Flirting With Maybe (6 page)

“Hey there, you,” he said. At least, that’s what he thought he said, until Brooke burst out laughing.

“What? Are you drunk, Ry?”

“Nah. Just a littlest bit.”

The sound of her laughter was so delicious.

“I just wanna eat you up, Brookie. But you already know that. Yeah.”

“Oh, wow. You are so gone. Who’s there with you? They need to put your butt to bed.”

“I’ll tell you what I need do with my
butt
. I need to come down there and kiss you again.”

She got quiet and the room started to spin. Ryan felt uneasy but didn’t understand why.

“Seriously,” she finally said, “where are you? I’m worried.”

“I’m just . . . right here. An’ I still love you.”

“Ry—”

“Stop, I know. I know you forgot about me, but I ain’t a kid anymore.”

“I haven’t forgotten you, Ryan.” It was quieter now, like she’d stepped outside.

“Then why don’t you talk to me anymore? Who do you tell all your shit to? Huh?”

“Nobody,” she whispered. The pain in her voice made him close his eyes.

That was the last he remembered of their conversation when he woke up on the bathroom rug the next morning, and he wished he couldn’t remember that humiliating amount of it. He didn’t have the nerve to call her, so he texted later that day, feeling sick again as soon as he sent it.

Sorry about last night.

She responded right away.

lol. Just glad u r ok.

He was too embarrassed to say anything else. She wrote him even less after that, as if his drunken declaration forced the chasm between them even deeper.

Ryan was so glad when the spring baseball season started. He threw himself into practices and games and let it take over his life more than ever, hitting the weights and batting cage every day they’d let him. His team did well that season, winning regionals and almost making it to states. Seeing their dedication pay off gave him a huge sense of gratification. They were a young team, nearly all juniors, so they’d be even better next year.

He shared all the stats with Brooke, and knew her enthusiasm was sincere when she responded. He just wished there was something other than baseball he could get her to talk to him about.

In May, his stomach dropped with disappointment when she wrote and said she decided to stay at school to take summer classes.

A month later he ran into Jackie at a party.

“You talked to Brooke lately?” she asked.

He told her about the last message he’d gotten and she sighed.

“Yeah, we don’t talk much anymore. She has all her sorority sisters now. I guess her sorority is all hard-core, almost getting kicked off campus and whatnot.”

“For what?” he asked.

“Hazing.”

When his eyebrows went up, she explained, “Mostly drinking stuff.”

Ryan didn’t like the sound of that; in fact, it caused a moment of panic to flare inside him. He imagined Brooke blindfolded and forced to drink too much, and it made him want to throttle someone, even if it was something she’d signed up for. Jackie sipped her beer and offered more information.

“She came up to visit me at school in February. One of her friends drove her. It was awesome to see her, but, oh my gosh . . . she got so freaking wasted and passed out in the guy’s car who was driving us. We had to carry her and sneak her in my dorm.”

Jackie laughed at the memory, as if it had been a good time, but Ryan could only nod, deep in dark thoughts about all the dangers Brooke was getting herself into. Did Jackie still not know about Brooke’s family history? He didn’t think she’d make light of the drinking thing if she did. Part of him wanted to tell Jackie, but he couldn’t bring himself to betray Brooke’s trust.

“Does she have a boyfriend?” he asked, even though he didn’t want to know.

Jackie snorted. “When does Brooke
not
have a boyfriend?”

At the look on his face she quickly clarified. “I mean, she dates, you know? It never gets serious-serious. She’ll have a boyfriend for a few months, then she’ll be single a couple weeks, then another guy. You know how she is, Ryan. And it’s only gotten worse.”

He’d been clenching and unclenching his hands in his lap the whole time she was speaking, trying not to breathe too fast.

“Why does she do that?” His voice sounded angry, despite his effort not to appear fazed.

Jackie just patted his forearm and sighed. “Trying to prove something to herself, maybe? I don’t know. She’s got a lot of hurt inside. Hopefully she’ll come back to us someday when she’s done searching for love in the wrong places.”

