For the Save (Playing for Keeps #4) (8 page)

Sawyer

I hadn’t meant to call her Addie.

She’d already corrected me enough times. You’d think I would remember that her name was Addison. But in that moment she reminded me of the girl she was before. Sweet, vulnerable, open. And the name tumbled out. Afterward, I recoiled, expecting her to snap at me like she had all the other times. Only she didn’t. In fact, she kissed me. And it wasn’t a gentle kiss like the one she’d given me earlier. The one when she’d stood between my legs. But let me say that girl almost killed me with that one. It took all my willpower not to throw her down on the bed and climb on top of her. But I wouldn’t do that. I’d already promised myself I’d allow her to set the pace, and I wouldn’t go back on that.

She needed me to be understanding. She needed me to go slow.

But this kiss was raw and desperate, and almost made me crawl out of my skin. The longing in her eyes, the ache in her touch, the firmness in her kiss. It was all too much. And pretty soon I did find us rolling around on her bed. But when things got a little too hot and heavy I put a stop to it. Hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. And I had to take an ice cold shower when I got home, but I knew I did the right thing.

Before I left she told me I could call her Addie. It was like she’d given me a piece of her heart. That’s what it felt like.

Addie was mine.

And I wasn’t going to do anything to screw this up.

As I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, I stared out the window at the moonlit sky. I wondered if Addie was awake in her room. I could picture her in it now. That alone made my pulse quicken. I imagined her in a nightgown, but then shook away the image. Those kinds of thoughts were not going to help me with the promise I made to myself. So, instead, I remembered her that night in the cemetery. Remembered how lost and alone she seemed. Not much time had passed, and yet she seemed more secure now. A little less lonely. The shadows were still there, demons present in her irises. But they were clearing a tiny bit every day. And I would do everything in my power to rid her of them completely.

I hoped she was sleeping soundly, dreaming peacefully. Reaching for my cell phone, I almost shot her off a text, but thought better of it. What if she was asleep and I woke her? I’d never forgive myself.

As much as I would have liked to believe that I would be enough, I knew that wasn’t true. I couldn’t be everything to Addie. And it would be selfish of me to want that. Having her all to myself was tempting, but I wasn’t that big of a jerk. She needed friends.

Anger thrashed in my veins at the story she told me about her former friends. How dare they treat her the way they did? She needed them, and they bailed. There was no excuse for that. If they were guys I’d beat their asses. Every last one. But they weren’t. And I would never lay my hands on a girl.

Too bad she didn’t have a friend like Chloe. She’d never abandon Addison like that.

The minute the thought entered my mind, I shot upright. My comforter bunched around my waist. I was only wearing my boxers, and cold air hit my bare chest. Formerly, I would’ve grabbed my comforter and yanked it up to my chin. But not tonight. Instead, I savored the cold. It made me feel alive, and that was something worth embracing. I had left the curtains over my window open when I went to bed. I liked having the moonlight spill into my room, liked staring out at the stars. In fact, often when I couldn’t sleep I’d count them. Point out each twinkling star, making a mental calculation. The idea was to help put me to sleep, but rarely did it reach its desired effect.

My eyes roamed over the inky black sky. The breeze caused a leaf to skitter over the window pane, and I watched it until it disappeared from sight. The moon was bright, illuminating the sky. It reminded me of Addison’s smile with its ability to light up the darkness. With its ability to change the atmosphere. I wanted to see her smile all the time.

Wanted to bring back that light in her eyes.

And I thought I knew how to do that. Resting my head back down on my pillow, I formulated a plan to help Addison. I only hoped she’d go along with it.

Dark grey clouds covered the sky. Wind whisked around my face. Damp earth and clean air filled my senses. The hood on my sweatshirt shifted beneath my neck. Shivering, I pulled the sleeves down to my wrists and faced Holden. He was across the field, bringing his arm back to toss the football.

