Finding You (12 page)

15 - Julia

‘Any particular reason why we’re here tonight?’ I invite, swinging at Charlie’s hand playfully as we walk.

‘Do I need a reason to bring you out on a date, honey?’ His smile seems a little strained, but maybe it’s just me? I’ve been dying to get a private moment with Charlie to fill him in on what Dr Fraser said at Hadyn’s appointment this morning, but Mum’s been around ever since he got back from clinic and I’ve had no chance to get a word in edgeways. I don’t want her getting wind of the fact that Dr Fraser’s flagged up anything before I talk it over with Charlie.

Charlie’s been coming home so late every evening, I haven’t had a chance to tackle him on what Alys told me about Illusion yet, either. I know that’s one of those topics I’m going to have to choose my moment over.

But Charlie’s got some matters of his own weighing on his mind tonight, I can tell. I decide to put my own news on hold for the moment. We pause for a bit by the stone balustrades at the top of the promenade and we both look out over the cold river, which is shining and dark.

‘How long is it since we last came out to this place?’ He asks me softly.

‘Or even since we came out together on a date night?’ I point out. ‘Hmm...’ I can’t actually remember how long it’s been. We used to come out here to Bianca’s Bistro all the time when we first met. The warm, homely cooking smells—fresh-baked pizza dough sprinkled with oregano and thyme, honey-sweet apples, stewed and smothered in custard—reaches us now, even out on the pavement. There’s an empty table outside the restaurant overlooking the water where Charlie puts his beer down.

‘Did you
really
book us a table for seven p.m., Charlie?’ 

He looks away, a little abashed.  ‘All right, it was more like  eight p.m. But your mum was there, all ready and willing to babysit, and Bubba was asleep.’

He was when we left
, I think wryly.

‘And I wanted to get you out and all to myself,’ Charlie admits. ‘Is that such a bad thing?’

‘Of course it’s not.’ I slide down into the chair beside him. ‘It’s a very good thing.’ Charlie takes in a breath. Opens his mouth as if to say something and, not for the first time today, I wonder what news he’s got bubbling inside, waiting to tell me. He had lunch with Angus today, I know that much. But apart from hinting that there ‘are a lot of imminent changes coming’ at the clinic, he hasn’t shared too much.

Unless this is about something else altogether?  He got another call from Rolli earlier this week and he’s finally off to see his dad this weekend, I remember.

I lean in a bit.  ‘Are you
sure
you’re okay about going up to see Tony by yourself tomorrow?’ I probe. ‘If things are getting a bit hairy with your dad, you might want my support?’

Charlie’s mood changes suddenly. He smiles. Lifts the back of my hand to kiss it. ‘You’re not trying to wangle a romantic weekend away with me are you, Julia?’

‘Charlie!’

‘Well. Thanks for the offer.’ He sits back a little, grinning. ‘But I know very well it’d break your heart to leave your son behind so soon—even with your mum—for the weekend. He can’t come, so you can’t come. I’m right, aren’t I?’

He
is
right. I nod ruefully.

‘We’ll get our chance soon enough, though, I promise you,’ he assures me. He’s already mooted the possibility of the two of us going off to Venice for the weekend in a few months’ time, for the anniversary of the day we met. I know it’s unlikely to happen. But it’s nice to imagine that it might. That it could. 

‘And you wouldn’t be very entertained, visiting my dad, J. It’s not the easiest ...’ he swallows. ‘Best I go alone.’

‘Of course.’

‘I won’t be long.’

‘No.’  

We both sit quietly for a bit, watching some people on their bicycles cycling in a tight bunch over the other side of the river; they remind me of a shoal of fish, all moving as one. In training, I imagine. Tony used to cycle a lot in his youth, Charlie told me. It’s such a shame. He hardly goes out anywhere these days, though. Not unless there’s somebody to take him. I glance at Charlie surreptitiously.  
Is
he worried about Tony?

