Forever and Almost Always (20 page)

“I understand, I guess. It would be nice to see you though and at least be able to hug you.”

Man, this girl was killing me. If she kept asking, I don’t know how much longer I would be able to hold out. “I would love to, but when I want something, I go for it one hundred percent. Even if those feelings weren’t there on your behalf, but I felt them, I would completely self-sabotage my life to get it. I used to talk to Trevor about you and about “us” a lot. He’s the only one who knows how I’ve felt and how much you affect me. I’m afraid I’ll see you, and all those feelings, I
know
I have, will intensify.”

“I’m not sure what to say. I’m disappointed, but I guess I understand.”

I needed to get off of this topic. I needed to
not
think about the prospect of meeting up with her. I needed to hear her talk about her life. I needed a reason to say no to her.

“So why are you in town?”

“I work for a major publication as a writer, and there was a story they asked me to cover this weekend.”

“That’s amazing. I’m proud of you. So, do you have any kids? Are you married?”

“No kids, but yes, I am married.” I could sense the trepidation in her tone.

“For how long?”

“Three years.” She laughed and I wasn’t sure if I should laugh along with her.

“Does he treat you good?”

“Yes.”

“Well that’s good. I’m not gonna lie, I think about you a lot.”

“So, let’s meet up.” I could hear hope filter through her voice, and I instantly felt horrible for putting it there. I knew deep down I wasn’t going to meet up with her, but suddenly the words were coming out of my mouth, with no way to stop them.

“I’ll think about it. Honestly, I miss the shit out of you.” I could hear a tremor in her voice as I said it, and I knew her well enough to know that she was crying. “I’ll think about it, Charlee. If you don’t hear from me, we’ll talk again soon…someday.”

“Okay.” Her voice was muffled and I wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to her shortness.

“I’m really glad I got to talk to you.”

“Me too.” She whispered back.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.”

And just like that, our conversation ended. Once again I was left, sitting in my truck staring at that piece of paper, wishing life could be different, even if only for a day.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Charlee

The phone slid from my trembling fingers as the onslaught of tears took over me. Taylor was instantly at my side, pulling me into her as I bawled my eyes out. I wasn’t sure if it was the gravity of the situation, or the feeling of rejection, but something inside of me broke into a million different pieces as our phone call ended.

“What did he say?”

“About a million things I wish I would’ve never heard. I honestly don’t know if it would’ve been easier to just not hear from him, or what. I’m an idiot for ever thinking he would want anything to do with me after all this time.”

I made my way downstairs to have a cigarette and think about the conversation that just took place. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, just hearing his voice made my entire day. I was only in town for four days to cover this story, but knowing that I still had a few days when we could possibly meet up, gave me a small glimmer of hope. I sat back in my lounge chair, letting the warm Arizona sunshine on my face. I closed my eyes and was instantly transported back to a time when we were so over the moon happy to be together.

There were entirely too many good memories to recall. I had loved that boy more than anything else, and there once was a time when I would’ve given everything up for him. Just hearing his voice killed me. I could tell just by talking to him that he had changed so much over the years. He apologized for the things he did, and even took blame for some things he never would’ve before. In my heart I knew nothing good would ever come from us meeting up, but a bigger part of me needed to try. I needed the closure. I needed to know that my entire life hadn’t been a mistake.

“Hey girl, you doing okay?”

Taylor sat down in the lounge chair next to me, with a very worried expression on her face. “I’m okay. It’s just hard to understand why he won’t at least see me.”

“Charlee, do you honestly think you’d be able to see him and not completely self destruct? He was your first love. He held your heart for so long, and I honestly think seeing him would do more harm than good.”

Deep down, I knew Taylor was right. I mean really what good could come from us seeing one another. Obviously the love I felt for him was exactly how he felt for me. “I don’t want to think about it anymore.”

“Honey, maybe he’ll surprise you and text later and want to meet up. You never know.”

“Taylor, I know he won’t. You didn’t hear the way he sounded. I could tell it was killing him just talking to me. And he made it perfectly clear that if he were to see me, that all of those feelings would come rushing back and he would destroy his own life to be with me. I would never want that for him.”