When he launched it toward me, I raced in its direction. Holding out my arms, I caught it and pressed it to my chest. Palming it in my right hand, I threw it back.

“Looks like all that time you’ve been spending with Addison is doing you good,” Holden hollered after catching the ball.

I smiled, the image of Addison’s beautiful face consuming my thoughts.

“I haven’t seen you like this in months,” Holden commented, returning the ball.

This time when I ran for it the bottom of my shoe skidded in the grass. I almost fell, but righted myself. However, my hand missed the ball, and it landed on the ground. When I reached down to pick it up, Holden chuckled.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned her,” he said.

A drop of water hit my cheek. Glancing up at the sky, another one got me. We both figured it would start raining this afternoon. The clouds had been threatening it for hours. At least we got in a good half an hour of practice.  I sprinted toward the nearest tree as it started pouring. Holden jogged after me.

“Saved by the rain,” Holden teased once we reached the tree. Reaching up, he ran his fingers through his dampened hair.

I leaned against the trunk and smiled. Rain pelted the leaves overhead, pitter pattering like the sounds of someone typing on a keyboard. “Hey, you can’t tell me you weren’t like this when you first started dating Chloe.”

“Nah.” Holden shook his head. “I couldn’t be. Ryan would’ve kicked my ass.”

I laughed. “That’s probably true. As it was, he gave you a lot of crap about it.”

When his expression darkened, I wished I’d kept quiet. I knew Holden’s relationship with Chloe had been a source of contention between him and Ryan.

But Holden recovered quickly. “He gave me crap about everything.”

I nodded. “Not just you.”

Holden smiled. “Yeah, I know. It was his favorite pastime.” He didn’t say what we were both thinking.
That it was what got him killed.
“So, things must be pretty hot and heavy with you and Addison, huh? I’ve hardly seen you, bro.” He punched me good naturedly in the upper arm.

I shrugged, watching the rain coming down in sheets around us. A few drops slipped through the branches overhead and splattered on my arm. Lifting my hood, I covered my head with it. Holden did the same with his sweatshirt. “It’s been pretty cool.”

“Yeah?” He cocked an eyebrow.

If he was Ryan I would assume his expression had to do with sex, but Holden wasn’t like Ryan. However, didn’t Addison say all guys had a one-track mind? Therefore, I guess I couldn’t know for sure what the look was about. I did know that Addie and I weren’t having sex, though, so I chose not to mention anything like that.

“Yeah,” I said. “I really like her.”

“I’m happy for you, man.” Holden nudged me in the shoulder. “It’s amazing how one girl can change everything, huh? That’s how it was with Chloe anyway.”

“Speaking of which, I was kind of hoping that maybe the four of us could double sometime,” I said, taking my opening.

“Sure. Just say when, and we’ll be there.”

“What about this weekend?” I asked a little too eagerly.

Holden paused, his forehead bunching. “What’s this about?”

“Let’s say that Addie could use some friends right now.”

“Addie, huh?” Holden grinned. “Heard someone call her that in the halls the other day and she about tore the person’s head off.”

A chuckle jumped from my mouth. “Yeah, I know how that feels. But she’s cool with me calling her that now.”

A knowing look passed over Holden’s face. “Sounds like she’s pretty into you too.”

“I hope so.” At times I thought she was, but other times I felt her pull away. I knew I didn’t have her completely. There was still a part of her that was closed off to me.

Holden clamped a hand down on my shoulder. “Well, if Addison needs a girlfriend, she couldn’t find a better one than Chloe.”

“That’s what I figured.”

“All right. Then let’s do this.” Holden rubbed his palms together. “I’ll call Chloe and we’ll get it set up.”

My chest expanded with each word. I could already picture everything coming together, could envision the four of us hanging out. It was a group I never would’ve imagined, but I knew it would work. And I knew it would help Addie heal.

In fact, I was pretty sure it would help me heal too.

