Finding Me (14 page)

We didn’t have any classes together. Either I’d have to wait to see him at the locker later or this evening when he arrived in my room. The in-between time would kill me. Waiting was an overrated activity. I wanted what I wanted now. And I wanted him.

After the last class, Chris didn’t show at his locker. So I didn’t stop at mine. As I made my way to the exit, Melissa and Emily stormed toward me. The expression on their faces let me know I’d messed up – yet again. I steeled myself for what I believed would be a severe reprimand for talking too much with Chris. They loved the idea of Zack and me in a relationship as much as our mothers had. The fact that he had died hadn’t sunk in with them yet. I braced for the verbal onslaught.

“Chloe Renee Carmichael. What’s the deal?” Emily asked. Always overly emotional. She twisted her head and arched her thin brows at me.

“What did I do?” I tried to play confused, though I had a general idea. I shook my head and hunched my shoulders.

“You’re throwing a massive birtharation and you didn’t tell us. We always planned your birthday parties, and now you planned it all without us,” Emily said. I scrunched my face in confusion.
What?

“You even gave out the invitations without us. No fair,” said Melissa. She held up a fuchsia invitation for me to see. I took it from her hand and turned it over. I hadn’t seen it before now.

“Aren’t we still your BFFs or has Chris Thomas scooped in and taken that title, too?” said Emily. She eyed me with a knowing sideways smirk. She had the dirt on me, it said.

“Of course…you’re my best friends,” I said. I glared angrily at the invitation, then shook my head. “Chris and I,” I continued, “are only friends. I love you guys. You know that.” As much as they annoyed me, they were great friends. Shallow and self-centered at times. But great nonetheless. “The best friends anyone else in this stinkin’ school has,” I added, my voice cracking at the end.

“Oh, CC, it’s okay,” they both said in unison.

“Sorry. We didn’t mean to fizz you out,” said Emily, “we felt left out is all.” Absolved of my BFF crimes, her red lips twisted into a grin.

“That’s okay. I didn’t know about a party either. How fair is that,” I muttered. I threw my hands up in exasperation. “My mother.”

“I see,” said Melissa. She smiled, understanding, then elbowed Emily.

“That so sucks ass,” said Emily. Her round face twisted into a frown.

“If it means anything, the word has been spreading like word vomit,” Emily said. “They’re saying it’ll be the party of the year. Since we planned a small party last year, your mom’s sparing no expense this year. She’s planning a massive night. After this party we can officially die. I can’t wait!” Her excitement caught like fire and Melissa and I exchanged glances of amusement. She even got me a little excited. But just a little.

“She’s having it at the Hudson Theatre of the Millennium Broadway Hotel,” said Melissa, “right in the heart of Times Square.” Her topaz eyes sparkled with giddiness.

“I know it’s still a month away, but we should definitely start shopping now for what to wear,” Emily said. “We don’t want to miss out on the best outfits.”

“I agree. Not today, though. Soon. Give me a couple more days. I promise I’ll be my old self again,” I said. I smiled but it was weak. I hoped they would understand.

They couldn’t tell from the way I talked, but I was changing, going through a sort of rebirth. I couldn’t say I was thrilled about my transformation. It didn’t feel complete. The abilities were okay – they beat my monotonous life before. However, I owed it to them and me to try to be Chloe sometimes also. I didn’t want to lose her entirely because I knew, even if Chris and the others didn’t, that I may never fully become Amanda. It was hard trying to find myself. I was only 16; I’d always thought I’d have time for that.
My life can really suck at times.

When I arrived home, Mother sat in the study on the second floor. She tapped away at her computer. The room was clothed in a sea of darkness.

I stood in the doorway for a couple seconds, then walked in silently and sat in the brown leather high-back chair in front of her Italian marble desk. She didn’t look up as I entered. And she continued to type.

“Mother, are you going to acknowledge my presence?” I raised my voice a little more than I’d wanted. I bit my lip to calm my emotions.

“I do see you there. Give me a second. This is important.” She didn’t miss a beat on her keyboard. And I couldn’t give her a second. I’d lose my nerve if I did.