‘It’s very beautiful here, isn’t it? Peaceful. ’ Charlie breathes in deeply now and I catch an echo of his sadness. ‘I mean,
really
beautiful.’ It’s one of those clear spring nights when both the sky and the water are a cold velvet black but there’s still a brightness in the air. Like the world’s waiting for something. Something really good that’s just around the corner.

A sprinkling of silver lights plays across the river, reflects off Charlie’s face and hair, and for a brief moment I feel happy, filled with pride and longing, just being here with him.

‘
You’re
really beautiful.’ He leans in and kisses my nose, making me blush.  I don’t know how he always does this to me. I don’t. But when I’m with Charlie, I feel like a different person than when I’m apart from him.

‘You’re turning me into a silly, love-struck goose,’ I complain, but his hand just grips mine a little tighter.

‘You know, I do wish we had the whole weekend together and not just this one evening.’ His eyes look into mine earnestly now. ‘I have a few things I really need to talk to you about, J.’

I nod, regarding him closely. I have some things I want to share with Charlie, too. 

‘We need to speak,’ I agree.

‘I hardly even know where to begin.’ Charlie speaks at the same time as me. We laugh. I spread my hands now.  He can go first.

A very young waitress approaches us shyly and spends a few nervous moments lighting the little tealight in the coloured glass pot in front of us. The light flickers out, throwing green and blue and red shadows onto the table. We wait politely till she’s done.

‘You go first then,’ I invite Charlie once she’s left.

‘Okay.’ Charlie’s nervous, and it’s not like him. Is this a good sign or a bad sign? He’s making
me
nervous now! He stares at the table for a bit, as if gathering up the courage and then looks directly into my eyes. ‘The first thing I need to say is that I’d really like for us to be married. Soon.’

I laugh, completely taken aback at the unexpectedness of it. ‘
How
soon?’

‘As soon as it might be done,’ he urges. ‘Why delay any more?’ I pull a surprised face and he continues, ‘We could go to the registry office and book in for whenever they’ve got a slot. Just do it. Then we’ll be a family. It’ll be official.’

‘Um ...’ I smile, feeling flattered.  I’d ideally like some time to think about this, but it’s important to him, clearly. Is
this
what he’s been mulling over all evening, and not his dad after all? Not Illusion, or anything else we left behind in Spain?

‘If it takes another year before we organise the big party, then so be it. I just want you to be my wife. I heard the other night what you said about commitment, and I want to prove to you that I do want to commit. I’m hoping,’ he swallows, ‘I’m hoping that it’s still what you want, too?’

If I could have imagined a hundred and one things that Charlie was going to come up with this evening, this would never have been one of them.

‘Of course I do.’ I look at him, feeling slightly bewildered. ‘I suppose ... we
could
do that. If you’re sure?’ And I see the relief on his face.  This’ll be one of those cultural things about Charlie that catch me off guard every so often, I’m thinking. He’s a Catholic. I was married briefly before, so as a divorced woman, a church wedding is out, but I’m the mother of his child and he wants to make us legit.

And all those things I was saying to him the other day, they’re true, of course they’re still true, but maybe being married is just what Charlie needs in order to take his commitment to his family seriously?

‘I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.’

‘Okay then.’ I laugh, filled with a sudden joy that feels like a bright light has just been switched on deep inside. Because ... why not? Why shouldn’t we just go ahead and tie the knot, not wait any longer?  Charlie pulls me in closer and kisses me then,  a full-on snog just like teenagers do and we forget everyone else, forget where we are, even,  till an old lady passes by, walking along the promenade with her little dog. We hear her clearing her throat in a disapproving way.

‘Time and place,’ she mutters as she goes by. Bianca’s Bistro might sound very kitsch and cosy, but they have a lot of important, older clientele.

‘We have to
behave
,’ I tell him, laughter bubbling up in my throat at the face he pulls now at her back. ‘We’re parents. Respectable, soon-to-be married people. And this isn’t that kind of establishment. You’ll get us chucked out!’ Over his shoulder, I can spy the manager, long-faced, regarding us from the doorway. It isn’t too much longer before the very young waitress is in front of us again, this time gingerly placing our dinner menus down on the table.  ‘The manager says to tell you there is a dinner space available for you both
early
if you’d like it?’ she offers in a high voice.

