because of the level of stress they were experiencing at the time. Difficult and unexpected changes in life can be especially hard for teens. I can get you some help–”

I spun around to face her. “No, Mother, it’s not like that at all.”
Um, actually it sorta is.
“I really did see someone. I heard them call my name and…” I knew she wasn’t listening and had made her mind up about what she would do to fix me. What was the use of continuing?

“I’m calling a psychiatrist for you. I know the perfect person. Talk with her. I am certain she can be of some assistance. Chloe, you will forget this nonsense. You sound like my sister, Agnes. Do not tell anyone else what you just told me.”
Yeah, like I’d ever repeat that.
“Do you understand?”

I nodded. But took slow, even breaths to compose myself. Heat rose to invade my face and I tried not to explode. She wouldn’t hear me out.
What could you have been thinking, Carmichael – confiding in her of all people?

“Mother, I think you’re right. It was all in my head. Can you forget I said it? I don’t know what I could’ve been thinking. It must be stress…I don’t think a psychiatrist is the answer. But thanks.” I gritted my teeth, waiting for her response.

“Well, it still may be necessary for you to talk with someone. You have experienced something extremely traumatic. After all, Zack was going to ask you to marry him next year when you graduated. I think I underestimated the depth of your feelings for him.”

“What? How do you know that?” My mouth dropped to the floor.

“His mother and I discussed it. He had a ring already picked out.”
Not for me.
“She did not find the ring until after his death, but it could not have been for anyone else.”
You’d be surprised.
“He never even saw it. It was delivered to the house the day he died.” She exhaled a deep breath and stared off into nothing. “What a shame, such a waste.”
Does she mean the ring or his life?
“The ring was beautiful, too. A large oval sapphire at the center with a trail of small diamonds enclosed in a white gold band.”
She sounds like a catalog.
She looked up, no doubt scrutinizing every aspect of my being. “I need you well. I cannot have you walking around talking to imaginary people. People will assume your father and I are not performing our duties properly as parents, and it could mean doom for your father’s chance for re-election.”

I tried to remain calm. Mrs. Maureen and my mother were the reason Zack and I had been together. Our relationship wouldn’t have lasted as long as it had without them urging and prodding us along.

The ring he bought must have been for Casey. At least I hoped it had been. I would’ve definitely said no. The way they kissed seemed like they were in love. I never kissed him like that. I’d never kissed anyone like that. With such passion. That ring was most definitely for her.

“I’ll call and see if you can meet her this Saturday,” Mother said before she left the room. Why couldn’t she ever listen to me? Why was everything always about her and dad? I plopped down on the bed. She left without closing the door, too.
As usual.
She ordered Matt and me around like we were soldiers instead of her kids. Telling us to get in line, to follow her rules because she knew best.

Who made her god of our lives?

I glanced with indignation at the door she’d left open. This was another example of her dominance in my life. Normal, courteous things, such as closing a door behind her, were too big a task for her. I peered at the door with burgeoning anger overpowering my normally quiet temperament.

I didn’t want to get up and close it – that would’ve been the polite thing for her to do when she left. My pity session wasn’t complete if I didn’t wonder why everything she did bothered me. That was what she called it when I tried to express my feelings – “a pity session.”

A small creak echoed through the room. Startled, I jumped and followed the sound with my eyes to my bedroom door. It inched closed all by itself. I sat unmoving at the end of my bed, mouth agape as my view of the hallway narrowed and the door shut completely.

I was unable to comprehend what just happened. The only conclusion I could draw was I somehow did it. I made my bedroom door close without touching it. But how could I do that? Was it even possible? The logical part of my brain kicked in and voiced its skepticism. Or more blatantly told me I was crazy. I’d seen people on TV move things with their minds or with the flick of a wrist. I’d assumed it was a hoax, but maybe I needed to rethink my assumption. I raised my hand and extended my index finger until it pointed at the door.

“What am I doing?” I grimaced at my outstretched hand. Nonetheless, I waved my finger once in the direction of the door. I allowed it to linger in the air. A tingle of excitement ran through me at the thought of what I was doing. It was too silly an idea. I dropped my hand onto my lap.