“Mother, why did you plan a party…and without me?”

She didn’t respond. She stopped typing and looked up at me. She tilted her head to the side as if she were trying to understand the question.

“Why? I asked you last year not to do anything this year. The parties aren’t fun for me anymore. I haven’t had reason to celebrate.” I released a breath I felt I’d been holding the entire time.

With the calmest voice she answered, “I planned this party because I could. I wanted to do something nice for my daughter.” She smiled and resumed typing again. Case closed.

“I have a mind of my own. Can’t I decide what’s best for me…sometimes?”

“Chloe, honestly. Is it really so bad that I planned a party for you? Is it so awful that a mother wants to see her child happy? And wants her child to know how much she loves her? I love you, even if I do not say it all the time. And no, you have absolutely no say over what you do. Until you turn 18, you belong to me. So there are no negotiations here…this is a dictatorship.”

“That’s not fair. And it’s not just the party. It’s everything. It’s something as simple as walking two blocks from school. If you really want to show me you love me, talk to me, get to know me. Why couldn’t we have planned this together? Why can’t you talk to me anymore? You don’t even know me. How could you plan a party I would enjoy?” I clamped my teeth to my bottom lip to stop the quiver.
I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not…

“Oh, Chloe, you have a flare for the dramatic.” She waved her hand and laughed.

Dramatic.
I turned the word over in my head a few times.
I’ll give her dramatic.
“Mother, I’m not you. And I never will be. No matter what you say or do to me. Eventually I will leave and I will do what I want. What I think is best for me. Not you.” I rose and walked out of the room without a glance back in her direction.

Before I could make it to the stairs, her meticulous typing began again. I sighed. I’d gotten it off my chest and now I wanted Chris. I needed him to hold me, kiss me, and tell me it would be okay. Despite a vigil attempt on my part not to say the words, I lived to hear Chris’s “I love you”. Someone truly loving me spawned a level of comfort nothing else could. Even knowing the feeling wasn’t reciprocated, Chris showered me with affection. Now, if only I could get my mother to be like that again.

It remains a mystery to me how my relationship with my mother deteriorated so greatly. So fast.
Was that normal?

Chapter 13

I waited forever for Chris to arrive. Every night he showed at the same time. That time had already come and gone. He’d regenerate at any minute, I told myself repeatedly. He’d said he needed to speak with me about something important. He and the others must be on some special mission.

I decided on a quick shower to relax myself. Of course, as soon as I stepped into the water, my imagination broke loose and played games with me. Three times, I heard his distinct laugh. When I raced into my room, he was nowhere in sight. Tired of waiting, I lay down. My eyes inched closed. I popped them open. I fought sleep callously. Sleep won.

I arrived at school early the next morning, full of anticipation. Chris would have an exciting story for sure about why he hadn’t shown last night. However, when I reached my locker, he wasn’t there. My heart sank. I shouldn’t allow this guy to control my emotions like this…but honestly, he did.

Melissa and Emily arrived full of smiles. But quickly took in my slumped shoulders as a signal that I wasn’t having the best day. “What’s up, CC?” Emily said with a light shove to my side.

I didn’t feel it necessary to explain I was falling in love with McFlirty.
How could I?
After three years, I hadn’t had the slightest romantic feeling for Zack. I had been on the longest boytox that ever existed. How could I explain this so they could understand? I barely understood my feelings myself.

No. I was confident in my decision. They wouldn’t understand. They might even try to break us up. Tell me I was thinking irrationally about him. I didn’t need any more drama. I had more than enough already.

Chris never showed at school. And, he didn’t show at my house later that evening. It left me with an uneasy feeling.
Had something gone wrong?

After the third day that Chris still hadn’t shown, I was a wreck. What if something happened to him? What if he trotted off to fight and someone hurt him? What if he needed my help? I rethought the needing my help part. I wouldn’t be able to help. I could possibly get him killed quicker, but not help.

I struggled to call him with my mind all during school. No luck. Though not intentionally, I sulked more than the previous days. I tried to put up a happy front but it didn’t last. My mind continually slipped back into miserable obscurity.
Where is he? What is wrong with me?
Grrr!

