Fire and Rain (8 page)

“That was a mouthful.”

“I guess, but I can’t help thinking that your help is only going to last so long, and then I’ll be right back where I was.”

“But you won’t. If Donald can help Isaac get survivor benefits, then you’ll have some support coming in until he’s eighteen. It won’t be a huge amount, but it will be guaranteed money. Donald’s contacts will also try to find you a place to live with a reputable landlord.”

“It’s hard to let someone do things for me when….” Jos paused and swallowed. Kip watched his delicate throat work and knew he should not be watching Jos that closely. Of course it didn’t help that sometimes he was sure he saw Jos watching him.

“It can be hard to trust people,” Kip continued. “It’s easier to rely on yourself, but you can’t do it all, and getting your life back on track is going to require more than you can do alone. And your primary focus needs to be on Isaac.”

“But….”

“I’m not going to hurt you, and neither is Donald. Think of it this way: trusting us doesn’t have a cost. You can leave if you want, and if what Donald and I are trying to do doesn’t work, you’re no worse off. But you could be much better off, with a home and support for Isaac. You only have to let us help.”

Jos took a drink, the ice cubes rattling in the cup, then said, “But why would you want to? Why would you go to all this trouble for me… us? We’re not your family, and you don’t know us at all.”

“We know you,” Kip said. “Both Donald and I see people who need help each and every day. Sometimes they’re victims of crime and sometimes just victims of the cruelty of life. All of us try to help. It’s why Donald went into social work and why I became a police officer. Sometime I’ll tell you how Alex came to live with them. It’ll break your heart. I barely knew either Carter or Donald back then, but what they did for Alex opened my eyes, and we became friends.”

“So why are you helping us?”

Kip didn’t answer right away.

“Really, why?”

“Okay. A year ago I got this call. It was for a domestic disturbance. Turned out we found a woman nearly dead, and she died later. We took the guy into custody. He was a real piece of work, and he made his money having children do what no child should ever have to do.” Kip took a few breaths to clear his head and keep focused on the story. Even though he was a cop, there were some things that got to him like nothing else.

“I was on the call with Carter. He’s a computer geek, but he followed his nose through the house. He found toys, but no kid. I thought he was crazy, but he went up in the attic, and that was where he found Alex. He was Isaac’s age, and that little boy had been through hell. He was messed up, but Carter took care of him. I thought he was crazy to get involved. Let social services do their thing—that way he could stay out of it.”

“But he didn’t?”

“No. From what he told me later, he goaded Donald into taking Alex. To make a long story short, they fell in love with each other while taking care of Alex. He was their matchmaker.”

“Is that what you expect now? That Isaac is going to bring you and me together somehow? That you’re going to find love because of him?” Jos asked skeptically.

“No, that’s not what I expect. But I realized that if it had been up to me, I probably would have left that house without checking the attic, and little Alex would have stayed up there alone. Hell, he could have died. That was a real eye-opener, and I told myself that if it ever happened again, I’d step in and do what I could to help. So that’s what I’ve tried to do. I should have done it when I first encountered you, but by some miracle, I got a second chance, and thank God I got there in time.” Kip sighed. He’d been so damn close to making the same mistake twice. “Sometimes being a police officer and trying to help people isn’t enough. There are times when you just have to do something.” He sat back. “So I’m doing something.”

“And what do you expect to get for it?” Jos asked with a harsh tone.

Isaac took that moment to laugh and pick up Pistachio from his “corral” and start galloping around the porch, making horse noises. Kip followed him with his eyes and smiled.

“Isn’t that more than enough?” Kip asked, and Jos nodded with tears in his eyes. “He’s happy, and that smile of his….”

“I know,” Jos said. “I’ve tried to make him happy and never seem to be able to. Everything I touch turns to crap, and now he’s the one who’s paying the price.”

“You’re both paying for things that are beyond your control, and you’re not alone. Do you know how many people are a paycheck or two away from going through what you did? A huge number. You were the one who everything seemed to conspire against. But part of that is because you didn’t know there was help available. There should have been a social worker who helped you when you got custody of Isaac. They should have helped you sign up for survivor benefits and explained what your options were and how they could help. Instead, you were left on your own.”

