For the Save (Playing for Keeps #4) (11 page)

Sawyer

I spotted Addison across the quad. She sat with her back against the building, her legs bent, scribbling furiously in the notebook spread over her knees. It was Thursday, and it was the first time I’d seen her at school all week. I assumed she’d been skipping. Not that I knew for sure. She still wasn’t talking to me. No texts, no phone calls, not even a glance my way. Earlier today I’d passed her in the halls and she kept her head down, her gaze averted. Honestly, I’d rather have her glare at me, yell at me, something. Ignoring me hurt worse. It was like I was invisible. Like I meant nothing at all.

“She’s still not talking to you, huh?” Chloe asked, following my gaze.

Swallowing hard, I nodded. Turning away from Addison, I reached for my bottle of water that sat in the grass near my thigh.

“Have you tried talking to her?” Chloe raised an eyebrow. Holden sat beside her, his hand on her leg.

Combing my fingers through my hair, I grunted. “I even wrote her a damn poem.”

“What?” Holden chuckled. “I never knew you were a poet.”

“I’m not,” I said. “But Addison is.”

“Ah.” Holden’s eyes widened in understanding. “Well, maybe that’s the problem.” Reaching over, he punched me good-naturedly in the shoulder. “Maybe your poem sucked.”

I laughed. “Yeah, it probably did.”

Chloe glanced over her shoulder. “She’s all alone. Go talk to her.”

Hesitating, I thought about it for a moment. Then shook my head. “Nah. I’ve been chasing her since the day we met. It’s her turn to come to me.” My pride had been wounded enough by that girl.

A look of disappointment flashed in Chloe’s eyes, but I shoved it aside. She didn’t understand.

“I get it,” Holden said with an encouraging smile. “A person can only handle so much rejection before they can’t take it anymore.”

Holden’s words floated through my mind. Addison had taken her brother’s suicide personally. Saw it as a rejection of her. Saw it as him abandoning her. And when her dad left, she felt rejected by him. It colored how she viewed others now. Hadn’t she even admitted to me that she was scared? Scared of being left again? I glanced at Holden and Chloe, remembering all Holden had done to prove himself to Chloe. They hadn’t always trusted each other the way they do now. They had to earn it.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I said to Holden. Taking a deep breath, I pushed myself up off the ground. Screw my pride. I wanted that girl.

“Where ya going, man?” Holden’s brows furrowed.

“Chloe’s right. I should talk to her.” Before I walked off, I saw the ghost of a smile playing on Chloe’s lips. Holden appeared thoroughly confused. Not that I blamed him. I was all over the place today. With fast strides, I made my way across the grass, my sights set on Addison. Her purple hair glittered in the sunlight, her dark nails shimmering as she wrote swiftly.

Before reaching her, a girl stood in front of me, blocking my path. It was one of Addison’s former friends Becca. “Hey, Sawyer.” She smiled seductively. “Come over here to tell us a joke?” A few of her friends giggled at her side. Once upon time I would have enjoyed this kind of flirting. In fact, I probably would’ve thrown out a joke or two. It’s what I was known for, after all. But not today. Today I was on a mission.

I shoved past Becca and spoke loudly. “No, sorry. I’m only interested in talking to one person today.” Once I was in front of Addison, I dropped to my knees. She still wouldn’t look at me. Her gaze was trained on her notebook, but her cheeks flushed in response to my proximity. Reaching forward, I snatched her notebook. Anger painted her face, and she thrust her hands forward trying to take it back. But finally she was looking at me. I closed the notebook and set it on the ground. “Addie,” I spoke firmly. She stopped squirming, her mouth opening, and I knew she was getting ready to admonish me. “Don’t correct me,” I said before she could say anything. “You told me I could call you Addie, and I’m going to, because that’s who you are to me.” Sliding closer, I framed her face with my hands. “Look at me.” Reluctantly she did as she was told. All around us people were watching, and I could feel her discomfort. But she wasn’t moving. She was staying still. For that I was grateful. “I know I messed up. But I was trying to do the right thing. I didn’t want to hurt you. Believe it or not, I was trying to spare your feelings. I wasn’t sure if what I witnessed between your dad and brother meant anything, and I didn’t want to give you false hope or open up a can of worms that shouldn’t have been opened. I know now that I handled it wrong, and I’m sorry.” Her eyes locked on mine, and in them I saw hope. She wanted to believe me, I could tell. “I mess up a lot, Addie. It’s what I do. This wasn’t the first time, and it sure as hell won’t be the last. So I can’t promise you I won’t screw up again. But I’ll never hurt you intentionally.” I paused, praying I was getting through to her. “I know you told me to leave you alone, but I can’t do that. I meant what I said to you. I’m in this, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not abandoning you.” My grip on her face tightened. “Do you hear me, Addie? I’m not leaving you.”