We spent the rest of the day lounging around the hotel room and down by the pool. I was on edge the entire day, hoping that he would call, but scared what would happen if he did. When nighttime rolled around, there still was no text. Taylor could tell I was getting antsy, so she decided to send him a text message.

“Okay, this is what I just sent. ‘
Dax, I’m not sure of the entire situation, but I feel as though I need to say something. Your conversation with her, really affected her. She misses you a lot, and I honestly think you’ll regret not meeting up with her when you had the chance. Just think about it. I can even be there if it makes you more comfortable
.’ So what do you think?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Taylor. It is what it is. He’s married. This is pointless.”

“I know it feels that way, Charlee, but you have to try.”

“Why? Why do I have to try? It’s not like I would ever leave what I have, for him. I would never give that up for a man I don’t even know anymore.”

“Oh my god, he just text me back. He says, ‘
I’m considering it. What are you guys up to?’
I just sent one back saying we are just hanging by the pool.”

“Taylor, just let it go. Please.”

We decided to get dressed and meet up with some of my other friends from high school to get my mind off of all this nonsense. Taylor and I were driving along, almost to the restaurant where we were meeting our friend, when her phone alerted her of a text message.

“Hey hun, can you check that for me.”

I grabbed her phone and saw his name illuminated on the screen. My heart jumped into my throat and I was finding it hard to breathe, as I opened up the text message. Written across the screen were four words from him. Four words that would forever be engraved into my memory. “He says, ‘
Wish I could, sorry’.
”

“Seriously? Is that really what it says?”

I passed the phone over to Taylor and quietly stared out the window, watching the world pass by in a flash.

“Did that just ruin your night?”

“No.” Of course I was lying. My heart was shattering into a million pieces, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Instead of dwelling on what happened and the loss I felt, I threw myself into my work. I had the opportunity of a lifetime, staring me right in the face and I took it and ran. I felt lucky to be where I was in life. My life was amazing, and I wasn’t about to spend another second wondering, what if.

I hadn’t told Taylor at the time, but I secretly stole his number from her phone that night and sent him a text giving him mine. I simply texted, ‘
for someday
.’ I had no intentions of ever using his number, but I figured if anything, one day we could reconnect and maybe even be friends. I knew I was being naive, but part of me just wasn’t ready to let go of him just yet.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Dax

Hearing her voice again after so long, was a feeling I never thought I would feel again. Her words comforted me and embraced my healing heart. I tried to be as honest as I could be with her, but there was only so much I was willing to give to her. She affected me in a way that I could never fully explain. We shared a connection that I had never felt with anyone else, not even my wife.

I knew as I talked to her, that she was slowly breaking down the wall I had built up around my heart when it came to her. I hated myself for so long, for what I did to her when she came back. It wasn’t much of an excuse, but I was too young to realize what I had. She had given me another chance. She came back willing to give one hundred percent, and instead of taking my chance and running with it, I basically spit in her face and thought about nothing but hurting her the way she hurt me. I was wrong. I knew it then, and I know it now. Part of me felt better after apologizing to her, but my heart still ached for her.

I sat on my couch the rest of the weekend that I knew she was in town, being depressed and ignoring my wife. I knew it was wrong, but my heart was broken. This was exactly what I was afraid of, and exactly why I told her I couldn’t meet up with her. Little did she know, I ended up following her that night. I was too tempted by her being in the same state, not to at least see her for myself, even if she couldn’t see me.

I parked on the corner right in front of the hotel, and waited for her to leave. When she first came walking out, I almost didn’t recognize her. Of course, I had seen pictures of her online, but nothing compared to seeing her in person. Her hair was blonder than it had been when we were together, and it shined in the setting sun, as she climbed up into the Jeep they were driving. I wasn’t sure where they were headed and the better part of my brain was screaming at me to go home, but my heart was pulling me to her.