“But if I’d been prepared…,” Jos said. He got up, lifting Isaac into his arms, then sat down with Isaac in his lap.

“Who’s ever prepared for parenthood?” Kip asked. “People usually have nine months, but new parents are almost always overwhelmed at some point. You were trying to make a life for yourself and now you’re doing it for two. That adds more challenges. So don’t blame yourself, and concentrate on making the best life you can.”

Jos nodded.

“Have you thought about trying to get a new job?”

“Yeah. But….”

“I’m not saying right now, but think about what you want to do. I mean
really
want to do. I bet Donald could help you get into school. There are lots of programs and help available. You just need to think about what you want.”

“To feed myself, have a house that’s mine, and to know that Isaac is safe, fed, and healthy. That’s all I really want. Everything else is immaterial,” Jos answered. “I can’t think beyond that right now. He has to come first.”

“I know—”

“No, you don’t,” Jos interrupted. “I know you’re trying to think longer term, but it’s the here and now that’s the problem. Hopes for the future come after we have enough food.” Isaac squirmed, and Jos let him slide off his lap. He ran back to his stuffed horse and began playing again, talking up a storm, telling “Spistachio” everything.

“I used to have dreams. Big dreams. I wanted to be an engineer, the train kind, and then a doctor. I even wanted to be a policeman for a while. Even when I was working at the warehouse, I used to work hard and did my job the best I could in hopes I’d get noticed and promoted. On the streets, everything is immediate. How do I stay out of the rain? Get enough to eat, make sure I don’t get robbed, or hurt… maybe worse.”

“I was only trying to help,” Kip said. “If you aren’t willing to look further, then nothing ever changes.”

“But I can’t think about what I want to do in five years when Isaac doesn’t have enough to eat now. That’s all I think about. He’s fed and happy, which is a relief, so now I’m wondering how I can get him his next meal and make sure he’s safe and not going to get sick. That’s all I think about, and I know you’re going to say that we’re going to have dinner here, but what about in a few days or a week? We could be right back out there on the street again.” Jos’s voice got louder and his eyes wider. He sat back in the chair, gulping for air, on the verge of having a panic attack. Kip jumped to his feet, took the cup and set it aside, then pulled Jos’s arms up over his head to stretch his chest and help him fill his lungs.

“It’s going to be okay.”

Isaac ran over and put Pistachio onto Jos’s lap. “I’m okay,” Jos said, and Kip released his arms. Jos took Pistachio into his arms and hugged him tight.

Isaac whimpered, and Kip lifted him onto his lap. “Jos is a little upset, but not at you. Go on and play for a while. We’ll be right here.”

Isaac turned to Jos. He clearly wasn’t buying it. Jos forced a smile and handed Pistachio back to Isaac. “Go on and play,” he whispered. “I’m fine.” Isaac took his horse, and Kip set him down once again.

“First thing, you are not going to end up back on the streets. That isn’t an option. Donald is going to help, and so am I.” Kip put his hand on Jos’s shoulder. He only meant it as a gesture of comfort, but the heat that shot through him was nearly overwhelming. Kip should have pulled his hand away, but he didn’t want that to be misinterpreted, so he left it and gently wriggled his fingers.

“I can’t stop worrying,” Jos said. “What if Tyler had gone after Isaac instead of me?” He began to hyperventilate again.

Kip soothed him as best he could. “He didn’t, and you’re here where it’s safe. And Tyler is behind bars, where he belongs. You don’t have to worry about him any longer.”

The way Jos tried to curl into the chair made him seem small, like if he curled up as far as he could, he’d disappear completely. “I can’t help worrying. Isaac deserves so much more. I need to find a way to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

“What you need to do is stop blaming yourself for what happened and try to forgive yourself. Guilt sucks, and we can let it take over our lives.”

“What do you have to feel guilty about?” Jos shot back. “You have all this, and you had parents who loved and cared for you. I bet everything was perfect for you.”

“Then that’s a bet you’d lose,” Kip retorted and pulled his hand away. He reached for his glass, wishing like hell there was something stronger than lemonade in it. “We all have things we feel guilty about.” Kip stood and went inside the house. He closed the front door and walked through to the kitchen. He set his glass on the counter and placed both hands on the granite counters his mother had installed just before she died. It was his turn not to hyperventilate as anger and long-festering guilt rose to mix together in a soup of blackness.