Addison

I couldn’t believe I was going out with Sawyer, Holden, and Chloe. It felt surreal, like I was in some alternate universe. For the past three years, I was envious of the girls who hung with Holden and his friends. Holden was sort of a local hero. In the high school sense he was famous. Our school had never had a quarterback as good as Holden. I should know. I used to attend games with my brother for years.

Freshman year I’d even tried out for the cheerleading team. I was devastated when I didn’t make it. That was another reason it was easy to dye my hair and change my appearance. It was like I was showing all those stuck-up cheerleaders that I didn’t want to be like them anyway. But the truth was, that deep down inside I’d always wanted to be them. Not because I thought they were better than me, but because I wanted to fit in. To have people look at me like they look at those girls. And hanging out with Holden and his group was icing on the cake.

But here I was, going out with them. Glancing in the mirror, I almost laughed out loud, imagining what my old group of friends would think if they could see me now. They’d given me so much crap about dying my hair. And I knew they’d made fun of me behind my back. They basically told me that no one would accept me like this. I guess I’d proven them wrong. Sawyer accepted me.

A part of me felt smug about this. I wanted to flaunt tonight in my former friends’ faces. I wanted to take a dozen pictures and post them all over Instagram. But I knew that was petty. My relationship with Sawyer had nothing to do with his popularity. It had to do with who he was at his core. It had to do with our connection, so deep it scared me.

And I was determined to have an open mind about Holden. Sawyer was nothing like I thought he would be, so I was guessing Holden might be the same. He was with Chloe, after all. When she’d first started going to Gold Rush High, my friends gossiped about her and called her a band geek. I’ll never forget the day we found out she was with Holden. All of the sudden my friends wanted to get close to her. They attempted to befriend her and everything. Only Chloe was smarter than that. In fact, Chloe didn’t change at all when she and Holden got together. She still hung out with her band friends. This year she seemed to be with Holden more than anyone, but I saw her with Gianna and Jasmine sometimes too.

Besides, Chloe had always been nice to me. The first day I came to school with purple hair she was the only person who told me it looked nice. If I remember correctly, she’d told me that the color brought out the green in my eyes. And I didn’t get the sense that she was making fun of me. She seemed sincere.

Honestly, I’d been impressed when I heard how she’d been the only person at our school who had tried to stop Preston. She even risked her life. That was pretty gutsy. I’m not sure I would’ve had the balls to do it.

Opening my closet, I flipped through the hangers. I had on a pair of ripped jeans and a black t-shirt. It’s what I’d planned to wear tonight, but suddenly I didn’t want to keep it on. Not that I was trying to change for anyone. The truth was that I had no idea who I was anymore. Sawyer brought out the old Addison – the girl who liked dresses and pretty clothes. The girl who went by Addie. And tonight I didn’t feel like shoving her back down. I didn’t feel like being the brooding Addison.

It was too cold tonight for one of my sundresses. So instead I opted for a white flowing shirt, skinny jeans, and my brown boots. I curled my purple hair and wore large hoop earrings. After putting on a little bit of eye makeup and swiping on my bright pink lipstick, I snatched up my purse and headed downstairs. Sawyer should be here any minute and I didn’t want him to have to make small talk with Mom. She was seriously depressing lately.

“Addison, honey? Is that you?” She called from the family room.

I cringed. Surely she was in there drowning her sorrows in wine and television. She was so predictable lately. But I took a deep breath and willed myself to be nice. She was going through a lot. What did I expect?

When I entered the family room, Mom’s eyes widened. “Oh, Addie.” She used my nickname, and my chest tightened a little. “You look so pretty.”

“I’m going out with Sawyer tonight.” I scratched the back of my neck. “Well, it’s a double date, actually. With his friend Holden and his girlfriend.”

“Holden Reece?” Mom raised her brows.

