Fixated On You (Torn Series #5) (26 page)

It was a depressing thought, to use your own baby to make your husband love you again, but I didn’t have anything else. When he was home, he catered to me by making sure that I was well fed, not bored and exercised tons. Even though he was attentive in that aspect, Bass hadn’t touched me in any romantic way. I believed he looked at me now as the woman who was going to bear him a child. Those loving looks I had once taken for granted were now gone. That was why it was so easy for me to believe that he was falling for another woman; his co-star and sidekick, Kim.

The sad thing, too—and I believed this was why he never consummated our marriage—was that he didn’t want it to be real. He had absolutely meant those words when he told me he was done with me. It killed me to see him so distant, yet I still held hope that maybe our baby was the one thing that could save us both. I needed Bass to see me, not as the mother of his baby, but as the woman he had once loved. I really did hope that it wasn’t too late to save us.

Carter and I hadn’t spoken after that last visit, but Lindsey and the girls had kept me updated. They meant well, but I hadn’t visited them much. I didn’t want people to see how depressed I was. Most of all, I didn’t want them to see how sad I was because Bass wasn’t in love with me anymore. People thought that he was the same man—the man that worshipped me all day long—and I still wanted them to think that. It was what I was hoping for deep inside. I hoped he realized that I was completely crazy about him.

I had made mistakes; we both had. Why wouldn’t he just talk to me and give me another chance, though? I was suffering without his love.

The pains started right after I had my late afternoon snack of biscuits and fruits. Lately, the pains had been so unbearable that I had been soaking myself in a warm bath to help with the stinging pain.

Bass wasn’t due to come home until tomorrow, and as much as I would like to take him up on his offer to call him anytime, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I was already needy in so many aspects of our marriage, I was sure I could handle these tiny spurts of cramps.

However, at ten at night—an hour after I had fallen asleep—I was awoken with severe pain. It shot up from my belly all the way to my back. I was gasping for air, trying to calm myself down as I reached for my phone. In my discomfort, I wasn’t sure if I should call 911 first or Bass.

My heart won out. I groaned after the second ring when he wasn’t able to pick up. By the time his voicemail surfaced, I was on the verge of tears, feeling neglected. “Bass—”
I need you
, I wanted to say. Feeling stupid, thinking that he might be
busy
, I hung up just when another wave of stabbing pain shot through me. This time, it didn’t go away, though. With shaky hands, I called emergency.

I think I was just able to ask for help before the pain became so much that I lost consciousness. I remembered thinking how sad it was that, if I couldn’t manage to save our baby, I was going to be a divorced woman very soon.

Chapter 33

Bass

Tonight called for celebration. You see
, good news had come from my lawyer and Barbara that it wasn’t me who had fathered Nikki’s baby. In fact, it was the other guy who still remained unknown. Barbara had informed me that it could possibly be a married man of high importance, which was why he wasn’t willing to so easily give out his name. This terrible nightmare was definitely a closed and done chapter.

“You look extremely happy. It looks good on you, you know. You should smile like that more often.” Kim winked at me while giving me those longing glances.

“Thanks, I guess,” I said, pouring myself another glass of full-bodied French red. I was sure Emma would be happy with this news; it certainly wasn’t a secret how much she hated Nikki.

Kim moved closer, about an inch apart from my face, looking a tad nervous. “I’m not really sure what’s going on with your personal life, I’m just picking up from what you tell me—which isn’t really much—but I think you’re very unhappy with your life. And if things were any different, I’d just like you to know that I really like you. Staying in a marriage all for a baby isn’t a recipe for success.” She looked away. “You’ve spent more time with me for the last weeks instead of her, did you not know that?”

Of course I did. I wasn’t dense. I chose to hang around Kim because she was easy to talk to. Being with Emma was suffocating. Besides that, I hated how, each time I saw her, I wanted to touch her belly and I just couldn’t. She reminded me too much of what I had lost. Even if she and I were married, my wounds weren’t healed. They had been stitched up, yet they were still raw.