After a few minutes, he heard the front door open and close, then soft footsteps. Kip pushed away from the counter and opened the freezer door. He needed a pretense, something to cover his actions, and going for more ice seemed to work. He put an extra cube in his glass and then slid the tray home and closed the door.

“I’m sorry,” Jos said. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you. It’s just hard to make people understand sometimes, and I got upset, and….” Jos stared at the floor.

“It wasn’t your fault.” An old wound that had been with him for a very long time had suddenly decided to split open in a big way. “Go back out with Isaac. I’ll be right back out.”

Jos turned and left, and Kip went upstairs to the spare bedroom on the third floor. The room was air-conditioned and heated, so he used it for storage. Plastic tubs were stacked one on top of the other against the wall. Kip scanned the labels until he found the one he wanted. He moved tubs around until he got to it and pulled it open.

Inside were toys. Kip found a few dolls that had been played with hard. He lifted them out and set them aside. He removed a stuffed bear and put it aside too. Then he found what he’d been looking for: a brown horse with a dark plastic saddle. He lifted it out and stared at it. Then he shook his head, put everything back, and slammed the lid back on the tub before wiping away the tears in his eyes. He pulled out the next tub and lifted the lid. Then he grabbed both of them and left the room, carrying them down the flights of stairs and out to the porch.

He set down the tubs, and Isaac hurried over, peering inside as Kip lifted the lid on the top tub. “These were mine when I was a kid, and I thought you could play with some of them.” Kip pulled out various trucks and cars, setting them on the porch floor. Isaac squealed, dropped to the floor, and started pushing the cars around. Kip had needed a chance to clear his head for a few minutes, and getting the toys for Isaac was just the break he needed. And judging by Isaac’s reaction, the decision was a good one.

“You’re going to spoil him,” Jos told him when Kip sat down.

“He deserves to be spoiled for a while, and so do you,” Kip countered. He found it difficult to sit still and went back inside, returning a few minutes later with a plate of cheese, crackers, and grapes. He set it on one of the side tables and sat back down.

“You’re trying to make me fat,” Jos accused even as he placed a slice of cheese on a cracker.

“You’re too thin and you know it,” Kip said. “So eat and relax. Isaac is happy, and you’re both safe.” He sat down and leaned back in his chair, letting his eyes drift closed. Of course, as soon as he did, his imagination took over.

“Why that grin?” Jos asked after a few seconds.

Kip shook his head. “Nothing,” he lied. There was no way he’d admit that he’d been sitting next to Jos wondering what he’d look like without his clothes on and what he’d feel like under him. His imagination had conjured up the most amazing chorus of soft needy sounds, and Kip leaned forward, hoping like hell he wasn’t showing wood. He sure as hell had it, but putting on a display wouldn’t be good. “I was just thinking.” He needed to stop having those thoughts. It wasn’t right and nothing could come of it.

“Kip,” Jos said, and Kip colored, wondering what he’d seen. “I see you looking at me sometimes.”

The heat in Kip’s cheeks rose even higher. “I’m sorry. I look. It doesn’t mean that…. I’m not like Tyler, you know.” Where had that come from? It seemed hard to believe that Jos had only been staying with him for a day.

“I know that. You’d never do anything like what he tried,” Jos said and leaned forward in his chair. “I am gay, just so you know. So you don’t have to worry about me being offended by your little daydreams.”

Kip swallowed. “Even if I were to confess that they were about you?”

“I figured that,” Jos said with a smile and sat back in his chair. Kip did the same, listening to the happy sound of Isaac as he ran cars around the porch. After a while, Isaac went back to playing with his horse, but somehow Pistachio now made the same sounds as a truck.

When Isaac said he was hungry, Kip made lunch and they ate on the porch. It was a late lunch because of their unscheduled ice cream stop, but that was fine. Isaac played the rest of the afternoon on the porch, and Jos watched him. Kip thought he might have relaxed somewhat and even nodded off for a while. Kip took that as a sign of Jos’s comfort around him.