Five Days Grace (21 page)

"Yes, it is."

She felt like she was glowing with happiness at the moment, but despite that kiss he gave her and his smile, she could tell he wasn't. Something had happened.

"More coffee in the kitchen?" he asked, heading there already.

"Yes."

He was back a moment later, sitting beside her, looking out at the lake through the trees.

"When I finally woke up, I felt something warm and snuggly at my back, and thought it was you. Then I rolled over and found Tink in bed with me," she told him.

Aidan tried to smile, but couldn't quite pull it off.

"You didn't take him with you this morning?" she asked.

"I did, for a while. Then I brought him back and walked some more." He was quiet for a second, too serious, and then said, "I needed some time, to figure out a few things."

"Are you okay?"

He nodded. "It's not me."

"Okay." She could breathe again. "God, you scared me."

"I'm sorry, honey. I tried not to come back until I'd figured out how to handle this."

A deep sense of dread flooded her body. He was going to let her down easy, she feared. It was too hard. She was too messed up, and they barely knew each other. But why would he start out this way, when he could just walk away? He eased forward, and—oh, God—she thought he really was going to get up and just walk away, and she felt an overwhelming sense of loss at the idea.

But he didn't get up and go.

He just shifted farther back on the makeshift sofa and then stretched out his arm along the back of it and motioned with that hand, inviting her over. She snuggled in close. He brushed a hand through her hair, tucking it in behind her ear, and then kissed the top of her head. She was back in that place where she felt so safe, in his arms.

"Something happened this morning, Grace. I messed up, and then I had to sit down and really think. What's my bottom line here? What do I want? And I decided that, more than anything, I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to lie to you."

"Well, that doesn't sound bad," she said.

"Baby, the thing is, in this particular situation, it's one or the other, hurt you or lie to you, and I just hate that. I don't want to do either one."

"You said you messed up? Are you saying you lied to me?"

"No. But there's a lot I haven't told you. About me. About what happened to me. What I was like afterward—"

"I know that, Aidan. I haven't told you everything, either. I couldn't stand to just spill it all out there at once. You'd run screaming in the other direction—"

He pressed his hand to her face and turned it toward his. "No, honey, I wouldn't. Not from you. I've already decided. No running."

He nuzzled his nose against hers, smiled down at her and then kissed her, a soft, slow, thoroughly delicious kind of kiss.

"So," he said, still holding her face close to his, "I was talking to my brother this morning, and I said, 'I met someone, and she's amazing.' "

Grace grinned. "None of this sounds bad."

"No, not that. I guess I went on and on about you. You make a lasting impression on a man, Grace, because my brother met you once, and he remembers, said you left him unable to put together a coherent sentence in your presence."

"So, he's going to be jealous?"

"Oh, he's gonna be so pissed. Let's say, in some other life, you and I are so much farther from our respective problems than we are now and just crazy about each other. I take you home to meet the family, and Tommy sees you and realizes who you are. He won't believe I've managed to snare you. He'll probably start claiming he saw you first, and how you never gave him a proper chance, and try to convince you that you picked the wrong brother."

"In some other life?"

Aidan nodded.

It made a tempting picture, that other life he'd sketched out for them.

"That doesn't mean we won't get there someday, Grace. I want to get there. I like you so much already."

She opened her mouth to say something back, but he pressed two fingers to her lips and shook his head.

"I just needed to say it. You don't have to say anything back, not right now. Besides, I have to get this other thing out or I'll never be able to do it. Tommy asked if I was talking about you, and I realized I'd been stupid to say anything, because he knows your brother, who you probably don't want to know anything about you being here with me or why you ended up here at all."

"Well, no." Still, this didn't sound awful. Not yet.

"I told Tommy it wasn't you. I don't normally lie to him, but—"

"Thank you," she said.

He nodded. "The thing is, next thing I know, Tommy's warning me to be careful about what I say, in case I do meet you while I'm here, because—"

"Oh." She got it now. "Like... don't ask about Grace's husband?

Aidan nodded.

"Because he died a few months ago?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry, honey. I had no idea until he'd already put it out there. So, I just want you to know that I know."

"Okay," she said.

"I'm sorry, really sorry, both that you had to go through that, and because it wasn't something you were ready to tell me. You don't have to say anything about it, if you don't want to. I'll go right back to pretending I don't know. It's up to you. Whatever you want."

He kissed her forehead, and then she eased her head back down to his chest. He just held her for a while, giving her time to think it through, to figure out what she wanted. She liked that so much about him, that he was a patient man. He'd sit silently and hold her while she thought something through. It felt so nurturing, so kind. It made her feel safe with him.

"Are you mad? That I didn't tell you?" she asked finally.

"No."

"Really?"

"Not mad. I'm... something. I don't even know the right word for it. I want to be the guy you tell everything, Grace. But that's probably a position a man has to work his way into over time. I understand that. I'm willing to work for it."

"Thank you. That makes things easier. I'm sorry."

"Baby, I don't want you to be sorry about anything. I just want to help you, any way I can."

"You have. You are. I want you to understand why I didn't tell you. I live in a small town, and it seems like everyone knows me, knows Luc died. It's exhausting, Aidan. People don't know what to say or do. A lot of them are so uncomfortable, I end up trying to make them feel better. And then, there are all the expectations. What I'm supposed to do. How I'm supposed to act. I'm supposed to grieve, but not so much that it makes people uncomfortable. But I'm not supposed to be happy, either."