Searching for love.

It’s right here, Brooke,
Ryan thought.
Right freaking here.

Jackie left him sitting there, seething in pain and anger, while she joined in a hand of cards. She sat there laughing, happy. Ryan knew Jackie loved Brooke, and she’d been pushed away by her just as he had. But Jackie had moved on, just like Ryan should.

He looked over at the group of girls across the room, who were always trying to get his attention. They got quiet when they saw him looking, so he dropped his gaze and heard hushed giggles erupt. He stood and pulled his keys out of his pocket, heading for the door without saying good-bye to anyone.

Yeah, he needed to move on, and he would. Just not yet.

CHAPTER NINE

I
n fall of his senior year Michelle Vasquez asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance.

Ryan hadn’t gone to any dances his junior year. He wasn’t into that stuff. But something about the way Michelle bit her lip, looking so nervous as they stood there in the hall . . . he knew that feeling.

“Yeah, sure, I’ll go,” he told her.

She rocked back from her heels to her toes. “Really? Awesome!”

Her smile was pretty.

Her best friend, Sarah, asked Ryan’s friend, Jake, so the four of them went together. After the dance they’d had a joint make-out session in the toy box with Ryan and Michelle in the front and Jake and Sarah in the back. That night sealed the deal, and the two couples became nearly inseparable.

Life went on.

There were things about Michelle that drove him crazy in a bad way—especially her negative body image. She was gorgeous with all that dark, curly hair, which she’d grown longer; and in his opinion she was too skinny. Apparently his opinion didn’t matter, because she rarely ate more than a bite or two in front of him, and she always insisted on having the lights off when they made out. He wasn’t sure, but he thought she was too self-conscious to even enjoy the things they did together. It was times like those when he thought of Brooke, and how different it would be with her, which made him feel guilty.

But the worst thing about Michelle was her jealousy. Ryan was a loyal guy. He didn’t check out girls the way his friends did, but she still needled him about it.
Do you think she’s cute? Do you wish my boobs were as big as those? Were you really in love with Brooke Bennett? When’s the last time you talked to her? What do you guys talk about, anyway?
The questions about Brooke forced a brick wall up inside him. He didn’t want to talk about Brooke to anyone, especially not Michelle. It wasn’t her business. And he didn’t like the way Michelle said Brooke’s name like it was something vile.

That thought made Ryan realize maybe he wasn’t so faithful to Michelle after all, and she had every right to be paranoid. Because he looked forward to the summer and holidays for different reasons than his friends. Although, admittedly, Ryan did not hope for a visit from Brooke like he used to. Now and then he let himself fantasize, but reality was too solid and too constant to let him be a fool anymore. Brooke was done with him. And besides, it would be too weird to have her see him with Michelle.

The only thing Ryan truly looked forward to was baseball. Sometimes he enjoyed being with Michelle, but mostly it felt like work, like he was walking on eggshells, trying not to accidentally piss her off or hurt her feelings. Ryan didn’t know how to handle her tears and mood swings. He went through the motions and tried to be a good boyfriend. She told him she loved him and he said it back. She said she was ready to have sex and so they did. He pretty much did everything she wanted, and still she never seemed at ease in their relationship.

Ryan’s mom came home from work one day to find him sitting on the front steps of their town house next to the pile of leaves he’d just raked. She pulled off his ball cap and kissed the top of his sweaty head, then motioned him inside the house.

“What’s on your mind?” she asked.

He sighed and let his hands fall to his thighs with a smack as he sat on the couch. “Michelle’s always on my case, saying she doesn’t think I love her and stuff. I don’t know what else she expects me to do to prove it.”

His mom nodded, gathering her thoughts as she set her purse down and came to sit next to him.

“
Do you
love her?” she asked.

“I guess, yeah.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You guess?”

He shrugged and looked down, feeling like he was under a microscope.