While Matt drove home from school the third day Chris no-showed, he peered at me from the corner of his eye. I caught him looking at me a number of times.
Stop, you weirdo
, I wanted to shout. But I didn’t.

“Something’s wrong with you,” he finally said.

“What?” I said. For once, he was perceptive. I cut my eyes at him but did nothing else. His perception could be dangerous. I swallowed hard. Chris had maintained that I not divulge to anyone who we were or what we could do. “We need to blend in with the normals,” he’d said.

“It’s just that, you didn’t even act like this with Zack. This guy must be something,” Matt said. He turned his head to look at me, taking his eyes from the road for far too long.

“What?” I asked again. His statement startled me. I wasn’t that bad.
Was I?
I rolled my eyes and looked down at my nails.
Play it cool.
I didn’t think he paid any attention to how I behaved. I guess there’s a first time for everything. Maybe we weren’t so bad off as siblings if he could read me so well. His awareness to the differences in my two relationships was downright freaky. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. And keep your eyes on the road, monkey boy.”

“Bops, come on. You can play that card with everybody else, but I know you.” He took his eyes from the road again and pointed a finger at me. “It’s that guy…um, Thomas. The one that gave you a ride home from school a while ago.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, half out of irritation that he knew Chris’s last name and half because I didn’t want to talk about it.

He laughed. “Yeah, that’s who it is.” He shook his head. “Some of the fellas told me he’s always checking you out. He asked them who you were when he first got to the school.” He shrugged his shoulders. I inhaled a deep breath.
Just shut up!
“He doesn’t seem that bad. You should go out with him. I mean if that’s what you want. You’re too worried about what everybody else will think about what you do. To hell with them – it’s your life.” He looked over at me once more. How could he be so sweet at times and at others act like the anti-Christ?

We pulled up in front of the house. And when Matt headed around the car, I grabbed him, threw my arms around his neck, and gave him a huge hug.

“Come on, you’re gonna hurt my rep,” he said. He did eventually hug me back, though.

I raced to my room, hoping Chris would be there, waiting with open arms. He wasn’t. I wouldn’t wait all night like I had before, though. So I prepared for bed. There must’ve been a good explanation for him not to show.

The past couple weeks he’d spent every afternoon with me. Then it hit me. Not something new; the thought had probably been there since he’d left. What if they’d found the real Amanda? What if he’d discovered I wasn’t the person he was looking for after all? Was that such a bad thing? No more training to fight an enemy I couldn’t see. No more waiting for the end of the world. Isn’t that what I wanted? Even if that meant I had to remain Chloe. A normal. And give up my time with Chris.

I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated the situation.
What if I never saw him again? Could I handle that emotionally? What about Amanda?
If I wasn’t her, then she existed somewhere, with my face. If they were truly gone, what if someone else believed I resembled her and came to hurt me because of it?
Could I protect myself with the little power I had?

I stared at my hands, still astounded at the things I could do. Where had this power come from? Why did I possess it if I wasn’t one of them? Their story had slowly begun to make sense to me. I had only been able to exhibit two abilities with any real success, but Chris assured me others would soon manifest themselves. I had been skeptical when he’d said it.

Still was.

I glanced up as the stupid light above my bed flickered uncontrollably. I squinted in frustration at the Spectra crystal chandelier. It flickered again. I hated when it did that. I’d asked mother a gazillion times to have it repaired. She’d forgotten, and now the light darted about so much it broke my concentration.

I flipped my hand toward the light switch, thinking it would turn off. Instead, the light skipped once then shined bright with steady light.

“Whoa!” I sat up in awe, trying to assess my actions. I didn’t turn the light off, I corrected it. “I can manipulate electricity. No way!” I jumped from my bed but quickly sat back down to contain my enthusiasm and slow my quickened pulse.

“Electricity off.” I twisted my hands in the direction of the chandelier. The lights blinked once, then, obediently, all went dark. Okay, maybe I didn’t need the dialogue. I felt a little silly, like Inspector Gadget. I sat in the middle of the bed for a moment, not sure what to do next.