"Ahh, honey. I'm sorry."

"Apparently, there's some perfect model of widowhood, some very narrow range of what's expected and acceptable, and it's exhausting trying to stay in that little space. All to make other people feel better about the fact that my husband died."

He put his hand in her hair again, stroking it gently. "I had no idea."

"So, when I met you, it was nice not to be expected to act a certain way, or for you to feel like you had to act a certain way."

"We'll go back to that. That's fine—"

"And I could be mad at him with you," she rushed on. "It was nice to be able to be mad at him for what he did without feeling guilty because he died. I needed someone to be mad at him with me."

"Well, I'm your guy. We'll trash-talk him all you want. Stupid son of a bitch, to treat you the way he did. How's that?"

"That's good." She smiled in spite of herself. Aidan was really good at making her smile.

"I can do better. You join the military, you get a master class in swearing. It's a point of pride with us. How crude do you want me to be when I talk about him? Because I try not to be too bad in front of civilians, especially women I'm trying to impress."

"You're doing fine. I want you to know, I was going to tell you about him and my marriage. I'm working myself up to it."

"Whenever you're ready, Grace. I'm not going to push."

"Thank you." She sat up and turned to face him, not so anxious anymore. "God, you really scared me. When you walked in, you had this look on you face like something terrible had happened."

"Yeah, well... About that? I'm afraid there's more, honey. The really hard part."

Grace searched her memory to try to remember exactly how much she'd told him and what she still hadn't. "There isn't anything else. Not really. Nothing big and awful."

He looked her right in the eye, understanding and concern on his face. "I don't think you know, Grace, and I really don't want to tell you."

Something she didn't even know?
God.
A million possibilities came to mind, all of them bad. She shook her head. Hadn't there been enough really hard things already? He'd died and he'd cheated on her, and he'd been her husband. What else could be as awful as that?

"But you're going to tell me, right?" she asked. "Because you're not going to lie to me. You said so. You're going to be the guy who doesn't lie."

"I am." He nodded, his gaze so steady and reassuring. "I hate it—what I have to tell you—but I will."

"Well, I don't hate it at all. Go ahead. Be that guy. I need that guy. I'll like you even more than I already do."

"Tommy kept talking, and eventually he said something about... Grace, I'm sorry." He looked grim. "Something about Zach suspecting your husband was... doing things he shouldn't have been doing on the day of the accident."

Grace closed her eyes, stunned and furious at the same time. "He knew?"

"Suspected. That's what Tommy said."

"That my husband was unfaithful to me, and my own brother didn't even tell me?"

"Doing things he shouldn't have been doing. That's exactly what Tommy said. I didn't ask for a lot of details, because I'm not even supposed to know you."

Grace thought about screaming, she was so mad. She scrambled to her feet, looked down at Aidan, who was sitting there waiting to see what she'd do. He was obviously worried about her.

She groaned, turned and ran out the door, out into the woods. She could hear Aidan and the dog coming after her. Not trying to stop her, but being there, waiting to see what she did, and then she made herself stop running, because Aidan shouldn't be running. She didn't want him tearing his incision open again because of her.

But she was still really mad, so she started kicking the leaves that were on the ground, sending them flying into the air. Tink thought it was a game, and he wanted to play, started dancing around in the leaves himself, which somehow made her even madder.

She took aim at a tree next, needing to hit something more substantial than leaves.

Aidan caught her, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back. "Not that. You'll break your foot."

He set her back down on her feet, and she was still so mad, she thought about hitting him, which was ridiculous. She wasn't mad at him.

He held his hands up in front of him. "Come on. Right here. Punch 'em."

"I don't want to hurt you!"

"Honey, you're not gonna hurt me. Come on. Show me you don't hit like a girl."

Hit like a girl?
He was going to insult her? Now?

She punched her fist into his hand, and he let her, resisting so that she didn't get anything but his hand. But still, it made a nice smacking sound and it felt good. She hit him again, like they were sparring partners. It was highly satisfying, punching something, even if it was just his hands. God, he was strong. So strong. He didn't look it, probably because he hadn't been out of the hospital for so long, but the man was like a rock.

She went at it as hard as she could, hitting his hands until she was exhausted. She finally gave up and collapsed onto the leaves. Aidan sank down onto the ground in front of her. Tink was still playing, diving into the leaves and sending them flying, then chasing them when he had them in the air. He was ridiculously happy.

Grace was trying not to cry. She was so sick of crying.

"I can't believe he'd do that to me!" she yelled finally. "They all think I'm so damned fragile, and I'm not, I swear!"

"I know that. There's a tough girl inside you, and I like that toughness, Grace. I admire it."

"Well, you're the only one who sees it. I've had it so easy, my whole life. I've been so lucky. You don't even know what life could have been like for me. It's like I was the luckiest girl in the world, and I've never understood why. Why everybody else had it so tough, and I didn't. I had this fairy-tale kind of life. And who gets that? Nobody really gets that. But I did for the longest time, and because of that, maybe because I'm the baby of the family and I look... the way I look, everybody tries to protect me."

Aidan shook his head, reluctantly starting to talk again. "I have to tell you, I was furious when Tommy told me Zach had kept this from you—"

"Zach and we don't even know how many of the rest of them. Tommy didn't say anything about the rest of them?"

"No, just Zach."