“Ryan, girls have the intuition to know when they’re loved or not. You should never tell a girl you love her if you don’t.”

Guilt and frustration burned inside him. He didn’t know what to do. Michelle was good to him, and he thought he could probably love her someday. Eventually. He had no reason to break up with her, and, besides, with Michelle’s crazy low self-esteem, that would be the worst kind of drama. He freaking hated drama. It was easier to stay together and hope things would get better.

“She’s a nice girl,” his mother said. “A little . . . controlling from what I’ve seen, but she deserves your honesty. And you need to do what’s right for yourself, too, honey.”

“Yeah,” he whispered.

But he didn’t know what was right for himself. All he knew was that he couldn’t change how he felt. He didn’t feel the way he should for Michelle, and he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to feel that way with anyone, but he knew he’d better start doing a better job of faking it or Michelle would never relax and let them live in peace.

“Don’t settle for something less than love, Ryan,” his mom said, squeezing his hand before she got up to start dinner.

It was good advice ideally, but easier said than done.

CHAPTER TEN

R
yan was shocked to get a text from Brooke on a random Tuesday night in November.

Hey. U up?

He cursed his stupid body for reacting like it always did—banging heart, too hot everywhere.

Yeah,
he responded.
U ok?

Just saying hi. i heard you have a girlfriend. Sarah, right?

Shit. His heart jackhammered now.

Michelle. But it’s nothing serious.

As he typed the words he felt like the biggest douche bag in history, because isn’t that how he’d been treating their relationship all along? Like it wasn’t serious?

Aw that’s cute. told you those girls liked you. ;) glad u r happy Ry. <3

He couldn’t respond to that. He immediately deleted the conversation since Michelle liked to look through his messages. When had he become such a fraud? He wanted to do right by Michelle, but he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to force his heart into taking her as seriously as he should.

Ryan and Michelle made it through the holidays. He spent Christmas week with his dad and stepmom in Michigan. When he got home, Michelle dragged him to a giant sale at a girly store with a million bottles of smelly stuff. The place made his head swim with flowers and spices. She kept shoving bottles at his nose to see if he liked it and he kept nodding, saying they were fine. Except for some midnight one that smelled like rotten roses which he gave a thumbs-down.

She scuttled around the store, weaving between people, smelling bottles and dropping them in her basket, and he followed with his hands in his jeans pockets. He couldn’t help but notice he was the only dude in the store, and the chicks were snatching stuff from shelves and bins like it was a race.

While Michelle was spritzing something on a piece of paper, he noticed a yellow bottle with a picture of vanilla beans. He picked it up and took a whiff.

Ryan almost fell over. He took a step back and his heart banged against his ribs.

Brooke.

He closed his eyes a second and she was everywhere.

He smelled it again, squeezing the bottle and his heart went crazy. This was her lotion.

The bottle left his hand as Michelle took it from him, his dreamworld falling like shards all around him. She smelled the lotion and made a face.

“Too sweet.”

She set it back down and kept moving, but Ryan stared at the bottle. He ran his thumb over the opening where he’d squeezed a drop out, and rubbed the silky lotion across his fingertips.

All day he smelled Brooke.

Michelle wanted them to attend Virginia Tech together. They were both accepted, but in the spring Ryan chose to go to UVA on a baseball scholarship.

“They’ve got the best team in the state right now,” he explained.

They were standing in the kitchen of his town house leaning against the counter, which held the pile of college letters. Michelle knew schools from all over the country had been scouting him and offering scholarships. Rumor had it a scout from the Washington Nationals had told his coach he’d been keeping an eye on Ryan’s stats.

“All you care about is baseball,” Michelle mumbled at him. “We’re going to be
rivals
.”

“Ah, come on. You don’t really care about that crap, do you?”

She huffed a little, because she knew he had her. She wasn’t the school spirit type, but that could change in college, since Hokie fans
were
notoriously crazy about their school, in a good way.