Slowly, she nodded. Her eyes were moist, and she blinked. Once, twice.

It was all I needed. Tilting my face to hers, I covered her lips with mine. She tasted like mint and fruit lipgloss. Exerting more pressure, the kiss deepened. Her hands lifted to my shirt, her fingers gripping the thin fabric. It spurred me on. She wanted me. She needed me. I could feel it in the way she held onto me. In the way she kissed me fervently.

When our lips parted, she fell against me. “Thank you for coming back,” she whispered.

“Every time,” I promised. Apparently, it wasn’t poetry that would win her over. It was knowing that I wouldn’t leave her. That I wouldn’t abandon her the way the other men in her life had done. Now I knew the secret, and I wouldn’t let her down. “I’m sorry my poem sucked.”

She peered up at me. “It didn’t suck. I loved it.” Reaching up, she touched my lips. “But I love this more.”

It wasn’t enough to stay with Addison. I wanted to do more. I wanted to help her. I wanted to take away all her sadness. To give her back what she’d lost. There was no way to give Ben back to her. He was gone for good, unfortunately. But I could find her dad, so I contacted my uncle who worked as a private investigator. It only took him a few hours to find Addison’s dad.

And that’s how I found myself driving Addison out to her dad’s apartment on Saturday morning. I didn’t tell her where we were going. I told her it was a surprise. Butterflies swarmed my stomach as I drove, and I wondered if I was making another mistake. What if she didn’t want to see her dad? What if she was angry with me for getting involved?

Peering over at her, I summoned up all my courage. It was too late to back down now. We were already pulling into the complex. Addison stared out the window, her eyes bright with curiosity. When I parked, she cocked her head to the side.

“What are we doing here?”

I adjusted the ball cap on my head and stared at the door in front of my car. Number 32. “See that apartment right there?”

Her head swiveled, and she nodded.

“That’s where your dad lives.”

Snapping her head back to me, she looked stricken. “How do you know?”

“My uncle is a private investigator. I asked him to find your dad for me.”

“Why?” Her tone was soft, gentle, not accusing, and I was grateful for that. Still, she didn’t exactly sound happy about this.

I tenderly lowered my hand over hers. “I know how much you miss him. And I know you want answers.”

Her shoulders bounced up and down as she breathed. Biting her lip, she turned back to the apartment door. “He’s still in town.” Her voice was breathy, almost trance-like. “He didn’t even leave town. He’s minutes from where we live.” She paused. “And yet he’s never tried to contact me.” She looked straight at me, the pain in her eyes so stark it almost bowled me over. “Why?”

“I don’t know, Addie.” I shook my head, anger with Addison’s dad surfacing. How dare he treat his own daughter like this? She looked so afraid, so fragile. “I’ll go in with you if you need my support.” Her expression was one of confusion. “Or I’ll wait in the car. Whatever you want.”

“I don’t think I can do this,” she whispered. “I’m not ready to talk to him.”

“That’s okay,” I assured her, hurriedly turning back on the car and pulling out of the space. Now that I knew she wasn’t ready, I wanted to get the hell out of there. I didn’t want to risk Mr. West stepping outside and spotting us.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly once we made it out of the parking lot.

“For what?” I really felt like I should be the one apologizing at this point.

“You went to all that trouble for me….and I couldn’t do it.”

The sadness laced in her words pierced my heart. Turning the corner, I entered a suburban neighborhood. Pulling over to the curb in front of a quiet house, drapes drawn, I put the van in park. Then I turned to Addison, knotting our hands together between us. “Hey, you don’t need to apologize. You don’t ever have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’ll never expect you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Okay?”

She nodded. “Thank you, Sawyer.”