Kim was a great girl. Not like Nikki, who was always in my face. Kim had class. She was also very intuitive and smart. In other words, she was a woman I liked to be around; if Emma hadn’t been in the picture, I might’ve dated her, too. In the back of my thoughts, I knew once the divorce was done, I was going to.

I needed to free both of us. Emma might not understand my motives, but it was for the best.

“Yes?” Kim asked the waiter who had approached our table while I reached for the olives and scanned through the crowd in the hotel bar in Arizona.

The waiter cleared his throat before addressing me in a formal tone. “Mr. Cole, I was told to relay a message about your wife being in the hospital, sir.”

I tensed as I reached for my phone. Emma had called two hours ago. I didn’t even think twice, I immediately darted out of there as I dialed to book a private jet to get me to her. When I was told that I couldn’t leave until an hour later, I wanted to scream in frustration.

The production always had chauffeured cars on standby for us to use, so I made use of that in order to head straight to the private airport. I didn’t want to waste any time. Once I was inside the car, I called Emma’s phone, but it just went straight to voicemail. “Emma. Fuck.” I was beside myself, angry for not hearing her call.

She never called me; well, not anymore. So for her to do so, that only meant that she had been desperate. Had something happened to the baby? Or did she get into an accident? The horrifying images were bombarding me left and right. All I knew was that she was in Cedars-Sinai Hospital. Other than that, no one knew what was really going on. The nurse, who apparently called the hotel, wasn’t allowed to disclose anything over the phone due to Emma being a celebrity and the regulations were different when it came to disclosing important details to anybody.

By the time I got to the hospital, Emma was fast asleep. I almost lost it when I saw how pale she was. “I’m so sorry.” I sat next to her, holding her cold hand before kissing it as my tears fell.

Our baby was gone, and when she woke up and found out that it was, she was going to be destroyed. Our baby had meant everything to her. I should’ve been here with her. I should’ve kept her with me in Arizona, instead of agreeing with her that she could stay in LA to be close to her family and friends. She was my wife, and I had failed to protect her and our baby. Somehow, this was my fault; everything was
, that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to look at her sometimes.

Just as I had expected, when she woke up six hours later, she was screaming at the nurse who had informed her the same as I when she didn’t believe what I said about the baby. “You can’t tell me that—I need to see the doctor and not some nurse!” she yelled at the sorry looking nurse, distraught.

“Emma.” I gathered her in my arms as she punched my chest, wanting to be free. “I’m here, my love. I’m here.”

“Our baby. Our baby’s gone,” she murmured, sobbing. “This is all my fault, all my fault.”

For the next couple of hours, we remained the same; I held her until she couldn’t cry any longer. I wanted to take her pain away, but I knew I couldn’t. I was hurting, too, however I knew hers was far worse. That baby was one of the things that I had craved. I had pictured a blue-eyed, blonde little girl, bouncing on my lap; one that looked exactly like her mother.

“I was going to name her Angela for a girl, or Bass, if it turned out to be a boy.”

Stroking her hair, I sighed, hoping that I could do something to ease her pain. No matter what we had been through over the last few months, I hated seeing her going through this. “Shh, sleep now, Emma. Don’t stress about it. I’m here. I’ll take care of you.” Gently, I lowered her body to the bed before covering her with the blanket.

“Don’t leave.” She reached for my hand. “Please, just for tonight. I need you to hold me.”

I was almost sure that the nurses wouldn’t mind if I joined her in bed. After all, this was a sad night for us, and my wife needed me more now, more than anything. “I’m not going anywhere,” I promised.

When she finally fell asleep, I reluctantly admitted what I had been denying for so long by whispering into her ear, hoping that she’d know that I would always be here for her. “I love you, Emma.”

Always and forever, you’ll always be the one in my heart.