‘That’s okay,’ Charlie folds his arms, looks at me and winks. ‘We’ll stay out here for now. Listen, J,’ his demeanour changes as soon as she’s gone, and he feels nervous again, almost apologetic. ‘There
is
another thing we need to talk about. Something that I need you to consider before you agree to take me on.’

I pause, my glass halfway to my mouth, feeling a little apprehensive suddenly. He’s been a little on edge all evening, hasn’t he?

‘Yes?’

‘I’ve been offered a partnership at the firm.’

‘You have?’ I splutter. He hands me a linen napkin off the table and I feel my face flush, pleased and proud. ‘After all the time you’ve had off, they still want you to ...’

‘Well,’ he smiles, clearly gratified.  ‘It’s not official yet. Angus will have to make a case for it. But I wanted you to know I’m being considered and he feels I’ve got a pretty good shot at it.’ He pauses, regards me a little more cautiously now. ‘I need to know how you’d feel about that?’

‘How do I feel?’ My eyes open wide. ‘I’m ... delighted for you, of course.’

‘Honey, I’ve just dropped my charity work so I can spend more time with you two,’ he reminds me gently. ‘I didn’t want to assume you’d be okay with it if I take this on, in its place.’

‘I’m flattered that you’ve asked.’

‘Of course your opinion matters to me, J. It matters more than anything. And I want you to go into this with your eyes open. What it’ll entail for me. More work responsibilities, no question of that. But not so much jetting off abroad, all the work will be closer to home. More stability. And more money, for school fees, Uni, et cetera ...’

‘School
fees
?’ I laugh, trying to get my head round how fast he’s going with it all.  ‘You’re looking ahead, Charlie!’

‘You have to,’ he tells me earnestly. ‘I’ve put him down for Trinity-St Mark’s. I hope you don’t mind? I know you and I haven’t discussed this yet, but I was talking to Angus and it came up.’

‘You’ve put Hadyn’s name down for public school?’ I take a swig of my drink and place the glass down a little too quickly. A splash of wine spills onto the table. This is all developing just that bit too fast, isn’t it?  Here’s me still wondering how I approach the matter of getting Hadyn into a nursery where I imagine most of the other children of his age will already be toilet-trained whereas he’s not even
remotely
interested in any of that ... and Charlie’s already zooming on several stages ahead.

‘Why not?’ Charlie enthuses. Then his face crinkles understandingly. ‘We won’t be sending him in as a boarder, I promise you.’

I stare at him. ‘It’s not that, Charlie. It just seems so ... soon, to be thinking so far ahead.’

‘In public school terms, believe, me, honey, we’re very
late.
’

So when did
we
start thinking in public school terms? We’ve never even spoken about this. I know maybe this is only what might be expected, given Charlie’s background, but it certainly isn’t a given in mine.  I’d have liked the chance for us to discuss this first. How could Charlie imagine he needs to discuss his
promotion
with me and that he doesn’t need to discuss this?

‘I just ... can’t imagine Hadyn being able to cope.’ I sit back and fold my arms, feeling a sudden chill in the air as a breeze swoops in from across the river. We should go in and order our dinner, I think. We should talk about other things: about Charlie’s dad and how he’s feeling about this weekend’s trip up to see him; about Charlie’s mooted promotion; about that weekend getaway that we’ve promised ourselves once we’re secure with Mum looking after Hadyn and we know that they’re familiar enough with each other.  Other things. All the things that are coming up for us in the coming days and weeks, not things like schools that are years and years ahead and which I can’t even
imagine
right now ... 

‘Hadyn can’t even speak yet, Charlie,’ I can’t stop myself from reminding him.

‘He
doesn’t
speak,’ Charlie corrects. ‘That doesn’t mean that he can’t. I’m pretty convinced that he will. You need to get him into a good nursery that’s all, hon. Mixing with other kids, and soon. We’ve got to bring him out of himself a little, that’s all we need to do.’