As I nodded, there was a knock on the door. “Oh, I gotta go.” Before turning around, I hesitated. The television played faintly in the background, a blanket lay over mom’s lap, and there was an entire bottle of wine on the coffee table. It made me feel bad. I’d been so hard on Mom, but she didn’t really deserve it. The more I started to rise out of my own pain, the more I could see hers. “Are you gonna be all right?”

“Of course.” She smiled, but I knew it was forced. “Go. Have fun.”

“You sure?” More knocking. I knew I needed to go, but it was like I couldn’t move my legs.

“Yeah.” She shooed me with her hands. “I’ve got a movie and some wine. I’m good.”

“Okay.” I nodded, promising myself I’d make more of an effort with her from now on. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

Mom had already returned her attention to the television by the time I answered the door. Sawyer stood on the doorstep, his hands shoved down into the pocket of his jeans. He wore a tight grey shirt that showed off his muscles, and his dark hair was tousled over his forehead. I swallowed thickly. His eyes roved over my body, and I felt self-conscious. I wondered if maybe I should have stuck to my jeans and t-shirt.
Did I look like I was trying too hard?

“You look amazing,” he said.

“Thanks.” My cheeks warmed, and I was grateful I’d worn this outfit. By the look in his eyes, I’d say he liked it.

“Ready?” He held out his hand.

I latched onto it and nodded. From over his shoulder I could see Holden and Chloe in the backseat of the “Barney Mobile.” Hesitating, I took a deep breath.

“Relax.” He squeezed my fingers. “They’re going to love you.”

Nodding, I clung to his words and allowed him to guide me forward. The air was crisp as it circled us. When I shivered, Sawyer moved close to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him, enjoying the warmth of his body against mine. Bending his head downward, he planted a kiss on the crown of my head. It was a sweet gesture, and I marveled once again at how lucky I was to be with him.

Reaching the van, Sawyer opened the passenger side door and ushered me inside. As I climbed in, I could feel Chloe and Holden’s eyes on me, and my stomach churned. Sawyer’s hand rested on my back.

“Holden, Chloe, you know Addison.”

I was thankful that he used my full name. For some reason it still rubbed me the wrong way when people called me Addie. Well, everyone except for Sawyer. For some reason when he said it, it felt right. But I wasn’t ready for others to use it.

“Hi.” I threw them both an awkward wave, and then immediately felt stupid. They were right in front of me. I didn’t need to wave. Inwardly groaning, I wondered if this was how the night would go. Me acting stupid and then second guessing myself. It didn’t sound like very much fun, and it made me wish it was only me and Sawyer. When he’d first mentioned the double date idea I’d jumped at the chance, but clearly I hadn’t thought it through.

“Addison, I love your top,” Chloe’s voice broke into my internal scolding.

“Thanks.” I glanced at her leggings, long sweater and boots. She looked pretty as always, her black hair sleek, her lipstick dark. She had such classic beauty. I could see why Holden fell for her. He sat next to her, his arm draped over her shoulder, and I could tell he was enamored with how she looked tonight as well.

“It looks great with your hair,” she continued. “I totally wish I could pull that off.”

“What?” I asked, confused. Chloe didn’t look like she’d have trouble pulling any look off.

“The purple hair. I think it looks amazing, but no way would it look good on me.”
She lifted a strand of her hair and turned it over in her hand.

“Oh, I think you could,” I said.

Sawyer hopped in the driver’s side and started the engine. Country music spilled faintly from the speakers. Turning my head, I threw him an inquisitive look.

“Didn’t know he was a country music fan, huh?” Chloe asked, catching my look. “We’ve tried to turn him already, but it’s no use.” She glanced at Holden, who chuckled.

“Riddles can listen to whatever he wants, baby.” He drew her closer. “Just because you’re into all those underground rock bands doesn’t mean everyone has to be.”

Chloe made a face. “I’m not saying he has to be into it. But at least he could branch out.” She turned toward me. “Country is like all he listens to. Can you believe it?”