I loved when she said my name. It gave me chills when it rolled off her tongue.

“You don’t have to thank me. I did this because I wanted to help you.”

“I didn’t just mean for today. I meant for everything.” She tucked a strand of colorful hair behind her ear. Her face was open and vulnerable as she stared into my eyes. “Why are you so nice to me?”

I moved closer to her. Lifting my hand, I curved it around her face, my fingers slipping beneath her hair. My thumb caressed the smooth skin on her cheek. “I care about you, Addie. A lot.”

“But I’ve been so awful to you.” Her eyelids fluttered, her gaze lowering to her lap.

“Well, sometimes.” I threw her a smile and wink. “But not always.”

A small giggle escaped through her lips.

“You’re forgetting I knew you before.”

Her head bobbed up at this. Betrayal shined in her eyes. “So that’s what this is about? Your quest from freshman year when you and your friends made that list?”

I shook my head vehemently. “No. Definitely not. What I meant was that I know how sweet you are.” Sliding my hand off her face, I pressed my palm to her heart. “In here. Sure, you show this tough exterior sometimes, but I know where it’s coming from. I know it’s because you’re scared. Because you feel abandoned and hurt, and you’re trying to protect yourself. But that girl who is angry and brooding, the one who smokes cigarettes and flips her middle finger at the world is not you. Not the real you.”

She swallowed thickly. “How can you be sure? I mean, maybe that is who I am now.”

“It’s not. I know because in the moments when you let your guard down you’ve shown me glimpses of who you really are.”

“No one else sees me the way you do.” She touched my face tenderly. Maybe the most tenderly she’d ever touched me. Her fingers trailed over my skin and flirted with the edges of my hair. “In fact, no one’s even really looked.”

“I’m looking.” I smiled. “Trust me. I’m always looking.”

This time it wasn’t me who initiated the kiss. It was her. She leaned forward almost teasing me at first with how softly her lips played over mine. It was so soft I had to open my eyes to see if our lips were really touching. But they were. And the care in which she brushed her lips to mine caused a groan to sound at the back of my throat. Her lips deftly moving over mine, applying a barely-there pressure, was the most sensual thing I’d ever experienced. She pulled back slightly, looking into my eyes. Then the corner of her lips curved slightly. It was like she knew the power she had over me, and she was enjoying it. But that was okay. I was enjoying it too. Staying completely still, I waited for her to make her next move. No way was I ruining this. It was the first time she’d come to me, and I planned to savor every moment.

She angled her face, tilting it until our lips lined up once again. Warm breath met my mouth and I shuddered. Her hand dropped from my face feathering down my neck, while her other hand found my waist. I curved both my hands around her middle, holding her tightly as her lips met mine once again. This time she pressed down more firmly, her tongue finding mine. As we kissed, I lost track of time. I forgot we were parked in an unknown neighborhood, parked in front of a stranger’s house. I forgot that moments earlier we’d been about to walk into her dad’s apartment. Everything fell away. And it was only Addie and I suspended in this perfect moment.

Addison

I hadn’t meant to let Sawyer back in my life. My plan had been to avoid him indefinitely. His poem was sweet, but it hadn’t swayed me. It was words. And I was tired of meaningless words. Tired of people saying one thing and doing another. But Sawyer was so intense when he cornered me in the quad. There was desperation behind his words, sincerity in his eyes, and genuineness in his tone. 

But more importantly, I wanted to believe him.

I wanted him in my life.

I’d missed him a lot in the last week. So much, it surprised me. It wasn’t like we’d been hanging out for very long. Not long enough that I should miss his presence in my life. But I did. I missed his smile, his laugh, his kiss. And when he touched my face and promised never to leave me, I wanted him. I wanted to feel his arms around me, wanted to feel his lips on mine. I longed for that safe, protected feeling only he could give. And when he held me and kissed me, I did believe him. I believed that he wouldn’t leave me. That he really was in this for the long haul.

When our lips disconnected, I stared into his eyes. “There’s something I need to tell you.” I hadn’t planned to share this with him, but now I wanted to. My life was falling apart, and I needed someone to talk to about it. Sawyer was the only person I trusted enough to tell.

“Okay.” His expression turned wary.

“We’re moving. My mom and I.”

Alarm flashed across his face. “Where?”