Bass

For two weeks, I kept an eye on Emma. I knew she didn’t want to leave California right now, but somehow I convinced her to stay with me in Arizona for a little while. It was difficult to see her so completely broken in the very beginning, however as the days passed, I could see the old Emma begin to return.

We hadn’t spoken about what we’d do after this. Our agreement had been to divorce after she gave birth, but since we’d lost our baby, the first thing that had occurred to me was that, no matter what had happened, I didn’t want to live without her. Then I slowly realized that it wasn’t me she’d actually chosen and now she was free to go. Deep down, even if it pained me to think or act on it, I knew all I wanted was for her to be happy. After all the suffering I saw her go through in the aftermath of losing our baby, I knew with one hundred percent certainty that Emma deserved the happy ever after that she had sought for with Carter.

No matter what she had told me when she’d found me in Greece, he was her first choice. Each and every time, she had always gone to him. So, I had to make decisions; decisions that were going to affect me for the rest of my life. Wasn’t love all about making the person you loved happy, though?

I had to be the bigger man here. If I could just do this one last sacrifice to make Emma happy, then I could take on what life had in store for me for the rest of my life.

With this in mind, all I had to do was wait for the right time. I still had two weeks until we wrapped up shooting. I just hoped that these two weeks left wouldn’t be too hard. I could utilize this time to slowly say goodbye to her. Each time I looked at her, it gut me to know that I couldn’t have her. I knew where her true love and heart lay, and I was going to guide her there at all costs.

~B~

“Where have you been? It’s two in the morning,” Emma asked from across the room the second I opened the hotel door.

I had been drinking myself into a stupor because I couldn’t bring myself to stay up here, knowing that she was in her room; knowing that she was merely a touch away. I didn’t want to taint her with me. She needed to be free of any new memories of me before she left. She’d thank me for it in the long run.

Even in my inebriated state, I saw Emma had donned only her silk robe. I had never seen anything so beautiful. I ached to touch her. I knew I had been lying to myself when I said that I didn’t want to fall for her again because, clearly, I had never stopped. I wished I had at one point; but why reason with myself? I knew I loved her… even if she didn’t. It was utterly apparent that I had continued to be head over heels, crazy the fuck in love with her.

I wanted to take her in my arms and kiss her worries away. To believe that, maybe someday, we could try to have a little family again. However I knew that wasn’t my place to make that dream happen. I had only been the proxy, not the real deal.

When I saw her slowly come towards me, my thoughts vanished as I watched her face studying mine. Up close, with no make-up on, she looked like a beautiful angel; a sexy, gorgeous angel that was out to kill me by her eyes alone.

Emma stopped just a few inches from me, looking up at me with wonderment and hurt. What came out of her mouth next took me off guard. “Why don’t you touch me?”

With good reason
. I opened my mouth to give her the list of reasons why, but my mind was rendered blank as I stared into her eyes… and God, those lips.
I’d give my life just to kiss her once more for the last time,
I thought looking away, feeling guilty. I wish I could, but I knew I shouldn’t. I hated being in this hateful position. 

Her lips pressed together, definitely not happy with my silence.
As she slowly untied her robe, she sought out my eyes. “Do you find me so repulsive?” she asked when she let the robe fall, pooling around her feet.

Fuck me. She was fucking naked. Still, her breasts remained supple and my hands were itching to touch them, but my mind kept stomping my desires down. I truly hated myself right now. “Go to sleep, Em. You need to rest.” Yeah, that was the best I could do.

“Is it because I miscarried our baby? Is that why?” she pressed on, not picking up that damn robe while my betraying eyes watched in fascination how her nipples were starting to pebble under my scrutiny.

Pregnancy or not, I thought Emma was the most irresistible woman I had ever encountered. Did she not know how much this was costing me? I knew I was going to berate myself later on.
Please
, I silently begged her to keep herself away, or I might just ravish her on the spot because, God, I didn’t want to get her pregnant again. I knew she wasn’t on birth control.