I hadn’t replied to Taylor’s text message yet, and it was killing me being able to see her and not have her see me, but it was the only thing I could do. As soon as they merged onto the sixty freeway, my heart sunk down into my feet. I lived out this way, and part of me was starting to freak out a little bit, thinking that they were headed to my house. Regardless of where they were going, I continued to follow. As we inched closer and closer to the exit for my house, I quickly sent the text I had been avoiding all day, but it seemed to be my only option. There wasn’t much I could say to soften the blow I was about to give, but I had to be harsh to avoid any unnecessary conflict that would come from the love of my life showing up at my house, and possibly running into my wife. As I hit send, the piece of wall that had broken free earlier, slowly moved back into place.

I never expected a text in return and I could only imagine the devastation those four words were about to cause, and it was ripping me in two. The Jeep never slowed to get off on my off ramp, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Now my mind was wondering where they were going. I didn’t know Charlee anymore, and that scared me. I didn’t know what kind of life she led, or what exactly she liked to do on her off time, but I was intrigued to find out more. When they pulled off the next exit, I suddenly knew exactly where they were going. I hadn’t been to Uncle Bear’s in a while, but it had been Trevor’s and mine go to bar for quite some time. I laughed at myself for a second, as I recalled my conversation earlier in the day with Trevor.

When I hung up with Charlee earlier, Trevor was the first and only person I called to talk about what had been said. He was the only friend I still had that knew how I felt about Charlee still. He was around for practically our entire relationship, and he was the only friend that came around and gave two shits about me, when all I could do was sulk when she left the second time.

He had been supportive when I called him, hell he practically wanted to force me into his truck to take me to see her himself. After I fully explained to him the gravity of the situation, he decided that we should go out and get drunk tonight. Mainly so I wouldn’t think about
her
and what could’ve been, any longer. Of course, Uncle Bear’s was the bar he suggested and I shot him down. I made up some lame ass excuse about not feeling like going out and wanting to spend time with my wife. All the while I was secretly planning out my stalker stakeout mission.

I knew the way I was feeling, wasn’t fair to my wife. I knew it, but my heart and mind were battling, and I convinced myself that this was okay. I convinced myself that I wasn’t cheating, and I did the right thing by telling her no, but somehow the right thing to do, felt so wrong at the moment. After Taylor and Charlee parked, they didn’t exit right away and I started to worry that they had seen me following them. I parked a few spaces back, but right in front of the outside patio, so I could still see her, if they ended up outside.

Her door popped open and I watched as she jumped out. My eyes traced every inch of her, starting at her feet and gradually making their way back up to her face. She wasn’t facing my direction, and I had the most enticing view of her long lean legs, that led to her small but firm ass. It was a view to be admired, that’s for sure. She had on a pair of tight, light blue jeans that hugged every inch of her amazing curves. As my eyes moved up further to the white and hot pink tube top she was wearing, I couldn’t help but stare at her back as she moved her hair over to one side of her shoulder. My mind instantly flashed back to the time in our kitchen, right after we had just moved in, and I wanted to feel her soft skin against my lips again.

I was suddenly pulled out of my revelry when she turned to the side and leaned in to grab something from the front seat. Her face was what caught my attention this time. I only had a profile view, but damn it was one good view. She still looked gorgeous. How was it possible that she just continued to grow even more beautiful with time? Charlee was the first to start walking over towards the entrance of the bar, and funny enough, just like always, she was yelling for Taylor to catch up.

When they disappeared inside, I started to worry that they would just stay inside instead of out. Lucky for me, I was wrong. They were both walking out to a table and
I
was finally getting to see her full frontal. Her body looked to be in amazing shape, but that didn’t surprise me. She had always been good at taking care of herself and working out regularly. Her body was the least of my concerns, it was her face and her eyes that always got my attention, and tonight was no different. Her eyes glistened under the white lights that the bar had put up around the outside, and they dazzled me. They sucked me in and held my attention like nothing in the world. And then she smiled. Oh, that smile could cure me on any unhappy day in life. It wasn’t just a smile; it was an expression that lit up her entire face and the faces of those around her. Her good nature and love for life was infectious.