“Here in town.” When he sighed in relief, I realized he wasn’t getting it. “My mom and dad are splitting up.”

“Oh, Addie.” His tone was laced with sympathy. I didn’t want sympathy from him, so I shook my head.

“Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s not why I told you.”

“I don’t feel sorry for you.” His fingertips followed an invisible trail up to my lips and then skated across them. “But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to protect you.” Lowering his fingers from my lips, he cupped my face. “I want to erase all of your pain. I want to make all of your sadness go away. Just tell me how.”

A constructed wall around my heart started to crumble. “You’re doing it, Sawyer. Every time you kiss me, or touch me, or hold me you take some of that sadness away.” I paused, a smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “Whenever I used to get scared as a little girl, I’d always run to my dad. Once I was in his arms, I knew I was safe. I haven’t felt that way with anyone else in my entire life…until I met you.”

“Really?” His face lit up.

I nodded. “I think that’s the reason I keep pushing you away. The only other person who has ever made me feel safe took off and left me.”

“I told you I wasn’t going to do that.”

“I know.” My hand moved to his knee. “And I don’t want to keep running from you. From this.”

“I’m glad.”

“It’s funny, my mom sent me to that grief counseling because she thought it would help me. I guess she was right, because it’s where I found you.”

“I feel the same way.”

I remembered how Sawyer shared the time I’d attended the group. And how he’d confessed that it helped him. My fingers slipped through his. “I know you’ve been ditching the group for me. Do you miss it?”

“Addie, I went to the group so I would feel less alone. I’d hoped to connect with someone who understood what I was going through.” He squeezed my fingers, one of his eyebrows cocking up in a super sexy way. “I found exactly what I was looking for.” Moving closer to me, his expression sobered up. His hand left mine, the pads of his fingers exploring my face again. They danced over my lips in a sensual way. “I am sorry about your parents, Addie. And I’ll help you any way I can. Just tell me what to do.”

“This,” I whispered against his fingertips. “You can do this.”

In Sawyer’s presence I could forget about everything else. All my troubles and worries melted away. All the darkness was overshadowed by light. But when he left, it all returned, crashing into me like a powerful wave, and at times it felt like I would drown under the force of it. That’s what this weekend was like. Sawyer and I had spent the day together on Saturday but Sunday he had plans with his parents, and I stayed home with Mom and helped her pack.

It was difficult boxing up all of our stuff. Every item reminded me of the life I had before. The life with Ben and my dad. I missed my family the way it used to be. But Mom wasn’t interested in reminiscing. She was like a robot, the way she packed with no emotion. It was like she didn’t care at all. Like this wasn’t affecting her. Besides, we weren’t even speaking. I was still angry with her for making me move, for not telling me where Dad was, for keeping so many secrets.

Maybe I wasn’t being fair. Perhaps she was masking her feelings, the same way I’d been doing for months. Either way it was painful to witness. And it made me feel even more alone. I longed for Sawyer. For his tender touch, his strong arms.

I thought about how Sawyer had found Dad for me. So badly I wanted to march up to Dad’s apartment complex and demand answers. I wanted to know why he’d fought with Ben. I wanted to know what he was hiding. But mostly I wanted to know why he’d left. Mom clearly wasn’t sharing anything with me, and even though she acted like she was clueless, I wondered if that was really the case. The more I pondered what happened with Ben, the more in the dark I felt. And the more I suspected that everyone was keeping secrets. Secrets I had every right to know.

“Watcha thinkin’?” Sawyer’s index finger landed on my chin. We were sitting in the middle of the grass in the quad eating lunch on Monday. Chloe and Holden had j left to grab a soda. It was the first time I’d hung out with all three of them since the disastrous movie date. They both had been nice and welcoming, but I couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable.

“Nothin’,” I responded quickly, not wanting to spill my thoughts. 

“There’s something going on in that pretty head of yours.” He smiled, tipping my chin toward him.

“Okay. Fine.” I grinned back. “I was thinking that I wanted to kiss you.”

“Ah.” There was a gleam in his eye that made my stomach flip. “I think I can grant that request.”

“Can you now?” I bit my lip. It wasn’t what I’d been thinking, but it wasn’t exactly a lie either. Kissing Sawyer was never far from my thoughts.