“Actually, I like country too,” I admitted.

Chloe flashed an incredulous expression, but Sawyer peered over at me with a grin. “See, I told you she was smart,” he said. As he pulled away from the curb, he reached over with his free hand and patted my thigh.

“Sorry,” Chloe mumbled. “I didn’t realize you liked country.”

I thought about my purple hair and piercings, and totally understood. “It’s all right. I’m sure I don’t look like your typical country music fan.” I touched my hair. “At least not right now.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chloe scrambled to fix it. “I just meant because of the surprised look you gave when you heard it.”

“I guess I was just surprised that we liked the same kind of music.” I smiled, my gaze drifting over to Sawyer. It seemed I was always finding out more ways we were alike. When we’d first met, I thought that grief was the only thing that bonded us, but since then I’d learned that wasn’t the case. There were lots of things that did.

The movie theatre parking lot was packed when we pulled in. Not that I was surprised, since it was Saturday night. Besides, that new action hero movie that everyone wanted to see had released. I hadn’t really been interested in watching it, but at this point I didn’t care what we saw. As long as I could sit next to Sawyer through the entire show, it wouldn’t matter what was on the screen. In his presence I had a difficult time focusing on anything else anyway.

To my surprise the boys offered to let Chloe and me pick the movie. The guys I’d dated previously never would’ve let me choose. They always dictated what we did. Chloe and I stood in front of the ticket counter scanning the board which listed the movies. To be honest, nothing sounded that great to me. I used to like romantic comedies, but the one playing didn’t appeal to me at the moment.

“What do you think?” I asked Chloe.

She stood with her arms over her chest, her lips pursed. Then she gave me a conspiratorial look. “The boys are dying to see that action flick, so I say we tell them we want to see that cheesy romance just to see how they react.”

I giggled. “Then we’ll give in and see what they want?”

“Only if that’s okay with you.” She shrugged. “I honestly don’t care what we watch. Nothing really sounds good.”

I liked Chloe, and I hoped we’d become friends. “To me either,” I agreed. “Okay, that’s fine. I’ll go along with it.”

Giddiness danced over Chloe’s features. She was thoroughly enjoying this and made me hope to never be the recipient of one of her pranks. I watched as she skipped over to Holden wearing a grin.

She latched on to his arm. “We’ve decided on the chick flick.”

He narrowed his eyes, his lips curving upward. “Nice try, but I know you too well.”

“What? I’m serious.”

“No, you’re not. Give it up. I know you too well.”

“Damn.” She snapped her fingers. “It’s getting harder to fool you.”

Holden chuckled, drawing her into his chest and wrapping his arms around her. Then he pressed his lips to his forehead. “I’m a fool for you, does that count?”

She smacked him gently in the chest. “That’s so cheesy, it’s probably a line in the chick flick.”

My heart squeezed. The way they were with each other was beautiful. I wondered if Sawyer and I would ever be like that. It kind of scared me that I desired it. Never before had I allowed my mind to imagine it. Now I couldn’t stop.

Sawyer’s hand found mine. I held onto him tightly.

Holden sauntered in our direction. “C’mon, man.” He slapped Sawyer on the back. “Let’s go buy the tickets.”

Sawyer gave my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it and joining Holden. Once they had the tickets, we went into the theatre and found four seats in one of the middle rows. It was perfect. Not too far, but not too close. After settling into our seats, the boys left to get some sodas and popcorn. Chloe and I sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. I tried to think of something to say, but failed. All of the conversation topics that flew through my mind were lame. So finally I gave up and decided to use the restroom before the show started.

I slipped out of the theatre and hurried toward the ladies’ room across the lobby. On my way I passed the boys in line. Their backs were to me, and they hadn’t noticed me at all. My plan hadn’t been to stop, but then I heard Sawyer say something that caught my attention. It was one word, but it was significant.

He’d said the word “Ben.” I held my breath as I continued listening.