When his lips brushed mine, the world fell away. With each caress, every push and pull, he breathed life into me. My heart picked up speed, my body warmed. The numbness and loss that always threatened to take over dissipated a little. As I melted into him, the sound of shoes crunching on the grass caught my attention. Sawyer must have heard it too, because we quickly broke apart.

“Sorry.” Chloe shot me an apologetic look. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Yeah. Don’t stop on our account.” Holden chuckled. “Riddles here has had to witness more than his fair share of PDA between Chloe and me.”

Sawyer put his arm around me and smiled up at his friend. Chloe plopped down onto the ground, holding a can of soda in her hand. Holden joined her. I snuggled up with Sawyer, grateful he was holding me. I felt stronger with his arm encasing me.

“You sure got lucky the other night,” Chloe said to me as she popped the top on the soda can. It cracked and fizzled. “That movie was horrible.” She rolled her eyes.

“It was not,” Holden argued.

“It was. Trust me.” Chloe pinned me with a serious stare. “Ya dodged a bullet, girl.”

My lips curled upward and I tossed Chloe a look of gratitude. I knew what she was doing, and I appreciated it. Suddenly things didn’t seem so awkward between us.

“She’s right, you know.” Sawyer drew me closer, planting a kiss on my forehead. “It was horrible.” His lips feathered over my ear, hot breath warming the skin. “But only cause you weren’t there.”

My cheeks colored at his words. No one else had heard them, so I didn’t respond. And I liked that he whispered them. They were only meant for me. Peering up at Sawyer, my heart leapt in my chest. I liked him more than I’d ever liked a boy before. And I could tell he felt the same way about me.

I hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake. The truth was, that my heart couldn’t bear losing another person. It’s why I should have stayed away. But it seemed that my heart and mind weren’t in sync when it came to Sawyer. And it was my heart that kept winning out.

The bell rang and we all gathered up our stuff. After we stood, we said a round of goodbyes, and Chloe and Holden headed off in different directions. Sawyer’s class was clear across campus from mine, so I quickly pecked him on the cheek.

“I’ll see ya after school,” I said.

“Wait.” His hand clamped around my wrist. “You’ve been quiet today. What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said as if my words were on autopilot.

“Addie,” he said my name like a warning. “Don’t shut me out.”

I sighed. He was right. I was shutting him out, and I didn’t even know why. “Okay. Fine.” My shoulders slumped. He released my wrist. “I think part of the reason I can’t get over my brother’s suicide is because I don’t really have closure.”

“What do you mean?” Sawyer’s eyebrows scrunched together in the center of his forehead. Students flew past us, and I knew we both needed to get to class. But I knew Sawyer wouldn’t let me leave until I finished what I was saying. And honestly, I wanted to fill him in. Now that I’d started talking, I didn’t want to stop.

“I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s more to my brother’s suicide than what we think. Like someone knows something.” A chill ran up my spine, and I shivered.

Sawyer wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. I fell against him, pressing my cheek to his chest as he raked his hands up and down my back.

“It just doesn’t make sense. Ben didn’t seem suicidal. I guess I’m trying to understand,” I said. It was silent around us. The bell rang, signaling the start of class, yet neither of us moved.

“I get that.” Sawyer’s fingers painted lines up my back. “It’s like how everyone knows why Preston did what he did. It doesn’t make it any better, but at least we get it.”

I nodded, my chin rubbing against the rough fabric of his shirt. “Yeah,” I breathed out. He understood. Whenever I shared my desire for answers to Mom she kept saying that it didn’t matter. That it wouldn’t bring Ben back. And she was right. But that wasn’t why I needed to do this. Sawyer was the first person to understand. Another wall fell. My heart was becoming more and more exposed. I felt equal parts exhilarated and terrified.

“Mr. Ridley. Miss West.” I flinched at the sound of our principal’s voice. “You two need to be getting to class.”

We separated, my face flaming.

“We are, Mr. Smith,” Sawyer said, placing his hand on my back.

Mr. Smith nodded as we whirled around.

“We’ll talk about this later, okay?” Sawyer whispered to me before we went our separate ways.

“Okay.” I nodded, already feeling lighter from our conversation. It was like Sawyer had already taken some of the load off of my shoulders. I walked toward my class, a slight bounce in my step.